Heroin Lullabies
by ayngyl22
Summary: E/B, Edward is lead singer of a hard rock band, and Bella is a massage therapist. Mature readers.
1. Prologue New Toy

A/N: Stephenie Meyer owns copyrights to the characters and the Twilight. No infringement intended. No monetary profits made. The idea of this story is mine

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_**The Heroin Lullabies**_

_Prologue_

FUCK! That is what I'm thinking at this exact moment in my glorified shit hole of a life. Sleep was evading me, couldn't recall the last time I slept. I was living off the pretzels and chips the past forty-eight hours. We stayed drunk and fucked up. In my right hand was a huge fucking bottle of Jack right now while my left was busy trying not to tear out this poor girl's hair at the root as she was deep throating my dick. There was a zero gag reflex.

My eyes rolled around in my skull as I tried to notice my surroundings. What little I did see told me I was in a rat hole of a club rest room. The once white toilet was covered in scrapes, shit, piss and puke. Piss and vomit covered the fake brick looking tile on the floor and the whore of a groupie was knee deep in it. And I'm guessing the paint was either black or green, I was entirely sure as my pupils couldn't focus. I was starting to shake. Was it from me about to jizz in the whore's throat or was it from the need of another hit or snort? It could be both.

I'm Cullen Masen, lead singer of Loxley Screws. My band mates consist of Emmett Masen- my brother, Jasper Whitlock-our cousin and Jacob Black-a child hood friend from back home in Forks, Washington. Emmett plays bass while Jasper plays guitar and Jacob plays the drums. I stand up front and sing to the masses while being the rock god that I am.

After most shows, before shows and sometimes during shows we drank Jack and snorted, inhaled or injected anything that wasn't nailed down, not exactly but there was plenty of coke, marijuana and heroin at our disposal. I preferred heroin and coke mixed with Jack and pussy. We were all fucked up, even our tour manager Carlisle, who was also my father. I was his first born but my mother, Elizabeth, died before I was a year old from a cocaine overdose and then two years later Carlisle married Esme and eight months later out came Emmett. While I had my mother's bronze hair and father's emerald green eyes; Emmett had Esme's eyes and somehow had gotten dark brown hair. Being the arrogant fucker that I am, I will honestly say that I got all the looks and the talent as I also write all of our songs. Emmett's not bad on bass, he's just not me. To quote Wednesday 13 from the Murder Dolls," I'm perfect, pissed off, beautiful, I'm GOD!"

This whore was taking her sweet fuckin' time sucking my dick. Or was it taking me forever to cum? Either way, I wanted out of the fuckin' stall. I needed either coke or heroin. Or was it because this bitch didn't know how to suck dick? I didn't fuckin' know or care anymore. I'll just lead her out of here and trade her in for another faceless whore.

I had another ninety minutes before our show and if I wanted to be able to perform, I needed a hit of something. After I escorted the whore out of the rest room, I dumped her off on some road crew guy and made my way for the bus. Once on there, I knew somebody had some shit on them or stashed away somewhere. Carlisle was sitting on one of the couches in the front typing away on his laptop while listening to Guns n fuckin' Roses. He looked up at me and saw how close I was coming to losing it. His left hand reached into a pocket on his laptop bag and pulled out a baggy of coke and a rolled up, rubber banded Ben Frank and gave them to me. It was up to me to find something to cut up lines with. My American Express worked just fuckin' fine.

Five lines later and half of bottle of Jaeger later, I was able to carry on a conversation without looking like I was about to blow a gasket. It was during that time that Carlisle informed me that in a few days we would be acquiring a massage therapist, a gift for us he said, since we had been working so hard lately. Jane was not going to be happy about that, but I didn't fuckin' care. She thought she was my girl but she was just the daughter of our supplier, Aro. I'd rather he send out more drugs than his too thin cracked out daughter, but she gave the best head and easily gave up her pussy anytime I wanted sex and didn't want to exert time and energy in finding a groupie to fuck. But in honesty, that's all Jane was, a groupie whore who was expendable.

Carlisle gave me little detail on this massage therapist with the exception that she was new and was from Forks. She was going to be new meat for me and I was going to try to corrupt her as little as possible. But I laughed and Carlisle looked at me with a raised crooked eyebrow. I shook my head and waved my hand to signal to forget about it. My coked out haze of a mind was getting lost in thoughts about how all the fans or groupies were starting to look the same and causing boredom to set in- bleached hair or bleached with streaks intermittently through brown hair, tight low-rise jeans with thongs showing below their tramp stamps of generic butterflies or hearts and plastered on make up. They all looked as though they had been ridden hard and tossed under a fuckin' semi. There were no angels in my life, only demons appearing in various forms. But this was my life and I fuckin' loved it.

Innocence died many life times ago and died immediately once it stepped inside in my life. Carlisle kept Esme from the shit and was oblivious to the drugs, alcohol and sex. I pulled at my trademark wayward messy bronze hair and pulled a sip on the bottle of Jack. I could really use a massage right now, a massage on my cock and balls. It could be either by hand, mouth or pussy. But nothing in that club or outside the bus enticed me. Not right now, at least. "Sweet Child O' Mine" sweetly played from the speakers and made me smile slightly. At that moment, I wish I had someone sweet and that was mine, but scowled at the thought. Sweetness was nothing that belonged in my life, unless it was a sweet piece of ass or a sweet snort or injection.

"Do you have the set list ready for tonight?" Carlisle asked, bringing me out of my coke induced mind conversation. My eyes blinked and stared up at the top of the bus and let out a breath I didn't know I had been holding. I nodded my head and took another swig of Jack. Some beeping noise was grating through my ears when I realized it was Carlisle's email notification.

"The massage therapist just emailed me asking if she could come out tomorrow, I told her yes."

Good God, I had a new toy to play with.


	2. Chapter 1 Beauty of the Pagan gods

_Chapter 1_

The little chime of the email notification on my Yahoo messenger alerted me that Carlisle had responded back to my email. Part of me was nervous to go look, afraid he had changed his mind; but once I looked at his reply I saw it was further from the truth. He was impatiently awaiting my arrival. I was going to have to give a big thank you to Mike for circulating my name and helping me get my first massage therapy job with only being out of school a little over two months. He had waited until I had all of my proper licensing.

Carlisle Masen had been well known here in Forks. My father and he had gone to high school together, but my father was more of the straight laced, be the outstanding citizen; while Carlisle was the rebel. Or so my father says. He never went into too much detail as did no one else in town. But I had met Carlisle a few times and he was nothing but gracious towards me. It was his sons that had me on edge somewhat.

No one ever spoke their names and Carlisle never spoke of his family. The two boys were hardly ever in town and had been sent to a private school in Seattle. So I had zero interaction with them, but that was soon going to change. I would be having intimate contact with them, but only on a professional level. The thrill of being in close proximity with a rock star was not going to cloud my professionalism; not matter how beautiful they were.

My bags and massage supplies had already been packed up in anticipation. Charlie's graduation present to me, a 2004 silver Honda Accord, was sitting out in front of the house waiting for me to decide when I would leave to make the drive to Portland, Oregon. Carlisle said he would have a hotel room waiting for me at the Marriott Portland City Center-fully paid for.

Charlie wasn't exactly thrilled about this job, but there was nothing for me in Forks, Washington. All my friends had gotten married within the first three years of being out of high school, and Jessica and Angela already had children. Just the thought of marriage and children right now made my chest get tight and my stomach roil with nausea. I wasn't exactly what you would call beautiful. Someone one time called me "classically plain". There was no other description that could have been better. My features were ordinary- pale skin, brown hair and brown eyes, nothing exotic or striking- even though my name meant beautiful, Bella. The last name wasn't any better, Swan that is; one of the most graceful birds in the world. That definitely was not me, beautiful and graceful.

Sighing from aggravation, I left my post from in front of my laptop and packed my backpack with last minute items-Ipod, Blackberry, shampoo and conditioner, and other toiletries. Once the backpack was filled to its gills, curiosity bubbled up in me. I minimized the Windows Media Player that was playing Theory of a Deadman and double clicked on my Firefox. In the Google search box I typed in Loxley Screws and instantly pulled up several links and photos of the group. I clicked on the band's official website and was immediately greeted with a lovely picture of Cullen Masen. How could a human being have the beauty of the Pagan gods that were written about in mythology? His eyes were a cross between new spring leaves and green Jello, skin so perfectly white like that of alabaster and lips that looked soft and so very full, and that hair. That was sex hair, not just a quick roll in the sheets sex hair but two hour ripping the sheets off the bed and slamming each other up against the wall sex hair. There was a tightening now in my pelvic area at that mental image.

I wasn't a virgin but the few times Mike and I had been together didn't exactly qualify me as a professor on sex. Mike had only liked missionary and soft kissing before hand. I knew that I had had vanilla sex. No passion. It sure didn't make me grasp the side of the mattress and sheets in result of the excruciating intense pleasure. No, Mike was done in a total of five minutes, even if I hadn't gotten off. So that was the extent of my sex life. Mike was also no Cullen Masen. Mike was just like the sex he offered, boring and vanilla. His generic blonde hair and blue eyes were like wall paper, they blended in with the scenery.

The day before Jessica had come over. When she walked in, she had a plastic Walgreen's bag tucked under her left arm and had a guilty smile on her face. I rolled my eyes and sighed with irritation. Her right hand slowly released the death grip her left arm had on the bag and shoved it into my chest. I felt several box like items in the bag and grew thirty shades of red once I looked inside. There were three different condom boxes-Magnums, Ultra Thin with spermicidal and Trojan colors. Her hands instantly went up in front of her.

"Now, just wait a minute. You're going to out on tour with all these guys. It's best to be prepared if something does happen. It's better to safe than sorry. From what I hear, once Cullen starts pulling on the charm, no girl can resist." she said with a concerned look.

"Well, I'm going to be out there doing a job. This is not some vacation I'm going on. It is my first professional massage job and it's the last thing I want to happen to make me look unprofessional. Besides, he has millions of willing groupies. He will have no use for me and the only use I will have of him is being able to add him to my clientele folder." I shot back in defense.

Jessica looked at me with left brow cocked up in disagreement. But she left me be.

Now the plastic Walgreen's bag was screaming at me to be packed up with the rest of my belongings. What if Jessica was right and I did meet some guy or guys out there? What if I wanted to have some fun of my own? Yeah right! I was never brazen and bold. But some nagging voice in the back of my brain was telling me to pack-all three boxes, all one hundred and eight condoms. Also it was unlikely any guy would need the Magnums, but whatever, they were coming along anyway. Would I even want to have sex with a guy that needed a Magnum? Would I be able to handle it?

A knock on my bedroom door slammed me back into real time and I knew it was Charlie. I hurriedly stashed the condoms into my clearly over crowded backpack and ran to open the door so Charlie wouldn't start getting suspicious. He gave me a curious look when I yanked the door open and was breathing heavily and my hair was all over my face. I didn't want to know what he was thinking.

"Bells, I just came up here to spend a few minutes with you before you took off," he sputtered out.

"Ok. Come on in." I moved out the way and he slowly walked in, roving his eyes over the disorder that was my bedroom. He cleared his throat in slight irritation and looked over at me.

"I see you're leaving this pig sty for me to clean up. You know you're not going to have that luxury on a tour bus. There will be other pigs there rolling around in their own shit without you adding to it. And that is another thing I want to talk to you about. I'm also sure Carlisle has changed over the years, especially since he's had children. It's not I don't trust him; it's that oldest boy of his I don't trust. So, I'm handing you this bottle of pepper spray, just in case, you know…something is tried that you don't want to happen."

"Dad, oh god…please no! I know about sex already and the consequences of such said act. I can handle myself."

"I know you can handle yourself, but can that boy handle himself. I've heard…things, Bella. Things that I don't know if they're true or not, but nonetheless, things I don't like the sound of. Please be careful and leave every way I can contact you…even Carlisle's email address and cell phone number."

I sighed and scrubbed my face with hands and nodded in agreement. Charlie clapped his hands and went to sit down on my bed.

"So, are you getting excited about this being your first job?"

It was after nine p.m. when Charlie finally left and causing me to have a late start. My laptop was the very last thing I packed. I changed into black velour track pants and a white tank top with the Arm and Hammer chick on it saying "Chicks Kiss Ass." My black and white Chucks completed my traveling attire. Charlie hung onto me as long as he possibly could till I snaked my way out of his arms. There were tears he was fighting to not let over flow and it made me get misty eyed.

Once I was on the 101 and well within two hours being outside of Forks, my black Blackberry Storm started playing Marilyn Manson's "Beautiful People" and saw it was Carlisle calling. I turned down my radio and pressed the send button.

"Hello, Carlisle. Is everything okay?"

"Yes, Bella, things are fine. I was just calling to let you know that you're room number was 200, right next to mine. So, if you have any problems, I'll be next door. Have you left Forks, yet?"

"Yes, I'm about two hours outside of Forks on 101. I have my GPS on with the address to the hotel plugged in, so I shouldn't have any problems with getting lost."

"That's good. We are all looking forward to having you on board, especially the band. Well, I will talk to you tomorrow. Goodnight, Bella."

I pressed the end button and let a out breath I was holding.

The drive was quiet and my car purred like a kitten. I had my Sirius radio on and listened to various hard rock groups. I let out a laugh when Loxley Screw's song "Ride the Bullet" came on. I wonder what Cullen meant by "ride the bullet". I didn't want to imagine. They sounded like early nineties Motley Crue, Nine Inch Nails and early eighties Goth. Cullen's voice was a mixture of Trent Reznor of Nine Inch Nails and Ville Valo of HIM and his lyrical content was of HIM and Type O Negative "October Rust" album. In other words, love and sex were the main content of their songs, with love being the main subject. For someone who appeared to be a manwhore, he sure sang about quite often.

From the bits and pieces I have gathered about the family, Cullen never knew his mother. She was killed in a car accident before he was even a year old, leaving Carlisle to raise him alone for two years before he remarried Esme, who was a florist back in Forks. Carlisle and she kept a low profile in town, but he was mainly out on the road with his sons. I can count on one hand how times I had seen Cullen and Emmett in person when they were scarcely in Forks. They spent most of their time in either Seattle or Vancouver. And that was all I knew of them.

I'm guessing what was about thirty minutes after Carlisle had called me; I received a text message that read his name. It was dangerous to read and text while driving, but this could have been important. So, I slowed my speed on since the road was desolate and pressed read button. My car about spun off the road and into a ditch when I read the words the text message said. I quickly found my bearings and pulled over on the side of the road, staring at the screen on my phone.

"I can't wait to inhale your scent and taste your skin." Those words bore holes into my corneas and brain. That couldn't have been Carlisle. There no was way. So I texted back, "I know this isn't Carlisle, who is this?"

"You will see, in due time." Fuck…..games were being played already. I took in a few deep breaths and slowly accelerated back onto the 101 that was going to quickly turn into US-12.


	3. Chapter 2 Jesus Cullen

_Chapter 2_

"Goddamn, that was one hell of a fuckin' show. Motherfuck!" I screamed once I got onto the bus. My blood was racing a thousand miles a second fueled by shit load of coke, Jack and Jager. I had found my release forty-five minutes before the show out behind a dumpster behind the club. She was very innocent looking with hair that was so blonde it looked almost white, the palest blue eyes I have ever seen, and even the way she looked up at me with my dick in her mouth with. She looked child like but nothing was child like about what she was doing to my dick. I think her was Carli, but I was not entirely sure.

Jasper and Emmett looked over at me warily as they sat down on the opposing couch in the front part of the bus. Loud stomps were coming up the hallway from the back lounge area and I saw Carlisle with his green eyes about to rupture out of his skull. His hands were in a mangled claw formation and he had a death glare zeroed in on my face.

"Goddamn you, Cullen. From now on, I am enforcing each of you to ask for some fuckin' identification when you talk to these girls. Holy hell, Cullen, how old was that girl that you took behind the dumpster? She looked to be no older than fifteen. I stood out in the fuckin' heat of the evening outside the bus listening to that charade just in case some shit happened. All I heard was, 'Jesus Cullen, Jesus Cullen, Jesus Cullen over and over.' I didn't know if she was getting fucked or worshipping you as if you were the next messiah coming."

I cockily smirked at my father and scratched my nuts before I spoke, "Oh, she was getting fucked alright and she did worship me. So maybe I am the next coming of the messiah." I responded with a cocked right brow.

Carlisle deflated and sighed. Jasper and Emmett were pulling out a white tray and placed it upon the cushion between then. Emmett pulled a sandwich bag full of pot from this jeans pocket and threw it onto the tray. Jasper smiled lazily, started unrolling the bag, and emptied it on the tray. Carlisle threw rolling papers at Jazz, as he was the master at rolling the fattest and longest blunts. He looked over at me and raised an eyebrow in question.

"You want something added, coke…Golden Girl?"

"There isn't any golden girl…yet. Just a little snow white will do."

I looked over at Carlisle as he was talking to someone on the phone and was telling them their room number for a hotel. I was wondering if it was our massage therapist. Jasper had said her name was Bella Swan. That name sounded familiar but could not place it. With her last name being Swan and coming from Forks, that shit should have meant something to me, but it did not. My gaze wandered back to Jasper and smiled at him with a big ass grin because he had just rolled the fattest fuckin' blunt I have ever seen him roll. The motherfucker sealed the edge with his tongue, lit the bitch up and took the first drag off it…causing his eyes to instantly roll back into his head. He somehow managed to pass it to me and I took to the fucker as if it was my first born and inhaled like a person who was gasping for air.

Carlisle had hung up from whoever it was and held his hand waiting in the air, waiting for me to pass the joint to him. Being the shit head I was I took another long drag before handing the baby off. My body slumped back against the couch and felt every muscle melt into the curve of the cushion from the indention of my body. My father took one hit and got up to head back to the lounge, leaving us in our marijuana fog. Carlisle left his phone lying beside me. It irked me that he was talking to some person that was going to be intimately involved with MY band. Therefore, I pressed the send button and all the calls made, incoming and out going, were listed. Bella Swan was the last call he made. So I flipped open the phone and selected text message.

My fingers were trying to get my brain to decide on what to send when I instantly thought about sex. Arrogance was burning through my body as a match set to gasoline. I did not even know what the bitch looked like, but apparently, Carlisle did, and I knew he would not let some ugly chick touch his sons and nephew.

"I can't wait to inhale your scent and taste your skin," flew from my fingers with blinding speed. I laid my head back on the cushion after I pressed send and waited. I knew she was respond since it came from my father's phone. Beep Beep.

"I know this isn't Carlisle, who is this?" came back. My fuckin' ego was sailing and I was higher than the gods on Mount Olympus were.

I replied with, "You will see, in due time."

Nothing came back and that bothered me. More than it should. Jasper and Emmett had left and gone back to the lounge with Carlisle to play fuckin' Guitar Hero. I normally would have joined them, but not tonight. I had lyrics running through my mind and I had to get them typed up before they evaporated. My laptop bag was sitting next to my dad's, so I did not have far to reach for it.

Once I logged onto Windows, I opened up Microsoft Word and my fingers flew across the keys. Words ran from my brain and poured out through my fingertips.

_Love me like the moon loves the ocean waves_

_Bury my heart into the grace of your pain_

_Rest your lips upon mine and let me inhale the despair_

_I'll breathe life into you and make you mine, if that's what you want_

_My love ceased to exist as your bliss ceased to exist_

_But joined together, we can by like Romeo and Juliet._

Then the words were gone as fast as they had appeared in my head. I saved the lyrics and hoped to return to them later.

Restrained, my dick twitched in my jeans as I slowly opened my eyes. Everything was dark with the exception for the dim overhead lights in the bus and the glow from my laptop. There was not any reason for my cock to be hard, but fuck was I horny. I wanted a warm, soft, supple body to lie on top of as she squirmed underneath me while I slid my dick in and out of her wet cunt. I wanted her to heavily breathe my name in my ear and arch her back as she drew close to coming all over me. Then I would pull out, wipe my dick off, and leave her lying on the couch with her chest heaving for air, as I went to my secret stash of golden girl and fall in love with her.

I am sure my father was going to try to keep Bella away from me as much as humanly possible, but we would need to form a working relationship. Snide remarks and vulgar touches were sure to bubble up, but I would have to rein them in. I noticed Carlisle had not come back for his phone and it laid there against my leg. Sleep was trying to take me over and I welcomed the bitch with open arms, but a loud fuckin' beep jolted me awake. Goddamn it! It was my father's phone and a goddamn text message.

"Carlisle, there is a problem with the room. Another Swan registered at the hotel called to cancel their room, but they cancelled mine and already gave that room to someone else. Please hurry with a response.-Bella"

Holy mother of fuck! My father was going to be furious. Holy shit! I gulped down the air and replied back," I'll work on it."

I ran back to the lounge and found my father snoring on the floor of the lounge. I kicked his right leg with my left foot and his eyelids shot right up. He looked at me and balled up his fists.

"Wait a minute, fucker. Bella sent you a text message that sounds urgent."

"Give me my phone!" He found her text and started rattling off cuss words that would make Esme blush.

"What the fuck happened to that room?" he screamed into the phone, apparently had the hotel.

Jasper rolled over and raised a brow in question at me.

"Bella's hotel room was cancelled and then given to someone else." Jasper's eyes got extremely big and I knew he felt pity for the front desk clerk. Emmett continued on snoring like a bear in hibernation.

"You are fully booked and my only option is to see if the girl will bunk up someone in my party. Am I hearing that correctly?" Carlisle stared at the floor before running his hand through his mass of blonde hair.

"Fine. Book her in my suite since it has the second bedroom and bathroom."

My father went to his call list and pressed Bella's name. She must have quickly answered. I could tell my father was not comfortable with the new arrangement.

"Bella, I'm sorry, but they have no other available rooms and my only option was to have you bunk with someone in our group. Truthfully, I am the only one I feel comfortable you bunking with. My suite has an extra bedroom with its own bathroom. I hope that is all right. "

There was a momentary pause before he relaxed with a nod of his head. He said his good bye and hung up.

"Son, thanks for waking me up. That was the grown up thing to do. I'm quite proud of you." he slapped me on the back and headed over to get a bottle of Coke.

"Uh, thanks, dad. I'm not a total fuck up or a moron."

He laughed under his breath and looked at me.

"I know. I just did not think you would react so quickly. I thought the poor girl would have to have sent like ten texts and six phone calls before you would do anything about it."

I shot him a pissed off look and made my way back up front, leaving that asshole behind me. Nevertheless, I knew my father was right; he was the only logical choice for Bella to bunk with. Once we hit Portland, the girls would be in town-Rosie, Alice and the crack whore Jane. I shuddered at the thought of her, but my dick grew harder than it already was.

Jane was as dirty as they got. She would let you fuck her anywhere, anyway with anybody. My big nine inch has been in every hole in the girl's body and I always left wondering why I did not tell her to fuck off and leave me alone. Not only did she fuck me, she would also fuck my fans and my groupies. I caught her on more than one occasion sucking on some girl's pussy in the back lounge of the bus or in the dressing area in the back of whatever club. There had even been the one horse, I think.

Her father was my main supplier. He always sent her with our shit to get her away from him. I guess a normal person would have felt sorry for her ass, but none of us did. To my knowledge, abuse or rape never happened. Aro just could not stand her as she reminded him of her mother, who he despised. Her mother also did not want her either. Fuck, if no one wanted me, I guess I might behave the way she did. However, she did not have to be that way, she chose to act the way she does, so I took advantage of her stupidity and willingness to fuck me whenever I was in the mood.

All of my love belonged to Golden Girl. True love was letting someone in your veins and she was the only one that I allowed to taste my blood. I was lonely without her until tomorrow. I would then relish in her arms and fall into the golden pool she offered me. I loved that girl more than anyone, even my family. Even my sweet little Snow Queen could not compete, not even close. I guess the closest thing that came to dividing my love from my Golden Girl was pussy and blowjobs. Those were my two main vices, even though I had more than two. What the fuck was poor Bella getting herself into? At that moment, I truly did not give a fuck.

The skies were turning into lavender, signaling the promise of the sun. I just wanted a shower, a hot breakfast and several hours of uninterrupted sleep. The girls would not be there until the late afternoon, so I had downtime. I wonder if Bella would be up to giving me a massage. I wanted to be the first fucker on her table in this fucked up caravan of freaks. As the road rolled on, I cracked open my Jack and settled up against the window to watch the scenery blur by.


	4. Chapter 3 Oh god…he tasted me

_Chapter 3_

By the time I had loaded everything on the luggage cart from my car, I was exhausted. Every muscle and joint ached, nothing a hot shower would not cure. Situated in downtown Portland, the hotel was not far from the Willamette River. I knew I would not get much a chance to explore Portland, as I would most likely be sleeping for most of the day.

A young man with the skin tone of a heavy creamed coffee came out from the hotel lobby and offered to take the luggage cart for me in a polite business like manor, I nodded my head yes. I looked at his nametag and back up to his face, replying, "Thank you, Tyler." He gave a friendly smile and waited for me to lead the way back into the hotel.

Once inside, my head was on a swivel. There was a grand staircase right as you step in, with walls of a warm honey color while the floor was white marble with a black and gray marble design. A lovely woman with sandy blonde hair was standing at the check in desk waiting for me to walk over and had a kind patient smile on her face. Her name was Judy.

"Welcome to the Marriott Portland Downtown, how can I help you?" she asked nicely.

"Hi, I'm Bella Swan, Isabella to be exact. I have a room reserved in my name. I believe its room two hundred."

Judy typed in my name and quickly worked to keep her face a mask of cordial blankness. She spent several minutes typing away at the keys on the computer, while giving me tight smiles and nervous eyes shifts.

"Ms. Swan, I think there has been a terrible mistake. It looks like someone else with the last name of Swan called earlier and cancelled their room. That front desk person cancelled your room and then gave it to someone else. Do you have any one to call?"

I stood there blinking at Judy as if she had just grown three heads, quickly grabbed my Blackberry, and sent Carlisle a text message. It was not too long before I got one back saying he was going to work on it. I waited a few minutes as Judy took a phone call and I knew it must have been Carlisle, because Judy's face went sheet white. After everything worked out, I was going to bunk with Carlisle in the extra bedroom in his suite. Yippee.

As Tyler and I walked over to the elevators, there was a loud commotion going on behind me. We turned around and saw three girls walk in who looked to be three sheets to the wind, pissed up drunk. There were two blondes and one brunette. The tall blonde was tremendously beautiful and looked a bit like Elisa Cuthbert as she wore jeans that seemed to be a second skin and a black spaghetti strapped tank top with red wedge heels. Pixie girl looked just like one of Amy Brown's paintings. Her brown hair was flipped out everywhere on the sides and complemented her sage green eyes, porcelain skin and slightly pointed nose. Then there was the train wreck of the other blonde. She was worse off then the others. Her hair fell at her shoulders and had no body to it, and hung stick straight. The poor thing's skin was pasty and her eyes were blue but did not have an ounce of life in them, she almost made me want to cry for her. I noticed she was constantly chewing on her bottom lip, which was beyond chapped. They all looked at me and I quickly turned away.

Tyler said very little on the way up the way up to the room and waited patiently as I tried several times to get the key card to register in the lock. After six tries, the door finally gave me the green light and Tyler kindly deposited my luggage by the bed and walked out, leaving me in peace. The room was exquisite. In the center of the room was a bed that looked to be big enough to fit four people. I saw the door to the other bedroom just off the living room area, which was to be my room. The carpet was a rich gold with an abstract pattern that went wall to wall. The walls were a warm honey color with the sofa and lounge chair being a ruby red color. I knew the bedding had to be like laying a cloud, as they were cream with gold accents. All I wanted was a shower, and then I will worry about sleeping.

My room looked the same as the rest of the suite. The bedding was the same as the other bed. There was a small television sitting on top of the cherry wood stained dresser. I placed my bags on the bed and opened my suitcase to get my sleepwear and toiletries.

I stood in the shower until I had used up every bit of hot water that the water heater held. There was steam everywhere in the bathroom and it made me sleepier. I could have just cuddled up to one of the towels as I wrapped one around my body.

After leaving the bathroom, I walked out to the room, dried my body off and walked back to the bathroom to hang my towel up properly. Walking back out to the room, I noticed the temperature was cool and I had a light summer pajama set laid out, but I would have the covers on the bed to keep me warm.

With tiredness starting to take over my body, I slipped on my Tinker Bell light green short set pajamas and pulled back the covers as I slid under them. The mattress was heavenly. My body needed holding and comforting. From here on out, I was going to be at the mercy of rock stars and I did not know how often they would want me to be at their disposal.

I had no conscious alertness of anything once my head hit the pillow. I saw flashes of images in my dreams of orgies that would have made Bacchus proud and every illegal substance known to man. The amount of groupies that were lying around everywhere made my insides heave. Why would women want to reduce themselves like that? As I wandered down a hall, I saw there was littering of glass beer bottles and food. I stopped in front of a closed door. It seemed odd, as all the other doors were wide open. After that, I quickly learned what it means to say curiosity killed the cat.

My right hand twisted the gold doorknob and gave a little shove and it opened with out resistance. There was no creaking noise, silent as the dead. Strewn everywhere were clothes and the room smelled musty, organic almost. There was very little light coming in from the slit in the dark curtain, so my eyes had to adjust.

A lump lay in the bed that measured out to be a person who was unconscious. I walked more around the disaster of a room and heard a muffled noise in the bathroom that had a faint light seeping out from under the door. Someone was catching their breath and moaning. I did not know if it was from pain or pleasure. A thumping sound was coming from the door and then it stopped. My right brow cocked up in interest and made me walk over to the closed door.

To my surprise, the door was unlocked. I slightly opened the door and saw two long legs sprawled out on the floor with the person's torso slumped up against the side of the bathtub. There was a large rubber band tied around the upper part of his arm, my eyes trailed down and saw a needle hanging out of their arm as a look of disconnected bliss shrouded their face. There was no one home in the body. The muscles were making little spasms and causing the sides of the mouth of twitch.

Their head lulled over to my direction and tried to raise their eyes up to meet my face. Once their head rose up to meet my eyes, where there should have been eyeballs were black empty sockets with skin pulled over. I must have been screaming in my sleep as I felt myself shaking and the bed shaking, and snapped my eyes opened-still screaming. I looked up into the same pair of grass green eyes that I had viewed earlier in another face, but this person had a mane of blonde hair like spun wheat.

"Bella, are you alright? It's me Carlisle." I looked around the room and then remembered where I was. It took several deep breaths before I finally calmed down and was able to speak.

"Yes, sir, I'm fine…now. I was just having very bad dream. But its better now, thank you."

He looked at me with gentle concern, wrapped his arm around my shoulders, and pulled me into him slightly, not enough for me to be uncomfortable but to feel safe. My stomach grumbled loudly and made my face flush.

"When was the last time you ate anything, Bella?" he asked nicely.

"I think it was before I got onto the interstate. I'm going to get dressed and go find a McDonald's."

"You will do no such thing. We can have breakfast here so we can go over what you will be doing while you are traveling with us." With that, I could not argue.

Swollen, that is how I felt now. Carlisle ordered us what seemed like fifty pounds of food. I had the best French toast I have ever eaten, the fluffiest eggs and the crispiest bacon. The orange juice tasted like it had just came from the fruit itself. Carlisle had just about the same as I did. While we talked, I could not help but notice how beautiful he was, just like his older son. I had changed into jean shorts and a gray tank top with black slip on sandals. I felt like vanilla once again sitting across from the blonde Adonis who wearing loose fit Levi's, brown man sandals and a black Led Zeppelin shirt.

My duties were simple and basic. I would have allotted time for the band and crew to have massages, and there was a period between massages for me to rest. Carlisle did not want me burned out so quickly and he knew how his boys were as they could be very demanding. He said he would make it extremely clear not to abuse my services. My payment would be the entire time here would be nine thousand for the three months I would be with them. God that sounded like so much money to me, I thought.

Carlisle asked me if I had arranged for my car and I told him that my father and his friend were driving down to pick it up. He seemed pleased and that reminded me that I needed to call Charlie. I am sure he was worrying. Carlisle slipped out to take care of business with the band and told me to meet him in the lobby in an hour.

Charlie answered on the second ring. He sounded relieved but had to head to work early, someone had property damaged during a domestic dispute. My dad was the chief of police in Forks, Washington. Since he ended the call quickly, I decided to change into my khaki shorts and a simple white cotton baby doll t-shirt and my plain white Nikes. It was my first day on the job. After I was changed, loud and shrill voices outside of the door alerted me, along with loud slams into the wall.

With interested concern, I walked over to the door and opened it enough to peek around to see the tall leggy blonde girl and the Amy Brown pixie hanging on the two other members in Loxley Screws, the guitarist and the bass player. Something came to mind as I watched them; I hadn't yet seen the drummer, the boy from the reservation in La Push. Charlie was real close with his father, but Jacob moved out on his own at sixteen and moved to Seattle to hang out with Carlisle's sons.

The two girls looked more refreshed and cleaned up well, made me wonder what the other blonde girl looked like now. The taller girl with blonde hair turned her head, looked at me, narrowing her eyes, and gave a small smile. I wondered what that was about as I closed to the door. My phone beeped from across the room and I ran to get it. It was from Carlisle. "Meet me in the lobby as fast as you can. Everyone is leaving now." Instantly, I felt like my breakfast was going to come back up.

It did not dawn on me till now that my massage equipment was not in the room anymore. Carlisle must have had it taken down. All I needed to get was my massage oil and some towels. I all but sprinted down the hall to catch the elevator that was just about to close. Inside was an elderly couple that smelled like mothballs. I was trying not to gag. Once off, I gasped for air. I hid behind a column to steady myself before heading over to where everyone was. I hoped my clumsiness would not falter me now.

Everyone was standing by the grand staircase. Forget about having butterflies in my stomach, it felt as if a swarm of locust was ripping through. Carlisle saw me and motioned me over as every person turned around to look at me. It wasn't the two girls or their mates, wasn't Jacob or the homely lifeless blonde that set my nerves on fire but it was the creature with the copper super sex hair and grass green eyes. Cullen narrowed his gaze at me and swallowed, making his Adam's apple move. His jeans hugged his thighs tightly as they went down to cover up Doc Martens. A black Motley Crue shirt that seemed a size too small showed off the defined chest and arms.

I went past GO and did not collect my two hundred dollars. My feet made a beeline for Carlisle; he was safe even though he almost mirrored his son. It felt like sawdust in my mouth and I desperately needed water, but could wait until we reached the club. Carlisle introduced me to everyone, but everything was a buzzing noise and I just hoped I was coherently polite. When finally introduced to Cullen, I felt stupid, as he did not take my hand; he just nodded his head at my general direction. He seemed to be extremely pissed off about something, and I was wondering if it was I.

Carlisle pressed his hand softly in the small of my back as the others were filing out the lobby door, with no one giving me a second look. There were several taxis lined up underneath the overhang of the hotel entrance-Emmett, Rosie, Alice and Jasper got into the first taxi, while Jacob, Jane and Cullen got into the second cab. That left the last one for Carlisle and me. Before we got in, Cullen stepped out of his taxi and walked over to his father. Carlisle looked up at his son with a crooked eyebrow.

"Yes, son? Anything I can do for you?"

"Yeah, um, dad…about that girl last night, the one you said looked under age…well I did see her buying drinks at the bar. I don't know if that will make you feel better, but I will start asking for their ID's for now on."

Carlisle looked as if his son has sprouted a third eye ball and then gave Cullen a smile that only a proud father could muster up.

"Thanks son."

Cullen ducked his head down to look into the taxi and stared at me for a few seconds before heading back towards the awaiting taxi.

We sat in silence as the taxi lurched into movement. Off into the distance I could see the Willamette River and the stores and restaurants that lined its bank. Carlisle was busy typing on his laptop when he looked over at me with a side ways glance.

"Bella, I hope none of them made you feel uncomfortable. Cullen sometimes likes to intimidate people because he has this rock god like ego and that can make him appear to be a huge asshole. Well my son is an asshole but not all the time. Now I know you are twenty-one, but I do not know if you know the rest of their ages. Cullen is twenty-three and Emmett is twenty-one just like you. Jasper is in between at twenty-two and Jacob is your age, too. Therefore, everyone is pretty much the same age, even Jane, if you can believe that. She's only twenty-two, also."

"I sort of figured we were all close in age, and I kind of know Jacob, I mean his father and my father are really close. Jacob was always off doing his own thing with the other guys in La Push, so I have only ever talked to him in passing. I have only seen all of you in passing on the few occasions you all have been home, and Esme has always been great. She would give my dad the best roses she would have for my birthday. So anyways, that girl Jane, is she like his girlfriend?"

Carlisle looked at me with a guarded look and sighed heavily. He ran his left hand through his hair and looked out the window.

"Bella, my son's relationships are my business but not exactly. I do not know what she is to him, but I can say he does NOT love her. I don't think he can love anyone but himself….and golden girl." I noticed an abyss of sadness in his tone on the last three words, but I did not press.

Golden girl must have been a code word for something that Carlisle did not want to talk about. I had no idea what it was, but I had a sinking feeling I was going to find out. Our ride from the hotel was not exactly far from the venue, which was Dixie Tavern, and they only had live music on Sunday nights and this happened to be Sunday night. Everyone must have been waiting to get on the bus because once the taxis stopped; the band and their girls sprinted for the bus except for Cullen who lingered outside. Carlisle finished zipping up his laptop bag, looked over at me with raised eyebrows, and nodded towards the door, which Cullen opened.

"Thank you son."

"Sure, no problem…dad."

Carlisle went and paid for all the taxis, which left me with Cullen who was staring at me with little expression. He moved out of the way so I could get out but made no other efforts to head towards the bus. Instead, he moved closer to me and leaned down towards my hair, right above my right ear. It felt like he was inhaling my scent in my hair but then he stood straight up and stared back into my eyes, his mouth was twitching as if he wanted to smile. He leaned back down to my ear, he was so close I could feel his breath on the upper area of my neck and it smelt like peppermint. I felt something wet graze the area of skin on my jaw that was beneath my ear, oh god…he tasted me. He blew his breath on the area he had just tasted and sent shivers down to my toes, causing me to tremble.

I felt his lips on my ear lobe as he took in air and then whispered to me, "I'm going to give you an hour to get everything you need set up and then you're going to massage me for two straight hours. I can't exactly promise I'll be on my best behavior, but I'll try my best and my best isn't always accurate."

My breath was caught somewhere in my throat, unable to escape in that moment. His fingertips grazed the back of my arm before he walked away to join the others on the bus.

When Carlisle finished talking to the club manager, I walked over to him and waited again while he answered his cell phone. He was done shortly after he started the conversation and looked at me.

"I need to know where my massage items are at and I need to know where to set up at?" I asked nervously.

"Oh yes! I will get John who is Jake's drum tech to unload everything for you as I show you the room. Follow me."

John was busy getting Jacob's gear out of a trailer that hooked to the back of the bus when Carlisle asked to help get my supplies for me. John shook his head and gave me a smile. As for the room I would be using, it was half the size of my bedroom. That meant I would be in extremely close proximity to Cullen. By the end of this tour, I would need to be on blood pressure medicine or start doing yoga or some shit like that. Let us hope I do nothing clumsy.


	5. Chapter 4 Girl with Golden Eyes

A/N: Warning this chapter has severe drug use. I do not own the characters as they belong to Stephenie Meyer, but the idea is mine.

* * *

_Chapter 4_

I wake up every morning  
Jonesing for her love  
The girl with golden eyes  
I won't have to wait long  
'Til she buries me with roses  
'Cause she's always by my side

-Girl with Golden Eyes by Nikki Sixx

E. (Cullen)

When we finally got to the hotel, the sun was just breaking over the horizon, and my ass was fucking exhausted. I didn't care what happened to anyone at this point, as my body just wanted a fuckin' hot shower, because my ass stunk, and a big ass bed to sprawl and pass out in. My insides were begging for some Golden Girl. I was starting to feel waves of nausea from not having the shit, and Snow Queen only numbed the ache. Jane had better be in the car with Rosie and Alice. If not, I'm done with her. Hell, I need to be done with her anyway. She always smelled like dead fish.

Carlisle once again booked us in a crème de la crème fuckin' hotel. Everything felt so comfortable and homey with the exception of the marble flooring. My moment of enjoying the surroundings was ruined within seconds of stepping into the lobby. That shrill voice echoed off the walls and shot like a bullet from a gun into my eardrums. Goddamn Jane, she was here too fucking early, too early for me to have to deal with her. I hoped to have Jane shipped out of here by the time the show starts tonight, but she had what we needed, especially what I needed. Emmett and Jasper looked too damn happy this early in the morning. Like always, Jacob didn't say shit. He never said shit, unless he was drunk, high or just had something on his mind. My heart started racing in my chest when I heard the front desk chick tell my dad that the guest had already arrived and settled into the room. I knew it was the massage therapist.

Jane slinked over to me. She had become too fucking thin and looked worse than ever. Her Blondie t-shirt, which she cut the arms out of, was literally falling of her. I could almost see the mosquito bite things she calls tits and her jeans were sagging in the back, because her ass was caving in. I needed this train wreck out of my life. I could figure out another way to get my shit from Aro.

"There's my man. Have you missed me, baby?" she whined nasally.

"Not really, but I have missed your father's supplies, though," I said while I yawned.

"Oh baby, you're tired. Let mama here take care of you. I got the cure right here in my bag," she whispered in my ear, as she wrapped her arms around my waist.

I tried to hold back my repulsion.

Carlisle looked over at me, narrowed his eyes at Jane, and snarled. My father actually snarled like a goddamn pit bull. He hated Jane as much as I hated her. He was in front of us with two strides. If he could have shot laser beams out of his pupils, Jane would've been dead.

"Jane," he managed to say through clenched teeth.

"Good morning, Carlisle. I have the goods in my bag." My father pulled her away by her boney left arm to a corner, where he opened a black backpack and watched as Jane dumped the goods into it. When they finished, he walked back over to me.

"I want you to get some food and some sleep before touching any of this shit. Deal?" he asked with a cocked left brow.

"That's where I'm headed anyways, Dad," I shot back. He gave one last look over at Jane and turned around to walk towards the elevators.

"Hey baby, he didn't take everything." Jane had a baggy of shit that looked like brown sugar. I just gave her a crooked smile and walked towards the elevators with my left arm around her neck.

The very first thing I did when I walked into the room was close the damn curtains. Once I was done with Golden Girl, I wanted complete darkness. I didn't even want to take time scoping out the room; none of that mattered except the brown power in that little plastic baggy. My bags were dropped on the floor beside the bathroom as were Jane's, who was sitting cross-legged on the bed with an unopened package of insulin needles, a rubber tourniquet, diffuser dish, bottle of water and a candle. She was waiting for me so I could set everything up. I never let her fix up the Golden Girl.

I took my shirt and jeans off and threw them over a chair at the table by the TV, leaving on only my socks. My dick was half-hard. I didn't know if it was from the sight of Golden Girl or for some sick fucked up reason….Jane. She was looking at me with anticipation, almost as if she wanted it more than me. However, I was dying for a shower.

After I showered and dried my body off, I walked over to the bed and lightly sat down on the mattress. Jane handed me the diffuser with the bottled water and watched me place the items on the nightstand. The position was beginning to be awkward on the bed, so I kneeled by the nightstand. With my right hand, I uncapped the bottled water, using the cap as a measuring cup and poured the water into it, which went into the diffuser dish.

I reached over to Jane and she dropped the plastic bag in my hand. I gazed at the brown sandy substance with complete adoration. How I have missed Golden Girl.

"How much is in here?" I asked her.

"66 mgs."

"Shit, that's only enough for me. Do you have another baggy for yourself?" She nodded her head.

I slowly opened the bag, poured the heroin into the diffuser dish, and threw the baggy on the floor. Jane handed me a metal spoon and I used it to mix up the concoction. I grabbed a lighter, lit the candle, and placed it under the diffuser dish. I watched as my Golden Girl was born.

After she liquefied, I opened the insulin syringe package. I drew in the liquid until most of it was in the syringe. I carefully placed the syringe on the table. I saw an alcohol cloth packet and tore it open to have it ready. I tied the tourniquet above the crook of my right elbow and started pumping my fist until a fat vein plumped up. A big grin crept across my face.

Immediately, I took the alcohol wipe and sanitized the area in the crook of my elbow. After that was done, I grabbed the syringe and placed it flat against my skin, going down the length of the vein. I slowly inserted the needle, pulled back a bit on the plunger, and saw a decent flow of blood coming in, signaling I had hit the vein. With painstaking slowness, I pushed the plunger down, slowly letting Golden Girl invade my body. Within no time, I was flying and could only move to the bed since I was on it anyway. The euphoria was the same each time. I was numb and relaxed.

I was riding a huge, all over body high. My eyes closed as my mind drifted into another world. Visions of faeries and pixies danced around; all were female and naked; their little, lithe bodies glowed iridescently. One of them came over and took the needle out of my arm, still leaving the trail of blood on my arm. I watched as it pooled in the palm of my hand and slid down the side of my thigh. She looked as if she was cleaning something up and throwing away the contents of my room, but I didn't fucking care. Once she finished cleaning, she started doing what I had just done, but she sterilized things before she got her hit.

My faerie curled up into my side, running her nose along the contours of my chest muscles, lightly flicking her tongue on my nipple. Her little hand was rubbing my dick at an erratic pace of quick and slow, quick and slow. I honestly couldn't believe my dick was even hard, but there it was. She looked like she was floating and hovering above my body, as she slid her wet pussy onto my dick. Somehow, my brain registered the condom when she came up in mid stride.

My mind was in and out of consciousness, seeing flashes of her tits bouncing and her head thrown back as her shrill screams rattled my eardrums. I felt the tightening down below and I knew I was about to cum. The last thing I remember was my mouth screaming into the pillow.

Something jingle-like was going off in the background when I woke up. I didn't know if it was the TV or a cell. Honestly, I didn't fucking care. I cracked my eyelids open and saw a somewhat dark room. There was a slight soreness to my arm, so I looked down and saw a dried trail of blood down my arm, thigh and in my hand. Somehow, in the midst of the afterglow of Golden Girl, my stomach was able to grumble from lack of food. A wave of nausea slammed into me like a wrecking ball and the smell of Jane wasn't helping matters.

I ran as fast I could to the toilet and barely made it before I started throwing up yellow bile. When my stomach was no longer retching bile, I started having fucking dry heaves. I knew I needed to break up with them, Jane and Golden Girl, but I would drop Jane before Golden Girl. With my hands gripping the wall for support, I pulled myself up from the bathroom floor, walked over to the sink, turned the water on. I filled my mouth, swished the water around, and spat it out.

I found my toothbrush in my bags lying outside the bathroom. I brushed my teeth and wiped my hands and mouth on the hand towel that sat beside the sink. My eyes kept going back to the dried blood on my right arm and I knew I had to clean that shit up.

There was a white washcloth hanging up with the towels above the toilet, so I walked over and grabbed it. I pulled apart the wrapper on the little bar of soap the hotel supplied, lathered up the washcloth, and started scrubbing my arm, thigh, and hand. It took several scrubbings to get off most of the blood. I rummaged around in my bag, found the box of band-aids, and took one out to cover the needle mark. My stomach rumbled again and then radiated pain…I needed food, badly.

Today was going to be the end of my attachment to the lump that lay comatose in the bed, with its gangly limbs hanging off the side. Lifeless blond hair hung over its gaunt face, covering the soulless black holes that were wrongly called eyes. I walked over, moved a few strands of limp hair out of the way, looked down at the parted, pale chapped lips, and watched as drool flowed out of her mouth.

"This stable friend and the beasts of his zoo; wild, haired chicks each color connects to create the boat which rocks the race," I softly whispered a stanza from Jim Morrison's "Lament for the Death of My Cock" poem. I looked down at the girl, who incorrectly thought she was my muse. She never even amounted to any sort of inspiration for me.

No longer having the patience to fucking tolerate the pain in my abdomen or to breathe the same air as the vile creature sleeping on the bed, I threw on the cleanest jeans I could find, an old Motley Cure shirt and my black Docs. I grabbed my phone, my wallet, and room key and walked out the door into the hallway. I was just two rooms down from my father and Bella. My curiosity was starting to get the best of me. My eyes needed to see her; my body needed to sense her. I shook the thought from my head and walked down to the elevator.

I didn't have to wait long for the elevator as it was already there. That did not happen too damn often. I guess today was my lucky day. My body was still feeling the fuzzy numbness from earlier this morning, calming me almost. Another grumbling and a piercing pain shot through my stomach. I knew there was a restaurant in the hotel that served breakfast called Mez on Broadway.

The elevator door opened to the restaurant, and as I stepped out, a pretty, red-haired girl named Brook greeted me. She lowered her face, looked up at me through her eyelashes, and gave a playful smile.

"Good morning, Mr. Masen, where would you like to sit?"

I looked around the room and saw Emmett sitting at a table situated in a bay window, alone. I nodded over towards him, so she took a menu and asked me to follow her, which gave me a great view of her ass. I had to fight my right hand from reaching out and grabbing it.

Emmett looked up from his phone as he heard us walk over and gave me a big cheesy grin. I smacked him on the back and took the seat across from him. Brook gave me one last smile, placed the menu down in front of me, and turned to walk away; purposely swaying her hips, knowing I would be watching. Emmett's laugh broke my gaze and I turned my head to him. We both smirked.

"How are you this morning, my…lovely brother?"

"Could any hell be more horrible than now and real?" I mumbled another line from Jim Morrison's "Lament for the Death of My Cock."

"That's bad that you're quoting Jim Morrison poetry" he looked up from taking a sip of his coffee.

"I pressed her thigh and death smiled," I quoted Jim Morrison's "Lament" again.

He sighed and placed his coffee mug down.

"We all keep wondering when you're going to give her the walking papers. Honestly, the pussy from that can't be any good. Rosie says Jane constantly smells like fish and she can't go for more than two hours without wanting to snort up coke, and it doesn't matter where she is. I think Dad needs to have a serious talk with Aro, but he's not going to do it until he has a confirmation from you."

"Today is the final day. I'm tired of her neediness. I'm also tired of sharing my goods. Furthermore, I'm tired of her fucking me every time Golden Girl takes over me. I can't enjoy the sweet invasion like I want. So what did Rosie and you do after all of us left?" I asked as a waitress sat down a glass of water.

Emmett waited until the waitress left before talking.

"We did a few lines, shared half a bottle of Jager, and fucked for about an hour. I'm surprised I'm even awake right now, but my stomach woke me up."

"Doesn't it always?" I joked as I sipped my water, which tasted like absolute bliss.

Our waitress, Christine, finally came back to our table. She was cute with full round tits, rounded hips and ass, and long brown hair that hung midway down her back. Her smile reached her evergreen eyes, as she asked me what I wanted to eat. I could have ordered the entire fucking menu, but decided on French toast, eggs and bacon. Emmett ordered pancakes, sausage, bacon, eggs, and a buttered English muffin.

Emmett was texting someone on his phone as we sat in silence and waited on our food. It was a Sunday morning and the streets weren't crowded since most people were in church. A few people were getting their morning exercise by running or biking; a few others were getting their morning coffee and sitting outside the coffee shop reading the Sunday paper. How simple their lives looked. I can't remember ever experiencing that kind of simplicity. Did I even want simplicity? I thought for a few minutes. No. I wouldn't want simplicity. Being simple makes you boring, and that is something I never wanted to be. I feared it just as I feared….

"Ok, Boys, here is your food." Christine interrupted my thoughts with several plates of food.

If my dick were hard, I would have come from the sheer enjoyment of the French toast. I couldn't remember when I last ate good food, but I remember what the food was, as I always did. My last decent meal, besides the usual fast food shit, had been steak, baked potato, salad and steamed mixed vegetables. Emmett looked like a fuckin' king across from me with several plates of food surrounding him, but he needed all that shit. He worked out constantly. We all did, but not like Emmett. He was close to body builder status. I had the build more like a baseball player, muscular and toned, but nowhere near as bulky as Emmett. Jasper looked more like a soccer player- tall, muscled, and lean. Jake was another one that was bordering on body builder status.

Jake used to be very tight with all of us, drank beer, alcohol…whatever we had. He was never one for the hard shit, like coke or heroin, but he'd join in on smoking a joint. Now, he kept mainly to himself, except for when it came time for shows, recording music, and the occasional bullshit talks on the bus in between cities if he wasn't too tired. I actually missed him, even though we lived in the same small, confined space of the bus.

Emmett was talking about wanting to get to the club early so we could have a rehearsal. There were songs he wanted to smooth out. I nodded my head in agreement, pulled my phone out and texted Dad about what the plan was. Emmett was already texting Jasper and Jake. Soon, I would have to get back up to the room and wake up the nightmare.

"Hey Em, I have to get back up to the room and get that thing awake so we can try to be on time. Here's a twenty to cover my portion of the meal." I pulled a twenty from my wallet. He waved his hand away from the money and winked.

"I got it, Bro. No worry." He got up from the table, walked around, and put his arms around me. I surprised myself and hugged him back. We pulled apart and gave each other that brotherly smirk. As I walked back towards the elevator, I gave Brook a light kiss on the cheek and a crooked smile. An exquisite blush of red bloomed upon her face.

The sound of rushing water greeted me as I entered the hotel room and saw the empty bed. Thankfully, I wasn't going to have to wake the beast up, but now I dreaded seeing it naked. Her clothes were laid out on the bed, some light blue summer dress and what looked like white leggings. I rolled my eyes; she was trying to make herself pretty for me. Jane used to be a very pretty girl, but now she looked more like an addict than I did.

She was getting the pink slip tonight after the show. I pulled my phone out and texted my dad to give him the go ahead on talking to Aro. The water shut off and I heard the shower door open. Sounds of water sopping the floor were like nails on a chalkboard; I hated a wet bathroom floor. Jane padded into the room with a white, fluffy towel hanging from her body and one wrapped around her head. I cleared my throat in annoyance.

My eardrums almost ruptured from the shrill shriek she released the moment she heard me. She turned around with a stunned look in her eyes and dropped the towel on the floor, giving me a clear look at her skeletal form. A dog after having puppies had more tits than Jane did.

"You bastard, you scared the hell out of me!" she squeaked like a mouse.

"Get dressed, now!" I ordered. I was in no mood to deal with her.

"What's the rush, Babe?" she asked, as she slipped on her bra and panties.

"We're leaving for the club early."

"I haven't had breakfast yet," she whined.

"It's going on lunch time, get lunch," I barked. My muscles were hurting me, actually my entire back was screaming at me. I was going to keep my promise of being the first on Bella's massage table.

Jane slipped her hand inside her bag, pulled out another bag of Golden Girl, and walked over to me. She looked like she was wearing a bag as her clothes hung off her.

"This is the last of the stash in my purse. I'll give it to you on one condition: you let me blow you right now," she purred.

My raised my left brow as I scowled. I snatched the bag out of her hand before she had time to register what I had done.

"Don't ever taunt me. Do you understand?" I growled. Jane's eyes bugged with fright as she nodded her head. She knew her days were numbered.

Jane brushed her hair out and then brushed her teeth. She was trying to stall. I stood at the end of the bed with my arms crossed over my chest, glaring daggers into the back of her head, while hoping she would drop dead. I would never physically harm her, as I would never physically harm any girl, but this particular one pushed every goddamn button I had.

"Hurry the fuck up! There's no one that is impressed by your face or your sense of fashion."

"One day….Cullen, you're going to love me," Jane whined.

I tried, fuck did I try to keep from laughing in the girl's face, but that had to be some of the funniest shit I'd heard in a long time. Once my laughing fit subsided, I yanked her by the arm and pulled her towards the door when I looked back at her.

"Get your bags. You will not be returning here tonight after the show." She gasped and went to argue until she saw my face. Jane pulled away my hold and quickly packed the few items she had brought with her. She was going to pack the diffuser but I stopped her.

"Get yourself another one." A heavy sigh escaped her lips as tears started falling. Any proper gentleman would have wiped them away, but I just didn't care.

"We need to get going, NOW!"

Everyone was waiting downstairs. Rosie and Alice were huddled together, murmuring in low tones. Emmett, Jasper, Jake, and my father stood grouped together. Jane started to walk over to the other girls, but I tightened my grip on her arm. Carlisle smiled up at me and patted my back when I walked up beside him.

"Son, how are you doing today?" he almost chirped.

"I'll be better once the trash is taken out and done away with," I sneered.

Carlisle glanced over at Jane and laughed under his breath.

"Would I be stupid to assume that plans are under way to remove the trash?" I asked with a raised eyebrow.

"Plans are definitely under way," Carlisle answered happily. He pulled out his phone and sent a quick text to someone.

"Bella will be down in a moment. She's a lovely girl-intelligent, beautiful, and pleasant."

Everyone looked up at me, waiting to see my reaction. I honestly didn't have one. I would have to judge when Bella arrived. The girls walked over to Emmett and Jasper and encircled their arms around their waists. Jane started to do the same and then felt me stiffen up; it was a warning to her. I glanced back at my father, as he looked over towards the elevators and motioned for someone to join us. We all turned around.

Standing by a column near the elevators, was the most innocent, sweet, and like my father said, beautiful girl I had ever seen. I was stunned. My mouth was salivating and I had to swallow as she walked closer to us. Her eyes moved to each of our faces and back to mine, then cutting them sharply back to my father's face. He started introducing her, and when he got to me, I could only nod my head at her. Immediately, I hated my actions. I saw "asshole" written in her expression. Jane's waif body had stiffened upon Bella's arrival. I knew this was not going to be good.

Carlisle looked down at his watch as I started walking towards the lobby door. Everyone followed behind me. We all filed out rather quickly and I saw three taxis lined up, waiting for us. Rosie, Emmett, Jasper, and Alice made way for the first one, giving Jacob, Jane and me the second.

I entered the taxi last and instantly thought of the girl from the other night behind the dumpster. I didn't want stories getting back to Bella that were untrue. Jane gave me a scowl as I got out of the taxi and walked over to my father. He cocked an eyebrow at me.

"Yes, Son, what is it? Anything I can do for you?"

"Yeah, um, Dad…it's about that girl last night? The one that you said looked under age…Well, I did see her buying drinks at the bar. I don't know if that will make you feel better, but I will start asking for their ID's from now on."

He looked at me, as if I was someone else; and then a smile that told me he was proud, spread across his face.

"Thanks, son."

I nodded at him and then ducked down to see Bella sitting in the taxi looking confused and wide eyed. I tried to gage her expression but got nothing. So I turned around and got back in the taxi next to Jane, who even after showering still smelled like fish.

Whatever my father was telling Bella, I wasn't worried. He knew I was an arrogant asshole but I still had feelings, at times. I heard Jacob smirking and looked over at him.

"What's so funny, quiet man?"

"She's either going to be running for the hills or get intrigued and want to venture more into our lifestyle. Bella is innocent and a bit naïve. I can't believe her father is letting her do this."

"You know her father?"

"Yeah, I do. Her father and my father are very close. I haven't really talked to her much over the years, but she's a nice girl."

"Who's her father back in Forks?" I was intently interested.

"Police Chief Charlie Swan."

Oh shit….Chief Swan's daughter is our massage therapist. That made things even more interesting. I was going to have to play this as it went along.

Those khaki shorts showed off her legs beautifully and the simple white cotton shirt accentuated her waist and tits, showing the curve of each in just the right way. Those pink full lips against her perfect, porcelain skin made her almond shaped brown eyes stand out. Her eyes looked like the pools of chocolate at the Hershey chocolate factory. Warm and sweet, that's the impression I got from Bella Swan.

Our ride to the club was silent for the remainder of the route from the hotel, which wasn't far. I enjoyed playing at the Dixie Tavern, a little smaller venue than what we normally play in, but it had a good atmosphere…and lots of hot pussy. God, how can I be thinking about Bella one minute and then fucking other girls the next? How mentally fucked up was I?

We pulled around back to where our bus was. I could tell everyone was antsy to get on. Once all the cars stopped, the doors opened and everyone flew to the damn bus, with the exception of me. I stayed behind. When I was out, I walked over to my dad's taxi and opened the door, just as my dad was zipping up his laptop bag.

"Thank you, Son."

"Sure, no problem…Dad."

Carlisle opened his door and went to pay all three taxis their fees, while I stood staring at Bella. I sensed she felt like a caged animal, so I moved aside for her to get out. She looked surprised, as I didn't start moving towards the bus. She seemed so timid and innocent. I had to keep my promise I made to her in the text message.

When I felt she wasn't going to run away, I leaned closer to her right side, and started inhaling her scent. Good god….she smelled like vanilla, vanilla frosting to be exact. I pulled myself upright again and stared deeply into her eyes. My mouth was twitching from wanting to bend down and kiss her perfect pink full lips. I had to get another intake of her scent, so I leaned down again. My breath was slowly exhaling on her skin just behind her right ear. I wanted a taste more than anything, so I slowly grazed my tongue along her jaw, just under her ear and blew softly on the spot. Her skin was smooth like silk and I felt her quiver.

I slowly raised my lips to her earlobe and took in some air before I whispered, "I'm going to give you an hour to get everything you need set up, and then you're going to massage me for two straight hours. I can't exactly promise I'll be on my best behavior. I'll try my best, but my best isn't always successful."

I meant every word. I wanted to be as clear minded as I possibly could during that massage. I wanted nothing hinder the feeling of her hands massaging my body. Her breath hitched and I was getting off on her reaction. I raised my hand and grazed my fingertips on the back of her arm. She wasn't saying anything, so I pulled away and started for the bus.

Once inside, I smelled the aroma of pot. Everyone was getting high, including Jake. Jane sat in the far corner at the front of the bus staring out the window. I looked to see what her gaze had targeted, which only me pissed off. She didn't see me as I walked up to her and grabbed her wrist. She let out a little yelp.

"Don't even think about talking to her. You're not even worthy to be in her presence. Leave her alone." Her eyes were wide with confusion, but she knew better than to question me. She knew this was the last time she would ever spend with me.

After about thirty minutes, Carlisle came on and made his way back to the lounge where I was. I was leaning back against the wall, drinking a Mountain Dew while listening to Kings of Leon. He gave me a quizzical look, most likely surprised that I wasn't drinking. I've gotten massages before and I knew it wasn't good to drink alcohol before getting one.

"Son, I'm surprised you're not nursing a bottle of Jack or a beer. Is there any special occasion?"

"Yes. I'm getting Bella to massage me for two hours. My body is in knots and aching everywhere." He narrowed his eyes at me in response.

"Don't go taking advantage of her or overworking her. I've been meaning to address that. She is not a whipping horse. She has set times she will be working. When those times have ended, she does no more massages; she's free to do whatever she wants. I want this to be fun for her, as much as it can be."

"I just wanted to be the first one she massages," I said with a smile.

"Do not corrupt her, if you can help it. Most likely by the time you get back, Jane will be gone." I had nothing to say except to give him a high five.

I finished my soda and threw it in the trash. Everyone up front was in a bullshitting conversation. It was nothing I cared to take part in. When I stepped off the bus, there was a light breeze and an overcast sky, which was nothing new for the Pacific Northwest. I closed my eyes as I remembered her smell, vanilla-frosting spread across porcelain. I had to stop procrastinating and get moving; I only had about 10 minutes until it was time for the massage, and I wanted to be early.

The back of the club was surprisingly quiet, but it was still early. There was a light coming from a room on the right and some shuffling noises filtered out. I walked up to the open door and found Bella sitting on the floor by her massage table, with her head leaned against the wall looking up at the ceiling. I gave a knock and her head snapped over in my direction.

"Hey, I'm here early. I wanted to take some time to talk with you"

"Hi…Cullen. I was just waiting for you. Come in and close the door, please."

I walked in, closed to door behind me, and stood in front of her, which caused her breath to stop in mid intake from me standing. I so needed to pull in my reins. The room was filled with that scent of vanilla frosting, and my jeans were becoming a little tight in the crotch area. Bella cleared her throat and asked a question I knew she didn't mean anything by.

"So, um…how hard do you like it?"

"How hard can you give it?" I replied with a smirk.

"As hard as you want it without causing too much pain."

"A little pain isn't that bad. How hard do you like it?"

"Um, here is an intake form for you to fill out. I'll just wait for you to finish." Bella answered as she fumbled with the clipboard.

I took the clipboard from her and looked at the questions: is this my first massage: no. Have I had any injuries within the past six months: no. Do I have any cuts, scrapes, or bruises: bruises on my arms. Have you had any surgeries in the past six months: no. Where are you having problems at: my cock, scratch that, all over. There was a list of ailments ranging from diabetes to pregnancy. No ailments. I took drugs, but she didn't need to know that, just yet.

I handed back the clipboard. She looked over it and seemed pleased with what was on it. She placed it on a small table that was in a corner and turned back around to me.

"Well, just undress to your comfort level, get underneath the sheets, and lie face down for me. Do you have any questions for me?" she asked as turned on some relaxing music.

"None."

"Well, I'll see you in a few minutes."

As Bella slowly walked to the door and grabbed the knob, I stroked the side of her left hand, and whispered, "I can't wait to have your hands on my body."

She opened her mouth to answer, but she opened the door and stepped out. I'm going to have to take this slow, but I am not going to stop doing what I love…my Golden Girl.

Lines Cullen spoke are from Jim Morrison's poem "Lament for the Death of My Cock" from 'The American Night'


	6. Chapter 5 F you, I love you

_Chapter 5_

"I'm still the first person to say "fuck you"

but I'm faster to say "I love you."

-Nikki Sixx, Introduction, The Heroin Diaries

As I undressed, my phone double vibrated, letting me know I had a text message. With my jeans in hand, I dug into the left pocket and palmed my phone. The little screen on my LG En-V was on, so I flipped the side up and pressed, "Read." It was from Carlisle.

"_Aro sent Persian and China White. Jane is gone. Aro said he'll do something with her. She is no longer a bother to any of us. Enjoy your massage and try to be nice if you can muster it up."_

I smirked and flipped my phone back down. Once I was done undressing all the way, I laid my clothes on the small table. Bella will have to get comfortable with me being nude

I looked down at my cock, which was flaccid and looked small, but it wasn't. It was a grower. It always surprised girls whenever they slipped their hands down my pants and felt the small length. Then they looked shocked when they felt it grow its full size: nine inches in length and three inches in girth. I was blessed in the cock department.

I pulled back the beige blanket and white sheets and slid in under them. I laid my head down on my crossed arms for support, waiting for Bella to come back in. The sheets felt like heaven and were some of the softest I'd ever felt. I wondered what count they were. I was half way asleep when I heard a soft knock on the door to alert me that she was back. Once Bella was back in the room, she walked over to what looked like a pillowcase and brought it over to the face cradle of the massage table. She draped it over the cushion and tucked it around the inside curve where my face was going to lay. I moved up and lightly placed my face on the cushion, instantly wanting to fall asleep.

She lit a tea light that was nestled in a candleholder on the little table in the corner that I had missed and then flipped the light switch off, automatically giving the room a warm glow from the candle. From somewhere in the room, ethereal music filled my ears that drew me further into wanting to fall asleep. I felt light pressure at the base of my neck and lower back as Bella was grounding herself, taking in some deep breaths and exhaling them, while asking me to do the same. Once that was done, she pulled the blanket and sheets back to almost the top of my ass crack, as her soft little hands never left my body.

Her touch was soft yet very firm as her hands glided down my back. She applied a little pressure on my lower back, before coming back up to slide around the width of my shoulders, rounding the front of them, and then coming up to my neck, as she applied pressure as the base of my skull. The shit felt amazing. My muscles were sighing with relief as the tension that I didn't know I held was released.

She made several strokes up and down my back and did some kneading to warm up my muscles. I hated the fact that I wasn't as built as I was six months ago because I have lost twenty pounds. There was still muscle, just not as much as I would like; but I loved Smack just a little bit more. I knew once this massage was over I would need another hit.

Bella's pressure started to increase, getting in deeper along the spine of my scapula and the muscles that attached from my scapula to my spine. It felt like the knots were glued to the bone and it was somewhat uncomfortable. She kept telling me to take deep breathes as holding my breath would make it worse by making the muscles tighter. She stroked from the top of my scapula to the side of my neck. Damn, I did not know I was this fucked up. She was chastising me for being dehydrated, and I most likely was.

I heard her shaking something hot beside me. I felt the heat roll off whatever it was. She placed what felt like a warm towel on my back and started kneading the towel all along my back, like a cat kneading its paws. The shit felt like heaven. Then it suddenly got cold as she pulled the towel away from me.

"I put the towel on you to apply more heat to the muscles to make them more pliable and to see if there are any more knots I need to work on," she whispered to me. I sighed and slightly nodded my head in understanding.

It felt like she worked on my back forever and the firm pressure wasn't as uncomfortable as it had been before she placed that hot towel on me. I was in a restful state at that point; she was done with my back and moved onto my leg and hip area. Her little hands were doing wonders and she didn't seem skittish over my complete nudity as she worked the tightness in my upper hip area.

She kept everything covered, but I kept squirming around every so often, trying to get my erection in a comfortable place. I knew her touch was going to do that to me, even though I knew her touch wasn't sexual. But it was her scent. The vanilla frosting scent seemed to have accumulated in the small room and was urging my hard on.

I was almost half-asleep, when I felt her arrange the sheets so that half of my body was exposed and somewhat cold. Her hand made a pumping sound on the bottle that stored the massage oil. Within seconds of getting more oil, her hands were back on my calves, slowly working their way up to the top of my shoulders and neck, applying long strokes upon my naked flesh and switching from her hands to her elbows and back again.

She did this several times on my right side before moving to my left. It was then that she noticed my squirming from having to adjust my cock. I felt her hands hesitate and her breath catch. When she finally let it out, it was ragged, like she was getting worked up.

A smile crept up on my lips, as my hearing didn't deceive me. My exposed left hand slowly moved until it bumped up against her thigh. Slowly and carefully, I ran my thumb up and down her leg as far as my thumb would go. Her breath hitched again, causing a small, almost silent gasp to escape from her lips. It didn't take her long to notice her lapse in judgment and she went back to acting as if nothing happened, by giving the oil bottle another pump and mimicking what she had done on my right side.

Nothing I just did was extreme. My actions were so innocent that it surprised me. Bella took one last, long stroke with her elbow from my back down to my left calf, and then shook my left leg all the way up before she covered me. As she was walking around to where my head was, I started feeling jitters in my right hand. I might have to end the massage sooner than I wanted.

Bella bent down to my ear to ask me to turn over and move down until my head was on the table. Surprisingly, it was somewhat difficult to do, as my head was in a fog. Once I was on my back, my head lolled to the left and I went back into my haze of sleepy awareness. Through my haze, I felt her move the cushion that had been supporting my feet when I was lying prone to up under my knees.

My head felt like it was swimming and then floating. It was like I was high without taking anything. It was absolute ecstasy. I had found a new joy in life and didn't want to share it with anyone else.

Something warm soothed my feet and then my hands, pulling me deeper into the haze. It felt like mittens and booties, but heated. I was fine lying here like this; Bella didn't even need to touch me.

There was a little shuffling above my head as she placed her hands on the upper part of my chest. Her face was just above mine. That scent of vanilla frosting smothered me, making my dick harder than what it had been. Bella gasped. I knew she saw the tent I made out of the covers. A small smile played upon my lips. It was odd how I was in this haze, but was still aware of my surroundings, like Bella's warm breath, which smelled of mint as it rolled across my face.

"You smell amazing, like cake frosting," I mumbled. I saw the corners of her mouth turn up as mine did. As she was working on my neck by curling her fingers over and over, I softly rubbed the inside of her wrist with my nose. She either didn't mind or was acting like she didn't notice it. I was going to have to take my time with her.

* * *

Perfection. That is what I had in my hands. My composure had almost faltered several times during this session with Cullen. Carnal lust was overcoming me. My brain and my vagina were partnered up, but my heart was shutting its door, locking it up, pulling down the shades, and turning off every light it had on. Self- preservation was going to be my only saving grace, and I didn't have much of it. The soft strokes on my leg with his thumb and the soft caress of my wrist with the tip of his nose, I found to be oddly erotic.

However, I put myself back into my professional state of mind quickly and silently told myself what I had noticed. His poor body was a wreck with bruises spattered in various places and severely dehydrated. His muscles were as if several ropes tied together and bunched up. It was going to take several sessions to start noticing any significant improvement.

The way his head was lolling around had me confused. Was it from the massage or did he lie to me about taking any kind of drugs prior to the massage? If it were any narcotic, it would remain in his body for days and since massage speeds up the body's blood flow, he could wind up leaving our session feeling higher than what he possibly already was.

I had little experience with people who did drugs, so I was going to have to start paying attention. I did not want to chance harming anyone.

His groans grew louder as I started massaging his scalp, working my fingers through the wayward, super sex hair. His beautiful, full lips were lightly pulled back as low animalistic groans rumbled out. I was trying not to let my eyes wander down to the raised area of the blanket. The damn thing was massive for a dick, almost like a baby's arm at full salute. It could almost classify as a weapon as my mind wandered to the thought that it could pull its trigger in me. I coughed at the idea, making him quirk his right brow in question.

"You okay, Bella?" he mumbled.

"Yes. My throat is a little dry."

He smirked and grumbled so low I could barely make out what he said.

"I think I can fix that."

I closed my eyes and ignored that statement.

I moved from his head area and made my way down to his arms and upper chest. Every muscle on his body was beautifully carved and smooth, like alabaster. My breathing was accelerated and no matter how hard I tried to get myself under control, it was slowly starting to slip. His lips were moving but no sound was coming out.

A small part of me wanted to know what he was silently speaking. As if he read my mind, he spoke words that sounded like poetry.

"Ah! light lovely lady with delicate lips aglow, With breast more white than a branch heavy-laden with snow, When my hand was uplifted at Mass to salute the Host, I looked at you once, and the half of my soul was lost."

It was beautiful, but I didn't know if he was speaking to me or just thinking aloud, so I didn't say anything. He noticed my silence and looked at me through half closed eyes as I massaged his left thigh. I tried very hard not to look at the colossal lift in the covers that was right above my hands.

"That was Irish poetry that I just rambled. Robin Flower's "At Mass". Do you like poetry, Bella?" he softly asked me. I cleared my throat and kept my eyes on my hands as I answered.

"Yes, I do. That poem sounds familiar, as if I've read it before in a poetry book that I have. You don't seem like the kind who would be into poetry."

"Why do you say that? I do write songs about love, you know."

"I guess I'm stereotyping. It's rude of me to do so. Please excuse me."

"There's a lot about me you don't know," he grumbled.

I pulled the foot booties off his feet as I sat down on my cushioned stool to massage his feet. I bit my bottom lip to keep from laughing when I noticed his feet were neat from a fresh pedicure. It shouldn't have surprised me, but it did. When I looked down at my side, I saw my bottle of massage oil. I did not like using oil on feet, so I got up and went to get my peppermint foot lotion.

It felt like as I turned my back on Cullen, he had fixed his eyes on my ass, but when I turned around his eyes were closed. Weird.

Cullen let out breathy moans as I slid my thumb up the arch of his left foot. There had been crystals in some spots on his feet, which indicated problem areas. I wasn't going to explain that to him as most people found reflexology confusing. It was embarrassing that his feet were perfect and mine looked abused as they were dry, my heels were cracked, and my toes were sans polish, even clear.

It didn't take me long to massage his feet, so I covered them, went around his body doing compression movements, and ended with a final scalp massage. From his steady and low breathing, I knew he was sleeping. His erection had subsided, but I could still see the outline of his cock. I had no idea how he was able to fit that monstrous attachment of his inside of a girl. For some bizarre curiosity, I wondered if it could fit inside of me. I mean women had babies vaginally, so it must stretch to accommodate large dicks.

It might be uncomfortable at first, but once he got moving and the vaginal walls were slick with the secretions, it must feel like heaven. My eyes couldn't stop staring and my mind wouldn't quit wondering. A noise from below startled me. I gasped when I looked down and saw Cullen staring at me with sleepy eyes and a crooked smile playing upon his lips.

"See something you like?" he asked me.

"I was just remembering how nice your feet were. Do you get pedicures?" I stammered.

"Sure you were thinking about my feet and yes, I do get pedicures," he teased, as he stretched his arms above his head. "That was, I must say, the best massage I've ever had. I feel as if I've snorted ten lines of Snow."

"Snow makes you feel high?" I asked like an idiot.

Cullen snorted and just shook his head at me.

"Well, Cullen, I'm going to step out so you can get dressed and will bring back some water. You have to keep yourself properly hydrated to flush out the toxins that I released."

I rubbed my wrists and looked around awkwardly before stepping out of the room.

There was no problem with getting bottled water. There was a refrigerator on the bus filled with them, along with a twelve pack of canned Mountain Dews and several types of beer. I was definitely going to hit up a few of the Heinekens once my shift was over. When I turned around, I saw several little plastic baggies filled with what looked like sugar or salt lying on the table in the lounge. I thought that was an odd way to store sugar, but I shrugged my shoulders and didn't bother to question anything.

Cullen was sitting up on my table with only his jeans on and a sleepy look on his face. His body was swaying from side to side. It was almost as if he was drunk but I didn't smell any alcohol on his breath. That made me start to definitely suspect he hadn't told me everything, but I couldn't exactly accuse of him it until I had more proof. I gave him a tight smile and handed over the bottled water. He took it slowly out of my right hand and almost dropped it, as his grip wasn't tight enough.

"Cullen, are you doing okay?" I asked with a worried tone. He lifted his left brow at me and nodded his head.

I bent over to get more sheets from my bag when I felt his hand lightly stroke my ass. Definitely caught off guard, I gasped and grabbed the little table to stable my balance. His hand was slowly working up from my ass to underneath my shirt, his fingertips barely dusting the skin on my lower back. It was like another being possessed me, for I whimpered and my breath was caught in my throat. I heard the creaking of my table as he stood. I dropped the sheets back into my bag and slowly got back up, but I couldn't face him.

His hand slowly moved around to my abdomen, splaying his fingers across my stomach, and pulled me back until I was touching him. His left hand crept around my left shoulder, and snaked its way across my chest until it rested upon my right shoulder. I panted…as his nose moved the hair from my neck. He inched closer so his lips could brush their way down to my collarbone and then trailed back up with light, chaste kisses.

"You are intoxicating with your vanilla frosting scent. It almost makes me want to have you mark me with your scent…branding me as yours. But there's not enough want on my end for that to happen. Thank you for the wonderful massage, Bella, he whispered in my ear.

His hands lingered on my skin for a moment longer before they slowly pulled away from my body. I heard him pull his shirt back on and open the door, leaving me struggling to catch my breath. I told myself he was just toying with me, as I was new, and that there wasn't any possibility of there being anything real.

After Cullen, I only massaged two other people for thirty minutes each-Jasper's girlfriend, Alice, who just wanted her feet massaged and Emmett, who just wanted his upper body massaged. When five o'clock came around, John came by to help me pack up my supplies. We didn't talk much, as John was somewhat of a quiet man, so we packed everything up in comfortable silence. He told me to go on ahead to the bus to relax and that he would finish up. I thanked him, walked out of the room, and went out the back door of the club.

There was a ruckus coming from the bus and it startled me. What was I walking in on? Did I even want to know? I took a deep breath and blew it out before stepping on. Everyone seemed to be in the back lounge. There was loud music bellowing down the hall mingled with loud bursts of laughter and the sounds of hands meeting in the air to give high-fives. I hadn't brought any other clothes to change into after work and regretted that decision. I felt out of place.

I sat down on the couch, hunched over with my elbows resting on the top of my knees. Fear pierced through me and I started shaking. How was I supposed to act around Cullen? At the mere thought of him, my throat felt as if it was closing up. I opened my mouth to try and get air out, but nothing was going passed my larynx. My hands were suddenly gripping the cushions, making my knuckles turn white as if the bones wanted to tear through my skin. Perspiration was starting to form a film over my skin, quickly working its way into becoming beads of sweat.

I wanted to run from that spot, but I was locked in place. My muscles were starting to shake from being held in the same position for so long. Nausea was crawling slowly up from my stomach and I was feeling lightheaded, as if I was going to pass out at any moment. Out of nowhere, it felt as if ice was being rubbed on my face and I didn't want it to end. It was a small relief in an abyss of agony. It seemed as if someone was looking into my eyes, but mine were transfixed on nothing, and I couldn't move them to meet the other pair. Something high pitched shrieked through the fog that covered my mind, as if trying to break through.

Warm and firm hands were holding my face, jostling my head and trying to get me to focus on them. The hands moved to my arms, shaking me harder. When my eyes finally were able to focus and see who was assaulting me, they saw it was Cullen. My brain wanted to shut down further, but something colder than ice was rubbed on my face and neck, breaking me free of my struggle. Then my lungs started doing spasms to suck in air as much as they could. I then began to hyperventilate and heard someone whisper to me.

"Bella, please calm down. It's okay. You just need to take some slower breaths." The voice was calming. The person cuddled me into them as rocked me and stroked my hair.

My breathing was calming down to slow shudders and low whimpers. Someone offered me a cold bottle of water and I absent mindedly took it. The cold liquid felt like aloe on sunburned skin. I started to breathe more regularly when Carlisle squatted down in front me and patted my leg.

"Bella, what happened?" he softly asked. I closed my eyes and shook my head.

"I don't know, honestly. It felt like I had a panic attack. But I don't know why." My brain told me why, and I refused to look up at his face, as I knew it would be heavy with concern.

"Hey Bella, would you like a beer? Maybe that will help ease things," Emmett asked. I looked up at him and gave him a smile.

"Cool, which one would you like?"

"Heineken." He gave me thumbs up and walked back to the lounge.

I turned around to see who was holding me and saw the little pixie girl, Alice. She was still stroking my hair and lightly rocking me side to side. I closed my eyes to settle my nerves and opened them to find Cullen staring at me.

"You're going to be okay, right? You don't need a Xanax or any shit like that, do you?" he nervously asked me.

"No, Cullen, I'm fine. I think a beer will do. I've just had a very….too much excitement is all," I calmly told him.

Emmett came back with my beer and handed it to me. I took a long pull on it after I got it opened. Alice finally sat me back up, but didn't leave my side, while Cullen was still sitting on his knees in front me with his hands on my thighs. Everyone else, Rosie, Jasper, and Jake were quietly standing behind the others. Carlisle looked at me with concern.

"Would you like to join us in the back while the boys play Guitar Hero?" he evenly asked.

"Yes, I would. Thank you."

Alice stood up and extended her left hand, waiting for me to take it. I looked down at Cullen who narrowed his eyes at her. Alice just smirked and settled her eyes back on me. I took her hand and she pulled me up, astonishing me with her strength.

"Come, Bella. Let's get you back there to relax and have some fun."

We started down the hall to the lounge, but as I walked with Alice, I looked back to see Cullen sitting in the floor with his back resting on the couch, while his arms were stretched out along the cushions as his head hung back with his eyes closed, as if deep in thought. I drew a small tight smile and looked back towards the lounge. I could have sworn I heard him grumble a "fuck you" as I walked away.


	7. Chapter 6 Love Affairs & True Love

**A/N: I want to thank my awesome betas adt216 and redsoc. Things in this story are not going to be pretty....Cullen has been a very good boy so far around her....don't worry, it won't last long.**

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* * *

Chapter 6_

"_But alcohol, acid, cocaine…they were just love affairs. When I met heroin, it was true love."_

_-Nikki Sixx, The Heroin Diaries_

For the amount of coke that I snorted up my nose tonight, my sinuses should be draining like a busted sewer pipe, spewing shit. But no, there was nothing. I wanted Golden Girl, but I don't do her in front of anyone. Now that Jane is gone, I'm back to having my girl to myself. If I did her on the bus, I waited until everyone was asleep and then I would unleash her. She slowly ravages my body when I let her in my veins. Moreover, the way she wraps herself around my body is more blissful than an orgasm from not fucking in several weeks. I was going to do this shit right tonight. Jane didn't leave any cotton, but I didn't care. Golden Girl was going to get proper treatment tonight.

By the time we arrived back to the hotel after our show, the place resembled a ghost town. There were no screaming girls with their tits or asses hanging out, no punks trying to start a fight because "the pretty singer looks like a faggot," nor were there any cops trying to bust up fights amongst drunken assholes. We were all fucking tired and most were dragging their asses, trying to gather enough energy to make it up to their rooms. I was the exception. I was starting to come down from my high, but still felt like I had energy.

I was in front of the group and the first to reach the elevators. My father was talking on the phone to Esme and had veered over to a cluster of chairs and loveseats to carry on their conversation. Bella stood with her arms crossed over her stomach by a column looking down at her shoes. She was farther back from the group, almost separate from the rest of us.

I released a sigh and turned my head back to the numbers to see where the elevator was. It still had four more floors to go. My fingers were busy speed tapping against my jeans, being the impatient motherfucker that I was. The elevator chimed upon its arrival and I darted in, while giving everyone the evil eye at their slow pace. Bella was bringing up the end of the train and still wasn't looking at anyone. That shit was weird. She had fun on the bus after her odd panic attack. Emmett tried to teach her how to play Guitar Hero, but she couldn't get her fingers coordinated enough to press the colored buttons when the notes came up. She got frustrated and gave up, mumbling she had always lacked hand-eye dexterity. Hell, she even drank her share of the Heinekens. Now, she looked like someone had kicked her dog or some shit. It baffled me, but I would worry about it later. Why did I even fucking care?

We were all on the second floor. Bella broke off from the group, as hers was the first room; mine was two doors down. She didn't say a word to anyone, and everyone looked over their shoulders at her with a quizzical expression and then shrugged their shoulders. I said my good nights to everyone as I slid the key card and walked into my room. The bed was freshly made and new towels were stocked in the bathroom. However, my shit was strewn all over the damn place. There on the nightstand lay all, of the materials I needed, except cotton, which I had in one of my bags.

I unzipped a backpack and opened up the bag of rolled cotton, breaking off a piece. Next to the cotton was a box of alcohol wipes and I took one of them out. My hands patted my right front pocket, making sure I still had Golden Girl. Everything was in order. I walked over to the bed, untied my Docs, and placed the cotton and alcohol pad on the bed.

I pulled the baggy out of my pocket and placed it next to the diffuser. I reached for an unopened syringe that lay beside the lamp. I ripped it open and pulled out the syringe, taking the cap off. After I walked to the bathroom, I filled the syringe up with water, and squirted the water in the diffuser. I opened the baggy and took out two Tic-Tac candy sized pieces of smack.

Once the Golden Girl was in with the water, I mixed it together with a spoon, and relit the candle with my lighter. I waited several seconds for it to cook before I blew out the candle. After fumbling with the cotton, I finally pulled apart a piece the size of a normal cotton ball and placed it in the concoction. It puffed up like a sponge.

I stuck the tip of the needle in the center of cotton and slowly started pulling back and filling the syringe until the cotton was mostly an off-white color. I smiled at how beautiful she looked.

I tied the tourniquet above my right elbow and pumped my fist. As I watched with fascination as several veins swelled up; I wanted the one that nested just to the left of the crook. I tore open the alcohol wipe with my teeth, pulled it out, and rubbed the plump vein.

My left hand reached for the syringe and placed it along the length of the vein. I pulled back a bit on the plunger and saw a trace of blood. Gently, I pushed the plunger down until every drop disappeared. Within moments, it felt like a tsunami of endorphins. I felt like a lit up Christmas tree with a disconnected feeling from my body. It was almost like getting laughing gas. I pulled the needle out and laid it on the nightstand.

The comforter felt like velvet, as if I was floating on a cloud. I rolled my head down, untied around my arm, and threw it on the floor. My mind and body were numb. Somehow, I got my body to move and everything seemed to float. I walked over to the window and parted the curtains. A face that looked to be beautiful glared back at me. It looked familiar but I couldn't place it. However, it smiled when I smiled and touched its finger to the window when I did, leaving a glowing print.

My forehead was planted against the glass, staring at the glowing imprint of the face. A dull, thumping noise danced its way across the room, causing my head to nod to its rhythm. The beat danced around in my head, my fingers drummed out the pattern on the glass. My mind wandered to earlier that evening after Alice pulled Bella back to the lounge.

Alice had to be the one to comfort her. I was trying my best, but once again, my best is never good enough. The little girl looked like a lost fawn in the woods, searching for its mother. As she looked into my eyes, she seemed to panic more. At the sound of my voice, she pulled closer into Alice. After she calmed down as much as she could, she left with Alice. That little pixie bitch sometimes aggravated the fuck out of me. I sat in the floor at the front of bus with my head in my hands beating myself up mentally, for making the situation worse after her panic attack. Bella was a sweet girl, far too sweet for the likes of me.

After she was back there, her laughter broke through my dark memories. Her laugh sounded somewhat like that red puppet from Sesame Street, Elmo. It didn't match her voice, which was odd. I had smirked and got up, so I could join the others. Bella was sitting next to Emmett who was beating the shit out of Jake at Guitar Hero. Jake was knocking back beers left and right, but that fucker had been able to beat the fuck out of the drums at the show.

An emotion that I didn't expect to feel blazed its way through my body when Jacob looked over at Bella and asked how his dad was doing; I didn't know how to feel. He knew her somewhat more than the rest of us did. I swore my eyes were red as that was the only color I saw and I would have bled green if someone had cut me; but I kept my thoughts to myself.

Bella stayed on the bus during our show, claiming she still wasn't feeling well. I tried to sit next to her and make small talk, but she would only draw her legs up further into her chest and nod her head. Finally, I just gave up and left the bus to get ready for the show with a pocket full of blow.

The thumping hadn't let up and had gotten louder. I started fumbling around my room trying to find where it was coming from. My body was still flying high and I was falling over shit. When I made my way closer to the door, I realized the thumping sound was someone knocking on my door. I slammed myself into the small portion of wall that was next to the door and slowly opened it, just in case it was some groupies. My eyes froze when I saw it was Bella looking at me with furrowed brows.

"Is everything okay, Bella?" I tried to say with clarity.

"Yes, Cullen. I walked down to talk with you about earlier tonight. Can I come in?" she softly asked. I opened the door wider, giving her barely any room to enter, so she would have to graze her body against mine.

I closed the door behind her, leaving us in muted darkness, with only the light coming from outside the window. Bella stood in the same spot that she went to when she walked in. I saw her eyes shifting over to try to look at me. I knew she was uncomfortable, and some sick part of my mind enjoyed it. But the better part of me finally walked over to the lamp beside the television and turned it on. My eyes instantly slammed shut at the brightness, making my left hand cover them.

"Thank you," Bella whispered.

I sighed and removed my hand from my eyes. She was looking at me, straight on. There was no lowering her head or casting her eyes elsewhere. I gave a small, crooked smile and ran my left hand through my wayward hair.

"So what did you want to talk about? Here, take a seat," I said as I motioned to the armchair. She moved with caution but relaxed as she sat down. Her elbows rested on top of her knees as her hands were loosely clasped together while she looked deep in thought. She looked up at me with a soft expression and a smile playing upon her lips.

"I wanted to apologize for my behavior earlier tonight. I behaved like a sullen child. You were worried about me and I brushed you off. I'm just a bit overwhelmed with everything…especially you," she said as she dropped her eyes.

My brain was trying to catch up and it took me several seconds to understand her words.

Bella stood up and walked over to the window, keeping her back to me. Her hair was out of its ponytail and hung half way down her back. It was as if a sheet of silken, rich chocolate draped down her back. Her willowy body was leaning against the glass, as she appeared to be worlds away. Her eyes held a distant gaze as I watched her reflection. Earlier, I had made my way over to the sofa when she sat down in the chair, but now I struggled to get to a standing position so I could walk over to her.

I made gradual movements so I wouldn't startle her as I leaned against the window opposite her. All of my senses drifted in a haze, yet I was able to focus on her: like how her skin looked as if someone poured sweet cream over her bones, how I wondered if her lips were as soft as the cotton candy they resembled the color of, and how she got to smell like vanilla frosting. Her scent smothered my sense of smell and I wanted to bury my nose in her hair. The words that fell from my mouth, I meant with all the force I put behind them.

"Bella, you don't owe me anything. We don't owe each other anything. We are what we are, nothing more…nothing less," I said through clenched teeth.

Her eyes darted over to me, full of surprise.

"What do you mean, Cullen? What are we, exactly?"

"I mean…we are just us, Cullen and Bella. There are no labels. So what we do right now, should mean little to us."

She moved closer to me, closing in what little space there was separating us. Her hand reached up to my face and lightly touched my forehead, moving a stray hair back into place. I closed my eyes and inhaled, letting the vanilla drench every nerve in my body.

"I want to know you more," Bella gently whispered. My eyes closed and my body shuddered.

I laid my head against the glass of the window and found it to be cold. Her head rested on my chest.

"Bella…" I whispered as I moved my head from the glass. I met her hand, and raised it to my mouth, placing a gentle kiss on her tiny fingers.

My left hand moved down to her waist. I encircled her with my arm and pulled her to me, gently. She rested her head back on my chest as I cradled her against me tighter. She felt good pressed against me.

My breathing became ragged and she gazed up at me with a questioning look. I moved my right hand to underneath her hair as my thumb rested on her jaw and brought her face to my lips.

"You shouldn't want to know me, Bella."

Impatience hit me like a fucking steamroller, making me crush my mouth against hers. I brought my hands into her hair and pulled it back as I laced my fingers together. Her little arms wrapped around my neck, deepening the kiss. I panted for air in between kisses, making each kiss more urgent than the next. She was still dressed in her clothes from earlier, so I moved my left hand down her back and pulled the white cotton shirt tucked inside her khaki shorts. I groan as my hand skimmed over the creaminess of her skin.

Her hands lightly pulled my hair in the back as she tried to stand on her tiptoes so she could have more advantage. My left hand closed its way around her waist and picked her up, turning us so her back was against the wall next to the window. She wrapped her legs around me and relaxed into me. My hands were everywhere- up her back, in her hair, on her face, down her legs, and on her face. She was grinding her hips into mine, causing me to breathe out a ragged breath while her lips trailed down my neck and back up before returning to my mouth.

Once she noticed my dick was hard, she began grinding harder into me, so I pulled us apart. I gently placed her back down on the ground and stumbled over to the bed. I leaned down at the foot of it, with my back facing her, and stretched out my arms as I tried to catch my breath. I lowered my head and looked at Bella from underneath my left arm. She sat on the floor with her head against the wall with her knees pulled to her chest. A look of bewilderment washed across her face.

"Bella, I'm sorry. I'm really fucked up right now. You're technically working for us and we just met. Jesus. What could have happened…could have fucked up everything. I'm not saying we're never going to fuck, but not right now. I would have regretted everything, and that is something that I do not want to feel. So, I need you to leave my room and go back to your own, please."

"Cullen, I just wanted to talk. It was I who got carried away. I think I've had too much to drink tonight and I would have been ashamed with myself in the morning if anything had happened. I really do not know much about you and I was ready to fuck you anyway. Thank you, for stopping a catastrophe."

We both met in the middle of the room and wrapped each other in a hug. I buried my nose in her hair and inhaled; I couldn't help myself. Bella pulled away some and reached up to place a soft, chaste kiss on my lips. I looked into her eyes and smiled. I leaned forward and affectionately kissed her forehead. We said good night and I watched as she walked two doors down to the room she shared with my father. I closed the door to my room after I saw her enter and went to crash on my bed.

* * *

We had a few days off after the show in Portland. The only thing that was keeping me intact was doing coke here and there. I shot up after everyone went to sleep or well occupied with other shit. And I made damn sure Bella didn't see me. Over the few days that we had off, she had seen everyone snorting coke and never questioned any of us. Although, she did raise an eyebrow at Alice after she saw her snort a few lines.

Even though Bella didn't touch any of the drugs, the girl threw back some beers. She hung with the rest of us. She even started fighting over wanting to play Guitar Hero. She had gotten very good at playing it and was now on the medium level. Bella and I made small talk but we were never alone to have a one on one conversation. At least she didn't ignore me after the near disaster in Portland. However, it was during the last night of our off days that I started to think that some things weren't entirely impossible.

Bella had been on her Facebook page for most of the evening while sitting in the front of the bus so she could be alone. At certain points, she would burst out with laughter and start holding her sides from laughing so hard. It made me smile that she was finally starting to relax and enjoy herself. The rest of us were back in the lounge relaxing and watching some shit on the History channel. It was a kick back kind of night and we all needed it.

Carlisle was doing some shit on his laptop when he looked over at me and smirked. I raised my right brow in question.

"You keep looking down the hall at the front of the bus. If you're itching to talk to her, I'm sure she wouldn't mind if you interrupted her," he said as he typed a response to an IM.

"Who are you IMing with?"

"Esme. She's telling me about what's going on in Forks. She says Bella's father keeps coming into the flower shop, asking how Bella's doing. One of us needs to remind her that she can't go for days without calling Charlie, or things could get ugly, fast."

I nodded my head while rubbing my index finger on my chin. I took a swig of my Corona and got up from my comfortable spot. Before heading to the front, I opened up the refrigerator, snagged a Heineken, and grabbed myself another Corona.

Bella was sitting up against the arm of the couch with her legs stretched out while her laptop sat on the top of her thighs. She was wearing a white wife beater with black yoga pants and bare feet. Her little polished toes were a pretty pink she called "Strawberry Fields"; Alice, Rose and her had a girly night. There was music tinkling out of her headphones as her head nodded to the beat. I sat down at the end of the couch, trying not to startle her. Her eyes popped up at me as she felt my weight on the couch. A little smile played on her lips as she took the beer from my hand and twisted off the cap. She pulled the headphones off and paused the music.

"Thanks for the beer. What is everyone doing back there?"

"No problem. They're watching some shit on the History channel about Stonehenge. Oh, before I forget, you need to call your father. He keeps going into Esme's flower shop asking how you're doing. It's not good if you go days without calling him. Things could…well…get very ugly for all of us. So please, call your father in the morning." She took a swill of her beer and nodded in agreement.

"I've been meaning to do that. I'm sure he's going to rip me a new one when I do call him."

"So what are you listening to over there?" I said as I pointed to her laptop.

"Oh, it's Shinedown's CD "Us and Them."

"Nice. They're a cool band. They are also really nice guys. We opened for them a few times." Her eyes got big when I mentioned that.

"That's cool. They are one of my favorite bands."

"What are your other favorite bands? What kind of music are you into?" I asked before I sipped my beer.

"Well Shinedown, Theory of a Deadman, Motley Crue, HIM, The 69 Eyes, Nine Inch Nails, Marilyn Manson, Kings of Leon, Led Zeppelin, The Doors, Guns N' Roses, no grunge. I like different kinds of music, but mainly rock music."

I sat there staring at her with a bit of shock on my face. My beer stopped half way to my mouth. Those bands were not what I expected her to say. In all fairness, I didn't know what to expect from her. We sat in silence for a few minutes, nothing uncomfortable. She typed in another message on whatever she was doing.

"So what are you doing on the Internet?"

"I'm on Facebook and responding to my friend Jessica. She's making dirty statements and asking me dirty things." My curiosity was peaked.

"What dirty things is she saying and asking?"

"She's asking if the cobwebs have been dusted out of my crotch area yet and if I've seen you naked yet."

"Have you told her yes to seeing me naked? And the cobwebs….well, that can be your doing." I said as I looked at her from over the laptop.

She was trying to hide a smile but it wouldn't fade completely.

"I haven't told her anything because that would be breaking client privacy. She says I need to buy BOB. As if I could get away with having one of those around here. Everyone would hear the buzzing."

"Well, you could wait until you were by yourself. Or you could buy vibrating panties and wear them while we're performing so when you orgasm the crowd will just think you're going crazy over us." I joked with a crooked smile.

"That's actually not a bad idea. But I've never shopped for anything like that before, so I wouldn't know where to start."

"I can take you shopping for sex gadgets, if you would feel comfortable with it?"

"I'll think about that."

A smile I couldn't keep from breaking through crept upon my face. Bella went back to responding to her friend. Loud footsteps barged down the hall and I looked over my shoulder to see Emmett walking towards us with a shit-eating grin on his face.

"What the fuck are you up to?" I asked. Emmett pulled a joint out from behind his back and winked at me.

"Hey chickie, have you ever tried pot before?"

Bella looked up at Emmett with a puzzled expression on her face and shook her head yes.

"I did a bit of it in high school. Nothing major though."

"Oh, oh…look at the police chief's daughter being all bad ass."

Bella reached out her hand to Emmett.

"Give me that damn thing and shut up. Do you have a lighter?" she said with annoyance. She looked at me and raised the joint at me, offering me to join in. I nodded my head.

Emmett dug a lighter out from his pocket and gave it to her. Bella held the joint between her lips, thumb, and index finger of her left hand as she struck the lighter with her right. Once Bella lit the end, she took a long drag and held it in her lungs before letting the smoke slowly out. She passed it my way as I took two drags off it before handing it back to Emmett, who took one long drag. Bella took a swig of her beer and leaned her head back with her eyes closed.

"This is the first time in months that I have truly felt relaxed," she sighed.

Emmett tapped on her arm and she leaned over to take the joint from him. She tipped her head back on the arm of the couch, took another long drag, and held out her hand for me to take it from her. A distant ping broke the silence and Bella moved her head back down to look at the computer screen with her brows knitted together.

"I see my father has email. I guess I better get this over with now rather than later," she grumbled.

Emmett and I finished the joint as Bella passed on the rest of it, so she could email her father back. I was glad she was getting that shit done now. Her mouth was set in a firm line as she scrunched up her brows.

"Chickie, don't concentrate so hard. You're spoiling my buzz," Emmett dragged out.

"My father is being a pain in the ass. He wants to call me but I keep telling him that I'm fine and he needs to go to bed," she complained.

She finally sighed and looked relieved. I guess Chief Swan gave in to his daughter's demands.

"He's such a total buzz kill," she sighed as she finished off her beer. I reached out for the bottle, but Emmett grabbed it and said he would get another one for her.

"Hey Bella, I'm glad the other night didn't make this awkward between us. I don't want you to think I don't find you pretty because that couldn't be further from the truth. I was just extremely fucked up." She stopped me by putting up her right hand.

"Cullen, it's okay. Whatever happens, will happen, but if I ever get any signal to press for more, I will take it."

I didn't exactly know how to respond, but something felt different. It almost made me twitchy.

Emmett came back with another Heineken for Bella and said he was off to bed, as was everyone else. That left Bella and me with each other's company, and I wondered if she'd like to play a game with me. I told her I would be back, that I had to retrieve my laptop. When I came back, I logged on and saw I had a shit load of emails, but none was of extreme importance.

"Hey Bella, would you like to play online Scrabble with me on ?"

"Sure. Just let me sign in over there." It took a few minutes for us to get everything organized before she asked me what room to go in. I told her it was room one hundred as I had already set up the table.

"What is your name?"

"Healz_with_handz."

I smirked as I saw the name and sent her an invitation to join my table.

"Hey, can you unplug your earphones, so we can hear Shinedown while we play? Just turn it down so we don't wake anyone up." I asked nicely.

"Sure. Just to let you know…I'm pretty good at playing Scrabble?" she teased.

"We'll see. I'm not half bad myself," I mocked.

I got to go first, spelled out "suction" on my first play, and earned the fifty bonus points. Bella eyed me and shot me her middle finger. My dick noticed and twitched with attention.

"Bella, please don't make that hand gesture. I may have to go back on my word."

Her little white bra strap peaked out from behind the top of her wife beater and I noticed it had some lace with a scallop edge to it. How could seeing something as innocent as a slip of bra strap make my dick harder? I looked down at our feet and realized they had moved in between each other. I didn't notice that had happened.

When Bella spelled out "teats," I knew where this game was headed. She was trying to make it sexually oriented. My next play was "calmer," trying to get this game out of the gutter. Bella raised her eyes at me and stuck her tongue out. In the chat box on the side, she typed, "Cock blocker." I smirked and stroked the side of her left foot with my big toe. After she played "mitten," she typed in the chat box, "I want to kiss you again." Her left foot started moving as she stretched out again and she rested her foot on my lap, next to my very hard dick.

"Bella, please watch what you're doing," I seethed through my teeth. A playful smile crawled upon her lips

"Would it be so bad if I just placed a simple kiss on your cheek?" she asked as she licked her lips.

I paused the game and leaned across. She came over, brushed her lips on my cheek, and pressed lightly, then rubbed the tip of her nose on the spot she had kissed. Her lips then drifted lower to place a kiss on my jaw. Bella slid back to her side of the couch after she kissed my jaw, leaving me flustered.

I sighed and turned the game back on. It was my play and the only thing that jumped out at me was "noose." Bella quickly played "snap." And I played "neck." We both laughed at the word play and took sips of our beers. My right hand moved to her left foot that lay in my lap and started massaging it. She closed her eyes and groaned.

"That feels wonderful. Your hands are very good. Leaves me wondering what else those hands are good at."

"Bella…you're high and the beer is getting to you."

"Cullen, alcohol only enhances what is already there."

"Bella, do want our relationship to be nothing but sex or would you rather we build a friendship?" I asked.

"Can't we have both?"

"Bella, with all honesty, the friends with benefits shit normally gets ugly, and it gets ugly real quick. We are going to be around each other until Labor Day. I don't want to fuck things up when they are just getting started. I can be a really big asshole at times. There are aspects of my life that are highly fucked up, and I try to keep away from everyone as much as possible, even though they are aware of it. Some of them do it with me from time to time, and it's more potent than what we did tonight."

"Cullen, I know you're not a saint. I've heard stories. I just want to see if any of them are true."

"Like what?"

"I was told that once you have your eye set on a girl, that she has no chance of turning you down."

I laughed and played "lust" after she played "stroke."

"I don't know how to answer that. Its not like I go out and try to…I have no idea what I'm trying to say honestly." I paused and just said, "Let's just play everything by ear for the time being. Okay?"

"Okay. And I'm getting sleepy." She yawned as she started to close down her laptop.

"I'm sleepy too. We can finish our game later."

After we put away our computers, we were both laying on opposite ends of the couch with our arms over our eyes. Bella shifted around and looked over at me.

"Cullen, can I lay beside you? I'm cold but I'm too tired to go find anything to cover up with," she asked as she reached up and turned off the main light above the couch.

"Sure. Come here."

She crawled up to me and found a nook beside me where she fit after I turned on to my side facing her. I wrapped my arms around her shoulders and breathed in her vanilla scent.

"Bella, where do you get that vanilla scent from?" I mumbled.

"It's my shampoo and conditioner, Vanilla Plum by Back to Basics," she mumbled back. That night I dreamt of sugarplums, vanilla frosting, and smooth skin that I kissed endlessly.


	8. Chapter 7 Whole Lotta Love

**A/N: I've been asked if I'm a recovering heroin or drug addict. No, I've never done anything like that. The only drug I've done was marijuana and one time I had surgery and they gave me ketamin and when I came to, it was the best damn high I've ever had. But no, I've never done heroin or coke, but know or know of plenty of people who have.**

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* * *

Chapter 7_

"Baby, I've been yearnin', Way, way down inside honey, you need it,  
I'm gonna give you my love... I'm gonna give you my love"

-Whole Lotta Love, Led Zeppelin

We rolled into Phoenix this morning and I woke up with Bella snuggled next to me, making me breathe a heavy sigh. My left arm had lost its feeling entirely, and when I tried to move my fingers, it felt like a million goddamn needles were jabbing into the tips. Bella was lightly snoring, so little by little I started moving my arm out from under her.

When I could hook my arm from around her, I sat up on the edge of the couch and ran my hands through my hair, trying to put it in some sort of order. We had a show today at the Cricket Pavilion as one of the opening acts for Godsmack and Nickelback, and I realized I needed to sit down with the guys to make out the set list.

My father had told me that Bella was only going to work for about three hours this afternoon, and then she had the rest of the day off. I needed an hour out of those three. She was moving around behind me so I looked over my shoulder and saw she was only rolling over to get comfortable. I smirked, rubbed the heel of my hands in my eyes, and got up to make my way back to the lounge.

When I walked in, I saw Carlisle cutting lines. He looked up at me with a piece of plastic straw from a fast food cup and offered it to me. I nodded in response and he moved over to give me room next to him. The others were still sleeping either in their bunks or thrown over each other with legs and arms twisting every which way. My father gave me the first two lines and I passed the straw back to him as he did the last three. I could see I wasn't going to be able to inject as much as I wanted until after everyone passed out tonight, so blow would once again be my friend.

Carlisle cast me a sneer, as he looked me up and down. It was then I noticed a funk emanating from me. God, the last shower I had was at the hotel in Portland.

"I'm going to call a taxi and go over to a nearby hotel to shower and do whatever else needs to be done," I replied, as I stretched my arms out.

"I'll call the taxi for you. You need to round up your clothes and shit," Carlisle offered.

"Thanks, Dad." He patted my back and got his cell phone out to dial information for a cab company.

I went around asking the others if they wanted to go to the hotel with me to shower and was told to leave them alone and let them fucking sleep. I threw my hands in the air and didn't bother with it anymore. A smile crawled across my lips as I knew Bella would want to freshen up. She had been bathing like a homeless person- washing up in the bathroom sink-but it wasn't nearly the same as taking a shower. I had been wearing the same clothes now for several days.

As I started walking towards the hallway where the bunks were, a stench came wafting into the lounge. I held my breath because I heard Jake ripping fart after fart. That fucker needed to cut back on the beer and burgers. The whole back end of the bus was going to smell like ass for rest of the day. I hoped that it would stay back there. When I reached the front, Bella was sitting up stretching and I noticed her shirt had lifted up, showing a sliver of skin of her stomach. I closed my eyes and shivered.

Bella jumped from where she was sitting when she saw me leaning against the wall. She relaxed after she realized it was me and ran her left hand through her hair. I walked over and sat down next to her.

"Carlisle called for a taxi for me because I'm going to get a hotel room for a few hours to shower and clean up. Do you want to go with me so you can take a real shower too? I'm also going to do some laundry so that I can have some clean clothes," I offered.

"Sure. It would feel nice to have a hot shower; also getting some laundry done would be great, too."

"I'm going to go gather up my shit so when the taxi gets here we'll be ready to go."

Carlisle came walking down the hallway with his fingers plugging up his nose and talking with a nasal sound.

"The cab will be here in twenty minutes. Bella, you may want to hold your breath when you go down the hallway; Jake's stomach is messed up."

Bella laughed as she watched Carlisle turn back towards the lounge.

Our shit was sitting out by the bus door when the taxi pulled up. I motioned to Bella that it was here as she was slipping on her sandals. The driver got out and popped the trunk open for our bags. I had our bags in my hands, already walking towards the car, when the driver greeted me and offered to help. He took the two bags out of my right hand, walked over to the open trunk, carefully placed them down, and asked for the other three.

Bella walked over to the taxi as the driver was shutting the trunk. I opened up the passenger door on the drive's side and motioned for her to go in first. She looked at me with curiosity. Carlisle stuck his head out the bus door and waved us off; I gave him the peace sign.

Our driver told us there was a Motel 6 about five miles from the Pavilion, and I told him that would be fine. I didn't need much, just a place to shower off the grunge and the funk. Bella was quiet as she stared out the window with her head propped up on the window glass, her legs and arms crossed and her body angled away from me. I let out a heavy sigh, rested my left elbow on the edge of the window, and watched the passing traffic. The coke started to take effect as I felt a nervous energy in me, making me shake my knee.

"Are you nervous about something?" Her voice broke the silence. I looked over at her and she was still staring out the window. I cleared my throat before I spoke and she turned slightly to eye me.

"No. I just had too much caffeine this morning and I'm offering a penny for the thoughts running through your mind. You look very deep in thought." I twitched a smile.

She sighed and turned to look at me. "I'm not exactly a morning person and I'm hungry."

"I don't meant to eavesdrop, but there is a breakfast place next to the motel. It's a local place, nothing well known," the driver offered.

Bella smiled at him and said thank you.

"I'll get us breakfast once we're cleaned up and dressed."

"Thank you, Cullen," she said but continued, "Listen, Cullen…" I stopped her before she could say anything else.

I leaned over and whispered in her ear, "Wait until we are alone to talk, please. Apparently the driver is listening."

She nodded and went back to staring out the window.

The Motel 6 was one of the nicer ones I'd seen. We pulled up to its front door and the driver popped the trunk. Bella opened up the door and stepped out to grab her bags as I paid the tab and grabbed the rest of the bags. The driver waved goodbye and Bella and I entered the lobby. I offered to take her bag, but she just walked ahead of me and went to the sitting area while I took care of getting us a room.

* * *

How am I going to able to keep my sanity while I'm in a hotel room alone with him? I thought. Last night, as I kissed his cheek and his jaw, I had wanted to plunge my tongue into his mouth and mingle it with his. My hands had wanted to roam through that wayward, freshly fucked hair; all the while, my brain screamed at me to pull away. Then we fell asleep, spooned together, after he asked me about the scent I always wore.

He didn't want me to have any expectations, just wanted to see where things went. That would be easier for him than me. He was beautiful, talented, and intelligent. He had this aura about him. I don't know if it was the rock star in him, or if it was just something, he exuded. It was intoxicating to be in front of a rock star that you have lusted over and have their undivided attention, to see the want and lust in their eyes for you.

He stood in front of me with his hands in his pockets looking down at me, waiting for me to come out of my daydream. I felt my face flush and looked up at him as I grabbed my bag before I stood up. Cullen extended his left hand, again offered to take my bag. I knew he was trying, so I let him take it. We walked over to the elevator and waited for it to descend. I spoke first.

"What floor are we on?" I asked.

"Third, room three oh five. It has two queen sized beds in it if you want to sleep some more," he said with a rushed tone.

I noted he was shaking his right leg and tapping his fingers against his legs while his face was doing a little twitch. He was extremely nervous about something.

"Cullen, you can calm down. I don't want to have sex, so you don't have to worry about that," I softly whispered.

He grinned and took in his lower lip.

"Bella, I'm not worried about that. I just want my shower."

"Why didn't the others come with us?"

"They wanted to sleep, so I didn't bother them anymore. Jasper and Emmett can roll around in their funk. It'll be their fault that they will have to see Alice and Rosalie off while stinking."

"The girls are leaving?" I asked nervously.

"Yeah, they have work to get back to. Rosalie is a bookkeeper at her father's auto repair shop and Alice is a manager for a clothing store. Both live and work in Seattle." He said the last the bits just as the elevator finally chimed but we had to wait for a pile of people to exit before we could enter.

The elevator ride and the walk to the room were done in silence. Apparently, we both weren't morning people. I looked down at my cell phone and it just now read seven. I wanted to get that shower and maybe sleep for another couple of hours, but then I wanted food, too. My stomach grumbled in protest of me sleeping.

Once we were inside, I sat my bag on the table, grabbed my clothes and toiletries, and headed to the bathroom before Cullen did. I closed and locked the door, which made him mutter something under his breath that didn't sound very happy. I was in the middle of taking off my pants when Cullen pounded on the door.

"You know that shit isn't fair. You're going to take forever and I haven't had a shower in almost four fucking days. You've at least kept the important areas cleaned."

I didn't answer him as I was trying to contain my laughter, while he slammed his fist on the door.

"Fine! Just take your sweet goddamn time. I don't fucking care!" he chided.

I was hairy, as in my legs, pits and the hooha. It was nasty. I would have to make quick work of what I could while the hooha just got a trim. My shampoo and conditioner were hidden on the side of my backpack.

Everything that I had was vanilla, even my body wash from Bath and Bodyworks was Warm Vanilla Sugar. The scent seemed to drive Cullen absolutely insane, even more than he already was.

The shower curtain was the normal cheap thing that they probably got from the dollar store and the fixtures looked cheap as well. At least I was going to be taking a real shower. Once the temperature was comfortable, I stepped in and almost came from the sheer delight of having warm water spraying on my body. I washed my hair immediately, as it was beyond oily. Then I did a quick shave over my legs and my pits before taking slightly more time on the hooha. Overall, I finished quicker than I wanted to.

When the towel was wrapped around my body, I opened the door to let some of the steam out. Cullen was sitting on the side of the bed facing the bathroom with a glazed look in his eyes and a lazy crooked smile on his face. I knew he was high. On what, I didn't know.

"You were quicker than I thought you were going to be. Did you save some hot water for me?" he asked me with a slow draw.

"There should be some left. It was still warm when I turned it off. Are you alright?" I asked.

"I'm fine. I'm just waiting for you to get out of the bathroom."

I grabbed my toiletries and walked over to my bag, where my neatly folded clothes were. Cullen walked into the bathroom with his clothes and closed the door.

I inspected my legs and was surprised I didn't have patches of hair that I missed. I pulled out my cocoa butter lotion and rubbed it everywhere on my body. There wasn't much time. I had to hurry and get dressed or Cullen would be seeing me naked, not that I was opposed to that or anything. I found my lavender boy shorts with white lace trimming and the matching bra and put both of them on.

Since it was going to be a thousand degrees today in Phoenix, I pulled out my jean shorts that verged on being too short and a lavender, thin-strapped tank top. I would definitely need extra deodorant, so I slathered on the Vanilla Chai Secret gel antiperspirant.

My father had made sure I had my sunscreen because of my fair skin, so I found a tube of SPF seventy-five down in the bottom of my bag. I applied it to the areas of skin that were showing. My hair was the last thing I took care of. I towel dried it, brushed it out, put it up in a sloppy twist, and secured it with a clip.

Cullen opened the door with steam billowing out and had his towel wrapped around his hips as he was washing out his mouth. His hair was even more unruly than it normally was; I felt a pool of moisture gathering in my boy shorts.

His body was more amazing than I remembered it, since I was now seeing it uncovered. He still had the glassiness in his eyes and a bit of a delayed reaction time. There was no way in hell I was massaging him today, but I wanted to wait until we got back to the pavilion to tell him.

He applied his deodorant and sunscreen, which surprised me. There was a small container of mousse sitting on the counter and he shook it twice and then made a small dollop in his right hand. After he ran it through his hair, he used the tiny hair dryer hanging on the wall to dry his hair, with the finished product being his trademark super freshly fucked hair. I got to witness its making. Cullen looked over at me in the mirror and smirked arrogantly.

"It's not polite to stare, Bella," he laughed.

I quickly turned around, saw the remote to the television, and turned it on. There was the usual morning news shows on and I settled on Good Morning America. They were talking about ways to stay cool for the summer time. I sighed, as summer wasn't even here yet.

Cullen walked out with the towel still wrapped around his hips and threw his clothes on the bed. I sat on the edge of it staring at the TV with little interest; my mind was zoning out. I jostled out of my coma when I felt the bed shake. Cullen had bounced onto it while still wearing the towel. I peeked around slightly.

"Bella, there's nothing showing. You can turn around and look at me," he softly spoke. I turned and looked up at him.

Yeah, there wasn't anything showing, but the towel's part stopped just shy of his balls and dick. His eyes went to my chest and widened when he saw a bit of my lavender bra showing.

"You're color coordinating today. Do your panties match everything else, assuming you're wearing any?"

"Yes, everything is lavender."

He smiled and looked like he was about to doze off when he opened his eyes enough to look at me.

"Bella, I'm going to sleep for awhile. Can you wake me up in a couple of hours?" he slurred. I nodded my head but he was already gone before he could see my answer.

Cullen was a sound sleeper and didn't stir once since he had fallen comatose. I was just starting to watch "Ellen" when he woke up. My head turned back towards the TV when I saw his left hand reach down to scratch and adjust his dick and balls.

Something white landed just at the edge of my left foot. I looked down to see the towel that had been around Cullen's hips. I heard him chuckle and I was sure he saw how red my ears were from blushing.

"Bella, you can turn around now. I have my boxer briefs on," he said with a smile.

"I'm just giving you privacy, even though you could have gone in the bathroom to get dressed," I muttered.

He sighed as I turned to face him. He was wearing khaki cargo shorts, a muted green shirt that read McGuire's Irish Pub with restroom signs on it that was in either Pensacola or Destin, FL, and gray Chucks. Cullen looked amazing.

My stomach loudly grumbled interrupting the silence in the room. He looked at me with furrowed brows and a stern look on his face.

"Bella, you haven't eaten anything yet, have you?" he asked.

"Um, no. I was waiting for you to wake up."

"Shit. I slept too long and now we don't have time to do laundry. Let's go grab some breakfast and get back to the pavilion. I have shit to do before we go on," he said as he packed everything back in the bags. Mine were already packed.

After his three plates and my two plates of all you can eat pancakes, Cullen paid the tab and we walked back to the hotel, where our cab was waiting for us. By then, it was approaching midday and the temperature reached into the upper eighties. It was going to be HOT today. We both had a slight sheen of sweat on our foreheads as the cab drove off.

Small talk about the upcoming show and that he was disappointed about not being able to get a massage filled the ride back. I was relieved that I didn't have to tell him I couldn't massage him. We sat at a red light behind a line of cars and Cullen reached over, put his arm across the back of my shoulders and neck, and started lightly rubbing the top of my right shoulder. It was an innocent gesture and actually calming. I didn't notice him looking at me from the corner of his eye.

"Dear thoughts are in my mind and my soul soars enchanted, as I hear the sweet lark sing in the clear air of the day. For a tender beaming smile, to my hope has been granted, and tomorrow she shall hear all my fond heart would say. I shall tell her all my love, all my soul's adoration; and I think she will hear me and will not say me nay. It is this that fills my soul with its joyous elation, as I hear the sweet lark sing in the clear air of the day," he whispered.

I looked over at him with a small smile and knew it was more Irish poetry.

"Who was that by and what is its title?" I whispered back.

"Sir Samuel Ferguson wrote it and titled it "The Lark in the Clear Air."

"Do you always rattle off Irish poetry to all the girls?" I said as I bit my bottom lip.

He looked at me with serious eyes, lowered them to my lips, and then back to my eyes.

"No, I don't," he murmured before grazing my left ear with a chaste kiss.

After we got back to the bus, Cullen disappeared with Carlisle and Jasper in the back lounge to work on the set list. I asked him to put "Ride the Bullet" on the set list. It made him crack his crooked smile and raise his right brow in question.

I was checking my emails when Jake walked up onto the bus and sat across from me on the other couch. He kicked off his Nike's and stretched out the entire length, and put his arms behind his head. I finished my email to Charlie and turned off the laptop.

Jake looked over at me and gave a weak smile. A loud rupture of laughter echoed down the hallway, breaking through the quietness between Jake and me. He grinned as he pulled himself up and sat facing me with his elbows resting on the tops of his knees. I turned my head back to him and nodded towards the lounge.

"Nah. I'm fine right here. I finally get a chance to catch up with you. It's been awhile since I've seen you. How are things back home?" he asked with cautious eyes.

"They're fine. Everyone has gotten married and has one or two kids."

"How's my dad? Do our dad's still like watching baseball all the time?"

"Your dad's fine and yes, they still like watching baseball. Jake, do you not talk with Billy that often?"

He hesitated and hung his head.

"Not really. He doesn't approve of this lifestyle or of other areas of my life."

I looked at him with confusion.

"Bella, there is a secret that I am keeping from everyone on the bus, and I can't let it get out or Cullen would blow a gasket because I lied to him and the others. They might not like what the secret is."

"Jake, I'm not going to say anything."

"Bella, I see how close Cullen and you are getting. That's another thing I wanted to talk to you about. Cullen hasn't exactly ever had a steady relationship. Whatever gone on with Jane was nothing, and the only other girl who was a constant was Tanya. She was the girl he went to whenever he didn't want to waste his energy on someone new. He has a shit load of issues, Bella.

And he can be and is an asshole. I just don't want to come on the bus one day to find you crying because he's done some shit that you're not used to seeing or he's run his mouth off. Aside from the major flaws and underneath his asshole exterior, he's a good guy, but I don't know how much of that part of him is left. Just be careful, that's all I'm saying," he spoke with genuine concern.

Cullen yelled for Jake to join the rest of them in the lounge and that I wasn't going to be working that day.

It was beyond hot outside but the bus was comfortably cool. I sat with my legs bent up so that my laptop fit easily in my lap. Jessica was on IM and there was no one on the bus. The guys and Alice left to go hang out with the other bands before the show started. Emmett and Carlisle asked me if I had wanted to come and meet the other bands, but I kindly declined by saying I was still a bit tired and wanted to rest.

Jessica was going on and on about how her son was dragging out every pot and pan out of the kitchen cabinets and banging them with the wooden spoons he had pulled out of one of the drawers. I giggled at the thought of her little, blonde curly headed boy Caleb banging around, making Jessica to want to pull her hair out. She told me that she misses having me around as I used to baby-sit for her on occasion. I sighed and typed that I missed Caleb and her also.

"So how big is he?" she typed back.

"Who are you asking about?" I responded.

"You know who I'm inquiring about? Don't play stupid, Bella."

Sighing, I knew to whom she was referring, but I was hoping that by some chance I might be wrong.

"He's nicely proportioned. Everything corresponds with his height and body size."

"Bella, that tells me absolutely nothing. Bitch."

"That was my intention. You know I don't give out details like that. Not at this point."

"Bells, you know I'm not going to tell anyone. Besides, who would believe me if I did say anything?"

"True. I just don't feel comfortable talking about his anatomy."

"Well, if you're not going to dish on that subject; has he like, you know, given you indication that he at least likes you?"

"Yes, he likes me. I like him. And that is about the extent of the situation right now."

"Bella, if you're going to be all secretive and unforthcoming, I'm going to sign off and go put Caleb down for a nap so I can get some cleaning done. I'll talk at you later, Bells."

"Jess, I'm sorry. I'll tell you more when I'm ready. I'll talk at you later on."

"It's okay. Bye, Bella."

Shortly after, Jessica signed off and left me looking at the screen, feeling awkward.

After what seemed like hours of playing Scrabble on , I noticed I was still the only one on the bus and it had gotten late in the day. I shut down my laptop and walked back to the lounge. When I entered the lounge, I gasped with shock. They had all but destroyed the area.

It looked like a college frat house with beer bottles laying everywhere, and it surprised me they left it this way with Alice staying behind, as Rosalie had left sometime after Cullen and I left. I couldn't walk without stepping on a can or a bottle, and it smelled like stale beer. There was a white power residue scattered on the table. I shook my head in disgust and waded through the sea of bottles and cans to get my own bottle of Heineken from the fridge.

The late afternoon warmth greeted me when I stepped off the bus, and I stopped before I could get both feet off the last step. There were so many people around and I felt slightly out of place with so many around. A hand grabbed the top of left arm, causing me to gasp a little. I looked around my shoulder to see John, Jake's drum tech, handing me a card hanging from cord. I looked at him with a quirked brow.

"Bella, you need this to be able to walk around freely back here. It's a pass. Keep it on at all times. You understand?" I nodded and he placed it around my neck.

John walked off in the opposite direction and left me to explore alone. Many of the men I saw were shirtless or wore white wife beaters, and most of the women were all but naked. Little thin triangles and tops with under wire barely contained their tits and I saw so many bare ass cheeks that I felt like I was in a strip club. All the bare skin made me feel overdressed. Clustered in amongst groups of people, members of the other bands were socializing before the show.

The lead singer of Godsmack, Sully Erna, noticed me out of the corner of his eye, turned my way, and gave me a wink. I stood there feeling puzzled and looked around me to see if there might be some other girl nearby, but only saw more shirtless guys. When I realized he winked at me, I felt myself flush and started speed walking farther in the direction I had been heading.

During my wandering, I couldn't help but notice that guys were turning their heads and giving me the once over. I don't know if it was because they thought I was cute or because I was the palest person around. They didn't say anything to me, they just looked. It almost made me feel self-conscious.

I had walked long enough to finish off my beer and while I was looking for a trash bin, I found Jasper and Alice. Alice saw me and waved me over. There was a trash bin behind her, so she wrapped her right arm around me as I threw the bottle in the away. They were in a circle talking with some crew from one of the other bands. Alice looked me up and down and smiled.

"Bella, those shorts sure don't cover much and your tank shows off every curve you have. How did Cullen let you out of the hotel room?" Alice inquired while shaking her short hair that flipped out at the ends.

"I don't know. Why would he notice me when there are girls who are revealing far more skin than I am? I didn't think my shorts were that short and my top isn't too revealing," I answered back with annoyance filling my voice.

"Bella, Bella, Bella. You have no idea how pretty you are, do you? Let's just say if I wasn't with Alice, I would be all over you. Please don't tell Alice I said that to you," Jasper whispered to me. I just smiled and nodded in compliance.

One of the guys offered me another beer and I noticed it was actually a Heineken. I smiled and said thank you to him as his fingers grazed over mine while he looked down at me with a crooked grin. He was cute with his shoulder length, brown hair the color of dead leaves and eyes that were blue as the sky above. He said his name was Perry. He seemed nice enough, but nothing struck a chord with me.

Jasper noticed Perry trying to flirt with me and he draped his arm around my shoulder and pulled me close to him. Alice gazed up at him with a small smile playing on her lips. I didn't fight him. It was surprisingly comforting, so I leaned more of my weight into his body, which caused him to pull me closer. I saw Jasper's eyes look down at something Alice had in her hand as I saw her nod her head in a direction I couldn't make out.

"Well gentlemen, if you'll excuse us, I have a date with these two beautiful ladies if you know what I mean," Jasper drawled and got a response of loud, male laughter.

I knitted my eyebrows and looked at Alice as she rolled her eyes. Jasper pulled Alice and me away from the circle and started walking in the direction that I had been walking.

We walked behind all the buses and found some cases to sit on. Alice pulled out from her pocket what looked like a joint, and looked at Jasper as he handed her a lighter. Alice looked up at me and waggled the joint with a mischievous smile.

"Want to join in, Bella?" she asked.

"Of course. Hey, Jasper, when do you guys go on?" I asked.

"I think in about two hours or so, maybe three."

"Bella, you and I get to watch from the side of the stage. These guys are awesome. Hey, Jas, are you guys throwing in any covers?" Alice asked as she passed the joint to me.

"I think three. Cullen wants to do Motley's 'Looks That Kill,' HIM's 'Poison Girl' and White Zombie's 'Thunder Kiss '65.'"

I knew each one of those songs and smiled at Jasper as he took a drag so big his eyes bugged out. Alice teased him for being a joint hog and slapped his right arm. Emmett found us and came bearing an armful of beers, two Coronas and two Heinekens. I was still drinking my second one and now had a third. Emmett looked down at me and glued his eyes to my legs.

"Damn, chickie…nice legs there, but you're so white I bet you glow in the moonlight. I can't believe my brother let you leave the hotel room."

"That's what Alice said also. Why would he stop me from leaving the hotel?" I honestly didn't know.

"Bells, I think my brother in his own way likes you. He won't admit it to anyone, but he does. All I can say is…just give him time. He's going to fuck up, believe me, is he ever going to fuck up. But just hang in there."

My eyebrows furrowed as I took my last drag from the joint before passing it to Emmett who took a baby drag and passed the last of it to Jasper. That joint was more potent than the one from the other night. I was definitely high and apparently, on my way to being drunk, which gave me the nerve to bring up the disaster left behind in the back lounge.

"Um, do you all know you left the lounge in a complete mess? I had to walk through a sea of beer bottles and cans just to reach the refrigerator. It looks disgusting. Alice, I'm surprised you left it looking that way," I chastised.

"Bella, I have tried and it does absolutely no good. We are outnumbered here. Men are pigs," Alice replied.

Emmett and Jasper made pig sounds as their responses. I sighed, giving up just like Alice.

Emmett made several beer runs before he brought out a tub of ice filled with beer. By that point, I had lost count of how many beers I had drank. We had smoked again, but this time it was a blunt.

Jasper rolled it and it looked like a giant tampon. I knew I was fucked up, because I was sitting around in just my shorts and my lavender bra. My poor tank top sprouted legs and walked off somewhere because I couldn't find it and I really didn't care.

Alice was fucked up also, as she was walking around in her white tank top and little low rise, baby pink boy shorts. By then, Carlisle had found us and sat down to join in. It was at that point I started to feel like I officially became part of the group.

Carlisle was nursing a bottle of Jack Daniels. I was engrossed in the story Emmett was telling about the time he was out hunting and got cornered by a bear that I hardly noticed the tap on my shoulder. I looked up and saw it was Carlisle nudging the bottom of the bottle on me. He looked down at me with his brow cocked in question. My right hand reached around for the bottle and brought it up to my mouth. This was my first time ever trying Jack.

Instantly, my mouth was set on fire, which traveled down my throat and made its final boiling point in my belly. I shuddered and took another sip. The burn didn't ease any with each additional swig.

Carlisle finally sat down and leaned his opened right hand over to me to take the bottle back. Even though it scorched my damn throat, the whiskey tasted good.

"You can have more, if you want, Bella," Carlisle whispered to me.

I smiled and nodded as I reached for the bottle. Carlisle was dressed casually like the rest of us in his faded worn out blue jeans, scuffed Doc Martens, and a Seether tee. God, it was hard to believe that my dad and he were the same age. I almost wanted to hump Carlisle.

Emmett and Jasper were telling stories about the numerous groupies that had tried various ways to get the boys to fuck them, which made Alice and I laugh until our sides were hurting. Alice had started another joint, making it a total of three. Carlisle and I were also nursing the JD bottle. I was beyond fucked up at this point. When the joint came to me, I took three long hits, making Emmett swat at my lower right leg.

Alice took the joint from me forcefully and I rolled over onto my stomach laughing. My face was down in the dirt, watching the world do aerials around me. I heard a loud screaming noise was coming from a pile of cases in the distance. I looked to see what direction it was coming from until I saw a pair of dangling tits slapping against a girl's body with her head thrown back and her back arched. Her arms stretched out lengthwise while holding onto two equipment cases as she moaned and screamed with her eyes closed.

Her long, honey colored hair covered parts of her face as a hand, connected to the man fucking her, pulled and twisted it. My eyes slowly scanned her body and didn't find one imperfection. She was completely naked and I saw no remnants of clothing anywhere. My scanning moved up to the manly, pale arm that held her hair while he fucked her from behind; the arm tensed up from gripping so tightly.

I continued moving up the body, something about it seemed familiar as I scanned the abdominal muscles and the chest. His head was reared back with his mouth turned in a sneer. He lowered his head as he looked down at his dick going in and out of the girl and picked up speed, making the girl scream louder. His face twisted in a snarl as he pulled out of the girl, turned her around, and threw her on top of the cases.

He spread her legs as wide as they could go, rammed his dick into her as hard as he could, and went back to impaling the girl's cunt. Her back arched as her fingers tried unsuccessfully to grasp onto the edge of the case. His eyes were closed and he looked deep in concentration. It was then I knew who it was.

It felt like my uterus clenched in excitement from watching Cullen fuck the girl senseless but my brain was scrambling to sort out my feelings. I was so fucked up that the thought crossed my mind that I might be imagining that it was he because I was almost at my wit's end with him from sexual tension. Someone turned me over and sat me back up as I brought my knees to my chest and slouched over them.

I was smiling at the memory of seeing Cullen have sex, even though it wasn't, as Jasper pulled my face up and I looked at him through half opened eyes. My ears were filled with laughter and I couldn't help but join in, even though I had no idea what was so funny.

Carlisle looked down at his watch after we had all stopped laughing and made a circle with his hand that signaled that they needed to start rounding up the other two members and hit the stage. Alice pulled me up, dusted off my ass and legs, and then forced her little hand into mine, holding it with a death grip. We followed the guys to a set of multiple stairs that led up to the side of the stage.

When we got up there, John was finishing up with connecting some wires and gave the sign that everything was good to go. Jake and Cullen came running up behind us and startled me. Cullen looked down at me and smiled quickly as he yelled for the others to join him on stage. They were met with a loud wall of screams.

Cullen had his back towards the crowd and started counting with his fingers. Then the pavilion rocked with a thunderous boom from Jake as the air filled with the scream from Jasper's guitar. They started with "Ride the Bullet." Cullen looked over to me at the point in the song when he asked if you wanted the ride the bullet. My brain was swimming so deep in the fog of marijuana, Heineken and Jack Daniels that I barely registered what he meant. I looked over at Alice and she was dancing like a stripper on a metal folding chair. Jasper looked over at her, licked his lips, and smiled.

The guys had the crowd eating out of their hands, as were Alice and I. We wiggled our asses and grinded our hips into each other. Cullen stripped off his shirt and it was then I noticed he had changed into some jeans that hung low on his hips. His alabaster skin gleamed in the fading sunlight and made all the girls in the crowd scream louder than they already were. And I was still smiling through my drug and alcohol haze.

* * *

Everyone decided to stay on the side of the stage to watch the other two bands perform, but I was fucking drained and wanted some down time. Once our show was over, I did my little meeting with the fans, shook hands with the crew and the other bands, and then retreated to the bus. Off in the distance, I could still hear the muffled screaming of the crowd and the random yelp of a girl passing the bus. Carlisle had left some China White lying on the table already cut up into lines for me to snort.

Bella looked to have truly been having fun while we performed. In between singing, Emmett told me that they had gotten her so drunk and high that she seemed to have been in another world. I looked over at the side of the stage and found Alice and her grinding on each other; I laughed to myself. Bella could hang but how far was she willing to go?

I stared down at the lines of China on the tabletop, fingering the segment of plastic straw, while feeling my saliva pool in my mouth at the impending rush. I took a deep breath in and slowly blew it out. I leaned down, carefully inserted the straw into my left nostril, and slowly ran the other end over the three lines before switching sides to do three more lines.

Within mere moments, the rush slammed into my brain like a bullet train going top speed. I was numb, yet there was a warm, euphoric glow radiating all over. My body slumped against the backing of the booth as my head rolled back and rested with my eyes closed. Being numb and warmly glowing at the same time was a beautiful pull of emotions on my body. I was alone and in love.

At some point, I had made my way over to the couch in the lounge and was lying with one leg hanging over and my right arm lying across my forehead. I was still in a dream state. It felt like there was someone in the room with me so I slowly turned my head and saw her. Cascades of chocolate draped over her shoulder and her body was covered in the smoothest cream ever. She eyed the baggie, and looked over at me with glassy eyes, as her mouth turned up with a crooked half smile.

"Would you like to try some?" I spoke and it sounded like my voice was echoing. She nodded in response.

It felt as if my body was floating over to her, not walking with one foot in front of the other. I squeezed behind the table and picked up the baggie. I dumped the rest of the China onto the table, took my credit card out, and started chopping the powder into lines. I made four neat little white trails.

Her small hand rested on top of my thigh on my right side while she looked into my eyes with a distant look that somehow showed want and desire. I picked up the segment of plastic straw and instructed her to slowly lower her head to the first line and carefully insert the straw into one of her nostrils, making sure not to go up too far.

She placed the straw into her right nostril and laid it at the start of the first line. I guided her to go slow as she slid the straw up the length of the line. When she was done with it, she moved over to the second line and started repeating the process over. I put my hand on her left shoulder and pulled her back.

"That's enough for right now," I murmured and finished off the last two lines.

Her eyes were wide open and as time passed, she slumped back into the booth and became relaxed. She turned her head over to me and lazily smiled as her eyes looked down at my mouth. I smirked as I raised my left hand to her jaw line and stroked her bottom lip with my thumb. Her tongue grazed the pad of my thumb and leisurely ran the tip over the nail. My breathing picked up as I leaned in and crushed my mouth onto hers.

There was no resistance; her mouth melted into mine. Nothing was nice about our reactions. Her fingers clawed my scalp as they pulled at my hair and my hands raced up underneath the front of her shirt and started pulling the cup of her bra down. My thumb and index finger found her right nipple and started rolling it as my palm massaged the entire breast. She was panting and whimpering into my mouth, which urged me on even more. I separated us quickly, pulled her shirt off, and unhooked her bra.

My mouth all but swallowed her right tit. She tried to rip my shirt off my body and I growled, as I had to stop what I was doing to her so she could. Once we were skin to skin, it felt as if there was a fire that was set ablaze. My fingernails clawed at the skin on her smooth back as my lips trailed from her smooth neck down to her left tit as I consumed that one.

My tongue flicked across the pink tip making it hard. Her body was responding to every touch, as her little hands were everywhere on mine. It was the effect of the China; the warm glow coming in contact with more of the glow from my body.

My left hand traveled down the silky expanse of her back, setting her skin on fire. She rolled her hip out when my hand grasped it. She was nipping at my neck as her hands roamed down my back, making their way to the waistband of my jeans.

Both of my hands were on her ass, supporting her bottom as I lifted her up onto her knees so that her belly was at the level of my lips. I slowly traced a path from her belly button to the top of her shorts, placing deep, wet kisses. Her arms wrapped around my head with her fingers gripping my hair.

I brought my hands around to the button on her shorts and slipped it through the slit that wrapped around it. The pulling of the zipper echoed in the emptiness of the lounge. I slipped the shorts down over her ass, hips, and then down her thighs, as she was then able to slip them off the rest of the way.

She was before me in nothing but her lavender boy shorts. I pushed on her shoulders, making straddle me. She wrapped her legs around my waist and pressed into my hard on. I looked into her eyes, growled while I hurriedly slid away from the booth, and laid her down on the couch.

One leg was bent between her legs and the other was pressed against the cushion edges. I was unzipping my jeans when her hands grabbed at the waistband and angrily pushed them down. Her eyes went to the floor and scowled at the Docs I was still wearing and then back to my dick. I laughed when she saw the size of it since it was now uncovered. I fumbled with getting my boots off and almost fell over. Her right hand softly stroked the massive length. My breathing was ragged and I saw her eyes fill with wonder and glaze over.

I was finally naked and needed to get those lavender panties off her. She looked up at me with her tongue rubbing her bottom lip and I smiled back down at her. She leaned over and wrapped her little warm mouth around the head of my cock before taking the rest in.

My hands wrapped underneath her hair as they cradled the base of her skull, and gently pressed as she went down. The tip of her tongue flicked down the shaft and back up as she tongued the slit underneath the head. She traced the entire outline of the head, looking up at me innocently. I was growing impatient.

I grabbed the back of her arms and yanked her up, then pushed her down on the beige couch. I reached down to the band of her panties, curled my fingers in, and almost ripped them in the process of getting them off. Our clothes lay in a strung out pile. My eyes gazed back over her complete nakedness and grew wide when I noticed she was bare on her pussy. There wasn't a landing strip or anything.

I wanted my mouth down there, tasting her, licking and sucking, but I took the back of my right hand, grazed over the smoothness of the area, parted her with two fingers, and growled when I felt her wetness seeping out. She wanted this as much as I did. Animalistic need took over as I slammed my body down onto hers, trying not to put all of my weight on her, and going full hilt as my fingers kept her parted.

She screamed when I shoved into her. She was tight, so very tight, enveloping my dick like velvet. A groan passed through my throat as I started slowly moving in and out of her, loosening her so I could fuck her hard. When I felt her pussy give away some, I picked up my speed and strength. She moaned loudly as her eyes rolled back in her head. I had her legs straight against me with her feet on my shoulders.

My hands curled around the arm of the couch for support, as I barreled into her harder and faster. Her tits were bouncing and rolling back and forth. Our skin was slapping upon contact and I started rolling my hips to give her a new sensation, which made her shriek my name loudly. Her face was in sweet, joyful agony. I looked down and watched my dick fuck her, and saw that a white liquid, her liquid, covered it.

Her skin was pink from the rush of blood. Her eyes were closed in ecstasy as she screamed, "Oh god, fuck me harder" and "Cullen, please don't stop." Her body shook for what seemed like the sixth time, before I started feeling the pressure of my release.

We were both drenched with sweat. I was slamming into her with everything I had. Her skin and mine was slick from her cum and it had seeped onto the cushions of the couch. She was trying to grasp my back to hold on when I emptied myself deep within her. I shuddered all over and placed kisses on her neck, jaw and lips.

She smiled lazily as I rested my head on her chest. We were both breathing heavily and sounded like asthmatics as we tried to still our lungs. She encircled her arms around me and held me. After I had calmed my breathing, I placed tiny kisses on her chest and moved to her mouth. An electric current filled the warm euphoric glow and numbness that I still had. Her voice broke through my thoughts.

"Cullen, that was amazing. I feel like a warm, fuzzy electric glove is encasing my body," she whispered. I smiled against her mouth before replying with poetry.

"She is the touch of pink, On crab apple blossom, And hawthorn, and she melts frost flowers with her finger." She smiled up at me with pink lips and the flush pinkness on her cheeks made from the rush of blood.

"Who was that by?" she whispered.

"Michael Longley. Called 'A Touch.'"

My left hand journeyed to underneath her hair and I tipped her head back so her mouth would turn up towards mine. I breathed a sigh of pleasure and took her mouth again as my body awoke with desire again. Therefore, I took her again as we rode out the euphoric glow.


	9. Chapter 8 Sweet Sacrifice

**A/N: Sorry it's been awhile. Holidays and traveling made it difficult to update. There is violence in this chapter. And yes, the gun part was based on a true event during an episode with cocaine but the actual event wasn't what I wrote in this chapter. And no, I have never done heroin or cocaine, but I know people who have and I do my research on the topic. Please don't be afraid to leave a reply.**

**And major kudos goes to adt216 for being awesome blossom beta and lambcullen for being super duper pre-reader.  
**

* * *

Chapter 8

"_It's true, we're all a little insane, but it's so clear_

_now that I'm unchained"- 'Sweet Sacrifice', Evanescence_

B.

Cold metal pressing against my face woke me from my sleep. I squinted from the brightness of the overhead light, and the throbbing in my head felt like a big rig truck had hit me going ninety miles per hour. The cold metal began pressing harder against my right cheek, caused my eyes to snap open, and then made my breath catch in my throat. I was staring down the black barrel of a shotgun. I cautiously ran my eyes up the shotgun, up the arms holding it, and then into the face of its holder.

I buried a scream inside my stomach, because any sound or sudden movement, I knew I would be dead. Cullen looked down at me and I knew immediately that he was gone, with his lip snarled and nostrils flared. Physically he was here, but mentally he was not. Movement to the right of him caught my eye and I darted my eyes over to see Alice huddled against the side of the couch. Sensing her movement, Cullen tightened his grip on the trigger. Jasper shook his head at Alice, silently telling her not to move.

I took inventory of where I was and realized that I had no memory of the previous night except for glimmers of scenes flashing through my bogged memory. My clothes were the same from yesterday, jean shorts with a thin-strapped lavender tank, and I was lying on the couch at the front of the bus. There were aches and pains radiating from my legs and hips, and an intense throbbing in my groin area. It felt like I had been beaten within an inch of my life. But at that moment, my life hung in the hands of the beautiful demon above me with his feral green eyes boring holes into my head.

A low growl emanated from his chest and the right corner of his top lip turned up into a sneer. He moved the tip of the barrel from my cheek, slowly up to the space between my eyebrows, and pressed the gun harder than he had before.

"Who the fuck are you? And why are you on here? I told Carlisle no whores on this goddamn bus," Cullen seethed.

Carlisle crept slowly into Cullen's line of sight with his hands up in front of him, signaling he meant no harm. Cullen moved his eyes from me to his father, while not loosening his grip on the shotgun.

"Son, please lower the gun. Bella means no harm. Do you not remember that I hired her? She's our massage therapist," Carlisle spoke with a calm and gentle tone.

Cullen darted his gaze back to me.

"Jasper, is this true? Does she work for us?" he grumbled.

Jasper cleared his throat and softly replied, "Yes."

Cullen eyed me for what seemed like an eternity, before removing the barrel from between my eyes and placing it at his side. He leaned down close enough that his nose grazed mine. I felt the warm air covering my mouth and chin as it left his nose. His breathing was quick and harsh, but his movements were surprisingly controlled.

"You're lucky I didn't shoot you on sight," he snapped. His gaze bore into my eyes for a few more seconds, and then bolted upright, charged out the room, and down the hall into the back area of the bus.

A loud clank of metal pinged through the air as the gun undoubtedly landed on the floor. I closed my eyes and attempted to get my breathing and frazzled nerves under control. Alice came into my line of sight, placed the back of her left hand on my face, and slowly stroked my cheek. Carefully, Carlisle kneeled in front of me, his head hung down as he pressed against my left knee. I turned to him.

"Bella, I'm so very sorry. I honestly don't know what to say," he whispered. I cleared my throat and pinched the bridge of my nose, as if doing that would somehow clear my mind.

"What happened? Please explain that part to me."

Carlisle sighed and looked up at me with red-rimmed eyes.

"Cullen went on a major cocaine binder last night, and then he started drinking vodka. One of the major side effects of coke is paranoia. He was up all night writing lyrics that I read this morning and they made no sense whatsoever. As I finished reading them, I heard the sound of the shotgun being cocked and the sound woke everyone up.

"We crept down the hallway and found Cullen looming over your silent, sleeping form. I knew he was completely gone at that point. None of us could do anything sudden or he would have killed you, one of us, or both. My stomach lurched into my throat when I saw him put the barrel onto your face and press down. That's when you woke up."

I looked up from Carlisle, over to Alice, and then to the other guys. Jasper was staring at Alice; Emmett had his hands dug into his biceps and was leaning against the opposing wall, while Jake was sitting on the other couch staring into space with his chin resting in his left hand. They were all rattled but not completely shaken as I was. I knew then that this episode wasn't Cullen's first and something told me it would not be his last. And this probably wasn't even the worst one, but to me, it was the most frightening experience in my life.

Everyone was silent, and I was processing everything that Carlisle had just said to me. Memories from the previous day began bubbling up in pieces, not quite the whole memory- Cullen and me at the hotel, IMing with Jessica, the lead singer of Godsmack eyeing me, drinking and smoking pot with the others and then Loxley Screws playing. Anything beyond that was blurry, like frosted glass.

Dreams that came to me while I had slept were lurking, including dreams of Cullen and I having sex in the back lounge on just about every surface and corner. I scowled as my body betrayed me at the memory of the dream, making me moist in my shorts. This reaction was totally fucked up, as he had just nearly blown my head off with a shotgun.

Alice tucked me further into her little body, almost trying to wrap her arms and legs around me like an impish octopus. I released a deep breath and sank further into her. My nose nuzzled her shirt and inhaled a smell of cloves and cinnamon. It was comforting and made Alice feel like home. Her right hand was caressing my hair, moving it out of my eyes, and she hummed a melody that I did not recognize.

We were allowing the silence to blanket us, to comfort us. Carlisle still had his face resting on my knees, while Emmett had sunk down to the floor and Jake was still staring blankly out the window. Jasper sat next to Alice with an arm stretched out across the back of the couch around us, as he ran his fingers up and down her arm and leaned his head on her back.

The occasional gentle swaying of the bus was soothing and seemed to collaborate well with the silence. My vital signs had relaxed as if I had taken a Xanax. The others had resumed a normal steady breathing and seemed to have drifted off to sleep, as I was lulled back into slumber with Carlisle peacefully asleep in the floor next to my feet. But lurking in the black depths of unconsciousness was nothing resembling peace for me.

_I was standing in a dimly lit hallway of what looked like a hotel suite and it was silent except for the distant ticking of a far away clock. There wasn't any movement. I was breathing so shallowly that I had to place the top of my hand under my nose to make sure I was alive. All the doors of the suite were open but one. The door at the end was closed with the faintest of light seeping out from underneath it. I looked around and saw no one._

_ Turning back around, I moved one foot in front of the other as the hallway seemed to move further away with each step. It was as if I was moving in slow motion, as if what was behind that door didn't want me intruding. I moved my right hand towards the doorknob as if my will would make time move faster. It felt like I was walking through waist deep water wearing ten pounds of weight around my ankles. In my frustration, I tried screaming but no sound came forth from my throat._

_ Time moved like mud through an hourglass, as I finally placed my hand on the silver knob. I almost pulled my hand back from the shock of coldness that shot through my palm and fingers. After a few seconds of being acclimated to the frigid metal, I tried slowly turning it, but was met with resistance. A little more effort was added but the knob still wouldn't move. I closed my eyes, took a deep breath, and started counting to ten. I blew out the breath and slowly opened my eyes to try again, but with more force. Finally, with what felt like half my body weight, I was able to turn the knob._

_ When I pushed open the door, it swung open with total ease and no sound. Once again, there was no sound in this eerie place. It was a bedroom, the master bedroom to be exact. I could only make out the details of the room from the light that came from underneath the bathroom door. The bedding was strewn in many directions on the floor beside the bed, leaving the mattress bare. Various articles of clothing were laid in rumpled piles all around. A bottle of Jack was tipped over on the nightstand, dripping the last remains onto the puddle that had accumulated on the floor. _

_ As I moved around the room and the destruction, the hairs on the back of my neck began to stand up. Something was looming, and I didn't know from where. The stench of the Jack hung so thick in the air that it was almost suffocating. Over to my right was the only window in the room, and its curtains were wide open, exposing the night view of the city. I had taken everything in but hadn't yet noticed myself, so I looked down and saw I was wearing a white cotton chemise that was so thin that I saw the outline of my white boy shorts. I wore no shoes and my hair was pulled back in a neat ponytail._

_ I knew there was some importance to my being in this room, but I did not understand what it was. My breathing was now slow and deep, but then I noticed that the air had no temperature. No coldness. No heat. There was complete nothingness._

_ Nausea has settled in from inhaling the cloying Jack Daniels. I closed my eyes and placed both hands on my stomach so I could concentrate on calming the ocean that was becoming restless inside me. A thin sheet of sweat began to cover my body, but I was having chills, a cold sweat. I suddenly felt the need to vomit as I sensed another scent hanging in the air that was mingling with the whiskey, a sweet metallic smell._

_ More brightness broke through the paper-thin skin of my eyelids, so I slowly opened them to a slit and turned my head. The bathroom door was open. My breathing and heart rate instantly quickened. I knew I wasn't alone in the room. With overwhelming nausea and fear prickling along my skin, I turned slowly around, moving back a bit so I could get a better look. _

_ A male body stood directly behind me that was giving off waves of anger that was mixed with lust. My eyes moved up and were face to face with a shotgun. I chased back a scream that was scrambling to make its way out of my throat. The sweet, metallic scent was now heavier and I noticed droplets on the beige carpet below my feet. There was blood dripping from the man's arm, hand, and fingers. But the other arm was perfectly untouched. _

_ He readjusted his grip on the trigger and took in a harsh breath of air as he watched me take note of him. His upper body was shirtless and he wore loose fitting jeans that hung on his hips. I had not yet found the courage to look at his face. I was too afraid of what I would see there, but I forced my eyes to move to his face. His full mouth was set in a tight line but when I got to his eyes, there were no eyes; just black sockets. A scream ruptured from my mouth and echoed off the walls and down the hallway._

_ The screaming would not stop as the two black holes bore into my eyes. They wouldn't leave and kept getting closer. I began shaking violently, as he began screaming my name into my face._

"Bella! Bella! Wake the fuck up!" was being screamed. I had fallen to the floor and was walking backwards on my hands, not noticing that my chemise had risen up, showing my boy shorts. Those two big, black sockets were dancing in front of me with the mouth screaming. I couldn't breathe. The blood and whiskey had finally choked me.

My body was slammed against something with such a force that had me screaming, as I looked into a pair of brown eyes that had black hair hanging over them. His lips moved, but I couldn't hear what he said over my own screaming. His hands gripped the tops of my arms as he shook me.

"Bella, it's me, Jake. Stop screaming. You're okay."

I choked back a scream as my shoulders shuddered. My heart felt like it was going to explode and my lungs were going to collapse. Someone was shushing me as their cold hand straightened out my hair. I moved from Jake's face and turned to see Alice, once again, trying to calm me.

Emmett and Jasper were to my left and both had their arms crossed over their chests with their brows furrowed with either concern, puzzlement or both. Carlisle stood behind Jake and his face was tightly set as his eyes cut to the left. Mine slowly moved that way and saw Cullen leaning against the wall with a blank look on his face. He stared at nothing and his eyes were still glassy. Carlisle broke from his stance, stalked over to his son, and got within mere centimeters of his face.

"Look at what you've done to her. She's going to be plagued with nightmares for who knows how long. She signed a contract in which I promised her safety. She could easily take us to court and she would win. From now on, all of the stash will reside in a combination safe and only I will know the numbers. Do you understand me, son?" Carlisle seethed so hard that spit flew into Cullen's face.

Cullen gave the faintest nod of his head and turned around to head down the hallway where he climbed into a bunk and closed the curtain.

Carlisle's hands were in fists and his whole body shook with anger. Emmett walked over to his father and laid his left hand on Carlisle's right shoulder. He closed his eyes and I knew he was straining to keep his control and not go off on his younger son. Carlisle opened his eyes and looked down at me.

"Carlisle, I'm not going to sue you. I knew I was taking a big chance by doing this. I did my research. I talked to people. I knew things could get out of hand and I knew none of you were straight- laced people. I want to stay, if you want me to stay," I softly said.

Carlisle choked a laugh and raked his hands through his blonde hair.

"Bella, of course I want you to stay."

Then I heard "I do too" all around me. There were two knocks on the wall coming from the hallway and I furrowed my brows.

"Cullen wants you to stay, also. He knocks twice for yes," Jasper answered my silent question.

Alice still stroked my hair and I had leaned all of myself onto her. She was very comforting and soothing, almost mother-like. My emotions were a tsunami. I knew how Cullen was- arrogant, an asshole- but he had also shown me he could be sweet and caring, even playful. But this…this had put everything into a tailspin. My mind was pulling in one direction, but my body was betraying every rational thought I knew I should have. The events from the previous day were still a giant haze.

"Alice, at what point yesterday did I find my shirt?" I mumbled.

"You lost your shirt? When?"

"I somewhat recall sitting around in nothing but my bra at one point when we were hanging out, I'm just trying to piece together yesterday's events."

"What was the last thing you remember?"

"Um...I think when the band was on stage performing and you and me were dancing on the side of the stage. Everything after that is like trying to look through frosted glass. I did have dreams that Cullen and I had sex everywhere in the back lounge, but that could just be my libido talking to me in my dreams."

"Well, Bell, I do remember Cullen going straight to the bus after the show. Maybe once things calm down….the two of you need to talk anyway," Alice spoke in my ear.

She looked around and I did the same and saw we were alone, so she took my hands into her lap and looked me in the eyes.

"Bella, Cullen…I'm trying to find a way to explain…him. He can be a really good guy and he is loyal to those he cares about. But I've never known him to ever be in love with anyone. Yes, he loves his family and friends and….the smack. However, he's never given his heart to another human being.

"Bella, I get images or feelings and so far, they have been on target. I can't exactly say what you and he are going to be, but I have seen the both of you getting closer. How close…is a mystery to me. Just give each other space for a few hours or days and then try to talk with him."

I looked at her and had nothing to say. What could I say? I bit my bottom lip and reached over to pull her into a hug.

Dawn was approaching and I felt like I had hardly gotten any sleep. Alice said she would curl up with me on the couch and lay beside me while we slept in case I had more nightmares. For once, it was nice to be held in my sleep.

* * *

**E. (Cullen)**

What the fuck had I done? There was a hole the size of a goddamn elephant, gaping in my chest. Things went excessively fucking far, out of control, and landed with a fireball crash. What's more fucked up is that I don't recall any earlier events, just the last couple of hours. I came very close to killing her.

My body was on overload from all the smack and coke and I think vodka; too many chemicals at one time. God, I hope Bella can forgive me. I would never intentionally hurt her. I find myself enjoying her company more and more. She listens to me and never once has she taken advantage of the situation she's in.

As I lay in my bunk, I heard Alice and her whispering and mumbling their girl talk. The soft droning of their voices made for a comforting background noise. I wouldn't be surprised if I was one of the topics. Should I even dare force Alice to tell me about the conversation? My hands shot to my hair and pulled at the mass in aggravation. Why was I even caring what Bella thought of me? Yes, she worked for us and we had to be professional, but why did I fucking _care_?

I then thought about what my father said about locking the stash away. My shit would be monitored for a while; he wouldn't take them away from me. However, I had my connections that he didn't fucking know about. I just preferred Aro, I trusted Aro, but I'm sure Carlisle will put a lockdown with him.

It would take me a couple of days to get in contact with my other suppliers. I hoped to have my own shit by the time we hit Dallas. I just had Albuquerque and Amarillo to get through. But I was sated for a couple of days on the smack and Carlisle would drop baggies of coke for me every so often.

And those lyrics…fuck. None of them made any goddamn sense and I had wasted half a composition book. Not one was usable. But I still had those that I had saved on my laptop awhile ago that I could work on. I knew Jasper would be asking soon if I had anything, as he would occasionally work on songs with me. My eyes felt heavy, like anchors were pulling them down, and I knew I was crashing. The last thought I had was China White, Golden Girl, and chocolate.

I woke to sounds of laughter and screams, and to every joint in my body screaming out in pain from sleeping balled up. I had no damn idea what time it was. I heard clacking and knew someone was on their laptop. And as usual my dick was hard in my jeans- thankfully they were loose fit. I swung one leg over, slid out of the bunk, and landed with a loud thud. Carlisle looked up from his laptop and gave me a stern look.

"There's breakfast in here for you, son. We stopped at a McDonald's."

Great! Grease and sugar for breakfast, a breakfast made for a champion. Luckily, I didn't feel hungry. I gave him an "OK" sign and leaned against the entrance to the lounge. Jasper and Emmett were playing Guitar Hero, again, and Alice was balled up in a cocoon sleeping with drool running down her cheek. I smirked and ran my left hand through my hair.

I walked to the refrigerator and reached for the carton of OJ. A loud sigh and slamming of keyboard keys informed me that my father wasn't happy with me for drinking out of the carton. Add that shit to the growing list. I was thirstier than I thought and drank just about the entire carton. I placed it back in the fridge and wiped my mouth with the back of my hand.

Jasper had a look of disgust on his face and went back to playing the fucking song on the game. I wasn't in the mood to deal with anyone back here. As I was walking out of the room, Jake looked up at me from a book he was reading and gave me the middle finger. He was lucky he was our drummer or I would have broken the fucking thing. I turned my back on him and stalked down the hallway towards the front of the bus where my laptop was.

When I entered the front, Bella sat scrunched up on the couch with her laptop on and was typing away. She looked up at me and then back to the screen as if I was just another person. Her brows gathered in deep lines and her mouth was tightly set.

Her hair was pulled back in a sloppy ponytail and she was wearing ragged jean cut-offs and a red, baby doll shirt with Mario from Mario Bros. on it. I shrugged my shoulders, fell onto the other couch, and grabbed my laptop. Bella closed her laptop and sighed. I looked up and saw she had her eyes closed, pinching the bridge of her nose.

"Edward, we have to talk."


	10. Chapter 9 Nothing Else Remains

**A/N: Thank you everyone for reviews, I love them. Enjoy the new chapter....I have added my music playlist of bands that I listen to while writing HL to my profile. I will add to it as I go along. I will also be adding YouTube links to videos of the bands.**

**Thanks to my beta adt216 and pre-reader lambcullen. Big kisses, you two.  
**

* * *

Chapter 9

"_But I justify my desire to no one_

_I won't deny that I need it bad to go on."_

_-'Nothing Else Remains,' Poisonblack_

E. (Cullen)

She knew my damn first name. How the fuck did Bella know that? No one in the public knew it. Carlisle made damn sure no one would find out after I had it legally changed to Cullen Masen, while Emmett and Carlisle still used Masen for professional purposes. Bella looked at me as if I was a stupid fuck, apparently waiting on me to say something.

"How did you know my old first name?" I asked with a hint of annoyance.

"You know damn well we're from the same town. Forks isn't exactly a metropolis. Why don't you like going by your first name?" Bella replied sarcastically.

"Why do you care? What's it to you? Legally, Cullen Masen is my name. That is what you will you call me, in private and publicly. Don't ever say that other name to me again. Do you understand, Ms. Swan?" I reprimanded.

Bella furrowed her eyebrows and slowly nodded replying, "Yeah, sure. I didn't mean to disrespect you and I surely didn't know that your old name was an issue. No one ever said anything."

"Well, last night you said you did your research about us. Evidently, you didn't research enough. Everyone in that damn town knows not to call me by that name. My father had it legally changed before I turned eighteen. And before it was changed legally I had stopped using it. Now what did you want to talk about? It must be about last night. Am I correct?" I chastised.

Her face twisted into a look of pure fury, piss, and vinegar. I knew what I had done last night was fucked up. But at the time I hadn't known what I was doing.

"You fucking bastard! You had a goddamn shotgun barrel in my FACE! And now, you have the fucking balls to talk to me in that tone of voice? You could have killed any one of us. Are you even sorry or do you really not give a fuck?" she screamed at me.

I knew I had no right to scream or be an asshole to her.

"Of course I care and if I didn't give a fuck, I wouldn't have agreed with the rest of the group about wanting you to stay. If I really didn't give a fuck, I would have told the driver to pull this damn bus over, grabbed your shit, and left you standing by the side of the fucking road. But no, you're here, with us.

"For the short time you've been with us, we have all taken to you. And for what I did, I am sorrier than you know. I can't say that episodes like that aren't going to happen, because they have in the past, but never to the point where I pointed my gun in a person's face," I said as my hands clenched the sofa cushions.

Anger hung in the air. Bella's knuckles were turning white from gripping the top of her laptop, and mine were starting to ache from grabbing the cushions for so long. Her nostrils flared slightly and she was violently chewing her bottom lip. If she didn't stop, her lip would be bloody and raw.

"Are you planning on leaving any skin on your bottom lip?" I asked under my breath.

"What?" she asked in a bitter tone, as she narrowed her eyes at me.

I slightly laughed, brought my hands up to my face, and wiped away the morning funk.

"Look, I'm sorry for going off on you about saying my old name. You didn't know. And I just don't know what to say about last night. I feel sick to my stomach for pulling my shotgun on you. Bella, please tell me what you're feeling?" I begged.

"Cullen, I don't know what I feel. I haven't known what or how to feel about you since I first met you. There have been times where I knew you were fucked up, and you didn't harm me. You were kind to me, like when you kissed me when you were high, or when we went to that hotel room together to get showers. However, last night scared the shit out of me.

"Then, there are those times when you haven't been entirely fucked up and you were still able to act like a regular human being. But last night….has made me confused," she said with a tremble in her voice.

I wiped my hands on my jeans and stood up. Bella looked up at me with worried eyes. I pointed to the empty space beside her and raised a brow in question. She looked over at the space and nodded. With ease, I sat down beside her feet, rested my elbows on the top of my knees, and looked over at her. My fingers clasped as my thumbs made a steeple.

Her emotions seemed calmer and her eyes had softened. I unclasped my left hand and turned it palm side up, offering it to her. Bella looked down and smiled gently, as she joined her small right hand into my left one. I stroked my thumb over the top of it in slow, careful strokes. She needed a kind of solace that only I was able to give her. With every ounce of comfort that Alice had given her, this relief was only something I could offer, since I had been the one to put her through that torment.

Small tears started rolling down her porcelain face. Bella wiped them away with the back of her left hand. I would have, but I didn't want to push the boundaries. She sniffled and looked back up at me with red-rimmed eyes. I felt my heart clench in my chest from knowing that I put that look in her eyes. Once again, I was left with the consternation of wondering why I cared so much. I lowered my gaze, breaking the connection that our eyes had formed. My mouth had set in a hard line and I felt my eyes harden as well. Being unsure of something always vexed me.

Yes, there was sexual tension between us, more than there should be. My soul was charred and tainted with vile memories of things that I do not regret doing. And at this moment in time I could not say I would ever stop doing them. That is another reason why whatever is going on between us needs to stop, but how do we do that? I'm not monogamous, never had a reason to be, so the concept is foreign and unappealing to me. Then there was my absolute devotion, adoration, deep carnal love for my Golden Girl. No one could compare.

Little, soft movements were being drawn on the top of my hand, pulling me out of my thoughts. Bella's normally brown eyes were simmering with a faint gold hue and had softened considerably around the edges. Her mouth was set in a half smile as her cheeks glistened from the stain of her tears.

"A penny for your thoughts?" she whispered timidly.

I huffed as I smiled crookedly at her and licked my lips.

"Whatever they are, I can assure you that you do not want to hear them. My mind is a dark place, Bella. I don't know what you saw yesterday or what you joined in on, but I don't make any excuses for what I do. I enjoy what I do. I won't make any promises because I will not stop doing what I do. I justify my desires to no one. And knowing that should make me leave you alone, but I still want to see what happens here."

Bella stared at me with an expression I wasn't sure how to read. What she asked next silenced me.

"Cullen, were you fucking some girl on top of a bunch of cases yesterday behind a bus? I think I saw you while we were sitting around drinking and smoking."

Pieces of yesterday were coming back to me, but everything after the show and me getting back on the bus was an abyss. Therefore, the notion of Bella catching me fucking some random girl wasn't entirely impossible.

"It might have happened. Events from yesterday are fuzzy, except for what happened after I came back to the bus after the show. But wait a minute, how fucked up did you get yesterday?" That had me curious.

"Let's just say I somewhat recall sitting around in my jean shorts and my bra, but I've forgotten how I got my shirt back or where it was. I do remember seeing you all perform and the lead singer of Godsmack eye-fucking me. But everything after the show is a complete mystery. But, I must confess something to you," she said, as her face turned red as an apple.

"It must be something big for you to be turning the color of a lobster," I teased.

"Well, um….I had a dream that we fucked all over the back lounge. I mean there wasn't an area our bodies didn't touch. Yet, at the same time, it felt real. Like it really happened," she murmured.

I raised my left brow as I slowly licked my bottom lip and smiled.

"What?" she squeaked.

"That must have been some dream."

I couldn't finish what I going to say because we heard a sudden shrill scream echo throughout the bus.

"WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT STICKY, GELATINOUS GUNK THAT IS HALF WAY DRIED ON THE SOFA?" Alice screamed.

Bella and I ran back to the lounge and found poor Alice wiping off her face with a look of total disgust. Emmett put down the guitar controller and went to inspect the material. Jasper walked over to Alice with a wet paper towel and began slowly cleaning her face. Carlisle looked over at me with a questioning smirk. I shrugged and shook my head. Bella went over to Alice to try to help.

"Holy shit….that better not be what I think it is. Who is the sick fuck that didn't clean up their cum?" Emmett asked in aggravation.

Carlisle looked at me and once again, I shrugged my shoulders. Alice's eyes rounded into two blue-green hazel saucers and her mouth turned down in disgust.

"Who the fuck did that? Whose cum did I have on my face?" she spoke in a tear filled voice.

Bella looked at me with her right brow raised and motioned with a nod for us to return to the front. Jasper told Bella he would care for Alice and that she could go.

When Bella came back, I was already sitting back down on the sofa, staring at the ceiling. She sat down next to me but didn't make eye contact, her eyes stayed on the floor. Several minutes passed before I could even think of anything to say. Was it possible that Bella's dream was real?

"Do you think your dream actually happened, Bella?" I whispered.

Bella cleared her throat and looked up at me. I met her eyes with a questioning glance.

"Like I said, the dream felt real. I did wake up sore last night when you were…out of it. My hips, legs, and groin area were sore, but I didn't think anything of it," she rasped.

Alice stalked down the hallway and threw something in my face. Her impish face snarled in anger.

"You little fuck! That's some nasty whore's boy shorts. At least she had the nerve to wear decent ones, since they are Victoria's Secret. That shit's disgusting, Cullen. I had your cum on my face."

Alice stared at me for another second or two before storming back down the hall. Jasper met her at the entrance of the lounge, looked down at me, and shook his head as I saw Jake lift his middle finger up in the air. That little shit was asking to get his ass kicked.

Bella sat with a stunned look on her face, her blinking eyelids being the only movement she made. I balled up the boy shorts and threw them on the floor at my feet.

"Cullen…those are my lavender boy shorts," she whispered harshly.

My head snapped at her words and gasped at what she was implying. The evidence was mounting and it pointed to us having had sex.

"Bella, please tell me you're on birth control."

"I have an IUD in. I have a feeling that a condom wasn't used if Alice woke up in a half dried cum stain."

"Bella, I make sure I wear a condom at all times when I fuck a girl. Maybe the cum dripped out of the condom, but if that didn't happen, I swear I am clean. I get tested every three months for everything," I assured her.

"Well Cullen, I know I'm clean. It's been awhile since I've had sex and that time was protected. So, what are we to do now?" she asked.

Honestly, there's nothing we could do about it. My only regret is that I don't recall any of it, but I'm not going to start purposely seducing her.

"Like I've been saying, Bella. Let whatever happens, happen. If promises start being made and I cannot…I don't want to ruin anything by making them. Let's just have fun and enjoy our time together over the summer."

I leaned over and wrapped my left arm around Bella's back, pulling her into my chest. She didn't hesitate or have any reservations, so I relaxed my arm more, pulled her in tighter, and placed a kiss on the top of her head. Her hair had the vanilla frosting smell, which drove my senses crazy. I would try my damnedest not to traumatize her again, she was…sweet, but was not as pure as she once was.

"Cullen, with as many chemicals you put in your body yesterday, is it possible that you could still be high right now?" Bella whispered.

"Well, I feel a slight haze, but it's nowhere near like the initial intake. I'm coherent enough. Why do you ask that?" I asked as I laid my cheek on her head.

"Just curious. Like I said before, the only drug I've ever done is pot."

"Let your curiosity stop right there," I scolded.

"Cullen, if I want to try something, I will. At least being with you all, I'll be in a somewhat controlled environment," she retorted.

"Wait a minute. Let's not dive into this head first. One…drug at a time, if you're actually insisting on experimenting. It's not like we're going to have scheduled drug sessions or anything. And why are we even discussing this?" I said as I scratched my head.

Bella looked up at me and laughed. It was as if we were talking about her trying out sushi for the first time. I shook my head and leaned it back on the sofa. Bella balled up against me with her arms wrapped around my waist and her head in my lap. My left hand was softly stroking her hair, which almost had a calming effect. We stayed in the same positions for a long while before my stomach started grumbling.

"I better go in the back and get my food, if Emmett hasn't eaten it yet. Do you want to come with me or you going to stay up here?" I asked.

"I think I'll stay up here and play Scrabble on Pogo."

I groaned.

"Go eat and once you're back, I'll set up a private table for us," she offered. I roughed up her hair, kissed the top of her head, and walked off towards the lounge.

* * *

**B.**

As I watched Cullen walk away towards the back of the bus, I sighed. He was trying to make something that was complicated uncomplicated. He was right, we had sex, and there's nothing we could do about it. I'm not going to lie and say I don't look forward to doing it again- and hopefully remember doing it. It also doesn't mean I have forgotten what he did with his shotgun, even though I know he wasn't mentally all there. That wasn't something I could easily push aside. Does that make me as fucked up as the rest of the group on this bus? I'm sure it does.

Alice had been a surprising comfort. She was sweet and too damn cute for words with her flipped layered brown hair, pixyish nose and pretty blue and green eyes. Just then, I remembered she was supposed to have left yesterday. I was going to have to ask her what happened. My dream from last night was still haunting my thoughts; I knew I could tell Alice about it and she wouldn't say a word to anyone.

Another sigh escaped my lips and I logged onto my account and went to the Scrabble game. While I was waiting for it to load, Jessica popped up on IM. She was my gossip girl.

"Hey, puddin' pop! How's life traveling with rock stars?"

"It's not that glamorous. Trust me. The taking a bath every two to three days isn't pretty."

"Ew! That's nasty, Bellsie."

"Anyway…Jessie. Do you know why Cullen doesn't go by Edward anymore?"

"Oh, wow…I haven't heard anyone call him that in years. I don't really know. The Cullen family are actually super private people."

I chewed on the inside of my right cheek before blowing out an aggravated breath.

"Oh well. How are things back in Forks?"

"Oh, you know, Forks is on the cutting edge of being the next big thing."

"Ah. Not missing much, then."

"Not really. Well, B. I have to get going. If you're on later, I'll IM you. Love you."

Jess signed off before I could say bye.

Just as the Scrabble game was about to load, Cullen came thundering down the hallway with a murderous stare. My breath caught midway up and I stopped moving. He fell down onto the empty space across from me and rested his face in his right hand. He was so wound up that I could see the pulse beating in the side of his neck and his chest rising and falling in hurried breaths. The muscles in his jaw were clenched and I could hear his back teeth grinding when he finally opened his eyes and looked over at me.

"I'm not mad at you," he flatly stated.

I closed my laptop and reached over to lay my hand on his bent left elbow.

"What happened back there? I didn't hear any commotion."

"Jake starting shit is all. He's assigned himself, I guess, as your bodyguard. Then my father told Jake to calm down, that you don't need a watchman. Carlisle stepped in before things escalated more than it already was. Jake's been a little shit as of late, which is not like him."

I remembered Jake telling me that he was keeping a secret from everyone. I wondered if the anxiety and frustration of keeping it was starting to bother him more.

"They didn't figure out it was me back there with you, did they?" I softly spoke.

"Oh no. If that was the case, my father would be up in my face. Like it's any of his business. We're two consenting adults," he whispered.

I didn't know why we were whispering, everyone in the back was occupied with Guitar Hero. I wish they would find another game to play. Cullen blew out a breath and clapped his hands together as if clearing the air of negativity.

"How about that game of Scrabble?" he said with a boyish grin.

I laughed and opened my laptop back up.

After several games of Scrabble, in which Cullen won all but one, we decided to join the others in the back. As we walked down the hall, Cullen nonchalantly took my hand, entwined my fingers with his, and held our clasped digits behind his back as we entered the lounge. I peeked over his back and noticed everyone shift their eyes toward us and then back to what they were doing. I pulled my fingers out of Cullen's hand without much resistance so I could walk over to Alice.

Alice looked up from the book she was reading, which was "Angels and Demons", and gave me her infectious, sugary smile. She placed her bookmark in the fold and closed the book, while opening her arms wide so I could sit inside her embrace. For someone so tiny, Alice was surprisingly strong. She crushed me into her little body. She placed tiny kisses on my hair and squeezed harder.

"Alice, could you please ease up on the squeezing? You're going to leave an imprint of me on your ribs," I mumbled.

"Oh shit, I'm sorry, B. I'm just so happy to see you." She wiggled closer to me and leaned into my ear.

"Have the both of you talked about what happened?" she whispered.

I looked into her eyes and nodded. Before it slipped my mind, I wanted to ask her what happened yesterday when Rose left and she didn't.

"Hey, Alice, yesterday I thought Rose and you had to leave to go back to work. Did something go wrong with your job?" I softly asked.

"Ah, I told my boss to shove the job up her ass. I got tired of dealing with girls in high school and pissy customers. Plus, I couldn't miss that start of Loxley Screws's summer tour. Rose was pissed that she had to go back, but she just bought a new BMW SUV and those payments are not cheap. But she just can't go for simplicity like an Accord or a Camry. So we're almost to Albuquerque, what would you like for us to do? We need a girl's day out."

Alice beamed.

I looked over at Carlisle and he was checking the schedule. He met my eyes and smiled.

"Bella, I have you down to work three hours, maybe four if you want to. I guess that leaves Alice and you with about two hours of shopping or whatever you girls do," he said with a quick laugh.

Alice clapped her hands and was squeeing.

"Why are you so happy about shopping with me?" I said cautiously.

"Bella, you're a cute girl with cute clothes, but we need to…um…add more _life _to your wardrobe. Don't worry; I won't make you look whorish. We'll leave that to the groupies."

I laughed and looked over at Cullen. He was talking to Jasper about something that was on a piece of paper. Sensing my stare, he looked up, licked his lips slowly, and winked at me with one of his grass green irises. I pulled my attention back to Alice who had grabbed her laptop and was searching for places to shop, in other words…a mall.

Jasper and Cullen were making out the song list and the others were occupied with their laptops, so I got up and went back to the front. I had a backpack up front with a change of work clothes in them. They were my usual- solid colored shirt and khaki shorts with white tennis shoes. Alice was right; my wardrobe outside of my work clothes needed sprucing up. I sighed and started self-deprecating over my plainness.

I slammed the backpack down onto the floor beside the sofa and tossed myself backwards, hitting the back of the sofa. My posture was horrible with the slouching, but I didn't care in that moment. I looked down at my toenails, saw they were still a pretty pink, and not chipped. At least I had that going for me.

Cullen walked back down the hallway with a crooked smile on his face carrying two bottles of Heineken, a baggy full of something white and a small tray. Why was he going to mix beer and sugar? He noticed my look of disgust and laughed.

"What's that face for? It's twisting around the prettiness of your face?" he smiled down at me.

"Why are you mixing beer and sugar? And I'm not pretty, I'm plain," I scowled.

"B, this isn't sugar. And yes, you are very pretty. You don't need to hide behind ten pounds of makeup to make yourself pretty. You're natural," he replied before he took a sip of beer and handed me the other one.

"Well, if that isn't sugar, then is it what I think it is?" I asked.

Cullen huffed and placed the baggy of powder between us on the sofa cushion with the tray.

"Yes, it's cocaine. I was going to do a few lines and I thought you might want to try just a tiny bit," he said cautiously as he looked up at me through his long eyelashes.

I held my breath and instantly felt butterflies in my stomach. My nerves tightened, but I knew he wouldn't give me too much. After what happened last night, after my dream…I couldn't stop myself from wanting to trust him.

I took a deep breath and nodded. Cullen grinned and took another sip of beer before setting it down on the floor next the sofa. He reached into his right jeans pocket, pulled out a covered razor blade and a piece of a plastic straw, and placed them next to the tray. I watched as he opened the baggy and emptied the powder onto the black tray into a pile.

He lightly shook the tray to thin out the pile of cocaine. Once he had it thinned out, he uncovered the blade and started chopping the powder into several thin lines. The last one he chopped up was about as small as the tip of my pinky finger. Cullen picked up the piece of plastic straw and handed it to me.

"You ready?" he asked with a raised brow, as his finger held down a nostril on his nose.


	11. Chapter 10 The Glow of the Flame

**A/N: These chapters have been re-beta'd. Thanks to adt216 and lambcullen. **

* * *

Chapter 10

"_I breathe and I drown in the circle of fire  
the glow of the flames  
And I embrace the demon-desire  
the glow of the flames in my eyes"_

_-'The Glow of the Flame,' Poisonblack_

B.

Albuquerque, New Mexico wasn't as hot as Phoenix had been, but it was still hotter than what I was used to. Luckily, I was inside the air-conditioned club in one of the smallest and dullest rooms I had ever been in, with its white walls and drab gray indoor/outdoor carpet. When Carlisle had seen how small the room was, he told me no massages past thirty minutes. He didn't want me cramped in the room for long periods of time without a break, but I could have massaged the entire band, crew and club employees.

Cullen had let me snort a small amount of coke after he had done his five lines. At first, I was apprehensive, but Cullen advised me to inhale slowly since I wasn't used to having anything up my nose. I expected a burning sensation in my nose and sinus cavity, but nothing like that happened. After about fifteen minutes had lapsed, an amazing euphoric feeling washed over me. A broad, toothy smile broke out over my face and I couldn't keep it off. I turned to Cullen and saw he had the same smile plastered on his face.

I felt good, happy, and giggly. And all I wanted to do was talk, to everyone about anything. Cullen and I walked back to the lounge, and the first thing I noticed was that everyone was happy and carrying on various conversations. Alice saw us walk in and squealed with enthusiasm as she jumped up and ran over to me. We caught each other in a firm embrace and squeezed. She said we were only thirty minutes from Albuquerque and it was only ten in the morning. Alice was beyond excited for our shopping adventure, as I was too. A movement caught the corner of my eye and my curiosity, so I looked around Alice and saw Emmett jumping around like he was on a pogo stick. He gazed over at me and I started laughing.

"Bellsie, Wellsie, Swellsie, Dwellsie, Tellsie, Mellsie," he rhymed off nonsense that matched my name with each jump.

"Emmett, what are you doing?" I rambled out.

My head was going up and down, following him, fascinated.

"I just had the urge to use your name for rhyming. Wow, I could jump forever."

Obviously, they had done coke as well. We were all extremely happy and hyper.

Even now, after just massaging Emmett for thirty minutes, I felt as if I had drunk fifty Mountain Dews. During each massage, the person and I were having incessant conversations that jumped from one topic to another. No topic was addressed more than once. In the back of my mind, I knew I shouldn't have been massaging anyone, but in that moment, I just didn't care. I wanted everyone to feel good because I felt good.

Cullen was my next appointment and I hadn't massaged him since Portland. I had fifteen minutes to breathe and relax in the soft glow of the candle that served as the only light in the small room. I wasn't tired from all of the massages, my energy was actually fine. The thought of him arriving soon made me overwhelmingly happy as I felt my heart rate speed up even faster than it already was.

I knew I would throw my arms around him once he walked in the room. He was going to be my sixth and last appointment that afternoon. I could have kept going, but Alice had the rest of our afternoon planned for the shopping trip. At the thought of shopping, I started bouncing from foot to foot.

Lost in my happy foot hopping, I didn't noticed that Cullen had walked in. As I turned around in my hopping, I saw him leaning the left side of his body against the door with a wide grin on his face. Not expecting to find him behind me, my hands flew to my mouth, muffling a small scream. My hopping stopped as I backed up in shock but recovered quickly once my brain realized it was Cullen. And just as I had predicted…I threw myself on him, wrapped my arms around his neck and hugged him as hard as I could.

Momentarily baffled, Cullen immediately followed my gesture and wrapped his arms around my lower back, hugging me tightly to match my intensity. His nose nuzzled the underside of my hair and I heard him breathe in, and moan low in his throat. I knew the vanilla plum shampoo and conditioner by Back to Basics was driving him slightly mad. If I could have purred like a cat, I would have, to show my elation.

My fingers found the nape of his neck. The skin was soft and pliant under my touch. I let my fingers find their way through the soft curls that formed there, his skin forming goose bumps as my fingers began to rake, comb, and tug his copper strands. I felt him shiver under my touch and heard his breath catch. A small innocent smile played upon my lips as they lightly brushed the junction of his neck and earlobe.

Cullen's hands balled into fists, clenching the hem of my shirt, tightening the front of it against my abdomen. His arms pressed harder into my ribs, making me whimper at the minor discomfort. His lips were just at the boundary of my left earlobe, and his slow ragged breathing was easing its way down my neck, making my skin feel warmer, making me feel warmer.

A sliver of wetness coasted down the edge of my left earlobe, briefly stopping at the tender point underneath the ear, and then painstakingly slow, Cullen slid the tip of his tongue down my neck. His embrace was tighter now, almost crushing me into his torso. My hands were still embedded at the nape of his neck, and I was trying to keep my nails from drawing blood. His unhurried descent of my neck was starting to unhinge every drop of my self-control. The hot air he was breathing drove the frenzy of the pulsating need that was brewing deep inside.

Parts of me wanted him to take as long as he desired, but the other parts wanted him to throw me down anywhere and have his way with me instantly. His lips replaced his tongue, lightly sucking my skin with each kiss that was just as slow as his tongue had been. I felt one hand press firmly into my sacrum, rubbing my belly against his erection. The other hand buried underneath my hair, pulling it off my neck. His fingers gripped at the root and slowly applied force, causing a moan to escape my lips.

Cullen whispered words that I couldn't make out against my collarbone as his lips felt like feathers gliding across. Our bodies bowed over from our embrace as he leaned down, making me arch back. We melded at every possible point. He slowly moved over to the right side as he pulled my hair, stretching my neck out in a long, graceful line.

The slits of my eyes saw the flicker of the candle flame dance like an indigenous tribe around a fire calling on their god for a blessing. A sudden sharp pressure jolted me from my trance, causing a groan to slip from my lips. His teeth nipped carefully at the tender skin of my awkwardly tattooing pulse.

Cullen's hand left my hair and journeyed like molasses down my back, meeting his other hand, and clasping together to form a hold so he could pick me up by my ass. His arms pressed into my thighs, signaling for me to wrap them around his hips. He helped support me by leaning us against the closed door. Once my legs were locked onto his hips, my eyes were level with his. The normally grass green were now a deep emerald with a shade of malachite around the pupils, a green fire hell bent on scorching every fiber of my being.

He barely parted his lips. He licked them slightly as his eyes roamed languidly over my face. His breathing had evened out, even though mine was still catching. He raised his left hand up to my face and brushed the stray strand of hair from my eyes, placing it behind my left ear. A smile played at the corners of his mouth, but vanished as quickly as it had appeared.

His eyes trailed to my lips and then back up to my eyes. He moved slowly to close the diminutive space that separated us, briefly pausing to crack a crooked smile. Lust and need consumed me, and when his lips touched mine, it was as if the fires of hell made me combust. I felt his tongue as it slowly drew over my bottom lip. I let him enter there, tasting, teasing him with my own tongue, the heat drawing up from the depths of my body and flaring out over my face.

A need, a want so raw surged into my mind, provoking my mouth to conquer his, as my fingers tight-fisted deeper into his hair, issuing a groan into my mouth. His vigor equaled mine. Cullen pressed my body harder into the door as I kept my legs wrapped around him. His hands were underneath my hair, drawing it away from my neck, clenched snugly in his fists. Our breathing was harsh, making us gasp between kisses. He pulled away with heavy lidded eyes of bottomless emerald water and perfectly red, swollen, full lips.

"Bella, slow down. There's no other place we have to be," Cullen whispered as he leaned back in towards my mouth, his lips feather light, as they brushed against mine.

"Cullen, I have my shopping date with Alice," I replied huskily.

He pulled back again; his brows pinched in deep lines as he searched my face with watery eyes to see if I had an expression that would offer him a different answer than the one given. I brought my left hand to his forehead, placed my thumb at the creases, and began slowly smoothing the lines away, as my fingers played with the wisps of hair at the hairline. He still looked at me as if what I said had hurt him.

"What is it?" I asked softly.

Cullen looked away, cleared his throat, and looked back at me.

"You would rush through this so you could spend time with Alice rather than us taking our time to enjoy each other in the bit of alone time that we've been given?" he asked as he swallowed and lowered his head.

I was taken aback by his reaction and words. Words were escaping me and the longer my silence passed by, the deeper the pain in his eyes became. I had to say something, so I uttered what came to mind.

"I didn't know you wanted this to be…special. I thought…I don't know what I was thinking, honestly," I quietly said.

Cullen looked at me, as tears were just about to brim over and smiled his crooked smile that I was starting to look for.

"Bella, like I said earlier, in the short amount of time you have been with us, you've become…important," he exhaled a sharp breath before continuing, "We…I…care for you. And after what I did to you, and with us not remembering the last time we…had sex. I just…I just thought we could take this time that was allotted for my massage and make it special for us. Thought we could take our time, enjoy one another and this time…this time, we remember it," he spoke with a soft honesty as he stared into my eyes with deep yearning.

I was lost in his words. They were echoing and drifting through my mind, like a sigh on a breeze. Something warm was streaming down each cheek and pooling on my lips, stinging a bit from being kissed raw. I focused my eyes back on Cullen's face, noticing his thumbs in the periphery carefully wiping away tears. A simple smile hovered above my lips, slowly, faintly brushing the line of my bottom lip. All the urgency, all of the hurried need vanished, succumbed to. I was waving my white flag, giving in to desired exploration.

My eyes closed, my body sighed with relief from tension I didn't know I had been holding, and I relinquished control over to him. Cullen became aware of my submission and lined my lips with his tongue, silently ordering my mouth to part. He went about claiming his territory as his tongue filled my mouth, starting a slow dance with mine.

Both of his hands left my face, traveled down the side of my body, taking note of the side swells of my breasts as he pushed further down the concaveness of my waist, giving a light squeeze on the curve of my slender hips before grouping back together underneath the roundness of my ass. I tightened my grip on my legs and my hold around his neck deepened as I sensed Cullen was getting ready to move us.

My senses were right. Deep in our slow burning, needful kiss, he lifted my body away from the door and walked us over to the massage table. I was grateful in that moment that my table held up to five hundred pounds. There wasn't much room, but we weren't giant people, so we had enough space as he gently laid me down first while his left arm never wavered from my back. Cullen splayed out his left hand for support, pulled up his left leg, and pressed his weight down on the table to lift himself on top of me, making sure he didn't add all of his weight onto my small frame.

So that he had enough space, I wiggled around to my left, hoping I didn't move too far over that I would fall off. Cullen laid his right hand on my abdomen; I looked up from glancing over the table and saw him shaking his head.

"What?" I idly asked.

He smiled coyly, raked his hand through his hair, replaced it back on my stomach, and shook his head.

"You didn't have to move over. I was fine with where you were. Besides, I'm going to be on top of you soon," Cullen smoothly crooned into my right ear.

He had moved his hand from my belly, up between my breasts, then to the left side of my neck before finding a home underneath my hair with his thumb pleasingly stroking my left cheek.

I slowly smiled as I took my bottom lip in, pulling at the supple skin with my teeth. His face was buried in the right side of my neck, kissing, licking, and nipping from behind my ear, down my neck and back up to my jaw. Music, I had forgotten about, filled in the comfortable silence. Sultry, sexy, and full of rhythm, acid jazz played in the background of the candle-illuminated room. And I now found myself entangled in the arms and legs of the man above me.

Once again, I was losing moments of time, unaware of when things had changed. He consumed me. Cullen was above me except for an arm or a leg. His left arm was pillowed under my head, giving me support as his other arm rested on my chest with his fingers placed upon my neck, his thumb subtly planted on my left cheek. Time held no importance to me; I couldn't care less what time it was or what else was planned for that day. All that mattered was…this man- his lips, his hands, and what other parts of his body would do to mine.

Our tongues caressed one another, I moaned deeply and Cullen pressed his hips into my groin area. He was hard…and he wanted me. I deepened the kiss as my left hand slid up to his hair and the other slid lower and rested on the curve of his hip, squeezing lightly. That elicited a groan from his throat and he secured a deeper hold on my body.

He parted from the kiss and pressed his forehead to mine, closing his eyes. His breathing was strong and even. The right hand moved from my face and rested open palmed over my heart. My lips were swollen, barely parted. I closed my eyes and waited for his lead. My heart was already racing from the cocaine earlier, but was faster still from the exhilaration of being with him.

"Your little heart feels like a hummingbird's wings. I am almost at a loss for words because of the way your heart beats like it does for me. I…I want you," Cullen whispered before swallowing harshly.

Our eyes met as I opened mine. Whatever he saw in them, made him kiss me with an urgency that was slow, hard and deep.

When we pulled away, we both gasped for air and Cullen lifted his head, looking down at me. His eyes drifted from my face and wandered down to my chest. Since his right hand was on my heart, he thumbed the single buttoned that was fastened and looked back up to me, as if asking for permission that he didn't need. I nodded with minuscule movement. Cullen smiled crookedly and devilishly narrowed his eyes.

Once the little, clear button was undone on my pale pink polo shirt, Cullen slithered his hand through the opening, his palm and fingers scorching my flesh. He widened the collar by flexing his fingers and hand, exposing the skin of my chest, and grabbed the lapel, moving it to the left. The swell of my left breast rose above the stretched fabric, drawing a hiss from his teeth as he caught sight of it.

Scalloped eyelet lace trimming of my baby pink bra framed my swelled breast, giving it an innocence that seemed to turn him on. He traced the edging scallop by scallop until he reached the limit of my shirt. Frustration lined his face as his mouth was set in a tight line making his full lips disappear and his eyebrows pinched in the middle of his forehead.

I smirked as I removed my hands from his body and placed them on the hem of my shirt. Cullen saw what I wanted to do and maneuvered around to sit up on his knees so I could have room to pull off my shirt. He didn't give me time to situate myself before his hands reached out for the hem. I looked up at him and almost glared but decided it wasn't the best idea when I saw his eyes. He was daring me to tell him to stop when he knew that was the last thing I wanted. I lowered my face and looked back up through my lashes, raising the right corner of my lips in a playful smile.

I raised my arms in the air, and for some reason, held my breath. His fingers balled the hem of my shirt and pulled up. Purposely, he skimmed the velvety skin of my stomach and waist, spreading goose bumps like wildfire, and sending chills up my spine that made me quake under his touch. The reaction brought about a devilish, seductive smile from Cullen.

The shirt landed with a soft humph on the floor, leaving my upper body mostly naked except for my baby pink and eyelet lace bra. Demurely, I looked down, licking my bottom lip, and stared down at the plane of bare skin of my soft belly. I was small, but soft with feminine curves in the right places, no hard muscles, or protruding ribs.

"Look at me, Bella," he softly commanded.

When my eyes traveled back to his face, his expression was soft with lips slightly parted, eyelids lowered a bit, and facial muscles relaxed. The candlelight danced along my body, the dimmed luminance offering more effeminacy. I silently sighed and welcomed his visual appreciation.

As he sat back on his heel, Cullen rested his hands on the tops of his thighs. He was still gazing at me and his eyes had widened as I was leaning back, putting my weight on my hands that were set behind me. In this position, my breasts were raised higher in the air. My breasts were soft, real, not large but enough to fill a man's hand. He lifted his right hand from his thigh and slowly moved towards me, never hesitating in his movement.

Heat flared above my heart on my skin when he placed his palm just above my left breast as his thumb grazed the edge of the lace. I sucked in a hard intake of air and raggedly, slowly blew it out. I looked down at his hand, up his arm and made my way further up.

It was at this moment that I finally noticed what he was wearing. The same jeans as before that were still hanging low on his hips, a form fitting black tank top that showed off his muscular chest and arms, and his black Docs. Finally, my eyes drifted to Cullen's face and saw a tiny smirk in the corner of his lips. He seemed pleased that I was taking him in and that my breathing kept catching midway.

My gaze remained on him as did his on me. He pressed his thumb into the supple, ample mound of my breast and slid it underneath the lace until the first joint of his thumb was completely covered. Applying just the right amount of pressure, Cullen moved his thumb from side to side, along the width of my breast, testing my reaction to his touch.

Pressure and tightness were building in my pelvic region as I felt my uterine walls clench in joyful agony. My breathing was deep and my eyes were closed as I was buried deep in the intimacy of him working his way slowly down to my pert nipple; my other breast was very anxious to be touched as well.

"Wouldn't it be fairer if you had your shirt off?" I asked in a rasping tone, sounding a bit like Demi Moore.

"Would you like me to take my shirt off?" Cullen playfully murmured.

A smile teased at the corner of my mouth as I spoke, "I wouldn't have asked if I didn't."

Cullen licked his lips, removed his right hand from my breast, balled the hem of his tank, and pulled it off. I wasn't sure where it landed but didn't really give a fuck because before me sat perfect alabaster flesh which stretched across etched and defined muscles, as if someone had taken a scalpel to soft white chocolate and carved perfection.

There were fading bruises all along both of his arms and I wondered what they were from. They were the only blemishes marring his skin; everywhere else was perfect. My stare roamed down to the thin line of coppery hair that sank below the waist of his jeans, and I moaned softly in my throat and bit the inside of my left cheek. I wanted to see more and I was sure he wanted the same.

I was going to take the initiative this time. I pushed up with my hands and sat up straight. After sitting up, I saw his hard-on in the front of his jeans. They were strained to their limit. My mouth started watering and I had to swallow the extra saliva or I would have drooled. I placed my hands in front of me, between my parted thighs, and measured his actions. He wasn't moving, only staring at me, waiting to see what I was going to do.

Scooting on my ass, I moved forward, closer to him. The heat from his body was rolling off in tsunami like waves, igniting a blaze of fire up my body. I was close enough to place both of my legs on either side of him, setting him between my thighs. He was still sitting back on his heels and his hands moved to the sides of my thighs, welcoming me into his personal space.

I breathed in deeply and exhaled slowly before reaching over to unbutton his jeans. He sensed my tension and began gently caressing my outer thighs over my shorts, trying to calm me. I took one last, deep breath and exhaled as I reached over, unfastened the metallic button, and began unzipping.

All of my tension disappeared, and I motioned for Cullen to sit up on his knees so I could pull the jeans down over his ass and hips. Showing me he wasn't wearing any underwear, his massive cock taunted me after it sprang free from the confines of the jeans. He had to move his legs around and sit flat on his ass so he could bend over and untie his Docs to remove his jeans.

Once he was fully nude, he sat back on his knees in front of me. I was in awe of his manhood. It curved upwards and tilted slightly to the left. It was perfectly pink and with no protruding veins. The last time I recalled seeing it was during his last massage but the sheets and blankets covered it. Even now, it was obviously massive in size. I was beginning to wonder if it would fit in me, but apparently, it had before, leaving me sore afterward.

His voice broke me from my musing, bringing me back into focus.

"What did you say? I'm sorry," I flustered as my cheeks burned and I was positive they were red.

Cullen softly snickered and sweetly brought his hands back to my thighs.

"There's nothing for you to be embarrassed about. I…like that you were admiring my cock. But, is it really fair that you now have more clothing on than me?" he said with a smile.

I returned the smile and replied, "I guess it's not. What shall we do about that?"

"Hmm, I don't know. I was thinking you could lay back and I would finish undressing you," Cullen answered.

My hands went behind me for stability and I eased back down onto the table. Cullen's hands easily stroked my thighs, and then began moving to the top of my shorts. They weren't the button up kind but had a sliding clasp fastener. He slid the clasp apart and began pulling down the zipper. The front of the shorts opened and exposed a small portion of my baby pink and eyelet laced boy shorts. His fists grabbed the sides of the shorts and the boy shorts together. He patted my hips with his forearms, I raised my ass up so he could slide both down to my feet, and then made quick work of removing my socks and shoes.

I unclasped my bra and threw it in the general direction of the other clothes. We were completely naked with nothing to hide. Cullen's hands were moving up and down my legs with a slow pass over my inner thighs as his thumbs skimmed over the bare skin. I gasped and whimpered each time his thumbs passed over, making my back arch as I bit my bottom lip. Thoughts of the Red Sea raced through my mind and I separated my legs wider, giving Cullen better access.

He looked up at me and I gave him a knowing smile while moving my hand lower. He followed my hand, his eyes widening when he saw that I parted my moist lips, slowly, softly massaging the sides before retreating up to my clit. The tip of my middle finger started moving slowly in circles, causing ecstatic sensations to radiate through my body. My rib cage was shuddering from my ragged breathing. Low mewling rolled up my throat. I knew I was going to come soon, but he stopped me before I released.

"Stop, please. I want to be the one who brings you to orgasm," his voice croaked.

He pushed my hand away lightly, leaving me aching for release. I gazed down the length of my body and saw I was swollen between my legs, entirely turned on. Movement at the end of the table drew my eyes up and saw Cullen kneeling at the end. He had gotten off the table and was now facing me at the end of the table.

"Move down towards me until your ass touches my chest," Cullen ordered.

I wiggled down until my ass cheeks bumped into his carved alabaster chest. He gripped my knees and pulled my legs apart. His neck was angled close to my right knee where he placed a chaste kiss, closing his eyes as he did. Warm air flowed from his nose and moved down my inner thigh, making the wetness seep out even more. I felt the wet, hot tip of his tongue singe my skin on contact as it moved delicately down the tender skin of my right thigh.

Soon the tongue was replaced with deep suctioning kisses that left a wet trail in their wake. Cullen roamed further towards his destination that was to be conquered. Whether the conquering would be rough or gentle, I was squirming from the anticipation. Or was it from the eagerness of wanting his lips, tongue and fingers in and on my pussy? The needing, the wanting was almost asphyxiating. Breathing was becoming hard to regulate as exquisite sensations pulsed through my nerves, catching in my throat, making me force air in and out.

My cries echoed off the walls once his mouth clamped onto my clit, holding it in the place where he wanted. His arms enclosed around my legs and pulled me in closer to his face, almost smothering his mouth and nose and giving me no wiggle room; I was trapped. His long fingers parted my lips, his tongue flicked out rapidly over the swollen bean, sending shockwaves rocketing throughout my central nervous system.

His full lips encased my clit, sucking easily, and at the same time still flicking his tongue. My sounds were no longer whimpers or moans, but near bellows. He deepened the suction, and captured the bean between his teeth and lightly nibbled on it, making me shriek like a trapped bird. My back arched up off the table, my toes curled under and my head bowed over with my mouth wide-open releasing animalistic sounds.

Cullen slowly moved away from my clit, stroking his tongue along the sides of my lips and grazing my opening. It was a sweet, tortuous prison of rolling waves of orgasms. My skin was pink from the rapid blood flow and my pussy and clit were swollen. His lips were locked over my opening, exploring with his tongue, lining the outside with the tip, which made my legs shake from the unexplainable pleasure that erupted.

"Cullen, please…fuck me," I moaned.

It was becoming too much and he was going to make me ride out another orgasm before giving me his cock. His tongue was deep inside me- curling and lapping. He fucked me senseless using his tongue, pushing in and out forcefully. He pulled my hips into his face, making me scream violently. He was relentless. Cum was pooling on the sheets below, oozing rapidly out of me.

Before I could catch my breath, he moved back to my clit, sucking it between his lips and shoved in two fingers, curling them upwards until he found my spot. With each suck, he pressed his fingers into the soft flesh and slowly picked up a rhythm. My free leg bowed up, digging my heel into the cushion of the massage table. My hands twisted in the sheets at my side as my whole body writhed in sweet agonizing rapture.  
Suddenly, out of nowhere, I was able to breathe again. It took a few inhales and exhales before my breathing calmed down. There was a warm fuzzy feeling all over and a soaring high. I closed my eyes and slowed my breathing even more. When I opened them again, Cullen was looming over me. I hadn't felt him climb back onto the table. He was looking at me intently, his green gaze boring holes into me.

"Everything okay?" I mumbled.

He closed his eyes and slowly nodded. His head moved down before he opened his eyes again. I followed his gaze and saw the head of his dick was right at my entrance, barely pressing down.

"Do you have any condoms with you?" I asked softly.

"Yes. It's in my left jean pocket," he answered before going on, "I …want to be with you without wearing one, since you have that…IUD in you. That's if you trust me, Bella."

I slowly sighed, closed my eyes, and nodded. I can't explain why I did, but I did. He breathed a sigh of relief and brought his hand up to my face. I opened my eyes and found him staring deeply at my eyes. Then I felt the head enter my opening, making me gasp at the sensation of being stretched wide, of being filled up. Little whimpers escaped my lips while I kept looking into his eyes. He watched me as he slowly entered me, looking for signs of discomfort and…for a connection that was deepening and that I couldn't explain.

When he couldn't go any further, Cullen didn't pull back, but instead he rested his weight on his elbows and brought his lips to mine. The kiss was chaste, soft and gentle. He looked back into my eyes and started pulling out, but not all the way before going back in. With each push, I met him. We were slow starting off, but with every push and pull, a rhythm was found, and became almost trancelike.

I was lost in the dance of our bodies grinding. Cullen was sitting up on his knees and had cuddled my body in the curve of his right arm, bowing my body. He leaned over and surrounded my right nipple with his mouth. He suckled, making me moan in between mews.

His hips rolled into me, slow, hard, and deep. My legs were lifted to his shoulders, with my feet loosely hanging over until he grabbed them by the ankle and spread my legs out as far as they would go. Everything was open, giving me a perfect view of watching him thrust in and out of me. I watched with fascination until Cullen grouped both legs with one arm and moved his left hand down to my clit. The pad of his thumb slowly circled, eliciting more pleasure than I had felt previously. He grasped my clit with his index finger and thumb, and started rolling it back and forth, causing me to pant harder and for to him thrust harder.

My body was in sensory overload, and there was no escaping it. I was bent in half with my feet now over my shoulder as he pressed down onto me, holding himself up by his arms. I didn't think he could go any deeper, but suddenly he was. Oh god, he was pounding into me so hard, and I was screaming with my head thrown back. The angle was much deeper, and he was going harder than before. I didn't care; I was in sheer ecstasy.

Cullen palmed my breasts, massaged them, and tweaked the nipples. I smiled up at him and he gave one back as he bent down and parted my lips with his tongue. He kissed me deeply while thrusting and rolling his hips. I felt abandoned when he pulled away and sat back up, lowering my legs back onto the table. He pulled out of me, leaving me feeling empty. I looked at him with my brows furrowed.

"I want you from behind. Turn around and get down onto all fours with your ass high in the air," he ordered.

I bit my bottom lip and did as I was told. My upper body was completely lying on the table with my lower half up off the table. It felt like a modified downward dog yoga position. I yelped when I felt Cullen's hand strike my ass cheek. He laughed as he nudged his knee between my legs to spread them apart. Every part of what made me female was completely visible to him, and he showed his appreciation by pushing in three of his fingers and curling them upwards to find that certain spot.

When he found my g-spot, I let out a shuddered sigh and ground my hips against his hand. He began pushing his hand as fast and hard as it could go, making me pant and scream like a banshee. I felt liquid coating his fingers as my orgasm erupted. I had lost count of how many he had given me, but he knew exactly what to do, and how to do it. I heard him suck his fingers before he placed his hands on my ass cheeks and buried his fingers into the soft flesh.

I held onto the sides of the massage table when I felt the head penetrate my opening again. I released a loud whimper, which became more frequent as soon as Cullen found his pace. This angle was deeper than the last. His pounding was harder as he held onto my hips, guiding them back and forth. He commanded my body and it took his orders very well. His rhythm had picked up faster and harder, almost bouncing my body off the table. We both sounded like animals in heat.

Cullen gave one last hard and deep thrust and I felt his cock spasm as he came inside me, I followed a second behind him for my last orgasm. Sweat rolled down my back and puddle in the creases of my neck. He had drops of it dripping from his messy hair that made him now look as if he'd been electrocuted. He bent over and placed a small kiss in the middle of my back before pulling out.

After he pulled out, I stretched out on my stomach and closed my eyes. My body felt heavy and I could have fallen asleep.

"B., do you have any towels in your bag for us to dry off with?" he asked softly.

I rolled onto my right side, facing him and nodded. There were actually two, and I needed one desperately in that moment. Remnants of him were beginning to seep out and slide down my inner thighs. It wasn't the most pleasant feeling. Cullen didn't take long to find them in my bag and threw one to me.

After I cleaned myself off, I watched him wipe the sweat off his body and try to make order of his hair, unsuccessfully. I was sure my hair looked like rolled hay, but there was a clip in my bag to pull it back with. Cullen walked over and offered his left hand so I could get up.

The carpet was rough beneath my feet and I stepped on the pile of our clothes that covered the floor from one wall to the other. My bra somehow had ended up hanging from the doorknob and my boy shorts were under the massage table. Cullen was dressed before I was, and as I was pulling my shorts back on, I felt his hands slide from my lower back to my hips, pulling me to him. I fastened the clasp on the shorts and turned around to face him.

I was greeted with a warm smile that reached the corners of his eyes. Cullen lowered his forehead onto mine, nudged my nose with his, and tilted my chin up with his right hand to meet his soft full lips. The kiss was soft, light, and nonsexual. His thumb and index finger joined with the rest of his fingers and moved to cup my jaw. His left hand was on my hip; he pulled me into his chest and moved around to encircle my lower back. My hands were gently gripping his biceps, my thumbs slowly grazing back and forth along the bulging muscle.

His lips deepened the kiss, enticing a moan from within my throat. We remained in the same momentum for a few more minutes before he slowly broke away. I slid my tongue along my bottom lip, savoring the taste that lingered on my lips, and opened up eyes to look at him. He returned the same warm smile as before.

"We better stop before we're naked again," Cullen softly warned.

He picked up my polo shirt and handed it to me. I pulled it over my head and slid my arms through the sleeves. He reached around and pulled my hair out of the collar. I walked over to my bag and pulled out a clip from a side pocket. The haywire mess was pulled back in a messy updo that would have to do for right now. When I turned back around, Cullen was leaning against the massage table.

He looked up at me and patted at the empty space beside him. I walked over and sat sideways facing him, with my leg bent into me. He looked the calmest I'd seen him since I'd been out on tour with them. I gave him a small smile and reached out to stroke the top of his hand. He gathered my hand into his and looked into my eyes.

"Thank you…for letting us have sex with no strings attached. I want us to have fun. As I've said before, I'm not going to make promises that I can't…or won't keep. I don't want you to think that you're just another piece of ass to me. You're not. I meant it when I said that you're important to me."

I looked at him, still stroking his hand, understanding what he meant. I wanted to see where everything would go and I didn't want any expectations, too.

"I understand what you're saying. I want to see where this all goes without any expectations. You're important to me also," I said back while smiling.

Cullen leaned over and kissed my forehead. He took my hand into his and gave it a soft squeeze before walking to the door. I walked behind him and waited as he reached for the knob. He turned around before opening the door and told me to enjoy my afternoon with Alice and he would see him later on that day. I stood on my tiptoes and placed a kiss on his cheek. Cullen turned around, opened the door, and walked out, shutting the door behind him.

As I was beginning to clean up the room, I heard a loud thud against the wall and scuffling outside with loud voices shouting.

"YOU MOTHERFUCKER! YOU STAY THE FUCK AWAY FROM HER!"

Something or someone was slammed against the door violently, preventing me from opening it and finding out what was going on.


	12. Chapter 11 With Her I Die

**A/N: ****Now that's been said, I want to talk about something. When, there's no point in saying if because I know it's going to happen, but when this story is reported, I went ahead and set up THREE different homes for this story. It's been on Twilighted for awhile now, but the other two homes are The Writer's Coffee Shop and my blogger acct. All 3 addresses are IN MY PROFILE. So, when the time comes, go there and choose whichever place you to go to.**

**I hope you all will follow to one of the three places. **

**THIS CHAPTER CONTAINS DIFFICULT MATERIAL TOWARDS THE END. I'M JUST WARNING EVERYONE.**

**Thanks to adt216 and lambcullen.**

**This is the last of the re-beta'd chapters.  
**

* * *

Chapter 11

"_Her sharpened nails in my flesh make me crave for more  
Her chilling cold caress makes me feel so warm  
She's my addiction, the one... the one I love, my whore  
She's my redemption, the one... the one I hate and adore  
And with her I die  
And for her I die  
She's my mistress of pain  
I burn in flames of lust... I covet, I crave, I desire  
In her I lay all my trust as the flames grow higher  
She's my addiction, the one...the one I love, my whore  
She's my redemption, the one... the one I hate and adore  
And with her I die  
And for her I die  
and therefore I sigh, she's my mistress of pain"-With Her I Die, Poisonblack_

E. (Cullen)

As soon as I closed the door to Bella's room, Jake launched his fucking fist into my right shoulder blade, screaming at me to stay away from Bella. He charged quickly like a bull and slammed me into the wall. Like a match to gasoline, my anger ignited. Without any hesitation, I raised my right elbow and connected with the right side of Jake's face. I whirled around, grabbed him by the collar of his shirt, threw him against the wall and crossed punched him with my left fist.

Jake's head slammed back against the concrete wall as his mouth started to fill up with blood. He looked at me venomously, while spitting out blood. In mere seconds, he pounced forward, trying to land his left hook into my mouth, but I counteracted by spearing him into the closed door. I lowered my head into Jake's chest and leaned in, making sure he couldn't raise his knees. I started punching him in the stomach as he was trying to punch my back, but my punches were harder and quicker. With each hit to the stomach, I heard and felt air leaving his lungs, making him grunt in pain.

Loud, deep voices were yelling down the corridor and thunderous, booming footsteps echoed off the walls, which meant Emmett and my father were on their way. Until one of them pried me off this fucker, I was going to continue my assault. Before they came closer, I lifted my left forearm and pinned it under Jake's chin, pressing it into his throat. I reared my right arm back and sent it crashing into the center of Jake's face, busting both lips and his nose. Blood poured out everywhere.

"I think Bella can decide for herself what she wants," I snarled through clenched teeth.

Emmett's large hand came into view and gripped the front of Jake's shirt as our father pulled the back of mine, snatching me away from Jake's throat. Loud, rapid knocking came from the door behind Jake. Emmett moved him aside and Bella swung the door open, almost hitting me in the face. Her eyes were wide and her nostrils flared with her mouth set in a tight line.

"What the fuck is going on out here?" she seethed.

"That's what I would like to know?" Carlisle sneered.

Jake spat blood out of his mouth and wiped away the red current from his mouth and nose, wincing as he did it.

"Cullen, why don't you tell your dad what you both were doing in that room when you were supposed to be getting a massage? I heard everything, not like I could help it," Jake grumbled.

Carlisle looked at me in question. I was trying to catch my breath. I looked over to Bella, who was now standing in the middle of us with her hands on her hips, shaking her head.

"Jake, it's none of anyone's business what I was doing in that room or with whom," Bella replied as she turned around to him.

"Bella, you don't know him. If you had any intelligence, you wouldn't fuck him anymore. He already has you trying coke. Let's just say coke isn't the only shit he does," Jake looked over at me and smirked.

The fucker pushed another button of mine, and I jumped with a fist ready to rock his head back again into the wall. Carlisle's arms wrapped around my torso and flung me to the opposing wall.

"All of you! STOP!" Bella screamed.

We all stopped and turned our attention to her. She looked down at the floor, biting her bottom lip with her eyes closed. Slowly, she looked back up and walked over to Jake, stepping within centimeters of his face. Bella extended her index finger and pressed it into his chin.

"Listen to me and listen to me good, Jake. I will fuck whomever I want to fuck. I will do whatever drug I want to do and I will associate myself with whomever I want. I don't need a fucking bodyguard or a goddamn babysitter. I haven't seen you in years, so you have no right to act like this. Have I made myself clear?" she angrily whispered, but we all still heard her.

Jake swallowed hard and glared at her before answering.

"Crystal," he stated.

Bella turned back around to me, stared for a few seconds, and walked back into her room, closing the door behind her. I was left wondering if she was angry with me. Emmett looked at me and then at Jake. He removed his grasp from Jake's shirt and shoved him, telling him to get his ass moving. I watched as Jake passed me. He looked straight ahead and didn't bother looking at me. I saw Carlisle from my periphery motion at Emmett to leave us alone. Emmett nodded his head, walked over to me, and patted my shoulder as he shook his head. I waited until I couldn't hear any other departing footsteps before stepping away from the wall.

I turned around to Carlisle and nodded for him to follow me. He motioned for me to go ahead, so I did. Our footsteps sounded like a military cadence stepping down the empty back hallway of the club we were playing. We didn't speak, that could wait until we were at the bar with drinks sitting in front of us.

The club we were at was The Launchpad. It was located on the historic Route 66 in downtown Albuquerque. It had two stories and everything was black. Its stage was a decent size and the sound system was one of the best I've heard. My father and I sat our asses on the stools at the bar. One of the club's few day workers walked over to us and asked what we wanted. I ordered a rum and coke, and Carlisle got a gin and tonic.

After the bartender served us and went back to stocking the cabinets behind the bar, Carlisle took a sip of his drink and looked over at me. I set my drink down and crossed my arms as I looked over at him.

"So, what happened in that room?" he calmly asked.

I looked above and over, noticing white and red string lights, like the ones you hang up for the holidays. It was dim enough in the club that they showed up. A long aggravated sigh escaped my lips and I rubbed my eyes with the heel of my left hand. I laid my arm back down on the one that was already on the bar, feeling aches starting to set in and a headache creeping up.

"Dad…we had sex. That's what happened," I hoarsely answered.

He nodded his head as he licked his lips, removing the remnants of his drink. Carlisle crooked his right arm on top of the bar and turned on his stool to face me, placing his left hand on his thigh. I cocked a brow up and waited.

"Son…I've hardly ever meddled in…your intimate life, but please be careful with her. Please keep in mind who her father is."

I huffed as I picked up my rum and coke and took a long sip. The glass made a thud when I set it back down. I smirked at my father as I turned half way in my seat to face him. We stared at each other for a second or two before we laughed at one another.

"Dad, I've told her to not have any expectations. I will not make any promises, vows…, or any kind of declaration of attachment, not knowing if I could keep my word. But I'm not going to lie and say she's not important, because she is," I stated matter-of-factly.

"Well, it sounds like you know what you're doing. Oh, before I forget, I cancelled the show in Amarillo. I found out the club that was booked is a country line-dancing bar. But Dallas is still on."

I down cast my eyes and cursed under my breath. I was hoping I would get a hook up in Amarillo for more Golden Girl, which reminded me that I needed to call Victoria, my connection in Dallas. I downed the rest of my drink, patted my father on the shoulder, and told him that I had a few phone calls to make.

While on my way out the back of club towards the bus to get my phone, I passed Bella who was with John, the drum tech. He was helping her with her massage equipment. I stopped and turned around. Bella looked up from picking up her bag and gave me a gentle smile.

"Would you like more help?" I asked.

She shook her head and smiled more. "No, I think John and I have it."

I waved goodbye and turned to walk out.

When I got back on the bus, Jake was laying on the couch across from Bella's couch. She had unknowingly taken possession of the other couch, as her belongings never left it. A cold pack covered part of his nose and mouth, and bruises were already visible on his neck. The right corner of my top lip lifted in a snarl as I passed by him. I walked down the hall to the back lounge where I had left my phone laying on the table back there.

As I entered, Alice was deep in concentration with something on her laptop screen. I sat down at the booth, picked my phone up, and started scrolling through my contacts. With Vic's name starting with a "V," she was going to be at the bottom, but then I remembered the search box. That shit made scrolling easier. Right as I was about to hit send, Alice looked up from the computer screen, giving me a smile.

"Cullen, I just wanted you to know that I don't think it was right for Jake to jump you like he did. Bella is a bit naïve, but she's not stupid. So, there was no reason for Jake to act the way he did," Alice said nicely.

"Thanks, Alice. He's been starting shit the past few days. Hopefully he's learned his goddamn lesson," I replied dryly.

Victoria's number remained highlighted, but I knew I wouldn't get any privacy on the fucking bus. I said bye to Alice and walked back up front. Fuckhead was still lying on the couch when I passed by. I shook my head and walked out the bus.

There was nothing to see from the club's parking lot, so I walked around front. I needed a café or a coffee shop. There was nothing in the immediate vicinity, so I walked a couple of blocks before coming across Lindy's Coffee Shop. It wasn't a Starbucks, but it would do.

The outside was a peachy pink with dark green trimmings and borders.

"Lindy's" in bright red letters hung above the door. The place still had its old school charm as it was built in the late twenties, from the sign outside read. An older man was walking out and noticed I was about to walk in, so he held the door open for me. I thanked him and walked in. I wanted a secluded place in a corner and found a deserted booth in the far back.

When I sat down, the hostess placed a menu in front of me. When the waitress came over, I ordered a black coffee and the huevos rancheros, which were red and green chili topped with cheese with two fried eggs underneath. Once she walked away, I pressed send. As I waited for Vic to pick up, I started getting pains in my legs that felt like cramps. I stretched them out under the table, but that didn't soothe the pain.

Vic finally answered after six rings.

"Hey, big man, how are you?" she purred in my ear over the phone.

I smiled as I chuckled into the phone. "I'm fine for the moment, but I need a favor, Little Momma."

"What can I DO for you?" she drawled in her Texan twang.

"Well, I'm going to be in Dallas in a couple of days and I was wondering if you could hook me up with some Golden Girl?"

There was silence on the line. I didn't even hear her breathing.

"Vic, are you still there?" I worriedly asked.

"Uh, yeah…Cullen, I am. Listen, sweetie, Aro told me that your father has put a lockdown on you, so there's nothing I can do. I'm sorry."

I was seething and saw nothing but red. I balled my hand into a fist and wanted nothing more in that moment than to punch a fuckin wall…or my father's face. That fucker was going to push my limit; I knew it. I told Vic that it was okay. She said she thought about coming to the Dallas show but decided against it.

I slammed my phone down on the table, which earned a few concerned looks from nearby customers. From how pissed off I was, it felt as if my heart was in my throat and my breathing was fast and ragged. My old man was going to push it until Dallas or maybe even further. I knew my father had the shit stashed in his safe, but there were countless possible combinations to the damn thing.

I ate my food in haste, paid the bill and left. The heat outside made my anger worse, adding more fuel to the fire. This day was turning out to be fucked up. By the time, I returned to the bus, I was drenched in sweat. The cramping pain had stopped, but an ache had started in my muscles and bones. It was as if I had a mild case of the flu, but I had no other symptoms. My headache that was brewing earlier was now gaining strength.

Cool air from inside the bus accosted me once I stepped on. My wife beater and jeans were stuck to my body and my feet were slipping around in my Docs, so I dropped down onto Bella's couch and stripped everything off. As the cold air washed over my naked body, I sighed with relief. I saw Bella's backpack at the end of the couch near my feet. Either she was in the back or she had gone with Alice. I was betting on the latter.

When I finally cooled down, I looked around and listened. There wasn't anyone else on the bus. Jake was gone from his perch on the opposing couch. I smiled and ran my hands through my sweat soaked hair, relishing in the fact that I was alone. My mouth felt like Death Valley, so I got up and walked back towards the lounge.

Between my raging headache and muscle aches, I needed some damn Tylenol. I looked in the fridge for a beer but saw that it was barren except for a Pepsi or two. I scowled at the thought of drinking that shit, I preferred Coke. The pharmacy drawer was next to the fridge and was stocked with antacids, Midol, sinus and allergy meds and Tylenol Extra Strength. I popped out two of the Tylenol and washed them back with the Pepsi.

After taking a few swallows of the nasty Pepsi, I walked over the couch where Alice had her shit sprawled out. I carefully moved her stuff over to a corner so I could sit back and relax. In amongst her things was the remote to the TV. I threw myself onto the couch, stretched my legs out, and leaned back on the arm as I turned on the TV.

From what I saw while scanning the guide, nothing appeared to be on until I got to the movie channels and saw 300 was on. I loved that goddamn movie. Unfortunately, it was already halfway over with, but I still watched it. Queen Gorgo was hot as fuck, and my dick hardened at the sight of her. I would have loved to fuck her from behind as Leonidas did. Towards the end of the movie, I felt my eyes grow heavy. I was worn the fuck out, my aches had dulled enough that I could get some sleep, so I turned off the TV and drifted off to sleep.

Next thing I knew, a loud continuous beep kept going off every few seconds or so, rousing me from my sleep. It was coming from somewhere in the lounge and the fucking thing was loud. I got up from the couch, scratched my balls, and searched around the room. On the table was someone's cell. Another beep sounded off then, so I walked over and opened the damn phone. It was Bella's cell and the text was from Mike. Who the fuck was Mike?

B.

After Cullen left through the back of the club, John helped me out to the bus so we could store the massage table and linens under the bus. Just as we walked outside, I saw Cullen leave the bus and walk off towards town. I furrowed my brows and grimaced. Oh well. I had my plans with Alice soon, but I was still a bit jumpy from the coke, the sex with Cullen, and the confrontation with Jake.

John said he would load everything up for me so I could get into the coolness of the bus. I gave him a hug and was about to walk off when John called my name.

"Yes, John," I answered.

"One of Jake's friends, Embry I think, is coming in from Forks to be Emmett's and Jasper's bass and guitar tech. I don't know if you know him or not, being from the same area and all."

"Thanks, John. I know Embry somewhat. He's from the same reservation as Jacob in La Push."

I gave John one last smile and walked towards the bus door.

Once on, I sighed in relief from the cold air. I walked to the couch where I kept all my shit and saw Jake on the other one with a cold pack on his face. He appeared to be sleeping, so I tried to make as little noise as possible. I placed my backpack on the end of the couch and walked towards the lounge. When I walked in the lounge, I saw Alice on her laptop. She looked up at me and smiled a huge grin.

"Bellsie, do I have a shopping trip planned for us," she beamed up at me.

I laughed and sat down next to her.

"So what torture are you going to be putting me through?"

"B., it's not going to be torture. Trust me. Oh, Rose emailed and said she would be back out before the fourth of July," Alice squeaked with excitement.

Rose didn't treat me badly, but she was standoffish towards me, so it didn't affect me any to have her here or not. With nervous energy coursing through me, I started tapping my right foot. Alice reached over and grabbed my leg.

"Bella, are you that nervous about shopping?"

"No, I'm just jumpy is all."

Alice chewed on the inside of her mouth for a moment before looking back at me.

"Did Cullen give you a joint to calm you down?"

"No, he didn't. Was he supposed to?"

"Yes, I told him to give you one so you wouldn't be bouncing around everywhere while we're shopping. Damn him."

She reached over to her bag behind me and pulled out a small joint and a lighter. Placing it up to her lips, Alice flicked the lighter and a flame shot up, startling me. She lit the end of it and inhaled, causing the tip to burn orange. After Alice took a hit, I reached over and took it from her offering hand. I took several shallow drags off it and passed it back over to Alice. She waved her hands and shook her head.

"I smoked one earlier with Cullen, Jasper, and Emmett. I'm fine. That's all for you, sweetie."

I smiled and continued smoking the joint. Looking down at my phone, I saw it was a quarter past two. It had been a few minutes since I had finished the joint and I was starting to feel the effects. I no longer felt an urge to tap my foot or constantly talk. I felt mellow and a bit more in control.

"Thank you for that, Alice. I really needed it."

She smiled and said, "No problem."

"So where are we going shopping at?" I smiled up at her.

"I thought you would never ask. It's at a mall called Coronado Center that's not too far from here. We're going to have to take the Interstate."

Alice noticed my puzzlement and answered my internal question.

"I rented a car for the day. It's parked to the right of the bus." She said as she continued to stare at the laptop screen.

Curiosity struck me, so I got up to go look out the window. When I saw what we would be driving in, I gasped in disappointment. Alice heard me and looked up.

"What?"

"Alice, it's a white Ford Focus. I thought you would have gotten something…nicer."

"B., it was either that or a minivan. I almost opted for the minivan for all the shopping bags, but Jasper said no, reminding me of the limited space we have on the bus."

"Thank God for Jasper then. I don't need too many pieces of clothing, Alice."

"I know, Bella. We just need to get you something that is spicier, is all."

I sighed.

"Bella, I will show you everything for your seal of approval first."

I laughed and sat back down next to her, but not for long.

"Well, are you ready?" Alice chirped at she closed her laptop and sprung up from the couch, placing the computer where she had been sitting.

"As ready as I ever will be."

Alice chuckled, grabbed her purse with the rental keys, and pulled me by my left hand.

* * *

Luckily, Alice was able to find a parking space close to the main entrance of the Coronado Center. It was the chalky, whitish gray that most malls were, but there was ivy growing everywhere upon its walls. The main entrance formed a perfect right angle with the left side saying "Coronado" and a sun logo on the right side. There were the customary benches and plants out front. From what Alice said, the concrete beast was home to one hundred and fifty stores. I thought Alice was going to have massive multiple orgasms from that one fact alone.

I grabbed the one small handbag that I brought with me and opened up the passenger door. The little white Focus wasn't _that_ bad. Alice skipped over to me with a grin plastered on her little elfin face and held out her hand, waiting for me to clasp it with mine. Her jovial attitude was infectious. Before I knew it, my face stretched as far as it could go with a mirroring smile as I slipped my hand into hers.

The food court was the first thing we came to when we walked through the entrance, which made my stomach growl. Alice looked over at me and giggled.

"Hungry are we?" she said, as she cocked a brow at me.

"Yes. I'm starving."

I looked around at the various eateries and noted a Sbarro's pizza slice sounded like heaven.

"How about we get a slice of Sbarro pizza?" I nodded to Alice.

"Oh shit, that does sound good. I haven't had their pizza in forever."

We walked over to Sbarro and looked at the pizzas they had under the heat lamps. The grease floating on top of the cheese should have turned me off, but it only made me hungrier. I asked the teenage boy behind the counter to heat up two slices of the pepperoni for me, which drew a questionable look from Alice, who only ordered one slice of the cheese pizza. After the slices reheated, Alice walked up and handed over a twenty-dollar bill. I sighed in irritation.

"Look, Bella, it's just lunch. Deal with it, okay" Alice reprimanded me.

I rolled my eyes and gave up. It was a lost cause to try to argue with her.

We sat at a little two-seat table not far from the main part of the mall. Alice ate half of her pizza before she looked over at me and started a conversation.

"So, Bella, which stores do you want to check out? I want to hit Buckle and Caché."

Alice sounded too enthusiastic, and I had never heard of those stores. I usually shopped at Ross Dress for Less or Wal Mart. Charlie didn't make much as a cop and I made very little working at the sporting goods store in Forks. The thought of going into these stores gave me a nervous feeling in my stomach; it made me not want to finish my pizza.

Alice noticed my concern as it must have shown on my face. She knitted her brows and tilted her head to one side. I sighed and threw my napkin down.

"Alice, I don't normally shop in a mall for my clothing. It is common knowledge that clothes from the mall aren't exactly Wal Mart prices."

She dropped her pizza and threw her hands up to her face in shock.

"Oh Bella, I'm so sorry! There are stores in here that are close to Wal Mart prices. There's Charlotte Russe, Rave, and I think 5-7-9."

"Alice, you're going to have to just take me to those stores. And what is 5-7-9?"

"All these clothes in 5-7-9 are one of those sizes."

"Alice, I'm not as small as you are, but I still can't wear any of those sizes. I can wear a five in some brands but not all. I'm generally a three or a four."

"Bella, can't you just give that store a chance? You may be able to wear their fives."

"Okay, I'll give them a chance."

"Also, I want to hit up Victoria's Secret and Hot Topic to see if they have anything good. Hot Topic has been kind of hit and miss as of recent years. They used to be really good. You can get good band shirts there."

I luckily finished both slices of my pizza; I wanted to get this shopping trip over.

I knew better than to ask Alice if she was ready. She was already standing up with her tray in hand looking down at me, waiting. I smiled and gathered up my tray. After we disposed of our trash and trays, we walked over to the mall map to look for the stores that we wanted to visit. It seemed the stores we wanted were in zone B but were either on the upper or lower level. I'm sure there were escalators to help with that.

"Alice, I just want to get some new shorts, tanks, a summer dress or two and more bras and panties."

I had limited space and I couldn't afford to go all out. Alice nodded and turned to me.

"Okay, it appears most of the stores we want are upstairs but there are a few downstairs, namely Buckle, Hot Topic and 5-7-9. And it appears they have a Frederick's of Hollywood store. If you know what I mean, Bellsie."

I didn't know what she meant and shrugged my shoulders.

"B., they have _very_ sexy bras and panties. More risqué."

Risqué. That's something that never crossed my mind.

"Alice, don't make me look like white trash, please."

Alice's face twisted in a look of horror, as she placed her hands on the tops of my arms, and leaned into my face.

"Bella, I would _never_ let you walk around looking like white trash. You're not Jane, for fuck's sake."

I laughed at her remark.

"Now, let's go and have fun."

She grabbed my right hand and steered me in the direction of the stores.

The little imp pulled me into Hot Topic first. I was astonished at the idea that Alice thought I would wear _any_ of the clothing here. She caught onto my skepticism, but it didn't stop her from yanking articles of clothing off the racks. I didn't even notice what she chose. Within a time span of what felt like ten minutes, Alice was done and motioned for me to meet her at the back of the store at the dressing rooms.

When I approached the dressing room, Alice was already waiting inside.

"Alice, you're staying in here with me?" I asked shyly.

"Bella, we have the same parts. It's no big deal."

It would have been a mutiny if I had argued, so I let it go.

"Here, try this faux leather vest."

She handed me the vest and I eyed it with uncertainty. It was dark gray with overall suspender to hold it up. I turned it around saw it bunched in the back where the bottom of the suspender ended. There were three little silver buttons up front to close it around my breasts. I pulled my pink polo off, leaving my pink and eyelet lace bra on. I unbuttoned the three buttons to open it up and I slipped it on. Once the vest was buttoned, I turned around to face the mirror and gasped. It was very cute. A small grin crept across my lips.

"I see that little smile. Do you like it?" Alice chirped.

"Yes, actually I do. But I can't wear it like I am now."

"No, that's too tacky. Either you can wear a convertible bra with it, without anything else, or we can pick out a black fishnet shirt to go over a black bra to wear under also. Either way would be cute. Here's the skirt that we can pair with it."

The skirt was black and white plaid, with a faux black belt with grommet and chain accents. I slipped off my bottoms, slid the skirt up my legs, and over my hips as Alice walked around to zip up the back. She walked back over and brought back little black cowboy boots that were ankle length with zipper accents. When I had the boots on, and looked at the whole outfit, I didn't recognize the person in the mirror. The clothes weren't anything I would have picked out for myself, but they looked good on me.

I looked over at Alice, gave her a smile, and reached my arms out to hug her. She met my embrace and patted my back.

"Alice, this is really cute and definitely more edgy. I won't stand out so much now," I gushed.

"Well, Bella, we have more to try on. Take those off and let's move on."

I removed the clothes and boots, standing momentarily in my bra and boy shorts. She handed me a black corset that has sheer cap sleeves, a red panel in the center with black lace overlay, lace-up detailing near the breasts and a back zip closure. It was very girly, but still fit the look Alice was giving me. I tried on the black skinny jeans she handed me with that had little black pyramid studs under the pocket and across the belt area. I saw little red ballet flats with slew of studs across the top of them. Alice smiled at me and nodded, confirming that they went with the outfit.

Once again, I loved the whole outfit.

"Alice, I wouldn't have even gone into this store, and if I had, I would have been lost. Thank you."

"No problem, sweetie. Now, I have a third and final outfit."

I removed the clothes and carefully placed them next to the others. Alice handed me a black bustier that had bows and horizontal ribbon detailing with a matching black thong. I didn't try the thong on. Alice helped me with getting the damn thing on. It had a hook n' eye closure, so she said.

"The garters are detachable, so you have that option," she informed, as she reached down the front of the bustier and arranged my tits in the right place.

If it had been anyone else, I would have slapped them.

"So what else am I wearing with this?" I asked as I removed the garters.

Without saying a word, she handed me a fishnet shirt that had a scoop neck with three quarter sleeves. I pulled it on and it sat below my tits with the top of the bustier peeking over. I bent down and picked up a distressed denim skirt that had rips, stitching and paint splatters with round studs that lined the pockets. I slipped it on and it sat directly on my hips. The length was just above mid thigh.

Alice handed me heels that looked too high but were very cute. They were a small black, white, and red plaid with an allover black flocked filigree pattern and black vinyl cutout detailing. There was an inch and a half wide Mary Jane strap and had a silver toned skeleton key that dangled from the top of the heel.

"Alice, this outfit is so far my favorite, even though I like all the clothes."

Alice danced around the dressing room before stopping to hug me. As I was trying on these clothes I looked at the price tags, and I knew I couldn't afford any of them. My face betrayed my sullenness. Alice stopped her happy dancing and stared at me.

"Bella, what's wrong?" she mumbled.

"Alice, I can't afford all this," I said, as I was on the verge of tears.

"Bellsie, don't worry about it. It will all be taken care of."

"You are not buying all this. I repeat, you are not buying any of this," I ordered, placing my hands on my hips.

Alice sighed and looked up at me.

"Bella, Carlisle told me not to tell you, but this shopping trip was actually his idea. He told me to take you shopping and let you get whatever you wanted. So, please, don't worry."

I nodded as I began taking the clothes off.

Alice only bought a pair of boots for herself, and the rest was mine.

After leaving Hot Topic, we headed towards the escalator to go upstairs. I snapped my head over to Alice, who noticed my reaction.

"I want to go upstairs to the other stores, Charlotte Russe, Fredericks of Hollywood, and Victoria's Secret. I just looked at my cell and we need to pick up the speed just a bit. I want to get back in enough time for us to get ready for the show tonight."

I nodded in agreement. I just wanted this excursion to be done.

I visited Frederick, Victoria and Charlotte. Frederick gave me sexiness. Victoria gave me class and sensuality, while Charlotte made me pretty, girly and soft. Alice was like a pint size tornado in each one. She left me dizzy and barely able to keep up.

As we walked out to the little white Ford Focus laden with shopping bags, I saw that the sky had gone from bright blue to pale lavender in the late spring evening. I had no idea we were in the mall for that long. Alice was biting her lip as the trunk of the car popped open. We placed our bags in the trunk. She slung the remaining bags she had left in the backseat and slammed the door. Before I could even get in the car, Alice was already in and had it started.

Once I was in, I placed my purse on the floorboard between my legs and looked over at Alice. Her teeth were still assaulting her bottom lip as she knitted her perfectly waxed eyebrows together. I sat there thinking, trying to recall if I had said anything that upset her, but I drew a blank.

"Alice, did I say something to upset you?" I quietly asked.

"No, B., you didn't. I just want to get back to the bus so we can try to make ourselves presentable tonight. We spent way too much time in those stores," she replied.

"You sure we're going to have room for all that stuff?"

"I'll make room. Don't you worry about that."

Now that I had those new clothes, I wished I could take a shower. I looked forward to stopping at one of those truck stops that had showers. If I were in a more normal situation, that thought would have made me cringe in disgust, but now it sounded perfect.

Alice started giggling as she looked over at me, which made me start giggling.

"What's so funny?" I asked between laughs.

She beat the steering wheel with her right palm as she tried to sputter out her words.

"Bella, your face was all scrunched up as if you smelled a fart."

"Oh, I was thinking how it would be nice to have a shower before the show tonight and how one of those truck stops that have showers sounds really good at the moment."

Alice gasped at my response, and turned to me look at me quickly with a shocked expression on her face.

"Bella, you're right. One of those places does sound good. Maybe we can stop if there's one between here and Dallas."

Her reply was not what I expected to hear her say. That brief conversation was our only communication for rest of the way back as we listened to the radio in comfortable silence.

When we pulled up, all the lights were on in the bus, but the blinds were drawn, so I couldn't see who was inside. After Alice turned the car off, she quickly opened her door and darted out to the opened trunk. She loaded her hands with bags that visibly weighed her down. I was already at her side to help carry the load. I took a couple of the bags from her right hand and set them on the ground. As I did that, I looked over into the trunk and saw many more bags. There were also the others in the backseat. As if on cue, Jake trotted over from the direction of the bus towards us.

His nose and mouth were black and blue, and saying they were just swollen would have been an understatement. Jake's face looked as if he had an allergic reaction to something. I sighed and gave him a cordial smile as he offered a hand to Alice.

"Wow, you girls cleaned house at the mall. Where is all of this stuff going to fit?" he asked with light amusement.

Alice balled her little fists onto her hips and stared up at Jake.

"Don't worry about it. I'll _make _it fit," Alice sternly replied.

"Calm down, short stuff. I was joking."

Alice rolled her eyes, grabbed what bags she could, and speed walked to the bus, where Jasper greeted her with a chaste kiss on the cheek.

Tension crackled in the air current between and around Jake and me. He rolled his shoulders back, squared them, and looked back down at me. I was standing with both hands full of shopping bags that were starting to cut into the tender flesh of my palms. I heard him sigh loudly, prompting me to look up at him from staring absentmindedly at the opened trunk.

"Bella, I want to apologize for earlier. For some odd reason I felt a need to protect you from him. I know you're not a child, but Bella, you don't know him like I do. Then again, you don't exactly know me, either. I guess I feel some obligation stemming from our fathers being best friends."

"Jake, I appreciate…you doing what you thought was right. Honestly though, I don't need protection. You have been extremely irritable lately, and I can't help but think it is the secret you are harboring, it's eating you up inside. Jake, I know we don't fully know each other, but you can talk to me."

Jake blew out a harsh breath as he stared off towards the lights and sounds of Route 66. He stayed that way for a while before turning his gaze back to me.

"I think I will take you up on that. Let's talk after the show."

I bit my bottom lip as I smiled back at him.

"Let's get these bags on the bus. I think Jasper and Alice have to return this rental soon."

I nodded in agreement. Fifteen minutes later, the bags were on the bus and Alice and Jasper were on their way to return the car.

* * *

When I entered the bus, the music aurally assaulted me. The windows were vibrating from the bass and my eardrums shrieked from the screams of the guitars. I turned to Jake, who was behind me on the steps, with pinched eyebrows as I rolled my eyes in the direction of the music. He shrugged his shoulders and yelled he didn't know. He had come back to the bus from playing his drums to find Cullen and the rest of the group blasting the music.

I didn't mind the loud music; I just wasn't expecting to find it as loud as it was. After my ears were accustomed to the loudness, I recognized the music to be from Tool, from the "10,000 Days" CD. The song that began shortly after we walked on was 'Wings for Marie, Pt. 1'.

Moving further into the bus, Jake squeezed past me and placed the bags onto the couch across from the one my belongings congregated. He turned around, moved closer to me, and pulled the rest of the bags from my hands, placing them with the others. I looked over at the pile, feeling apprehensive about where everything would go, and wondered what Carlisle or Cullen would say. Jake must have read my thoughts because he walked over, wrapped his right arm around my shoulders, and pulled me into a one-arm hug as he patted my shoulder.

I blew out a breath I had been holding, ran my right hand through my hair and sat down on "my" couch. Jake sat down beside me, patting my knee as he offered a sympathetic smile. I nudged him with my right elbow and offered back a friendly chortle before turning my eyes and thoughts back to the mountain of shopping bags. My chin rested in my left palm as my elbow dug into the top of my knee on the same side. I was lost in silent thoughts when someone's deep belly laugh broke my daydreaming.

Both hands wiped my eyes and face, trying to clear my mind of worried thoughts. Emmett had doubled over onto the floor in front of the covered couch, holding his stomach from laughing. He tried to focus his eyesight on me through the tears. They fell down the side of his chipmunk cheeks, and he stopped laughing long enough to bring his hands up to his face to wipe his eyes and cheeks. Jake and I sat above him giving quizzical stares.

"Bella, come on. Look at the mountain of retail the two of you came back with. The back lounge is full of Alice's shit. She went crazier shopping for you than for herself," Emmett answered in between gasps of air.

He was calming down. His breathing was becoming more even. Jake stood up and offered his hand to Emmett. The big guy accepted the offer as Jake hoisted him up. Carlisle walked in just as Jake and Emmett were giving each other the "manly" appreciatory slap on the back. He looked over at me and then quickly darted to the other side. A blanket of shock covered his face. His arms hung limply at his sides. His eyes were as round as plates and his mouth was gaping open like a fish.

When the shock wore off after several minutes, Carlisle turned to me and pointed to Mount Retail. The music was still thunderously loud, so I simply shrugged my shoulders and mouthed "Alice." He looked from me to the bags and then back to me. All he could do was shake his head and smirk.

He walked over to me, leaned down to my ear, and spoke loudly to me.

"Tell Alice when she gets back that she better help you get that mess situated and put away. We can't have that shit laying around. If you want to go shopping again, take Cullen with you or wait until Rose is back. She's not as shopping crazy as Alice is and Cullen won't waste all day shopping."

Because of the loud music, Jake and Emmett had leaned in close so they could hear what the other was saying and Carlisle joined them after he spoke with me. He spoke closely to both of them, nodding in the direction of the club and pointing to Emmett's pocket. The group meeting didn't last long as Carlisle and Emmett walking to the bus door dispersed it. Emmett had his cell phone out when he exited. Jake looked down at me. Mild concern appeared but didn't last long as a smile quickly replaced it.

"Bella, we have to get into the club. When Cullen's done getting dressed, tell him to meet us in there."

I nodded in response.

"Well, Bella, I'll see you once you get in the club," Jake said as he was walking to the bus door.

A few minutes after Jake left, the music lowered. I could hear Cullen walking around in the lounge, rustling papers and setting something down on the table. My ears were ringing and I felt the pulsing throb of a headache trying to bloom. I glanced at the black bags with 'Hot Topic' plastered in red across them, and wondered if I should wear one of the outfits Alice bought there.

Since no one else was on the bus except Cullen and I, and I knew what outfit I wanted to wear, I began stripping off my work clothes. Cold air blew across my bare skin from the air vent above the couch, causing goose bumps to rise. Musty work clothes pooled at my feet in the middle of the walk through. I toed them over to the bottom of the couch, making a pile on the floor next to my shoes.

I stood around in my pink and eyelet lace bra and panties that I had worn all day, knowing they were mustier than the other clothes, especially after the sex earlier. There were three choices I could make-stay in the boy shorts, wear one of the new boy shorts or nothing. Going commando didn't sound appealing; even though I'm sure Cullen wouldn't mind.

The pink bags of Victoria's Secret were underneath the Hot Topic bags, a bit of gentle pastel in a sea of darkness. One of the black bags held the top for tonight, and I wouldn't need a bra since there wasn't much of a back to it. I bent my arms behind me and started to unhook my bra. As I was pulling it down my arms, Alice was stepping in. As I did not expect her, I greeted her with a small yelp and crossed my arms over my boobs. Alice shot me a grin and shook her head.

"Bella, there's no need to cover your boobs. I saw them plenty today."

I relaxed and threw it over to the other pile of my rank clothing. After it had landed, I walked over to the pastel pink and white striped bags and started plundering for new panties to wear. As I was about to pull out a pair of the cheeky hipsters that were white and said "I Want It All" across the ass, Alice's hand gripped the top of mine, stopping me from further pulling them out.

"B., we're both not exactly the freshest down there, so before we go putting on clean panties, I think we should get some of my feminine wipes and freshen up a bit. Don't ya think?" Alice asked with a turned upper lip and a cocked eyebrow.

I nodded as I replied," Alice, that is great. I need to buy some."

She smiled in response as she walked back to the lounge. I heard Cullen and her exchange words. I bent down and parted some of the bags so I could make a space for me to sit. The hipsters I had half way pulled out were lying limp across the bag. I gathered them up and waited for Alice to return with the wipe. My brain pulled my thoughts quickly to Cullen and to that tiny room where we…fucked. We sure didn't make love.

He had been incredibly gentle with me, and God, was he an amazing lover. As my thoughts moved from remembering how he felt to recalling the multiple bruises that marked up both of his arms, I began wondering if he bruised easily and had some kind of vitamin deficiency.

"Why the long face, Bella?" Alice asked, breaking me from my concerned thoughts.

I looked up, with the hipsters in hand and took the teal package from her.

"Bell, those are flushable," Alice quietly informed me.

I smiled and thanked her as I turned to head down the hallway to the restroom.

After I cleaned myself up and flushed the wipe, I slipped on the new hipsters. They fit perfectly around my ass, hips, and thighs. Around the top of them was a small band of Pepto Bismol pink lace. I glanced down and looked to see how they looked from behind. On white background, in black lettering stamped across my ass was "I WANT IT ALL." There were several connotations for that, but I liked them and didn't care what others thought. The fleshy rounded bottom of my ass peeked from underneath the leg seam that pulled softly at the crease of my cheek.

When I was satisfied with how I looked, I opened the restroom door and started to walk out into the hall. I didn't make it far. My nose ran into a firm muscular chest that was covered in a black fitted cotton t-shirt. I tilted my face up to see that it was Cullen. There we were, standing in the hallway; I was naked with the exception of the panties, and he was smirking down at me. He grazed the back of his fingers across my left nipple, groaning in satisfaction as they hardened from his touch. I swallowed hard and loud before managing to say anything. Cullen beat me to it.

"Why are you coming out of the restroom topless, pretty girl?" he said as a slight slur stretched the words out.

I looked down at his left hand and saw he had one of the big bottles of Jack Daniels. His hand left my breast, and as he slowly placed it back at his side, I noticed a moderate amount of trembling of his hand. Was he well enough to even perform tonight?

"I came back here to clean up a bit before I got dressed for tonight," I paused before I started back. "Listen, Cullen, are you okay to perform tonight?" I asked as my words dripped with honest concern.

I watched his Adam's apple slide up and down as he swallowed. He tried to focus his eyes on my face, but he had to squint so he could see me. The muscles in his right arm tensed as they tried to control their trembling.

"I'm fine. I…just get nervous before a show…sometimes." His words fumbled out of his mouth as he slurred them.

Before I could reply, he placed both hands on the frame of the restroom door and leaned down towards my face. I didn't back down, instead I inched my face towards his. We were close enough to feel the warm breaths from our parted lips, only his was tinged with whiskey and…mint. My eyes closed as I felt his lips graze mine. I silenced a moan in my throat as he deepened the kiss for a brief second. His tongue slithered across my bottom lip before he ended the contact with a chaste kiss on my left cheek.

He pushed off from the doorframe, licked his lips, and smiled crookedly at me. My lips burned from his contact, making my fingers hover above the sensitive skin.

"I'll see you after while, pretty girl," he slurred through his crooked smile.

I nodded and watched as he sauntered down the hall and out of the bus to walk to the club. Alice's tiny head appeared around the corner after Cullen disappeared. She had her eyebrows raised in question, as if asking why I was still standing in the hallway. She moved in front of the hallway entrance with her hands on her hips.

"Bella, come back up here. Let's get dressed so we can get back to the guys."

I shook my head to clear the fog that had rapidly set in, laughed to myself, and walked back to the front of the bus.

* * *

Oh how I wished I were a wallflower! Try as I might, I couldn't burrow far enough into the corner where I stood. As I sipped my bourbon and coke quietly in the corner, I felt the eyes of every male in the establishment gawking at me, except for one who was nowhere in sight. I crossed my arms over my scantily covered chest, not used to having this much skin exposed.

Not surprisingly, Alice had picked out the outfit I had planned to wear and was now dressed in. Once I had everything on, I looked at myself in the floor length mirror Alice had somehow smuggled on the bus. At first, I didn't believe it was me.

Standing before the mirror was a girl dressed in a grey, faux leather suspender vest with racer back suspenders. It had a back ruched detail, front button pockets, a button up front, a black and white plaid print skirt with a faux black belt with grommet and chain accents, and black, zipper track ankle cowboy boots. Alice pulled my hair up in a high ponytail that slicked my hair back, smudged my top eyelid to give me a minimal smoky look, applied mascara, and dabbed on a red lip tint.

As I stood in my corner of the backstage area and sipped my drink, I tried to drink the liquid without fully pressing my lips upon the cup. I didn't want to ruin Alice's hard work. Loxley Screws was opening for someone named Wednesday 13, so from my corner I was able to watch this guy. He was the typical looking Goth, with long black hair, pale skin, and wore black lipstick. I didn't find him unattractive. He just wasn't my type. He seemed nice enough during the brief conversation we had before he noticed my lack of interest.

Only a few men bothered to stop by my corner to talk, but they met the same fate as poor Wednesday. Mostly, they gave a cursory glance or wink and moved on. Alice had left me alone once she spotted Jasper. Before she left, she asked if I would be okay by myself and I reassured her that I would. Now as I stood in my corner, wishing I were cheap hotel wallpaper, I wanted her by my side. This night couldn't end soon enough.

Just as I was about to leave the safety of my corner to refill my drink, Emmett came in from the hallway, stopped in his tracks and stared me down. His staring started to give way to an overwhelming sense of uneasiness. My eyes darted back and forth; I crossed my arms over my chest while I looked down at the floor. Emmett sensed my sheepishness and diverted his eyes as he ran his hand through his short-cropped hair. He looked back up at me with a smile that made him look like a little boy.

"Hey Bellsie, I'm sorry for staring like that. You just surprised me. I hadn't expected to find you looking like that. Where's Cullen? I'm sure once he sees you, he'll never leave your side," Emmett asked, as he was scanning the room for his brother.

I took the last sip of my drink and shrugged my shoulders.

"I don't know. I haven't seen him since he left the bus a while ago."

"Oh well. What ya drinking there, B.? I'll refill it for ya."

I smiled, handed him my cup and said, "Bourbon and coke. Thank you for doing that, Em."

Emmett smiled, waved his drink, as he replied, "No problem."

He walked off with my cup, leaving me standing by the door. I turned around and leaned against the wall scanning the room, as my eyes roamed over people dry humping in a corner across the room, knocking back shots, or standing around in clusters carrying on conversations.

My mind was lost in its thoughts when Cullen walked in. I knew he had entered by his voice. He had stopped at the entrance, still carrying his bottle of Jack and appeared to be looking for someone. I saw a small hand rub across his chest and I leaned forward enough off the wall to see a tall blonde snugly fitted to his side. He had his left arm around her waist, but he didn't seem to be paying her any attention.

A pang of jealousy ruptured along my central nervous system, making me ball up my fists and grit my teeth. His eyes were heavily lidded, his hands still had a trace of the trembling, and he swayed off kilter before he righted himself. He was fucking drunk, like beyond oblivion drunk. The stench of the alcohol rolled off him in waves that mixed with his body odor.

I was trying to keep my stomach from roiling by pressing my hand up to my mouth as he turned his head and looked down at me. Cullen caught me looking at him, but he didn't quite recognize me at first. Once he did, his eyes widened as much as they could. He turned to the girl at his side, whispered something in her ear, which made her scowl up at him and look around towards me. She rolled her eyes and then walked away.

I continued to stare at the doorway, even though the girl was gone. His presence loomed over me like a storm cloud. With me lost in thoughts and purposely avoiding his eyes, I hadn't noticed hot air traveling up my neck and warm flesh pressing against the underside of my left ear. Treacherous thing that is my body, it was succumbing to the desire Cullen brought forth. I closed my eyes, gasped, and bit my lower lip. He murmured words in my ear, but his voice sounded like whispers upon a breeze so I didn't quite hear what they were.

"Be very quiet and still. I don't have time to drag you back out to the bus, but I want to see your pretty little face when I make you silently come," he huskily announced in my ear, as he moved half way in front of me but not completely blocking my view of the room.

He leaned his forehead against the side of my face as he placed chaste kisses upon my forehead, eyelid, cheek and the corner of my mouth. I felt his left hand move down my right arm, to the inward curve of my waist and finally resting on my hip. His hand toyed with the hem of my skirt, as I stayed stationary against the wall. His fingers that stayed on the skirt hem moved towards my left inner thigh, bringing the skirt with them. I panted as his fingers slid up my thigh.

Heartbeats thundered in my ears and I shook when I breathed. Cullen's lips were still placing tiny kisses upon my lips, cheek, ear, and neck. Everything and everyone seemed oblivious to us, but the excitement fluttered in my belly as my lust clenched lower in my abdomen. I knew my panties were soaked, and we both moaned when he felt them.

"Look at my pretty girl, all wet and ready for me. I'm half tempted to fuck you right here, but I won't push you that far," I heard him whisper breathily.

My back arched and I sighed loudly when he placed two fingers in me, all the way in me. He smiled against my cheek as he leaned his forehead against mine and he tightened his grip on my hip with his left hand. I didn't look at him. I maintained what I could of my focus on the crowd in the room, but my sight darkened as I closed my eyes, concentrating on the immense pleasure between my legs. Cullen's fingers played me as if he was a bass player. It felt as if his entire right hand was in my panties with his thumb on my clit, three of his fingers were inside of me, and his pinky grazing the side of my right thigh.

The pressure grew in my groin as I fought to keep from releasing my pleasure vocally. I pressed my thighs together to add friction to the rhythm of his fingers and encourage the impending orgasm.

"Look at me, pretty girl," Cullen ordered softly.

I pried my eyes open and looked into his grass green eyes. They were still heavily lidded, but his breathing was as labored as mine was. In that moment, I understood why he wanted me to look at him. He wanted to watch me as I came. I removed my right hand from the wall and wound it in his hair, pulling him forward as my mouth searched for his.

Our kiss was deep and slow; we moaned as his fingers slipped out of me faster with each push and pull. My grip on his hair tightened, my thighs pressed harder and he pulled away so he could watch my arousal spill over. He sped his thrusting, shoving them hard. I kept my gaze on his. I bit my lip and the inside of my cheek as my breathing rushed out of my nose. When I felt the powerful constriction of cervical and vaginal muscles, the gush of fluid, and every nerve ending set on fire, I fisted my hand in his hair. I shook at the intensity and mewed quietly as I watched his lips turn up into a smile.

"Pretty girl, that was amazingly beautiful. You should see how pink your face is at this moment," Cullen whispered with pure delight.

I still had my grip on his hair, so I pulled him down to my mouth. He kissed me deeply for a few more seconds and pulled away.

"Listen, pretty girl, I hate to…finger and run, but I have to get ready for the show. We're about to go on. Will you be with Alice out front?"

I could only nod. He wiped his fingers on his jeans, kissed my cheek, and walked out the room. Something rattled when I moved my left foot. I looked down and saw it was Cullen's big ass bottle of Jack. There was plenty of it left, and it wouldn't go to waste between Alice and me. Emmett walked up with my cup in hand with a shit-eating grin plastered on his face. Mortification shot through me. He had seen the entire…show.

"Emmett, please don't say a fucking word," I seethed, pointing my finger at his face.

He handed over my cup, threw his hands in front of him as if in surrender, and said, "I'm not saying anything. I didn't see anything, either."

"Thank you. Aren't you supposed to be with the rest of the band? That's why Cullen left. You're about to start," I asked.

"Oh shit!" Emmett raced out the room with a speed I didn't know a man that big could possess.

* * *

In spite of Cullen being completely shit-faced, the show hadn't been too bad. They did two covers- "Come Together" by The Beatles and "L.A. Woman" by The Doors. After the show, he disappeared. Jasper mentioned something about how he wasn't feeling well. He had a headache, nausea, and pain. I should have gone back on the bus, but Alice pulled my hand in the direction of more alcohol and weed.

By the time we left Albuquerque, it was after three in the morning. I was as exhausted as everyone else. My body flopped down on my couch and that was the last memory I had before greeting the sandman.

Several prolonged intervals of shuffling and moaning pulled me from unconsciousness. I turned my head in the direction I thought the noise was coming from and slowly opened my eyes. In my hazy eyesight, I saw Cullen sitting on the floor across from me leaning against the other couch. His unruly hair was wet and glued to his scalp. Sweat poured off his face and glistened on his bare chest and arms. There was a big dark gray box sitting between his legs with his trembling hands trying unsuccessfully to turn the dial on the front of it.

I rolled over onto my side and sat up. Without even bothering to look, I knew my hair was haywire, but that didn't matter. Cullen slammed his back into the couch, ran his hands over his legs, and groaned as if in pain. He looked over at me with his full lips turned down and eyebrows pinched. He was in pain.

I slid off my couch onto the floor. Cullen looked at me with labored breathing as his trembling hands rested on the tops of his thighs. Something wasn't right. I reached my hand out and placed it on his chest. I could feel his heart pounding a mile a minute. He raised a shaking hand up to cover my hand and swallowed as he looked up at the ceiling.

"Cullen, what's wrong?" I calmly asked.

Before he could answer, his hand shot back to his legs and rubbed rapidly. He groaned in pain as a new wave of sweat started covering his body. He nodded at the safe, and immediately I knew whatever he needed was in there.

"What is the combination?" I asked as I rushed to the little dial.

"I…don't really know. It…could…be a …number of combinations," he said between shudders.

He started rattling off various groups of numbers, but none of them worked. With each wrong attempt, his pain seemed to intensify. He stopped prattling off numbers and settled into a silent agony. His face twisted and contorted in pain.

"There is another set that may be the combination. It's the date my mother died," he raggedly whispered.

I twisted the dial with the numbers he gave me, and when the last number was turned, the safe door opened. I turned my eyes to him and saw a brief moment of peace wash over his face. He pointed over to a black backpack that was sitting beside my couch on the floor. I reached behind me and grabbed it. He slowly sat up, took the bag from me and with trembling hands, he tried opening the bag.

I asked if he wanted help, but he pushed my hand away. After several tries, Cullen finally pulled out a black case that was zipped. His eyes roamed over to me and looked at me questioningly.

"What do you need?"

"There's a bottle of lemon juice in the fridge in the lounge. Can you get it for me?"

I nodded and quickly scrambled up so I could run down the hallway.

There was no trouble finding the lemon juice. As I started to leave the lounge, I looked around and saw Alice and Jasper passed out naked in each other's arms. Everyone appeared to be asleep. When I walked back up front, Cullen had several instruments laid out. I sat down in front of him and noticed his shaking had gotten worse. He was slumped against the couch again in deeper agony than before.

As I placed the juice next to everything else, I saw a baggy of what looked like dirt. There was a spoon, a tourniquet, cotton, a lighter and a syringe. His eyes were full of agony as his body began trembling all over.

"Please do as I say, and don't ask questions," he ordered through gritted teeth.

I nodded. He told me to take the tourniquet, wrap it around his upper arm and to tighten it as he flexed his hand. Several veins popped up from the restrained blood flow. Between pained gasps, he started ordering me to take the baggy, open it, and pour the contents onto the spoon. I reached over for the lemon juice, filled the cap half way, and poured it on the spoon with the dirt looking substance. I took the lighter, placed it under the spoon, and flicked it on to heat the bottom of the spoon. Within a few moments, the liquid had turned a golden color.

Words, conversations, and memories ran through my mind at warp speed. This was Golden Girl. I didn't know what this was but Cullen was on the verge of convulsing with the need for it. He motioned at the cotton and somehow I knew to soak of the liquid into it. After it was absorbed, I uncapped the syringe, stuck it in the cotton, and pulled back on the plunger until it completely filled. Before I could hand the syringe over to Cullen, he snatched it out of my hand.

His hand shook so badly that he couldn't keep the needle flush against his vein. He tried several attempts and screamed with aggravation each time.

"Cullen, do you want me to do that for you?" I asked.

His eyes shot up to me in anger and he handed it to me. I held the full syringe in my hand, staring at it in confusion. Was I really about to do this? I had no idea what this was, but apparently, he needed it.

"Please, goddamn it, hurry the fuck up!" he screamed at me.

I sat up on my knees, slowly reached over, and placed it flat against his arm on top of the vein. I stalled. I couldn't do this. Something was screaming at me internally that this was wrong. My body started shaking as bad as his did with heavy tears falling down my face. The tears quickly became violent sobs that racked my body. He snarled in my face and snatched the syringe from my hand, plunging it deep into the middle of the vein.

Blood started spurting everywhere and ran down his arm in several streams. It covered my face, hands, clothes and it splattered all over his alabaster white chest. Something high pitched pierced my ears. It wouldn't stop as my brain was trying to register all the blood and the needle hanging out of his arm. His face had grown slack before he leaned over and threw up. Every content of his stomach landed on the carpet beside us.

After he was done puking, Cullen lolled his head back and stared blankly at me, as the terrible squealing continued. I felt arms pull me back. Loud voices and screams filled my senses. I saw Alice hover above my face, wiping away the blood. The terrible sound had stopped.

Alice shook my face between her hands, pulling me into focus. I started nodding my head and she released me. She settled beside me as she cleaned my arms while I watched Carlisle and Emmett tend to Cullen. Jasper turned to me, grabbed my arm, and pulled me over to them.

"Bella, what happened? Tell me everything that happened," Carlisle rattled off.

I swallowed hard and started explaining the best I could. Carlisle cursed under his breath. He raised his hand and ran it through his hair. Emmett looked at his father with rage.

"You, motherfucker. You kept him away from it on purpose. Were you trying to make him go through withdrawal on his own? That shit could have seriously hurt him. This episode could still harm him because he was in sheer goddamn agony. I know you don't like him doing this shit. I don't either. But if you start pulling this shit on him, he is going to get it elsewhere. If he gets it elsewhere, who knows what the fuck will be in it?" Emmett seethed.

Carlisle blew out a harsh breath and nodded.

"I know, son. I was going to give him some when we got to Dallas. I didn't think he would react this badly. It…after the incident with Bella and the gun, I thought it would be better if I monitored his intake."

"Dad, if Cullen wants this shit, he'll stop at nothing to get it. This stunt proves that."

I sat in stunned silence. Cullen was a drug addict, but I didn't know what drug.

"What was the substance in the syringe?" I meekly asked.

Carlisle looked at me and said, "Persian heroin."

I knew nothing about heroin, nothing at all.

Cullen lazily lifted his head, partially opened his eyes, and looked over at me with a sleepy smile on his face. Even though I knew he was high, I couldn't help but return his smile, no matter how small it was. There was now a bandage on his arm and someone had cleaned most of the blood. He tried to raise that hand, but failed. I reached my left hand over and took his. I felt him faintly try to squeeze it, so I squeezed back to let him know I felt it. His half-opened eyes were staring at me.

"Come…here. Please, he mumbled.

I moved closer to him and I felt his breathing had evened out. A russet colored hand shot out in front of my face, and I looked up to see Jake shaking his head. I scowled at him. That was his warning to leave it alone until later. He pinched his eyebrows together and removed his hand. I returned my attention back to Cullen, who was still staring at me. His thumb started moving back and forth over the top of my hand. I sighed and gave him a partial smile.

"I think…I like you," he whispered.

I didn't know what to say and he blacked out.


	13. Chapter 12 Forgiveness

**A/N: Sorry it's taken so long to update. I moved, had to get situated, and then had to think who I wanted to start this chapter off with. This chapter contains harsh flashbacks from Cullen's memories. He has not done nice things. There isn't any rape, just so you know.**

**And big thank yous to adt216 and lambcullen for betaing and pre reading this.  
**

* * *

Chapter 12

"_At dusk the window panes grew grey;_

_The wet world vanished in the gloom;_

_The dim and silver end of day_

_Scarce glittered through the little room._

_And all my sins were told; I said_

_Such things to her who knew not sin-_

_The sharp ache throbbing in my head,_

_The fever running high within-_

_I touched with pain her purity;_

_Sin's darker sense I could not bring;_

_My soul was black as night tome;_

_To her I was a wounded thing._

_I needed love no words could say;_

_She drew me softly nigh her chair,_

_My head upon her hands to lay,_

_With cool hands that caressed my hair._

_She sat with hands as if to bless_

_And looked with grave, ethereal eyes,_

_Ensouled with ancient Quietness_

_A gentle priestess of the Wise"_

_-Forgiveness, George William "AE" Russell (1867–1935)_

Cullen

A blanket of coldness wrapped around my body, causing small twitches from shivering throughout my body. Despite the coldness, I felt like there was a heater beside me. Consciousness skimmed below the surface as events played out in my mind like some twisted television program. There was one scene where I told Bella that I liked her. I knew these were memories of yesterday up to the point of me blacking out.

As I fought for the energy to pry my eyelids open, I felt something move beside me. It was then I realized I had no recollection of where I was or how I got there. Cold air blasted across my body, prickling my skin more than it already was. The thin layers of skin that were my eyelids felt like anvils lying on my eyeballs. I felt them flutter, as the urge to open them overwhelmed me.

Small, warm blankets enclosed my body while wrapping themselves around my legs, shoving away the icy air. I pried one lid open halfway and saw the faint glow of the overhead lights of the hallway seeping through the slits of the curtain. I was in my bunk, and someone was lying beside me.

A head rested against my back with small hands tucked underneath my side. The person breathed with a slow, steady rhythm. I pulled one of my hands from underneath my head and crept down to rub my bent finger along the length of the arm. When I moved my arm, it moved a strand of hair, and instantly a perfume of vanilla frosting assaulted me. Bella lay beside me.

Normally, her scent aroused me, comforted me, but my stomach faintly roiled at its presence. My fingers hovered above her arm, as my eyelids quickly slammed shut, trying to ease my senses. She stirred behind me, repositioning herself, and blew out a full breath of warm air from her nose against my back. Memories of the last minutes before my blackout sprang forth like a tight spring- her screams, looks of shock and panic, and finally the image of her above me, looking at me with confusion and worry as I whispered those last words to her.

Those words were true, not some drug induced lunacy. Why did the words have to exist? Unhurriedly, I blinked, sighed deeply, and gathered Bella's arms closer to me. She gave a little moan and curled up against my back. The corners of my mouth twitched into a slight smile. I knew she would wake soon, and we would have to talk. It worried me how she would respond.

I fingered a crease in the curtain absentmindedly, listening to Bella breathe as the warm air rolled down my back. The memory of Golden Girl entering my body raced to my mind, making me fight the urge to inject again. The warm glowing sensation followed by the disconnected feeling would consume all of my thoughts if I didn't stop.

I sucked in sharply; still feeling nauseated, and rolled myself out of my bunk to run to the toilet. My stomach started contracting violently, causing my gag reflex to work overtime. There was absolutely nothing in my stomach. By the time I reached the toilet, I was dry heaving viciously. They came so hard and frequent that it felt as if my head would implode while my body shook and contracted.

After they stopped, I leaned against the toilet to catch my breath. I wiped tears and mucus away from my upper lip, and then got up to wash my hands. It was then I noticed I still had my jeans on from last night, but no shirt, shoes or socks. When I returned to my bunk, I saw Bella staring up at the ceiling before turning her head towards me. Her little hand reached out to help me up. I accepted the offer, climbed in the bunk, and got back under the covers before pulling the curtain closed.

Bella rolled over onto her side, facing me. Once situated under the covers, I stayed on my back with my arm flung over my eyes. I could feel Bella's stare boring a hole into my arm with its heavy and sharp energetic pull. She moved my arm, placing it between us and stared into my eyes. I gulped in air, nervously, as I knew she wanted answers.

We laid in silence for what felt like hours, even though only minutes had passed. Her gaze and our silence hung in the air thickly, but neither of us took the initiative to start talking. My aggravation got the best of me, so I turned to her and saw tears rolling down her face. She wiped them away with the back of her hand before turning to me with a weak smile.

"Hi," she said through her tears.

"Hi," my voice croaked, sounding like a fucking bullfrog.

Bella broke the intense silence, but she hesitated as she gauged my emotions. Before I could say anything, warp speed flashes of the night before hit my brain again- her sitting in front of me with the syringe in her hand trying to inject it, me becoming irritated and jamming it into my arm, blood spurting onto her, her screaming, and me finally saying those damn words. Those fucking words held so much force behind them. Tears formed in my eyes and streamed down my face.

I knew she had lost whatever innocence she had left in that moment. Her life became impure. I had a sullied encroachment on her life.

"Cullen, please look at me," Bella faintly pleaded as she placed her right hand on my face, drawing me to her.

Our faces were only a breath's width apart. She kissed the tears as they fell, and kissed my lips as the salty liquid covered them.

"Cullen, talk to me. There are too many places to start, so I don't know what to say or ask."

I swallowed back the saliva that my mouth overproduced, blinked my eyes, and reached out for her face. Since my polluted life seeped into hers, she wanted answers, and I felt the need to divulge.

"I'm sorry…sorry that I made you help me shoot up. Carlisle put a shutdown on every avenue for me to get smack, and I knew I had started to go into withdrawal. After the show, the insanity…the aches and pains consumed me. Nothing could have taken away any of that but Her," I spoke through strained breaths.

Bella's steady hand raked through my hair as I felt a tear run down my cheek.

"Cullen, I was scared, so damn scared. I thought I had helped partake in killing you. Once I saw the liquid, I knew it was what everyone had been referring to as Golden Girl, but didn't know what it was until I asked your father.

Cullen, my father maybe a cop, but that doesn't mean I know everything about street drugs. I know their general dangers, but nothing of what they look like. Yes, I smoked marijuana in high school, but that's as far as it went; I did it with my friend Jessica. Do you remember the last words you said to me?"

I gulped back air, trying to find the way to explain to her.

"Bella, I like you. Yes, I told you before that I cared for you, but you can care for your boss, your client, or your neighbor. It doesn't necessarily mean you like them. I like you. Not just as a friend, but something more. I just don't know what that something more is."

She pressed her lips to mine as her hand moved from my hair to my neck. Our tongues parted each other's lips, slipping together delicately. Her leg snaked its way over my thigh, pulling it between her legs. Nothing sexual became of our kiss or touch. We each wanted solace. Our kisses were slow, light, nothing heated or passionate.

Bella ended our kiss with a light peck and a stroke of my cheek. Strands of her hair had fallen into her face, covering the right side of it. What little light there was bleeding through the slits in the curtain floated across Bella's hair and made slivers of auburn hues against dark chocolate cascade down her shoulders. When she turned her face up at an angle to look at my rebellious hair, the iris of her right eye caught the light, and a ring of caramel blended with the milk chocolate. In that moment, I was transfixed with longing and enraptured by the beauty that came natural to her.

Noticing my staring, Bella dropped her head and buried it against my shoulder, mumbling indecipherable words. She nuzzled her nose between my skin and the pillow we now shared, causing her hair to make a curtain that blocked my gaze. I had no idea why she started acting so demure, but it made me deeply interested.

"Bella, why are you acting bashful, right now? I'm admiring your beauty and enjoying this feeling that I can't describe. Bella, tell me what's wrong," I softly spoke.

She muttered, once again, words I couldn't make out.

"Bella, lift your face from the pillow. Please," I requested.

I saw her move her face until her left cheek rested alongside my shoulder, still looking down. She brought her hair behind her ear, bit her lower lip, and looked up at me. I tried to keep a neutral face, but my lips turned up in a placated smile. My hands had moved from her face to her hip and back underneath my head. It was then I noticed she was wearing a thin, black tank with white panties with pink lace trimming at the waist. So, I ghosted my hand from the curve of her hip, along her right arm to her shoulder, where I draped my hand behind her as I played with the ends of her hair.

"Cullen, your bold staring doesn't bother me, although I'm not used to men holding their gazes on me. What's vexes me at this moment is I'm still wearing my makeup from last night and my scalp feels like a grease trap at a burger joint. We're too cozy with our morning breath, and I smell the stench of alcohol oozing from our pores. Can we…get another hotel room in Dallas?"

"If that's all that is bothering you, then yes, we'll get another hotel room. I'm sure the others will want to come along."

"Cullen, the others can get their own rooms. I want it like it was in Phoenix, just us," Bella whispered.

Something danced around her eyes; something I couldn't read. However, she erased it before I could ask what it was. She wanted to be alone with me. Desire burned through every nerve ending, firing onto another. My breathing was slow, steady, but heavy.

"Bella, what else do you want besides a shower and clean clothes?" I growled.

Her eyes became dark with a quirked brow as she sucked on the inside of her cheek before speaking.

"What else do you think I'm want?"

"Tell me. I want to hear you say it."

Bella tipped her face to meet mine with a facetious smirk. I felt her finger move down my abdomen, tracing each line of muscle, and then back up to circle around my nipple, making it pert. Suddenly, she became very serious as her lips pursed.

"Cullen, that girl you walked in with last night before the show, the one that walked away after you noticed me, did you fuck her?" she blurted.

I groaned, lowering my head. I blew out a breath and looked back into her eyes.

"She sucked my dick. There was nothing else."

Bella sucked in air through her teeth and set her mouth in a tight line.

"Look, Bella, I told you that I may not be able to keep promises like that. But that was until my admission to you in front of the others, and just now when I reiterated those words to you. I'm not going to be perfect, I'm sometimes not going to be truthful, but I'll try," I gulped back air and continued, "Even after me admitting that, I still want you. Jealousy rears its ugly head whenever I see another man looking at you, or when some guy named Mike texts you. I want you to want no other man, but me.

"Here I am, demanding that you be faithful when I'm not sure I can be. Bella, I swear, I will try…for you. I have no right asking you for any of this with all the ugliness of my life. I drained every ounce of innocence out of you last night. You're tarnished because of me. You should hate me, not yearn for me, or feel any romantic feelings for me."

She shushed me with her finger on my lips and barely shaking her head.

"Cullen, I don't expect you to be perfect. Who is? I…appreciate your honesty. I know you will try your damnedest to be faithful, but if you're not, don't hide it from me. Tell me. And don't flaunt it in front of me, like you did last night. I wanted to beat her ass."

I smirked and started shaking with silent laughter.

"Cullen, don't laugh at me. I didn't laugh when you admitted your jealousy. Anyway…I didn't expect to be sheltered out here. I knew I would be exposed to situations that weren't normal for me. Innocence is something that one should want to hold on to, but it can also be crippling. Life is not innocent, so how is one supposed to go through life and not lose it?"

I leaned over and kissed the tip of her nose; her lashes fluttered at the contact. A contented sigh escaped my lips, making her face scrunch up. I snickered and closed my mouth. Her forehead creased together as if confused, then moved her eyes to look at me.

"Did you say something earlier about a text from Mike?"

"Yeah, he sent you a text yesterday. I was taking a nap in the lounge when your phone started beeping and wouldn't stop, so I got up, followed the sound of the beep, and saw it was your phone. He said he misses you and wants you to call him back…Bella, who's Mike?"

I saw the hesitation and knew I wouldn't like the answer.

"Bella, he's not a boyfriend, is he?" I growled.

"Oh God, no."

"Well then, go on."

"Mike's just a friend. I mean, we…shit. I lost my virginity to Mike back in high school and then through the years, we would have sex on occasion. We were never serious or even friends with benefits; we never had enough sex to qualify for that."

I wanted to know more about their sex for some odd reason.

"Bella, how was the sex with Mike? Do you want fuck him again?"

"Cullen! No! Sex with Mike was lackluster, but it was all I could get back then. I would always have to get myself off afterwards, because he seemed to get off every time before I would. So, I can say he never gave me an orgasm. I had to do that. You're the only other person to give them to me."

She bit her lip, casting her eyes down.

"Why are you being shy? There's nothing in what you said to cause that reaction. It brings a big boost to my ego to be the only other person, besides yourself, to make you come."

"I don't know, but what I do know is that I can't wait to get to that hotel room…Oh my god, what is that smell?" Bella held her nose and pretended to gag.

My body started shaking from laughter as I realized someone was farting next to an air vent and it was circulating through the air ducts.

"Bella, someone's ass is too close to an air vent and they're farting," I said while laughing.

"Eww! It smells like there's a dead animal up there. That's rancid."

Once again, a serious quietness eased over her and clouded her eyes. As if, something quickly had sprung to mind. Her breathing was even, her hear rate felt normal as my fingers lightly pressed against her neck; nothing in her body's reactions gave away if the matter was troubling.

"Cullen, why do you not go by your birth name?" she murmured.

Thoughts spun around in my head. Was I ready to tell her the truth? Do I not tell her yet, and just make a joke about the name? I didn't know exactly what this was between us. I just wasn't ready to tell her the truth about that.

"Bella, can you tell me one cool, famous person with the name Edward?" I smirked.

"Is that why you got upset at me? Because it's not a cool name? Well, let me think, there's Eddie Van Halen, Edward Norton, Edgar Allan Poe, even though it's not Edward. I gotta say though, Edgar is worse than Edward."

Asshole. That's what I was being. I could shoot up in front of her, damage her innocence, fuck her, pull a gun on her, and scream at her, but I couldn't give her that piece of me.

"Edgar is pretty bad, and yes, those other two are awesome, famous people with the name Edward. It's just not for me, though."

"You're right. Somehow, it doesn't fit you. There's something else on my mind. She inhaled and blew out the air. "How often do you shoot up?"

"Every other day, or sometimes I push it a day and a half. I do coke or smoke weed in between."

"Are there ever any days where you're not doing drugs? I mean, at all."

"Sometimes, after like last night, I give myself a break. Or if we've partied really hard."

She nodded her head in understanding as she drew circles around my nipple again. Her fingers circled a few more times before she leaned in and replaced her finger with her tongue. I sucked in air harshly through my teeth and closed my eyes, enjoying the feeling of her tongue and lips on the sensitive flesh.

Each movement brought forth another wave of her vanilla frosting scent wafting across my nose. As soon as the scent reached my brain, my stomach began dry heaving again. Bella jerked back with a look of confusion on her face. The tightening in my stomach and the heaving of my chest intensified the soreness that my abdominal muscles harbored from the last episode. Her right hand smoothing away my hair while she softly asked what happened.

Several minutes passed before the dry heaves stopped, leaving me choking for air and clutching my abdomen. Sweat dripped down my face, neck, and back, soaking the sheets. Bella left my side to go find something to wipe the sweat off my body. As I waited for my body to stop throbbing and my breathing to even out, I wondered why I was doing this. This situation with Bella was not right, I shouldn't want it, but I did. At the same time, I knew I would still carry on how I was, but with more self control when it came to the whores.

She came back with a wet paper towel, began wiping my face, and worked her way down. After she was done, I climbed down out of the bunk and pulled the covers up over the wet sheets. I threw the pillow down at the other end. Bella walked back carrying another pillow and a blanket.

After we arranged the pillow and the blanket, we climbed back onto the bunk under the dry blanket. We shared the same pillow as we lay on our sides facing each other. Our legs tangled together as our arms touched elbow to elbow with our hands tucked under the side of our faces. While staring into her eyes, the need to disclose some of my sins swelled inside of me.

"Bella, there are sins I would like to confess to you and only you. I trust you would never tell anyone, especially the media." I swallowed hard and continued, "It scares me to unknown depths the trust I feel for you and what I'm feeling for you. Everything in me is screaming at me to run- to run to the nearest whore, to the nearest bottle of alcohol, or to bury my nose in several pounds of blow, but I'm not."

She pulled free a hand to reach over to brush away a stray sprig of hair from my forehead as she brought her lips to mine, chastely kissing me. A sigh I wasn't aware of holding in, left my body in a long, silent breath. A softness around her eyes seemed to urge me to go on when I stared back at her. Her free hand drifted down to my bare arm where it stroked softly up and down, meaning to comfort me.

I skimmed my left hand along the contours of her body before resting it on the crook of her knee, pulling it over my bent leg. We lay hip to hip, with my hand resting on her left hip and her hand moving up and down my naked back. I felt my body relax into the mattress as we both took a collective sigh.

"One night, when Alice and Rose weren't on the road us but Jane was, Emmett, Jasper, Jane, and I went on an alcohol and coke bender. We were stuck in some backwoods town in a shitty motel because our bus had broken down, and the record company couldn't get us a new one until the next day. So, Emmett raided Dad's stash and confiscated about two pounds worth of blow. Jane found some roach motel up the road from the bus and checked us in.

"Once we got in the room, I snatched one of the bundles from Emmett and started cutting up lines with my credit card. Jasper held up a Ziploc bag full of weed and I had some baggies of Persian on me. I knew we would be in for a night of debauchery, I just didn't think what happened would happen.

"Emmett left while I was cutting up lines and came back with a sack full of liquor. I can't recall what there was; there was so much of it. He had Jagermeister, Jack, Bacardi, and Finlandia. By the time Emmett returned, us three had snorted our lines. Jasper and I almost started fighting over Emmett's when he walked in, but his big, burly hands grasped both of our wrists and squeezed. That was enough for us to take our hands back.

"Jane walked over to where Emmett had placed the bag and started pulling out everything in it. My brother had been smart enough to buy those red plastic cups. Sometime after that was when things got a bit blurry. Jasper had asked for a baggie of my Persian while he had started the process of rolling a joint. He wound up lacing the weed with blow and Persian. We all skyrocketed into a drug-induced bliss.

"After a while, Jane began stripping off her clothes and grinding up against us. We were so fucked up that, even if we had wanted to, we couldn't have said no. Jasper stripped down naked, so Emmett and I followed suit. She made quick work of getting on her knees to service our cocks. We stood above her with our cocks hanging over her opened mouth. She sucked each one, grouped together all three and gave a group lick and suck, and then deep throated all of us.

"Jane continued this routine until she saw all of us about to come at once, so she sat still, with her mouth open, and allowed us to jizz all over her face and into her mouth. We started laughing when she started rubbing the shit all over her face, neck, and tits. What was on her fingers and palms, she licked off.

"We took rounds of snorting, smoking and boozing. Jasper and Emmett were always afraid to inject smack or blow; they snorted, smoked, or laced them with weed. I drank the entire bottle of the only Jack we had while we all shared the Jager. Time went on and before I knew it, all of us were in the bed fucking Jane.

"We took turns doing whatever we wanted with her. Jane didn't fucking care. After doing what we wanted, we had group sex. From what I can recall, somehow I wound up underneath her while she rode me as Emmett fucked her up the ass and Jasper had his dick in her mouth. How we all managed to move is beyond me.

"Please do not say anything to the other girls. They would castrate them two and then come after me."

My mind felt lighter, lighter than it had been in forever. I wanted to purge more. Bella remained quiet. Worry shot through me.

"Bella, are you okay? Please say something."

Her wide eyes blinked. She swallowed hard as if her throat was dry and nodded.

"Please continue. I know you have more to tell me. Confide in me whatever you want," she hoarsely whispered.

I blinked in astonishment. I thought she wouldn't want me to go on, but I felt relieved that she wanted me to.

"One night in Charlotte, North Carolina, before our show, a young girl approached me outside the side door to the club we played at. She looked cute with big green eyes, lightly freckled nose, full lips and had honey blonde hair draped over her shoulders. She wore some frilly dress with black heels.

"Her advancement seemed bold, but I knew she was green by her lip biting, her shifty eyes, and her wringing her wrists. Before she made eye contact with me, I saw her hand reach into her purse and pull out her driver's license. She was barely eighteen and she stood beside her car. I looked over her shoulder and saw on the back window that she had graduated that day from high school, and not just any high school, but a Catholic High School.

"Her name Ekaterina but preferred Kate, she told me. Kate became my pet for the night. I threw my arm around her shoulder, pulled her to me, and walked to the bus, where she went from being timid to guzzling down beers and doing lines within a short time span. She didn't want to appear inexperienced, but it showed when she drank her first beer with a scrunched up face, that she quickly covered. After she did her first two lines of coke, her face contorted as it tried to get used to having something up her nose and in her sinus cavity.

"After the first try, she never looked backed. It looked like a locomotive going full speed ahead without a break. She was being careless, and I knew she was, as did everyone else. But we didn't care. The only one who seemed to have a problem was Jake, who was his grinding his teeth and tensing his jaw. He never said anything.

"The night wore on and we drank, snorted, and wound up fondling each other in the bathroom on the bus, where I made her silently come. Kate stood beside the stage as we performed, half-assed, and came back to the hotel with me. By that time, we were beyond fucked up. I'm surprised I can recall that night in such detail.

"When I finally got us in my room, we crashed against the walls, the furniture, and finally the floor. We yanked, pulled, and tore off our clothes, frantically trying to get naked. Finally, after several fucking minutes, I stripped the last piece of Kate's clothing. It was odd that it took so long, because she only wore a frilly dress, no bra, black thong, and those heels.

"Lights from outside the window lit the room and gave me the grand picture of her body. I scanned slowly down, admired the small, pert tits, toned stomach, slight curve of her hips, and then…she had a full bush. The gallons of beer that I had ingested started gurgling up my esophagus. I knew there would be no way I could fuck that.

"But we were both naked, so the first thought was to pay attention to her tits, which she enjoyed at first, but then she started pulling my hand lower down. I had to stop before it escalated, so I kissed her lips, stood up, and held out my hand to pull her up. Kate complied and followed me over to the table against the wall.

"I rummaged around in one of my bags until I found some China White and told her it was cocaine. Snorting the five lines of cut smack, she filled her nose with pure heroin. A few minutes later, she sprinted to the bathroom and puked her guts out. I helped her clean up and helped her back to the bedroom. After she recovered, Kate looked at me with a smirk. I quirked my right brow and nodded towards the direction of the balcony.

"She went on ahead out there while I found my handcuffs. The metal on the cuffs glinted in the light from across the parking lot, and it caught her eye. I commanded her to sit against the metal railing with her hands above her head. Kate obeyed beautifully. Then I told her to get on her knees and she did, so I pulled out the other pair of cuffs and shackled her ankles to the bottom of the railing.

"Her reaction time was altered, so it took her a few minutes to realize how I positioned her. My dick had hardened to the point of excruciating pain. I tapped the head against her lips and she upturned her face to meet mine with wide eyes. I didn't want her to worry or panic, so I grazed her cheek with my palm and thumb while I shushed her.

"She sank against my hand and licked her lips. I asked if she would suck my dick and she nodded. Her mouth moved towards my dick. I helped by pressing it against her lips again, and she took me slowly in. Her lips slid painfully slowly and that was all she did. There weren't any licks, soft bites, or a faster pace. It drove me crazy.

"In my impatience, I grabbed the both sides of her head, held it firmly and started fucking her mouth. I started out slow, so she could feel I had taken over, and quickly picked up my speed. For some reason, Kate started humming against me. It made the pleasure more exquisite. I wanted more- more speed, more vibration, and more pleasure. Before too long, I was ramming my cock against the back of her throat and crashing my hips against her face.

"After I shot my load down her throat, which she surprisingly swallowed, I felt something warm run over my dick. I looked down and saw her nose bleeding.

"I yanked my dick out of her mouth, ran to the bathroom to get a wet towel, and ran back out to her, where I found her passed out. Her head lolled to one side. . Carefully, I leaned her head back to wipe the blood away. It took several minutes for the bleeding to subside, but still Kate remained unconscious. I tapped the side of her face many times, but nothing happened.

"Her skin still felt warm and she had a pulse on the inside of her wrist. Relief raced through me, as I sat my ass on the concrete balcony. She breathed normally and I started thinking about why her nose had bled. I concluded that the force of the pounding had broken blood vessels and capillaries in her nose and sinus cavity.

"After sitting for a few minutes, I walked back in to get dressed and to get the handcuff keys. Once I did that, I picked up her clothes to dress her. That had proven to be difficult, but I had managed. When I picked Kate up, she hung in my arms like a broken doll. My insides clenched like a vise.

"The girl was breathing and had a pulse, that's all I cared about. I called for a taxi and ten minutes later one pulled up outside. I gave the driver her address from her driver's license and he drove off with her. After I went back to my room, I shot up ten cc's of Golden Girl and passed out.

"Later the next day, I got an email on my Facebook from her saying she had a great night, and to look her up when we were in Charlotte again. I haven't heard from her since then and that was two years ago."

Bella made no noise beside me as her hand dug into my arm. I gulped back air, feeling my stomach tie in knots.

"Bella, talk to me. Please," I pleaded as I rested my forehead against hers.

Seconds ticked into minutes and the minutes ticked into several more minutes. It felt like a lifetime had passed when she finally spoke.

"Cullen, I'm not going to judge you. I'm a little shocked, but I know you need this, so please continue," she whispered.

I stared back astounded. Different variations of what I wanted to tell her next skipped around in my brain. I tossed back and forth between telling her all the details and just giving her the general information of what happened. My toxins had already poisoned her. Did I need to add more?

As I thought of how to explain the next situation, my fingers twined Bella's hair around my fingers, then let it fall, and twined it back around. I did this several times before she caught my hand and brought it to her lips. She grazed an innocent kiss across my knuckles before resting my hand against her chest.

"Cullen, you don't need to hesitate. I can see it's tormenting you to tell me more. I'm not going to break. I'm not going anywhere. I won't leave you," she urged softly.

"Bella, I'm thinking about how much of the next story I want to tell you. It involves my father; that's why I'm stalling."

Her eyes widened at the admission of my father being involved. I knew she thought he would never do anything behind Esme's back, but it had been one time. He never did anything since then.

"It was this time last year in LA, and we had gotten into town a day early. Carlisle had booked us in an expensive hotel that I can no longer recall. Aro had been in town, so we had all the drugs we could ask for. During the evening, my dad and I met these two women. They looked like sisters. We all went back to Carlisle's room…and when they left the next morning, they told us they were mother and daughter. My father and I took turns with them and then it turned into a group thing."

Bella blinked her eyes, slowly shook her head, and chewed on her bottom lip. She was digesting everything I had laid on her. I saw several emotions play across her features. Sadness, confusion, and then understanding phased in one smooth motion. When her face had settled on understanding, her fingers left my hand that was clutched to her chest and stroked my cheek. My eyes closed in resolve as I felt her lips brush like a feather across my eyelids.

I heard her expel a soft sigh and felt the warm air blow across my face, which smelled a bit sour. I opened my eyes and saw her looking at me.

"Cullen, I can't believe Carlisle did that to Esme, no matter the circumstance. Did he ever tell her?"

I shook my head. "No. He hasn't."

"I see. Well, I'm not going to say anything. It's not my place, but I do think the guys need to be honest with Alice, Rose, and Esme."

"Don't you think it would do more harm than good, at this point in time? Both of those incidents happened a long time ago. It's better to leave it as water under the bridge. They know they made a mistake, and they haven't repeated it."

"I suppose you're right."

Bella wrapped her arm around my back and pulled me into her. I rested against her chest, listening to her breathe. No other words were spoken. We lay spooned together, comforted by the warmth our skin emitted. Her fingers delicately brushed along my back as I placed kisses across her chest and up her neck. The nausea had eased away during the time of our conversation, which now allowed me to bury myself in her neck.

Small gasps blew across my back as my left hand found her breast, giving a light squeeze as my thumb rolled over her taut nipple. I left a trail of kisses on her neck, over her chin, then on her lips. My tongue parted her mouth and was welcomed with a caress from hers. We both moaned at the contact.

While our tongues and mouths danced harmoniously, our hands traveled lower. Her right hand moved down my back, into the waistband of my jeans, and around to the front, groping and stroking my cock. Mine had moved from her breast, back down to the slight swell of her hip, and hitched her leg higher onto my hip. I moved underneath her panties and palmed her little cheek with my hand.

I massaged the one cheek in time with her groping my cock. Our tongues and mouths devoured one another as our bodies writhed against each other, creating wonderful friction. I slipped my middle finger away from the fleshy rump, ran it down the length of her slit, parting her to slip my finger inside of her.

She moaned deep in her throat, never breaking our kiss. Our tangled bodies wriggled harder; her hand stroked my cock faster and my fingers pumped harder into her pussy. Harsh, hard breathes blew across our faces from our noses, making the only sound throughout the bus.

As our hips rock back and forth, Bella broke from our kiss, gasping for air. My mouth instantly locked onto her neck and started sucking. She panted, moaned, and whimpered as her fingernails dug into my back. I growled into her neck. I couldn't wait until Dallas.

Bella brought her mouth to my ear, breathing heavily.

"Cullen, I can't wait for Dallas and the hotel. Take me now. Please."

I didn't make her wait. We discarded what little stitches of clothing we had on, and I rolled on top of her.

My mouth covered her nipple; my teeth rolled the pinkness around as my tongue lapped. Her hips bucked against mine. We both were tired of stalling. I entered her and her legs wrapped around my waist. As the bus rolled down the interstate towards Dallas, Bella and I pleasured each other in the small confines of my bunk.


	14. Chapter 13 Beautiful

**A/N: Where do I even begin? First off, I'm sorry for this being so late. March and April have not been kind months personally. Three of my best friends are dealing with traumatic issues I would never wish on anyone, so I've been spending a lot of time with them. Secondly, one of my best friends lost her husband this month and also was one of my favorite musicians. So that was a double hurt for me. **

**Because of his death, I came very close to pulling this story as it hit too close to home. I will not go into details. This story now takes on a more personal level for me. **

**Another favorite musician of mine died on April 14. RIP Peter Steele 1962-2010.**

**Hugs to adt216  
**

* * *

Chapter 13

"_I love the way you stand in my way_

_You won't move 'til you get a kiss_

_And how you tell me that my name_

_Tastes so sweet on your lips_

_I love the way you hold me with your eyes_

_Hold me so tight that I can't move_

_It's like everything I've ever known is a lie_

_And you're the simple truth_

_Is it a dream or is it real_

_All I know is you make me feel so_

_Beautiful"- 'Beautiful', Faith Hill_

Bella

Cullen lay next to me sleeping calmly. After we…had sex, he rolled me over onto my side and spooned as close to me as he could. I tried to fall back asleep but my mind wandered restlessly. His confessions scuttled through my mind, like a hermit crab seeking shelter.

His past…dark, sin filled past drenched every part of him. I knew there were many other memories he had. I hoped in time he would tell more. They marred his mind. Darker, more abysmal memories remained hidden, ones that he's chosen to block out; yet they branched out into his subconscious festering like an infected wound. Something told me they existed, because why would anyone who wasn't in pain want to ravage his body in the way he does.

Red splatters, golden, amber fluid, and emerald spheres danced around in my mind's eye. My eyelids clamped together, trying to make the images go away, but that only caused them to become sharper. Shrill screams swelled like ocean waves in my ears at the recollection of the noise rapidly escaping my throat while Alice's cold hands tried calming me. Cullen's body had sagged in relief and nothingness claimed his eyes.

Carlisle's words of Persian heroin slammed against the walls of my brain like playing racquetball in an enclosed room, except I couldn't see the two opposing players. Ignorance, anger, and stupidity battled through me, swirling in an angry storm with everything else inside me. Suddenly, anger for Charlie flooded me. I blamed him for my lack of knowledge, blamed him for keeping me sheltered, blamed him for making me feel like a lamb being taken to the slaughter.

He never told me why we never talked about Renee, my mother. I never understood why I held no memories of her. No pictures existed, either in his house or in my possessions. It was as if she never lived. Another issue he kept sheltered from me.

Cullen's breathing accelerated and his arms tightened around me as he mumbled unintelligible words. He had buried his fingers underneath me, into my side. His fingertip melded into my soft flesh with each clutching, holding my lungs prisoner. Just as suddenly as it came on, the dream left with the same swiftness.

He relaxed his arms around me and my lungs blew out a breath. The arm of mine that wasn't pinned under his, brushed along the hairs of his forearm, watching them bristle from the contact. His parting words before blacking out remained at the forefront of my brain.

He liked me. And it was more than just friends. Neither he nor I could define what we actually felt. Was there an actual need for it at this point in time? I didn't see one.

Jealousy ran through each of us at both the sight and idea of someone else touching the other. He saw red at the thought of Mike, and I became infuriated at the sight of girls hanging on him. A sigh strained through my clenched teeth. Jealousy, promises to try to be faithful, and if it happened, he was to let me know and not flaunt it. The more I thought about our situation, the more I did not know what to think of it.

I could easily drive myself crazy with over thinking, which would lead me to being irritable and not enjoying whatever this was. Still, the issue that dug itself under my skin was the drug use.

I had no idea what degree his drug use was-moderate or severe. Either circumstance could have led to his withdrawal and his desperate need for the chemical. There were so many questions I didn't know the answers to, but I knew for myself that I would never touch heroin.

The little bit of cocaine I had done now made me leery. It had made me feel good, very hyperactive, and happy, but I have never been one for being hooked on anything. Sure, I liked certain things that I used often, but never to the point where I was maniacal. The scent of vanilla greatly pleased me. A glass of a good red wine was a great pleasure, and of course, I loved chocolate. However, I never _needed_ them.

Thoughts drifted around like little snow flurries floating in through the air. There were too many to single out. Everything was too raw, too new. In time, I would concentrate on one thought at time. My stomach started growling, and voices from the lounge were stating the same thing. We were all hungry. I recovered my clothing and redressed.

I carefully climbed over Cullen, parted the curtain, and slid out of his bunk. Alice stood in the doorway to the lounge in a black shirt and a black thong. She never cared that others looked her. Her little butt cheeks looked like snowballs as she was as pale as I was. She heard me land on the floor of the hallway and turned her head, looking to see who it was.

"Hey, B, how's he doing this morning?" she asked, her voice still gravelly from sleep.

"He's better, been dry heaving, but those calmed down." I looked past her, focusing on nothing in particular. "He confessed some of his past deeds to me," I hoarsely whispered.

Alice's eyes widened at the admission and quietly spoke, "Oh."

I didn't have time to ask about her reaction because Jasper gathered Alice to his chest.

"We're almost in Dallas, but we all need breakfast since there's no food on the bus. We're stopping at a McDonald's, so you might want to wake Cullen up, but he might not be hungry," Jasper said nonchalantly.

I turned towards Cullen, who was facing the wall, snoring lightly. Jasper and Alice left me with him. Jasper made comments that we all needed more clothing on. Standing on my tiptoes, I reached up and lightly shook Cullen. He made several groans before turning over to face me. I gave him a lazy smile, and he returned mine with a sleepy smirk while rubbing his eyes.

"Jasper told me they are about to stop at a McDonald's for food since there's none on the bus. I thought I would wake you up and ask if you want any."

He shook his head, scrunched up his face, and threw his arm over his eyes.

"Food is the last thing I want. In fact, I have no appetite. Sorry, pretty girl."

I told him it wasn't a problem and he rolled back over to sleep. I knew my backpack was still up front and held my khaki shorts, socks, and tennis shoes. They were better than standing around in nothing but my boy shorts and tank top.

The bus pulled into the parking lot of the McDonald's and parked in the farthest corner it could. All of us but Cullen walked into the fast food restaurant, most feeling a bit hung-over. It was past ten-thirty, so they no longer served breakfast. I looked over the lunch menu. When it came time for me to order, I told the teenage girl I wanted a Big Mac meal with a vanilla milkshake.

I felt several pairs of eyes glued towards my direction. Emmett walked over to me, nudged me with his elbow, and laughed.

"Bellsie seems to have an appetite that rivals mine. I didn't think you'd go for something that big."

I couldn't help but smirk and roll my eyes as I waited for my food. Emmett's order came before mine and could have fed a small tribe. Only he could eat a large Big Mac meal and five apple pies.

Lunch passed uneventfully with talk of tonight's show and that Embry would be waiting for Emmett and Jasper at the club. I mentioned Cullen and I were getting a hotel room so we could take a shower. Everyone liked the idea and said they would go with us.

When I walked back onto the bus, Cullen was sitting on the couch next to my laptop with an unopened bottle of water, his eyes peering through fallen strands of copper. I walked over, pushed my laptop to the side, and sat beside him. He leaned over, hands still in between his legs, and puckered his lips for a kiss. The gesture was normal, as if last night never happened, until I looked at the bandage on his arm.

I didn't want him to notice my uncertainty, so I smiled and leaned over to meet his lips. What I thought would be a chaste kiss quickly turned into tongues sliding against one another and hands gripping and raking through each other's hair. We continued our passionate kissing until we heard several throats clear. I broke away, flushing, and turned to meet everyone staring at us.

"Sorry. We weren't expecting to find you two on the verge of getting naked," Emmett mocked.

Cullen snorted, causing everyone to laugh.

"Big brother, it's good to see you smile. How are you feeling today?" Emmett asked.

"I'm all right, feeling a bit nauseous. Do we have any joints rolled up?" Cullen inquired.

Jasper exhaled an elongated sigh, brushed his left hand through his blond mop, and looked at his cousin.

"Let's just take it easy today. We all partied hard last night. Alice was going to find a grocery store once we get to Dallas. She can pick up some Sprite and ginger ale," he calmly answered.

Cullen nodded in agreement. Carlisle moved past the group, patted his son on the head, and walked back towards the lounge. Alice plopped down on the other couch, tucking her feet under her ass. I knew she wanted something.

"Alice, is there something you want?"

"Oh, it's nothing big. I just wanted to ask if you would go with me to the grocery store."

Cullen laughed before he said, "Ali, I think I'll come along with you girls. Your last shopping outing got out of hand."

I agreed, moved to the other side of the couch, and opened up my laptop.

Charlie had sent two emails asking how I was doing and hoping I was staying out of trouble. Jessica sent me one email showing me new pictures of her son, and Mike sent me an email. I knew he tried calling yesterday, and now there was an email dated from yesterday as well.

I opened the message and saw that he only wanted to know how I was fairing and hoped I was doing well. He didn't have to send an email since he had sent a text to my phone, except his text had said he missed me. Cullen noticed my irritation and cocked a questioning brow.

"Mike sent me an email after he called. He only wanted to know how I'm doing and hoped I'm doing well. All of which could have been left in the text message. I thought it was something important," I said, sounding piqued.

He shrugged and said, "Maybe he thought you were on the computer and then realized you weren't, so he texted."

I grimaced and sent Mike an email back letting him know everything was fine.

Cullen got up and motioned back to the lounge, letting me where he would be. I nodded and went back to replying to emails. Charlie was easy. I told him bits about the two cities we had been to so far and that I was having a great time. Jessica's little boy had grown so much in the short time I had been gone. I missed little Caleb.

By the time I had finished replying to emails and checking my Facebook, we were at the club, The Prophet Bar, sitting in the back parking lot. Carlisle, Jasper, Jake, and Emmett bounded up front and out the door where Jasper and Emmett man-hugged Embry. I hadn't seen him in forever. A minute or so after the others had gone out, John ran out the front too, joining in on the man-hugging. I didn't know John knew Embry that well. I knew he worked with the band sometimes, but still. I shrugged it off and went about my business of gathering my belongings into my backpack.

Alice and Cullen walked down the hallway play fighting and throwing derogatory comments back and forth. When they came into the front, she pulled my arm with a huge smile plastered on her face. He had pulled a white wife beater on.

"What Alice?" I asked worriedly.

"Let's get one of your new outfits out."

"That's what I was going to do."

"Hey, what are you two girls huddling about?" Cullen asked.

Rolling my eyes, I told him nothing that was important.

"So, Bella, Carlisle got us rooms for the night at a Sheraton a few streets over. We can easily stay the night since Houston is only four hours away. Isn't this exciting? We get a decent shower and a bed. Cullen, I love your father," Alice gushed.

I turned to Cullen and instantly my knees went weak. His lips were parted, wet from his tongue, and his eyes were lust filled. He had plans for tonight. A single shiver ran down my spine.

Alice watched the exchange, cleared her throat, breaking me of my staring. I turned back towards my friend, swallowing back air nervously. She looked up at me and smirked. I felt my ears and face flare with heat.

When the three of us exited the bus, John and Embry were already unloading the gear and had pulled up the underside of the bus where our bags were stored. Carlisle had started lining up bags so I walked over to mine, bent down to pull up the handle, and gasped in shock. Plastic shopping bags filled the storage area to the brim. The sight of the retail monstrosity made me feel like shit.

With my head hanging down, I walked over to my bags, picking up one of the Charlotte Russe bags. I rummaged through the Victoria Secret's bag and picked out a shell pink bra and a black bra with their matching panties. I threw my intimates in the Charlotte Russe bag and scampered back to my suitcase. Cullen stood next to mine with his beside him with his arms crossing his chest, smirking.

"What?" I whispered embarrassingly.

"It's cute watching you hide your bra and panties. Don't worry, no one will see them but me, and then they won't be on you too long," he softly spoke before lowering his mouth to mine, nipping at my bottom lip. "Come on, let's get in the taxi."

I looked around his shoulder and found two taxis, one for Cullen and me while the other was for Jasper, Alice, Emmett, and Carlisle. Jake said he was going to hang out with John and Embry. They would be over to the hotel once they were done unloading.

Once everyone got in their taxis, both cars turned left on Elm Street, drove three streets up until we turned right onto North Pearl Street, and quickly turning left on Live Oak Street where we made a final right turn on North Olive Street. The Sheraton towered above us, its red letters a beacon.

The taxis parked underneath the awning at the entrance. I unbuckled my seatbelt, realizing Cullen and I had been quiet on the quick ride over. He got out before I did, raced around the back of the car, and opened up my door. I sat with the buckle in midair, shocked with my mouth gaping open. His gesture was not something I'd ever expect, but I closed my mouth and took his offered hand.

He brought the back of my hand to his lips, grazed them across like feathers, and dipped the tip of his tongue between creases of my closed fingers, flicking it rapidly as if it was a prelude to later activities. Cullen discreetly and quickly displayed his naughty polite gesture before any of the others could notice, but I had watched every millisecond of it and could still feel the heat of his tongue on my fingers.

The sum gleamed off the roof of a car, blinding me as I got out from the taxi, hitching my backpack on my shoulder. I held my cupped hand over my eyes and turned to face Cullen who was paying the cab driver. Carlisle hovered between us with cash in his left hand. He shook his head when his son turned around.

"What, Dad?"

"I was going to pay for the taxis. You didn't need to do that," Carlisle firmly answered.

"Well, you paid for the hotel. The least I could do is pay for my own taxi."

Carlisle smiled and walked back to the other taxi. After his father walked off, Cullen held out his hand, waiting for me. I closed the car door, walked a few steps, and joined my hand with his. The cab driver had gotten out and retrieved our bags from the trunk, while father and son quickly chatted.

We walked together to get our bags from the curb. I pulled away to lean down to pick up the Charlotte Russe bag and to grab the handle to my luggage. He just had to extend the handle on his luggage and he was done. I felt fingers grasping onto the strap of my backpack. I shrugged it off and felt the weight fall from my body. Cullen placed it around his shoulder, leaving me with the plastic shopping bag and my luggage handle. Once we had the luggage secured, we clasped hands again, walking hand in hand into the hotel.

Cool air rushed to my face as we stepped inside. It was a nice welcome from the Dallas heat and blazing sun. Sweat had started seeping from my pores around my hairline; I felt a drop roll down my cheek onto my neck. Cullen walked us over to the counter to check us in as I looked over the lobby. Shades of green, brown, and orange dominated.

The sitting area had a three-seated bark colored sofa against the back wall and two bark colored loveseats on the end with oblong orange and white patterned pillows adorned each seating. Three dark wood tables with rounded tops with three rounded segments for the pedestals, the wider segment on the bottom, sat in front of each seating. Above the loveseat to the left, three lights hung down from the wood support with a mirror behind them.

Behind the sofa was a three sectional wall partition. In the middle, hung a rectangular abstract painting and vases with plants sat on the two ends. Across from the painting was a three-piece ottoman sectional in a dark tan color that was in between two dark wood end tables. Underneath the furnishing was a rug with huge overlapping circles of leaf green with an orange design in them.

I felt welcomed and at home instantly. That was what the hotel wanted. I hadn't noticed our hands weren't connected anymore until he entwined our fingers again, pulling me towards the elevators. As we walked, I tore my eyes away from the scenery and met his eyes. A playful smirk danced upon his lips.

While we walked down a corridor to the elevators, colors of brown and orange ran along the walls and flooring. Huge square placements, surrounded with wood, on the ceiling held the lighting. The walls were a dark chocolate brown with large, rectangular partitions spaced out. In between each partition was a wood bench with lamps on either side.

We reached the elevator; I pushed the up button and waited for lift to descend. Cullen told me our room was two floors above everyone else's rooms, putting us on the eighth floor overlooking downtown Dallas. The ding of the elevator's arrival jolted me, as the corridor was quiet and had no other traffic but us. Cullen chortled as he motioned for me to go ahead of him. He pushed the number eight button on the panel, leaned against the wood handrail, and pulled me into his side to give me a chaste kiss on my nose and then my lips.

He started to pull back up, but my arms flew to wrap around his neck, seizing him against the front of me. His hands roamed down to my ass where his fingers dug into the meat of the cheeks, pressing me harder against him. If we were any closer, our bodies would be one. I stood on my tiptoes, placing featherlike kisses up the left side of his neck, and then dragging my teeth across his earlobe.

A low growl emanated from his throat, making his fingers dig further into my ass cheeks. My mouth traced back down his neck when I felt Cullen lift me up from under my ass, keeping me pressed tight against him. He held me without straining, giving me a better advantage.

My new height had us nose to nose, mouth to mouth. We stared into each other's eyes and then attacked each other's mouths. He turned us around, planting me against the elevator wall. His body held me in place so my legs hung limply down his side. His hips were tightly flushed against my groin, which provided sweet friction.

I wiggled my hips, trying to get as much friction as I could from the front of my khaki shorts. His hands groped my tits, his fingers pinched my nipples, and his mouth left mine to lower to my breasts, giving wet, open-mouthed kisses on the soft flesh. Arching my neck back, my chest shoved further into his face. Loud moans filled the elevator, the thrill of being caught prickled along my skin, causing wetness to pool in my boy shorts.

The elevator dinged and the doors opened. We didn't stop grinding, groping, and kissing, and we gave a hallway full of people a show before one of them cleared their throats. When Cullen pulled away slightly, I dropped back to the floor, moved around him, and gathered up my bags that I had dropped onto the floor of the elevator. I pushed past him and the crowd of people and walked hurriedly down the hallway. Footsteps that sounded like running thundered behind me before catching up to my quick stride.

"Are you okay, pretty girl?" he asked me breathily.

I rolled my eyes up at him and shook my head.

"I'm mortified. We were all but fucking," I muttered.

He laughed, stopped in the hallway, leaving me walking past him. I stopped and turned around, fuming.

"Babe, our room is in the other direction. The room number is eight thirty-two. We're in the teens."

Immaturely, I stomped my right foot and huffed. Quickly I gathered my bearings. I walked over to him, took his left hand in my right, and tugged him in the correct direction of our room. He complied and took the lead in finding our room.

Our room was at the end of the hallway- the last room- so we only shared one wall. After we got the green light on the door, we walked in, and the first thing I noticed was the huge king sized bed set against the wall that didn't have a neighbor. Cullen must have noticed that same thing because his eyes were heavy lidded and he turned towards me with his lips parted and one eyebrow raised. Would we ever get out to join Alice for the grocery shopping?

The bed's headboard was wide with two shades of brown- milk and dark chocolate- with rounded corners. Its sheets were snow white and crisp. The carpet was brown with a tan flowered pattern running over it. Each side had nightstands with lamps on them that had a body that looked like a giant glass leaf and the base was metal with white lampshades. There were four lamps altogether. One was on the long desk at the end where a red chair sat tucked underneath the desk; the big wide screened television was at the other end. The other lamp was a floor lamp and it sat next to a red armchair with its ottoman that had a little table to its right.

The opposing wall from the bed was painted a cream color to go along with the color scheme. White thin curtains hung from the curtain rod with cream-colored drapes opened to the side. I rolled my suitcase to the end of the bed and placed my backpack and plastic shopping bag in the red armchair. Cullen sat his luggage on top the suitcase rack that he had opened.

Looking at the expensive furnishing and decorations made me start to feel dirtier than I already felt, a shower was necessary immediately. Cullen unzipped his suitcase and pulled out his toiletries, placing them on the bathroom counter and in the shower. I walked over to mine, opened it, and gathered up my toiletries and the Charlotte Russe bag.

The bathroom light was on when I walked in. Cullen stood shirtless in front of the sink, shaving his face. He turned his head when he noticed my reflection in the mirror and smiled. I returned one back, finding it impossible not to with his face half way covered in white shaving cream. There was a metal caddie bolted into the wall next to the long, black rimmed mirror. I hung the Charlotte Russe bag on the lone bar and placed my toiletries next to his.

Underneath the sink counter, neatly folded and stacked, were big, fluffy white towels and wash cloths. Cullen placed his razor on the edge of the sink, bent down to grab two of the towels, and turned back around to offer them to me. I took them, holding them against my chest, and walked behind him. As I walked by him, he moved a fraction, his bare back grazing my right arm.

I placed the towels on the rack that was next to the shower and reached over to turn the water on for my shower. Strong, damp hands encircled my waist, pulling me swiftly back into the front of his body and his large bulge. Air rushed out of my lungs, startling me at the unexpected movement.

My arms instinctively went around his neck, making me tilt my head to the side, giving him access to my neck. Warm, soft lips glided up the length of the exposed skin, lightly pecking at random intervals. His hot breath brushed against my ear, moving down my neck. My eyes remained closed, enjoying the light, erotic teasing his lips were doing. One hand kept me in place while the other traveled up my stomach, grazed the apex of my ribcage, and then grouped both of my tits together. He tried to pinch both nipples at once, and at first, it was a little complicated, but with the right maneuvering, he managed to pinch both.

Cullen ground his hard dick into my ass while pinching and groping my tits and kissing and breathing down my neck. I was on the verge of coming when I got a whiff of sour body odor. The movement of our bodies was heating them up and moving caused the stench from my armpit to waft up in my face. That stopped everything. I knew if my armpits smelled that bad, then other places possibly smelled worse.

"Cullen, we have to stop. I stink and I can't fuck if I can smell myself," I breathily pleaded.

He turned me around and I saw once again that he was smirking.

"Bella, right this moment, I don't care if you do stink. I'm sure I smell like rotten ass also. I just want to fuck you."

"I can't. Not until I'm clean and have shaved legs and armpits."

I had noticed little prickly hairs when I looked at them before pulling away from him.

He blew out an aggravated sigh, ran his hand through his messy hair, and said okay. I kissed him on the shoulder and told him I would be out shortly before he walked out, shutting the door behind him.

Steam billowed out from behind the shower curtain, signaling the water was excessively hot. I reached behind the curtain to adjust the temperature while making sure I didn't scald myself. After I found the right temperature, I discarded my clothing, wrinkling my nose when the stench rose up to my nose.

Before I got into the shower, I grabbed my razor, shave gel, shampoo and conditioner, and body wash; I hugged them close to my body. The water stung a bit upon my entrance, making me wince while I arranged my items. After arranging the items, I leaned back into the spray, wetting my hair. I moaned at the warm water soaking my scalp, giving it a mini massage. The oil in my hair felt thicker after being wet.

I reached for the shampoo, Warm Vanilla Sugar from Bath and Body Works. The smell for sure would drive Cullen crazy. Alice had introduced me to the store and the scent. It was love at first sniff. I wound up buying the shampoo and conditioner, lotion, and perfume. I would be a walking sea of vanilla and sugar.

After washing my hair, I drenched the ends of my hair with the conditioner. While I let that soak in, I washed and shaved. It was disgusting how gross I had gotten. I quickly washed out the conditioner and turned off the water. I knew Cullen wanted a shower also.

I wrapped one of the towels around my head and dried off with the other, wrapping it around my body once I was done. Steam had built up in the bathroom, so I opened the door, and watched as it billowed out into the room. I had forgotten my lotion and antiperspirant in my suitcase, so I gathered up the plastic shopping bag and walked out into the room.

Cullen was sitting up against the headboard with pillows behind him, supporting his back. He was watching some action movie. I threw the bag on the bed and the towel onto the floor, causing him to tear his eyes from the movie and to my tits and naked body.

His eyes narrowed, his lips parted, and his tongue quickly wetted his bottom lip. He sucked in his cheek, making a suction sound, and then releasing it. While I had been in the shower, he had stripped off his clothing, leaving him naked. Therefore, at the sight of me nude, he gifted me with the hardening of his massive cock. I knew what he wanted.

"Cullen, we're not having sex until you've had a shower, too."

His predatory glare concentrated on me as he slid off the bed, making his way to where I stood by my suitcase in the red armchair. He was in front of me before I had a chance to move, standing in my way and towering over me.

My fingers rested on the top of the case, helping me balance myself. I could smell his musky scent, his manly smell, wafting off him. Most would be turned off by the heady smell, but it spurred on my excitement for him. I watched as the green in his eyes burned brighter as he leaned closer into me.

"Bella, I'm not going to move until I get a kiss," he breathed into my ear huskily. One hand had made its way to my left tit, and now his fingers rolled and pinched the nipple. I lowered my face and turned towards his mouth. His hot breath fumed against the skin on my cheek. Then suddenly, his mouth ravaged mine. I quickly reciprocated, our tongues making love fervently.

Loud pants of breath from our noses blew across our lips and cheeks. His hand and fingers massaged, rolled, and pinched. His other hand palmed my ass cheek and pulled my naked body against his. I writhed on his hard cock, making him groan. He pulled his hand from my ass to my knee, hitching my leg to his pelvic bone. The movement made his cock lower to my pussy where the length parted my lips and rubbed against my clit.

I shuddered at the feeling, moaning into his moan, which elicited a growl from deep in his throat. He rocked his slowly hips back and forth, making the friction on my clit not be enough, and for me to feel as if I was about to explode out of my skin. The slow rocking and rubbing continued as our mouths hungrily kissed. When I came close to an orgasm, he pulled away, just enough to pull his dick away from me. His forehead still rested against mine, as his nose touched the tip of mine, and his lips hovered above my mouth.

"Bella," he breathily said, "your name sounds so sweet on my lips."

He murmured my name repeatedly as he let my leg down and moved that hand to my lower back, bracing me so I couldn't move. His hand that had been on my breast had moved to the towel on my head, releasing its hold on my hair. Wet strands swept across my shoulders and back but quickly picked up as his hand moved to underneath the mass of hair, pulling it up.

A firm grip tugged on my hair, drawing my head back so my face looked up into his eyes. They held me in place, the intensity in them telling me emotions that I knew he wanted to verbalize. In that moment, it felt as if my whole life had been a lie constructed by my father because of who he thought I should be. In the eyes of the man before me, I saw who I could be. Everything in our relationship has been complicated from the start, but in reality, the truth was simple. He was just a man, and I was just a woman. He made me feel beautiful when no one in my life ever had.

"Cullen, in your arms and in your gaze, I feel like I could fly across the clear, blue Dallas sky. You make me feel…so beautiful with the longing stares you give me, the tender touch of your hand, and the searing kisses of your lips," I whispered.

A tiny smile parted his lips. He placed a single kiss on the tip of my nose before moving to the side of my face, nestling in my hair.

"You smell even more exquisite than you already did. The cake frosting smell is intensified with a hint of an actual cake smell. I could eat you alive."

I felt his warm breath sweep down my neck, ending on my back. His hand on my lower back loosened as his fingers lightly danced on my skin as if he was touching the wings of a butterfly.

"Bella, I'm going to get a shower like you want, but when I come out, I want you on the bed, awaiting my return, with your legs spread out before me."

He abruptly moved away, causing me to exhale a breath I didn't know I had been holding. The air felt cold in his absence. I watched him walk across the room, in awe of his beautiful, pale form. When the door closed behind him, I rapidly found my lotion and antiperspirant. I slathered my skin with the Warm Vanilla Sugar lotion and swiped my underarms with the Vanilla Chai deodorant. He would be drowning in the decadent aroma.

I climbed onto the bed, moved to the center, and laid down on my back. I swept my hair out over my shoulders, moving my hands down to my nipples to roll them between my fingers as I spread my legs out hips width apart. As I heard the shower water run down his body and the shower walls, I awaited his return, open and wet.


	15. Chapter 14 Love's Requiem

**A/N: I quickly wrote this chapter this week w/ in a day's time. I don't know when that will happen again, but I will try and update more often.**

**Thank you to my betas adt216 and lambcullen.**

**

* * *

Chapter 14**

"_Take me into your arms and sing me your beautiful song,_

_Hold me until we're one and sing me your beautiful song." _

_-'Love's Requiem', HIM_

**B.**

The water shut off and the sound of the shower curtain pulling to the side resounded through the room. Butterflies tickled my insides. My pelvic muscles clenched in excitement, nervousness. There was nothing to be nervous about; it's not as if we haven't fucked before, but there was something primal about his parting words that stirred up fear of what he was about to do to my body, inflaming my libido.

The door opened with clouds of steam rolling up towards the ceiling. Flopping noises from the bathroom piqued me, making me raise up on my elbows. Cullen walked out with a towel wrapped low around his hips and towel drying his hair. When he was done, he threw the towel on the floor in the bathroom and flipped the light off.

His eyes journeyed from my face, down to my tits, the flat plane of my stomach, and then to my pussy. His eyelids closed halfway as he groaned. The white towel tented outwards; I knew it was his erection. My eyes moved to several droplets of water traveling down his shoulder and chest. His body was damp. I longed to run my tongue along the grooves of his abdomen, tasting his fresh, clean, damp skin.

Somehow, he sensed my yearning. The white towel dropped from his hips, revealing a perfectly erect, long, and thick cock. He kept himself neatly groomed, unlike Mike, whose pubes looked like a nineteen seventies porno mustache. I squeezed my eyes, trying to disconnect from the mental picture and concentrate on the perfection that was before me.

When I opened my eyes, I saw Cullen's eyebrows furrowed and his lips pressed tight. I inwardly chastised myself. He thought I was displeased with him.

"Cullen, come here. My reaction had nothing to do with you. In fact, I had been internally admiring your personal grooming."

I got up into a sitting position so I could easily get off the bed and walk over to him, but his look stopped me from swinging my legs off the bed and planting my feet onto the carpet. His upper lip slightly snarled.

"Do not move from that bed," he growled.

I did not move or breathe, for that matter. As he walked over to his suitcase, his muscles glided under his skin and along his bones. He flipped the top of it up and reached into the mesh pouch for something. I could not see what it was as his back and ass were in my line of vision.

Whatever it was, he held it with a clenched fist as his other hand lowered the suitcase lid. I had scooted up against the headboard, leaning back, with my legs spread apart as my hands rested at my side. Cullen walked around to the other side of the bed, planted his left knee and hands on the covers, and scooted up until he sat beside me, his hand still closed around the mysterious item.

"What do you have in your hand?" I softly asked, quirking an eyebrow.

He uncurled his hand, showing me a mini pocket mirror, a plastic card, a baggie of white powder and cut piece of a straw. Cocaine. I had grown familiar with its appearance, but where had he gotten it?

"Where did you get that? I don't recall anything but the heroin coming out of Carlisle's safe."

"It's not from my father's safe. I've got shit stashed in various places, except Golden Girl." His voice trailed off after saying her name.

He shrugged his shoulders and began placing the items on the white comforter. The mirror, the card, the cut straw, and the baggie of coke lay out before me. The sex the other day had been after doing coke, but it was hours after, not immediately after. The high would be fresh and we would be riding it during sex.

I watched in fascination as the powder was poured out onto the glass of the mirror and then chopped into six lines. Cullen picked up the piece of plastic straw, leaned forward, and snorted four of the lines, leaving the other two for me. I held the straw with a trembling hand. He was snorting the remnants into his nose and wiping his nostrils free of residue. The drug took effect a minute or so later. His eyes glazed over and a wide, crooked smile eased its way on his face.

"Pretty girl, what are you waiting for? I promise, a fresh high while having sex will be the best feeling you'll ever have," he quickly rattled out, while somehow making his words sound sexual.

I looked away from his stare, not really focusing on anything. The straw still shook in my hand, which had become slightly more noticeable. I saw from the corner of my eye that he had raised an eyebrow, waiting for me to answer. Quietly, I smoothed out a crease in the comforter, placed my shaking hand onto my bent knee, bit my bottom lip, and looked over at him.

"I'm just skeptical. Yes, the other day, the coke made me feel 'happy', but I don't feel a need to do it. I don't need anything to heighten a sexual experience. Just being with you is enough," I said, softly.

Cullen leaned over and kissed my lips, lingering a bit before swiping his tongue along the line of my bottom lip. I smelled his skin and hair, fresh soap and man. His fingers grazed over my collarbone, up the line of my neck, and finally resting in my hair as his thumb caressed on my cheek. The palm of his hand tilted the back of my head upwards so I looked directly into his eyes.

They burned with lust, sex, and the power to want to possess. I felt his breath warm on my face, smelling of mint. My gaze fixed onto his eyes, but they searched my face. Finally, he came back to my stare. He held me there, frozen in place. I felt his other hand roam up my leg, faintly touch my lower lips, and rest on my hip, his fingers digging into the curve.

Cullen lowered his mouth and nose to my jawbone and ran his nose along the line and curve. He rested his lips against my ear, placing a light, chaste kiss. I shuddered in response. I pulled back enough to where my lips were a fraction away from his. Lightly pressing, I felt him give way to the kiss. The weight deepened it, making us moan into one another.

His fingers massaged into the skin on my hip. His grip in my hair pulled it taut. I moved one hand from the comforter to his rigid, colossal hard on, firmly gripping before massaging the head and the shaft. Swiftly, he tore himself from the lip lock, hovering half an inch from my mouth, panting. He closed his eyes, bit his lower lip and gave a wickedly, lustful grin.

He hastily regained control of the situation by crashing his mouth back onto mine, encircling both arms around my waist, and pressing me hard against him. We both breathed raggedly, harsh breaths filling the room. Both hands moved from my waist and rushed to underneath my hair, pulling it off my back.

The grip he had yanked my mouth from his; my ribs heaved from being breathless. He gathered my hair into one clutch as the other hand moved down to collect the mirror with the blow on it. The straw had fallen from my hand and rolled against my leg. My hand still clung to his hard cock, but I removed it so I could hold the mirror that he handed me.

I sat slowly back down, trying not to spill the white powder onto the bed. Cullen offered the straw again and I took it. With the mirror in one hand and the straw in the other, I lowered my face closer to the glass, sticking the straw up one nostril. He moved behind me, sliding his legs alongside mine, pressing his cock into my back, reaching his hands around to grope my tits and roll my nipples.

Everything was feeling exquisite. I moaned in the back of my throat and pressed my ass harder against his cock. This time I didn't hesitate. I easily snorted my two lines, handing him the straw and the mirror once I was done.

A moment later, a rush of heat and energy tore all throughout my body. The rush gave away to a pulsating energy, an urge to move. Sexual desire inflamed every nerve ending. My hands wanted to touch him everywhere and for him to touch me everywhere.

Sensing my violent need, Cullen applied more pressure as he pinched my nipples, igniting a shockwave of desire more intense than what was running between us. I bucked hard against him, screaming out. I wanted hard, rough, fast sex. I wanted him to fuck me from behind, so I launched myself onto the bed with my ass high in the air. There was no need for further foreplay. I was ready and didn't want to wait any longer.

He loudly gasped at the instant invitation before lunging for my ass. His cock roughly impaled my opening, slamming my ass against his hips. He eased out halfway and slammed into me once more, both times eliciting a primal scream from my mouth, causing me to rear back.

Once he stayed inside me, he quickly found a swift, hard rhythm. A frantic energy buzzed through me as it tried to find a way to escape. The coke made me feel the swell and tightening of my walls more intensely, making me crave harder and faster pounding. I ordered Cullen to do so and he obliged. Our skin slapped together loudly, echoing throughout the room, competing with our screams and moans.

A million feelings coursed everywhere along my nerves, up my spine, and meeting in my pelvic area, wanting to erupt like a volcano. The intensity was becoming too much. I screamed, clawed the covers, and slapped the bed. He kept up the rhythm and speed. Several orgasms ripped through me, sending white light into my eyes.

My body shook violently, but Cullen didn't stop. He was like a battering ram. Wave after wave of orgasms ripped continuously with the coke enhancing each feeling. We both had the energy to run a marathon, even with me having endless orgasms.

He sat back on the bed, holding onto me by my waist, never slipping out of me. After he leaned against the headboard, he placed his hands on my hips and moved them back and forth until I became conscious enough to start moving on my own. My back was towards him as I rode him in reverse.

The head of his cock rubbed against that spot that made my vision flood with searing white light, caused me to moan and scream loudly, and for my body to buck and jerk around. He saw I had problems controlling the swivel and rock of my hips, so he gripped the sides and helped guide me as he moved underneath me.

We each grinded hard on one another and sped our movements. His hips were bouncing off the bed, lifting me in the air, and he held me firmly by my waist. I felt him tighten inside and one of his hands tightly gathered a wad of covers. As one last orgasm quaked through me, a warm sensation filled me, mixing with mine.

Cullen and I flopped onto the bed, him on his back and me next to him. Aftershocks rippled throughout my body, making me whimper. Our breathing was ragged. Sweat dripped and rolled everywhere, causing hairs to prickle in the cold air from the air unit. I shivered severely, knowing the coke heightened the coldness.

Somehow, he rolled off the bed to fetch the towel he had dropped on the floor. He moved towards me with the towel covering his hands. The soft fibers felt like silk and velvet, and sounded as if they were whispering words I couldn't understand with each pull on my skin. My body was languid, but my mind and senses were alive. The sudden urge to laugh ran through my mind.

The urge to laugh gained strength, though I wasn't aware as to why until I looked down and saw him drying off my feet. Nothing would override the tickling sensation, and I couldn't quite verbalize to him a way to make it stop. If I could, I would have told him to grip firmer or to slap my feet, which overrides the sensation. However, those words wouldn't form; therefore, my laughing fit was a result.

Everything struck me funny- the twitch in the corner of his mouth, the way my tits jiggled around while laughing. Soon, Cullen gave in to my laughing fit and joined in at laughing at everything. We laid in bed, sprawled out, fingertips and toes touching, just laughing. We would look over at each other and start laughing.

Finally, the laughing came to an end, and I wanted to just touch him, spoon with him, kiss him. He must have felt the same way because he rolled over and scooped me into his arms, nestling me into the curve of his body and the nook under his chin.

I sighed contentedly. My body felt heavy, like it wanted to succumb to sleep, but my mind was in overdrive. I looked over at the clock on the nightstand and saw it was only two-thirty in the afternoon. I knew Alice would be around soon, wanting to go grocery shopping. Cullen smoothly stroked his fingertips down the length of my body, starting at my ear and ending behind my knee and then starting the route over.

Our breathing had evened out but I felt my pulse hammering in my ears, thundering like the hooves of horses on solid ground. Everything else around us was peaceful. If my mind and heart would slow down, I would have welcomed sleep. As his fingers slid over my skin, I absentmindedly drew geometric shapes on his arm that had me pinned against him. In the midst of my racing thoughts, one lingered in the shadows. How long would the easiness we had right now last?

I didn't have long to ponder that thought, though it didn't vanish but merely crept back into the shadows. There was a tiny knock on the door. I knew it was Alice. Cullen groaned in my ear before kissing my bare shoulder and rolling off the bed to grab a pair of black pants, a white Hard Rock Café tee, and black and white Chucks. I waited until he closed and locked the bathroom door before scuttling off the bed, wrapping a towel around me.

Alice looked at me with wide gray eyes, taking in my lack of clothing. I moved aside so she could come in. She walked straight to the bed and sat on the edge of, not bothering to notice its disheveled state.

"Bella, I was hoping you would be ready to go by now. I hope Cullen is getting dressed."

"He's in the bathroom now. How far is the grocery store from here?" I asked as I walked over to the Charlotte Russe bag, grabbing out the shell pink Victoria's Secret bra and panties.

"I looked online and saw there's one five minutes from here called Urban Market. You two need to hurry. Carlisle has a taxi downstairs waiting," she ordered.

I slipped on the shell pink seamless panty after putting on the matching bra. I had no idea what was in the Russe bag but Alice snatched the bag and quickly pulled out a pale pink, lace trimmed, V-neck cami, cut off denim shorts with little studs lining the curve of the pockets and frayed edges, and dark denim, split toe wedge sandals.

Cullen walked out the bathroom just as she lined up the articles of clothing. The pants and t-shirt hung loosely on his body frame, almost swallowing him. I gasped at the sight, which made Alice look up from trying to accessorize the little outfit. Her eyes widened, her mouth slightly gaping. Apparently, she recognized the clothes, and I knew that they didn't always hang that loose on him. I wondered how much weight he had lost.

He walked over to his suitcase, not noticing us staring, and pulled out a black, wooden bead bracelet, slipping it on his wrist. Alice looked over at me with her eyes full of concern and minutely shook her head. I grimaced and walked over to her. I pulled the cami over my head and smoothed it down into place. Alice handed the cutoffs and I stepped into them, quickly pulling them up. She plopped the shoes on the floor. I slipped them on and grabbed the little hand bag I used as a purse.

"You look beautiful."

I looked up and saw him admiring me. We both were still high. I saw his fingers tapping rapidly against the leg of his pants. My heart was racing in chest, and I fought the urge to fidget. Alice darted her eyes from me over to him several times. When she realized the truth, she turned to face him with fists sitting on her waif hips.

"Cullen, what are the both of you high on?" she asked, trying to conceal her anger.

"I believe the answer would be coke, Pixie," he said tauntingly.

Confusion marred her face as she tried to figure out where he got it.

"Ali, don't hurt your brain. I have shit stashed in various places with Golden Girl being the exception. Dad has that locked up."

She threw up hands in the air in defeat. She knew there was no point in arguing.

"Come on. The taxi's waiting. Cullen, please don't embarrass me while we're shopping. That's all I ask," she pleaded.

"Don't worry. I'll keep him in line," I said as I tried to ease her worries.

"Bella, you're high, too."

"I only did two lines. He did four."

Alice cringed and balled her fists tighter.

"I'm not going to argue."

I felt like shit, which dampened my high. That was a good thing. I walked past her, took Cullen's hand, and walked to the door, leaving it open for Alice.

The shopping trip was uneventful and quiet. Alice didn't go all out; Cullen being with us subdued her spending. Helper meals, canned tuna and chicken, pasta meals, rice meals, junk food, sandwich meat, bread, fruit, bacon, eggs, milk, cereal, and pancake mix was the food content for the bus. Several cases of beer and soda were added in, too.

I stood by the taxi, watching as Cullen loaded the groceries onto the bus and Alice put them away. They made a great team, and ten minutes later, we headed back to the hotel. Carlisle texted to say we had two hours before the band was needed at the club for sound check.

After the taxi rode off, Alice marched her way back into the hotel, leaving Cullen and me outside in front the main entrance. He nodded to a cluster of trees across the street.

"Let's go and lay under the shade of the trees."

I smiled up at him as he pulled my hand.

The heat was still stifling, but somewhat endurable. Once we got under the shade, it went from not being able to breathe to only a minimal pressure on your chest. I was sweating despite the tiny fabrics of clothing I wore. He was sweating also; neither of us complained, though.

He sat down on the lush grass and looked up at me. I slowly made my way down, placing my hands out to the side for balance. He grasped my wrist to help steady me. If I was to fall on my face, now would be the time, but nothing happened. The grass of cool on my skin as I lay back, looking up into the tops of the trees. Cullen held my hand now as he was lying on his back.

A breeze that I'm sure would have been cool if not for the sultry heat, blew across our skin, ruffling my hair. We laid in silence for a while, only holding hands, and not looking at each other. He broke the quietness.

"Isn't this nice? Us getting away from the chaos and bullshit, even though we're still surrounded by the downtown Dallas traffic," he calmly said.

I turned my head to look at his profile. His eyes were closed, his breathing was even, and he looked peaceful. Wanting to look at him more, I rolled over onto my side, curling my arms under my head for support.

"Are you ever at peace?" I asked.

He breathed in deeply and exhaled.

"Not really. Even when I'm mentally numb, there's a war in my head."

I looked down at the blades of grass and thought of my own issues with my father that I've only in the past few months realized I had. Why did he shelter me my whole life? Why didn't he let me figure things out for myself? Why my mother was never mentioned? Why were there no pictures of her?

The rest of our time spent among the trees was in silence, grazes of fingers and arms were our only forms of communication. There was only a slight tingle along my nerves, telling me the coke still had a small hold over me. I looked over at Cullen moments before we had to leave and found him napping. I wondered if he was at peace in his sleep.

The Dallas show was one of their best I've seen so far. Carlisle was elated as was the band and crew. Alice seemed to have moved on from earlier that afternoon. She stood by me before and during the show. Girls noticed Cullen gripping me firmly at the waist, which led to ugly sneers and several stink eyes. I noticed a lot of pointing and whispering and a few "who is she?" or "where did he find her?"

Before the show and afterwards, his phone kept chiming with texts and he would turn his back and send a quick reply. Alice whispered not to worry about them. I couldn't help but doing so. The rest of the band and crew wanted to stay behind, but I was tired. Alice said she was too and would accompany me back to the hotel. Cullen told me he wouldn't be too much longer, but I knew better, so I didn't hold him to his word. We kissed the boys goodbye and set out to catch a taxi.

While we waited outside for the taxi to arrive, Alice rattled on about all the whores that had showed up. I nodded in the right places and replied with "uh huh's" when needed, but I really wasn't listening. Two people at the other end of the parking lot caught my attention. Loud moans and grunts echoed through the hot, night air. Alice stopped in mid rant and looked around my shoulder.

"Oh my god! That guy is getting a blow job," she hoarsely whispered.

She went back to her ranting, but my attention was on the two people in the parking lot. I watched and studied them. The guy had his arms out stretched on the side of a car with his head resting on the roof of it. The other person was on the ground on their knees, bobbing their head up and down. Their head sped up, making the guy raise his head. When he did, I saw it was Jake. My eyes widened in shock. A few seconds later, I realized the person on the ground blowing him was John. It hit my like a freight train. Jake was gay. Gay people didn't bother me. It just shocked me to find out he was.

Embry came out the front door and walked over to Alice and me.

"Have you girls seen Jake or Paul?"

"Paul?" I asked.

"Yes, John. His name is John Paul. Bella, I'm surprised you didn't recognize him."

Fuck! I hadn't remembered Paul. It had been years since I had seen any of the guys from the reservation.

"Em, it's been a long time since I've seen any of you, and I haven't seen either one of them."

Alice said she hadn't either and went back to ranting after Embry left. I looked back over to the parking lot and found it empty. I knew Jake's reason for keeping it a secret. He was right; they would be pissed at him for keeping it a secret. They wouldn't care about him being gay. The anger would come from the lying.

Our taxi finally came and took us back to the hotel. We parted ways once we got off the elevator. I was alone in the hotel room. It felt amazing to be by myself for a change. I missed it. This also gave me time to scour Cullen's belongings for more stashed drugs. After slipping the wedges off and taking off the shorts and bra, I walked over to his suitcase and opened the top. I rummaged through every suitcase pocket, clothes pocket, and container. I found two other baggies of coke. I flushed the powder down the toilet and wound up going down to the lobby to throw the plastic bags away. I hoped he had forgotten about those, as I was sure he had others stashed elsewhere.

Once I was back in the room, I pulled the covers back and slid underneath. The remote laid on the nightstand so I reached over for it. Turning on the television, I switched to HBO and saw an old episode of True Blood. I was asleep before it ended.

I woke up, thinking I had been sleeping for hours but saw it had only been two. The clock on the nightstand read three in the morning, and Cullen still wasn't here yet. I knew he would be at the club longer than he said he was. I turned the lamp off, rolled over and went back to sleep.

When I awoke again, muted, gray light covered the room. It was early morning. I stretched my arm out over the cold and empty bed. Rolling over, I saw the clock read six A.M. and a sliver a light sliced low on the opposing wall. I got up and walked over to the bathroom.

The door was closed, so I slowly turned the knob and walked in. Nothing was out of order on the counter, but the shower curtain was closed. Part of me was scared to find what was behind the vinyl curtain. I gripped the end of it with my left hand, closed my eyes in hesitation, and flung it open. Upon opening my eyes, I saw Cullen passed out in the tub with two bottles of Heineken tucked into his side. Soft snores filled the air in the bathroom. He looked at peace. He was already going to have a kink in his neck and back, but he needed to get in bed.

I shook his arm several times before he cracked open an eyelid. He didn't say anything to me as he fumbled to get up. He took my hand and used the shower wall to prop up on as he got his footing. When he tried stepping out of the tub, we both fell to the floor. He caught his landing by stretching out his hand. I landed with a loud thud as my head hit the side of the tub.

I winced in pain, rubbing the spot on my head where it hurt. He was stiff, as I knew he would be, as he tried getting up to help me.

"I got it. I need to be helping you since I'm sure you're stiff."

"I'm fine. I just want to get into bed," he mumbled.

We both shuffled to the bed. He would get a few hours of sleep in the bed. We would have to be in Houston by five, and the drive was a little over four hours. I took off his shoes and pants, placed his legs under the covers, and moved them up to his chest. He had already passed back out.

I rounded up clothes from my suitcase-light, gray yoga pants, slate blue spaghetti tank, and white flip flops- and went to take a shower. After I was dressed, I heard my Blackberry vibrating and saw I had a text from Alice asking if I wanted to go to breakfast at the hotel's restaurant. I sent a quick reply of "yes," and I kissed Cullen on his forehead and walked out the room.

As I rode down on the elevator, I couldn't help but feel heaviness in my gut and chest. The feeling gave a sense of foreshadowing, and from what I was feeling, I knew I wouldn't like what would happen. The elevator dinged, signaling it had reached its destination. Alice's beaming face greeted me as I stepped off, and I stuffed the impending darkness back into the dark corners of my mind. I had to enjoy what I could while I still had the chance.

Alice and I both ordered French toast, eggs, bacon, and coffee. While we waited on our food, we drifted from one mindless topic to the other. She did mention that Jasper didn't get back to their room until four-thirty in the morning. Apparently, she had been irate. I asked if Cullen had been with him, and she said they had come back up together. I told her I found him passed out in the bathtub with the curtain pulled to the side. That elicited a snorting laugh. I didn't find it funny.

We ate our food in comfortable silence until Carlisle saw us. He sat down and ordered coffee and scrambled eggs with toast. He told Alice and I that he was happy to have both us on the road and that he was more than thrilled with my job performance. He had me scheduled for a few hours in Houston and I welcomed the distraction. I needed to get Carlisle in private so I could have a discussion with him about giving me more hours.

His food arrived as we finished ours. We sat and talked for a few more minutes until his phone rang. It was Esme. Alice and I left money to cover our food, but Carlisle forced us to take it back. He would pay for breakfast.

By the time we reached the eighth floor, it was only a quarter to eight. Alice said he had to get Jasper up and showered, that it would take an hour just to wake him up. I knew I was facing the same issue.

When I made my way inside the room, I noticed the bed was empty and the bathroom door was open with the light on. However, when I looked in, the bathroom was empty, so I walked around the corner and found Cullen drying off. Once he heard me in the room, he dropped the towel, sprinted over to me, and scooped me up. We landed on the bed and before I could ask what was going on, I was naked under him with my legs spread apart. He was buried deep within me, quickly giving me my first orgasm of the morning. We had sex multiple times until thirty minutes before we left for the bus and for Houston. Emmett later asked, in front of everyone, why I was walking funny. He was answered by Cullen's fist to his face. Alice and I high fived each other as Jasper, Carlisle and the others laughed.


	16. Chapter 15 Romance That Hurts

**A/N: Okay, I'm going to make any excuses as to why I was late updating. I, like many of you, love to read fan fiction. So, that is what has had me tied up. I knew this chapter wouldn't be long. It's sorta a filler chapter, but not. I needed to move time along in this story. If every city had it's on chapter, this story would be very long.**

**Here are the stories that have had me captivated from writing:**

**The Unaccompanied Soul- **JMCullen09

**Just Wait- **InstantKarmaGirl

**Strings- **jdbeaner

**The Harder They Fall- **Ironic Twist

**Thank you to my beta adt216 for doing this, even though she was sick.**

**So here's chapter 15**

**

* * *

Chapter 15**

"_There's a romance between us but it only hurts"_

_-'Down the Drain,' Poisonblack_

**B.**

**Houston**

Houston was normal. Nothing extraordinary happened. We got there early, which gave me extra time to set up my equipment and to relax before I started working. Work had been normal. Jasper, Carlisle, and Jake wanted full body massages. Alice wanted her feet done, and Cullen just wanted his back worked on.

I didn't confront Jake. It wasn't my place, but then I felt that he would feel better if the truth just came out. I wanted to find time before we got to Atlanta for Cullen's birthday to talk to Jake.

On the bus ride from Dallas to Houston, Cullen had been doting when he wasn't glued to his phone or laptop. Out of nowhere, he became obsessed with texting, IMing, emailing, and his Facebook. No one else seemed to be noticing his new obsession but me.

I guess he thought if he showered me with kisses, intimate touches, and naughty whispers that I would be easily placated. Too bad for him that he didn't know that one of the skills that massage therapists attain over time is the ability to pay close attention to people and their surroundings. Is it wrong to wish that his sudden in depth interest be that of a dealer rather than another girl? I know I was being stupid thinking that way. Either option could possibly take him away from me.

After I had finished work, I changed tops- replacing my polo with a plain white, spaghetti strapped tank- leaving my khaki shorts on, and I changed out of my work shoes into cheap, white flip-flops. Everyone sat around playing video games, talking, or was fully submersed in the internet world. I was the odd person out. I wanted sleep.

No one had noticed me at the entrance of the lounge, so no one knew I had climbed into to the bunk that Cullen and I shared. Once I lay down on the cold sheets, my body instinctually drew into itself since it didn't have the usual warm body next to it. In that moment, I knew my feelings for Cullen had intensified. Physically, emotionally, and mentally I had grown accustomed to him.

Violently, someone had awakened me by shaking my body and telling me it was time to head inside the club. Someone's hand had gripped my elbow and turned me over, pulling me out of the bunk and causing me to scrape my back. After I had gained equilibrium and winced in pain, my eyes stared into the angry eyes of Cullen. I felt my eyebrows pinch together as my right one quirked in question. His top lip lifted in a minimal snarl, shaking his head to tell me not to push any further.

He barked for me to go and grumbled as I stumbled over a loose fitting flip-flop. He yanked my arm roughly, pulling me down the hallway and out the bus. By the time we had walked inside the club, his hand had moved to my hand, interlacing our fingers. My hand had turned numb from him squeezing so hard. No attention was paid when I expressed my concerns. I had no idea what had set him off.

After we had reached everyone, Cullen shoved me off on Alice. Before he left with the rest of the guys, he turned around, got up close in my face, and pointed his finger, almost poking my nose.

"Do not go anywhere. Alice, keep her within your eyesight at all times," he commanded.

He parted with a last warning stare and turned his back, walking towards Emmett.

Once he was out of earshot, I asked Alice what happened while I was asleep. She said he had been doing coke off and on for most of the day and a bit of paranoia had set in. Cullen had thought I was off somewhere with another fucking man. She said when he found me sleeping in the bunk that it had pissed him off even more because I hadn't told him I was back.

We moved closer to the side of the stage and saw all three-Cullen, Jasper, and Emmett- moving around like a bunch of out of control monkeys. The uneasiness of embarrassment hung in the air between Alice and me. She acted normal, so I knew the other two had been doing coke also. They acted retarded for the rest of the show.

After they had finished and relaxed after the show, the four guys stood outside the bus signing autographs and taking pictures with their fans. Alice and I sat around in the lounge eating the pizza the club had bought for us. I waited for her to say something, but nothing was said. Once again, what happened tonight wasn't something that was new.

While I ate my pizza and checked my email, Cullen's cell phone kept buzzing with new text messages. Strong urges to check his phone crashed against me like violent waves, but I had to fight it. He had a password lock on his phone. After six messages, I had to get up and move to the front of the bus.

The meet and greet had lasted about twenty minutes, and when the four guys and Carlisle stomped onto the bus, the peace and quiet shattered. Jasper threw himself down on the couch across from me, dug into his pocket, and pulled out a joint. Jake, Paul, and Embry said their hello's to me and walked back to the lounge, followed by Carlisle. Emmett sat next to Jasper and Cullen sat at the end of the couch next to my feet, pulling them into his lap and laying his forearm across them.

A weird communication traveled between the three boys with Jasper saying something about Snow White and Emmett and Cullen nodding their heads and smiling. I passed on the joint. The three of them finished it quickly. Both, Jasper and Emmett, stayed up front for another few minutes before wordlessly running back to the

lounge. I knew when Jasper walked in because Alice squealed and Emmett pounded on his chest like Tarzan.

Cullen didn't give me time to respond when he slapped my laptop shut, moved it to the floor, and lay on top of me. Once his lips met the crook of my neck, I couldn't say no. We fucked in the front of the bus with everyone in the lounge awake.

**Baton Rouge**

I felt like ass all day. On the ride from Houston to Baton Rouge, Cullen wouldn't leave me alone for half of the trip. I think my pussy and ass touched every surface at the front of the bus. He finally left me alone when he saw that I was falling asleep while he fucked me from behind. In fact, I don't recall if he finished or not.

When I finally woke up, I was covered in a multicolored afghan-still naked underneath though- but I had woken up to my sinuses stuffed up and my stomach hurting. I found myself hanging close by the restroom at the venue the band was playing at. Alice and Jasper walked all over the vicinity trying to find a drug store to buy sinus medicine and Pepto Bismol.

After taking the sinus meds and the nasty pink liquid, I curled up on the couch in the lounge with the afghan, which turned out to be Alice's blanket. Cullen sat at the other end, our feet and legs entwined. Again, he had his eyes glued to his laptop, typing quickly and loudly. His phone had been sent four texts and he had talked on the phone twice.

When the men left to go get ready for the show, Alice stayed with me and we watched girly movie after girly movie. Cullen had chastely kissed me on the forehead and said he would be back after while. I was asleep in the bunk when I felt him slide up behind me and wrap his arm around my waist.

**New Orleans**

We pulled into the back of the club, which faced Bourbon Street, at around two in the afternoon. I still felt somewhat tired from being sick, so Carlisle gave me an extra day to rest. Alice and I had woken up before the boys, so we sat around eating our breakfast of strawberry cream cheese spread on whole-wheat bagels and two glasses of orange juice.

We were deep in conversation about the people back in Forks that I hadn't heard Cullen get down from the bunk. So when I found him up front untying a tourniquet and then easing a needle out of his arm, I stood in mortification. He didn't see me as he bent his head back on the upper couch cushion. After several minutes of being in shock, I gathered my bearings and walked towards the back. He was normally more discreet.

As I passed our bunk, I heard that familiar beep of a text message on his phone. I pulled the curtain back and saw the phone lying near the pillows. When I picked it up, another text came and this time I saw the name Josie. My eyebrows furrowed in confusion, as I had no idea who Josie was, so I asked Alice after I put the phone back down and walked back to the lounge. She had no idea, but she wouldn't be surprised if it was some former groupie who had his number and was hoping to meet up with him on his birthday.

Cullen's birthday was June twentieth and we would be in Atlanta, Georgia. I had no idea what to get him, so I asked Alice. She grimaced and said she had no idea either. We grew silent, but it was a comfortable silence. As my thoughts roamed back to the image of Cullen easing the needle of out his arm, I tucked my bottom lip into my teeth and started biting on it. I knew if I said anything to him or anyone else, an argument or fight would ensue, and I was too damn tired for either one.

While John and Embry unloaded all the gear and Carlisle finished taking care of the business concerning the club, all of us walked around Bourbon Street. I was appalled by the amount of debauchery that went on during the daytime. Strip clubs were open and so were adult novelty stores. We entered a couple of novelty stores. While the guys were like kids in a candy store, Alice and I liked some of the toys, but most of it disgusted us.

We left Bourbon Street and walked down St. Peter Street, taking us to Jackson Square and the St. Louis Cathedral. From there, we walked to N. Peters Street to the French Market and browsed in various shops, buying trinkets and souvenirs. In the area was Café Du Monde, where we had coffee with chicory and half-hot milk and their world famous beignets.

During our walkabout, Cullen held my hand or wrapped his arm around my shoulder and pulled me close. While the gestures were sweet and we had a good time, he wasn't there. It seemed as if Alice and I were the only ones "physically" present. Several times during the outing, we would cut our eyes to each other and share worried expressions.

That night, even though the entire band was drunk, they played one of the best shows I'd seen so far. There was no jumping around like a bunch of monkeys or falling over shit, forgetting chords, or lyrics.

After the show and after the partying, we boarded the bus. Alice pulled Jasper into their bunk and they weren't seen again. Jake, Embry, and Paul sat around smoking weed and watching martial arts movies while Carlisle kept quiet and watched the movies. I found a book I had been wanting to read and cuddled up in the bunk, leaving Cullen to his laptop. I fell asleep alone.

**Cullen**

**Biloxi**

The day after New Orleans, I woke up with my laptop still sitting on my thighs, still turned on with fifteen instant messages waiting. Sleepily, I wiped the crust from my eyes and smirked at the screen name. I couldn't wait to see them. All the messages were naughty but then turned to sounding pissed off. I shook my head and closed the screen.

Our past several shows had been amazing, some of our best. I wish Bella had been feeling well to see our Baton Rouge show. We had no idea why she had gotten sick, but she dealt with it the best she could. I spent a good portion of my time lately talking to people I haven't spoken to in awhile, especially one person who I haven't spoken with in almost a year. They're coming to Atlanta for my birthday.

I moved the computer to the other cushion and swung my legs off the couch, resting my forearms on top my knees. Numerous bruises and track marks littered both arms. The most recent bruise was small in comparison to the nightmare that was still healing, the one from Albuquerque. My hands wiped my face and I got up, walking to the back.

We weren't moving anymore, so I pulled my phone from my pocket and saw it was two in the afternoon. Everyone would be up by now. When I reached the back, the only person in there was Jasper. He said Jake was hanging out with John and Embry while they unloaded the gear. Bella was massaging Carlisle, and Emmett and Alice were out loading up on junk food-per Emmett's demand.

Jasper was already drinking, and when he got up to get another beer, he grabbed me one. We sat around drinking beer after beer until the case was gone, leaving us shitfaced. He pulled out a baggie of coke, chopped it up, and we did four lines each.

By the time everyone got back, Jasper and I couldn't quit laughing at stupid shit on the TV. Carlisle looked at us, shook his head, and opened the refrigerator to grab a beer. We were playing at a casino, so Alice and Bella wanted to do a bit of gambling. Emmett said he wanted to stay on the bus to eat his economy size bag of Doritos and the three from the reservation wanted to hit the buffet the casino offered.

Jasper and I grabbed our boots, wallet, and cell phones and then escorted the girls to the venue. Jasper and I wanted to hit the Blackjack tables, but the girls didn't want any of us to part, so we all headed to the slot machines. Before doing that, Jasper and I each got two hundred dollars in quarters-one hundred for us and then one hundred for each girl.

The girls went to slot machines that had palm trees decorating them. Jasper went to one that had a fishing theme, and I went to one with three huge diamonds on it. We wound up parting ways in the end. After I spent twenty bucks, which was quick, I did my last spin on machine and won fifty bucks.

I gathered my earnings and scouted out a new slot machine, settling on the one Jasper used. Shortly after I began playing, a leggy cocktail waitress with pretty cookie brown skin walked up to me, asking if I wanted a drink. I told her I wanted vodka on the rocks. When she returned, I paid for the drink. She said her name was Zafrina. Her hair was shoulder length and thick, black, and tightly curled. Her lips were full but her nose was cute with a slight slope. She whispered that her break was in five minutes, wanting me to meet her by the back slots. Jasper came around the corner, rested his arm on my shoulder, and said the girls were ready to go. Zafrina rolled her eyes and walked away.

The four of us walked away being about five hundred dollars richer. Bella said that had been her first time gambling and that the next time she was near a casino, she wanted to try the tables. I would do my best to make sure that happened.

It wasn't too long after we got back on the bus that it was time for the show. Bella was feeling better and squeezed my knee in excitement. I couldn't wait until the show was over and we were back on the bus. I wanted her in every way possible.

**Montgomery**

We stayed late in Biloxi after the show and gambled. We didn't want to sleep on the bus, so we found a Motel 6 and booked rooms. Bella and I explored every inch of the shitty room and were accompanied for most of the night by Alice and Jasper's loud fucking. We had the end room while my dad and Emmett shared a wall with Jasper and Alice.

We checked out by ten and were on the bus by eleven for the four-hour drive. When we arrived in Montgomery, it was almost three in the afternoon. There were several Army dudes waiting around wanting to meet us and get shit signed. I had no problem with that.

The club didn't have an extra room, so Bella had the evening off. Carlisle called someone shortly after that and had a massage chair delivered. The four of us walked off the bus and met with the Army dudes. They were cool as fuck and gave us each Army shirts. There were a total of six of them. Emmett left and came back with six of our latest band shirts- screws leaned back over the rims of shot glasses passed out as four pairs of red female lips barely touched the rim of the glasses.

That day we all remained sober and alert, although the girls had one beer each. We sat around the bus that day watching movies, eating pizza and hanging out. The day in Biloxi, my phone was silent as were emails, but today my phone buzzed every ten minutes for two hours with text messages. I answered a few and then put it on silent. Bella was watching from the corner of her eye, drawing her mouth in a firm line and slightly squeezing her eyebrows together as she crossed her arms. I knew she was pissed.

Our show was good, and we hung out with great men and women of the Army and Air Force. Some of the guys were awesome, and we exchanged Facebook information. Emmett and Carlisle were more energetic than they had been-Rosalie and Esme were coming in the next day when we arrived in Columbus, Georgia. Rose would be back on the road with us and Esme was coming in for my birthday.

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**Please leave a review. I know there's a lot of you who read this story, so please leave a review, even if it's one word or one line. **

**Thank you,**

**ayngyl22  
**


	17. Chapter 16 Shakin' Hands

**A/N: I hope everyone had a Happy 4th. Sorry it took so long to update, but it's here. Had some entertaining drama on Twitter that kept me entertained. Also, I was reading more fics and I want to share my recs. Here they are:**

**The Diner by Jessypt**

**The Cullen Sutras by Magnolia822**

**Laid Bare by Brits23**

**Thank you to my awesome beta adt216 for editing this while on vacation. Thanks to my prereaders- BellasMommy86 and slyt.**

**At this point in time, I will NOT give permission to have Heroin Lullabies translated in any language. Please do not let me find out that it is.  
**

**

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Chapter 16**

**Columbus, Georgia**

"_Well she ain't no Cinderella  
When she's getting undressed  
'Cause she rocks it like the naughty wicked witch of the west"_

_-"Shakin' Hands" Nickelback_

**B.**

Today, Rosalie and Esme would be flying in to celebrate Cullen's birthday, which was two days away. I hadn't seen Rose in weeks and even then, we didn't speak much. I hadn't seen Esme in months. The sensation in my stomach was worse than butterflies; it felt like a swarm of locusts.

Last night in Montgomery, as I was walking back onto the bus, I tripped over one of the steps, slightly twisting my ankle. It was tender today, nothing that wouldn't be healed by tomorrow. I sat with my back up against the arm of the sofa in the lounge watching the first Sex in the City movie. All the men had cringed, even Jake and John Paul. Internally, I sighed. Jake's sexuality was his issue to deal with and when he chose to deal with it.

Alice was a whirlwind all through the bus, making sure it was clean. I wanted to help, but Cullen and Carlisle had teamed up against me and demanded I stay off my ankle. When Alice thought the bus was clean enough, she hurried Carlisle, Emmett, and Jasper out the bus. Jake and his friends were going to get some lunch, which left Cullen and me alone. It was something we hadn't had much of lately.

Before Alice finally left, Cullen got up from being curled up next to me and went to talk to her privately. It didn't bother me; I was rather enjoying laying here watching a movie. I was at the part of the movie where the girls had gone to Mexico and Charlotte was trying to make her way back to the room before she shit herself. When she didn't make it back in enough time, I doubled over in laughter.

Cullen came walking back in the lounge with a latched, purple chest in his hand. I knew it had to be Alice's.

"What's that?" I asked, as I nodded towards it with my chin.

He stopped in front of the sofa, looked down at the tiny chest, and back up at me.

"I thought I would do something for you," he softly answered.

A soft smirk lifted the left corner of his lips and his gaze was deep and danced with playfulness.

"Well, Mr. Masen, what do you have in the chest?"

He raised my legs as he sat down, placing my feet in his lap. He nestled the purple chest next to my knee and flipped the latch on it, opening up to a treasure trove of foot cosmetics. Inside I saw cotton balls, polish remover, foot scrub, foot lotion, and a red nail polish. I motioned for him to hand me the polish so I could look at the color.

It was a pretty red called Keys to My Karma, made by OPI. I wondered who chose the color.

"Who picked the color?"

"I did," he said as he opened up the bag of cotton balls, pulling out several puffballs.

"Why red? Pink or orange is more summery."

"Pink is too innocent and I don't like orange."

There was an off tone in that sentence. His mouth was set in a firm line and his shoulders shrugged. Whatever had bothered him quickly dissipated. His body relaxed as he pinned his tongue between his lips. He had soaked one cotton ball with the remover and was now removing the pink polish off my toes of the foot that was attached to the tender ankle. His pressure was firm but light, carefully trying not to rub hard.

While he removed the polish from each toe on both feet, I held the polish remover, giving it to him when asked for. We sat in silence, enjoying the company of one another. It was rare we were alone like this, with everyone gone. Normally, when we were alone, there was always the chance of someone knocking on the door.

Once he was done, he picked away the fuzz left behind, sprinkling it on the carpet. I spun the lid onto the remover and made sure it was closed. He placed it back in the chest and pulled out the foot scrub. I knew he was going to need a towel to remove the scrub.

"Sweetie, you might want to grab a towel and wet it, so you can wipe off the scrub easily."

"Shit, I didn't think about that."

Cullen raised my legs and gently set them back on the sofa cushion. There was a pale pink hand towel with flowers on it lying on the counter under the microwave. I knew Alice was going to be mad when she saw what was done to it. After wringing it out several times, he walked back over and sat back down underneath my legs. He placed the moist towel on my leg and grabbed the scrub.

An earthy, mint smell permeated the air and made my feet tingle, bringing about a cooling sensation. He rubbed harder on my heels but softer on the soles of my feet, and after five minutes, he wiped the grainy texture from my feet. Once again, he threw something on the floor.

The skin on my feet felt smooth as I rubbed them together while I waited for him to open the lotion. It was brand new, so the seal was still on. Its scent was cucumber and mint. When he had the seal off, it went on the floor with the other thrown away stuff. Cullen twisted the lid back on and flipped the top, squirting a liberal amount into his hand.

He was cautious with my injured ankle and lightly rubbed the area around it, which was sectioned off by an Ace bandage. His pressure was phenomenal and I told him so.

"I've been paying attention during our massages. I wanted to one day be able to treat you to something like this myself," he whispered as he leaned over and brushed his lips against mine.

I visibly shivered, eliciting a chuckle from him as he pulled away. His massaging never wavered during our moment. He slid his thumb up the length of the sole of my foot, making me moan as I laid back into the sofa. I closed my eyes so I could shut out interferences and concentrate on his warm hands turning my feet into putty.

I must've fallen asleep during the massage because when I came to, Cullen was wiping the lotion residue from my toenails. My hands wiped over my face, the coldness of them refreshing me. There were several hard taps and I knew he was beating the bottle of polish against his hand. I raised my eyebrow.

"Alice told me to do it."

I nodded as if I agreed with it and looked down at my toes to see elongated cotton entwined around my toes. How much did Alice tell him? Apparently, he had listened to everything. He asked me to bend the leg of my injured ankle so my foot would be flat against his thigh. He didn't want to extend my foot so he could polish my toes.

The polish was cold as it glided over my toenails. I would be lying if I said I wasn't worried about him mucking up the polish and getting it all over my skin, but surprisingly, he stayed within the nail boundary. When he was done, polish and top coat, I had shiny, red toes. Then the thought came to me like a bull during the Running of the Bulls- this complicated, complex man who has never had a long-term, committed relationship with another human being, just did one of the sweetest, girliest, loving acts I'd ever seen a man do. He all but gave me a pedicure.

This simple deed made up for the past several days. I was starting to cherish these few moments when the complicated matters dissolved, and all that was left was us-the night we played Scrabble, when we had sex on the massage table, our talk after that horrendous night in Albuquerque, the resting under the trees in downtown Dallas, and the morning after when we enjoyed one another again and again. His voice brought me out of my reverie.

"Is everything alright? Did I do something wrong?"

In the middle of this moment of happiness, that was one of the most loaded questions I had ever heard. Soon, I felt why he asked me those questions- I had tears sliding down my cheeks. I wiped them away with the back of my hand and nodded my head.

"No, you did nothing wrong. In fact, you did something right."

He licked his lips, nodded his head, and got up with the purple chest of foot wonders to go put them back in Jasper and Alice's bunk. I extended my legs so I could get a better look at my toes. He had actually done a swell job.

I waited another fifteen minutes before I took the cotton from between my toes. As I moved my feet together, I relished in their silky texture. The pleasure of my newly polished toes didn't last too long. I grabbed my BlackBerry and looked at the time. It had to have been at least twenty minutes since Cullen had left.

The phone landed with a soft thump on the sofa cushion as I swung my feet onto the floor, landing in the mess he forgot to clean up. I balled everything up and threw it in the trash on my way out. The soreness in my ankle tweaked a bit as I hobbled down the hallway, heading to the front of the bus.

When I hirpled up front, I found Cullen clacking away on the computer keys. He must have been engrossed with what he was doing because he didn't hear me walk up behind him. I glanced down and saw there were several paragraphs typed out on the screen. If I bent down, he would know I was trying to read the words, so instead I placed my hand on his shoulder.

He jumped in his place and slapped the laptop closed.

"What the fuck are you doing sneaking up behind me? How long have you been standing there?" he barked.

"Not long. I was worried when you didn't come back after twenty minutes. Your departure was kind of abrupt."

I saw his Adam's apple bob up and down as he swallowed. His jaw clenched and unclenched as his left hand curled and uncurled.

"Please don't sneak up behind me. I don't like my privacy invaded. You shouldn't be standing on that ankle."

He got up after laying his computer on the cushion and placed his palm on my lower back. We didn't say anything as we walked towards the lounge. When we walked in, I saw the name of the DVD player brand holding still on the television screen. I didn't want to watch another movie. I wanted to watch cable.

Cullen gave me the remote and I flicked around to several channels until I came upon a show on The History Channel about the history of vampires. We sat in silence and watched it. The part about Elizabeth Bathory made me squeamish. He noticed my huddled form, so he scooped me up and placed me in his lap, rubbing his fingers against my bare arm.

We both had on tank tops, the only difference was mine had the thin straps, and both were white. I had little black boy shorts on and he wore his usual jeans that were now hanging too far off his hips. I hadn't seen him eat much in days. Only a sandwich or some chips here and there. Hopefully, Esme would be able to get him to eat a proper meal.

The vampire history program ended, followed by a program on ancient Pagan sites in Ireland and England. It was beginning to explain Skara Brae when I heard loud footsteps and high-pitched laughs filter down the hall from the front. Cullen had his hand gripped onto my ass, making it hard for me to climb out of his lap. Soft snores rumbled from his lips.

The voices were getting louder, and as much as I hated to move away from our embrace, I needed to move. I placed a soft kiss on his partly opened mouth and crawled over his leg, relaxing against the back of the sofa with my ankle propped up on his thigh.

Alice, Rosalie, and Esme bounded in, laughing and hanging on each other. Esme stopped laughing instantly once she laid her eyes on her stepson. She brought a hand to her face, covering her mouth as she gasped. Rosalie stood speechless too. Alice looked from them to us and back again. It was Esme who spoke first after Carlisle stood behind her with a hand on her arm.

"Oh my…what has happened to my son?" she asked no one in particular as her eyes roamed over Cullen's sleeping form, trying to fight back tears but not succeeding.

"Love…," Carlisle started, but his wife interrupted.

"Don't love me. How much worse has his problem gotten?"

"It's about the same," Carlisle mumbled.

Esme left her husband's side and walked over to the couch, sitting in the tiny space next to Cullen. A loose piece of hair hung over his eyes and she swept it away with a brush of her hand. She looked up at me and smiled as sweetly as she could.

"Bella, it's so good to see you. Your father told me to tell you hello and that he loves you. How has my son been treating you?"

I played with a piece of loose string on his frayed jeans and looked up at the lovely woman with light brown hair and kindly brown eyes.

"He treats me as well as he can," I hoarsely replied before clearing my throat.

"I guess that's all we can expect, given the situation."

Jasper and Emmett had finally walked back and attached themselves to their partners. Alice asked how my ankle was and I said it was fine, just a bit tender. Then she rushed over to my feet.

"Oh, Bella, he did a wonderful job!" she shouted, waking up Cullen, who was startled to see so many people surrounding him.

"What the fuck?" he grumbled.

When he noticed his stepmother next to him, he shyly smirked and leaned over to her, resting his head against her. Esme reached around his shoulders, embraced him, and placed a kiss on his forehead.

"Son, it's good to see you. I hope you haven't been giving Bella a hard time."

Smirking against her shoulder, he said, "Nothing that she can't handle. How have you been?"

While the both of them caught up, I got up with help from Alice, wanting to give them space. Rosalie motioned for us to go up front so the family could spend time together. When we finally reached up front and got situated on the couches, Rosalie didn't waste any time on getting to the point.

"Bella, I'm not going to say I'm happy with you and Cullen. He's a douche bag. He's never committed to another human being a day in his life. His only committed relationships are smack and music. Even music takes a backseat to the drugs, at times."

Before she could say anything, I cut her off.

"Rosalie, stop. Just stop. Please. I don't need a lecture. I've already gotten them from Jake. If things get fucked up, then they get fucked up," I firmly stated as I stared into her cold baby blues.

She licked her lips and silently nodded, making an unspoken agreement.

"But, Bella, please tell me you've been making him wear a condom?"

Alice and Rosalie both stared back at me intensely. I shook my head.

"Bella!" gasped Alice.

Rosalie shook her head and bit her lip.

"Well, I have an IUD in and he says he's been tested and that he's fine."

Alice closed her eyes and turned away while Rosalie stared at me, emotionless and shrugged her shoulders. This was not how I imagined her return to be. We sat in an awkward silence as Alice and Rosalie sat on "my" couch and I sat on the other one. My knees were pulled against my abdomen as I rested my cheek on top of them, looking out the window. I moved my feet forward a bit and bumped into Cullen's laptop, remembering the screen full of paragraphs. It didn't look like an email, which meant it must have been a personal blog or something.

My mind wandered to the other day when Cullen kept getting text after text and the name Josie appeared the one time I saw a text come in. Curiosity got the best of me.

"Rosalie, I've asked Alice, but she didn't know, maybe you do. Do you know a Josie?"

She furrowed her eyebrows.

"The name sounds familiar; I just can't place it. Why?"

"Cullen's been getting all these text messages and he's been attached to his phone or computer the past week or so," I replied, not looking to meet her gaze.

"Like I said, it sounds familiar. The only girl I know that would be contacting him this time of year would be Tanya, but I haven't seen her in two years. I think that's the last time we all saw her, including Cullen. The last thing I heard was she met some chick and started dating her," she said, giving a nonchalant shrug.

Alice popped her head up and looked between Rosalie and me.

"Wait, doesn't Tanya's middle name start with a "J"?"

Rose scratched her head and nodded.

"I think it does, but once again, I can't recall what it is. I vaguely remember him never calling her Tanya, but by some other name."

I bit my lower lip, looking out the window as curiosity took over again.

"You wouldn't happen to have a picture of her, would you?" I asked, trying to hide my jealousy.

"I think I have one in a photo album on my Facebook. Let me check," Rosalie answered as a curtain of blond hair blanketed her face.

After a few minutes of looking on her iPhone, Rose shoved it in my face, showing a picture of a girl with her head turned, caught in the middle of laughing with her long, strawberry blonde hair covering most of her face. It was hard to tell what she looked like. My disappointment must have shown because Rosalie gently placed her hand on my arm.

"Look, Bella. I'm sorry, that's the only picture I have left of her and it's from two years ago. I wouldn't worry about her. He's openly with you, which is something he's _never_ done. Yes, he's had girls around, but never the way he's with you. So, I wouldn't panic over it," she calmly spoke.

Alice nodded in agreement and started to get excited, making Rose and I share puzzled looks.

"Girls, we're going to be in Atlanta tomorrow. I have the day planned out, starting early in the morning to the afternoon. First, morning will be spent at an Aveda spa where lunch will be served, and then the rest of day will be spent shopping.

Bella, do you have a gift for Cullen?" Alice excitedly spewed.

"No. I don't know what to get him."

"By the way his clothes look on him, I'd say he needs new clothing," Rosalie offered, trying to not sound snarky.

I nodded while wondering what size the loose jeans were. I would look later when he changed for the show.

The next few minutes were spent in comfortable silence as Rosalie busied with her iPhone; Alice listened to voicemails on her phone, and I stared out the window through the opened mini blinds, lost in thought and trying to fight back the same uncomfortable feeling I had the last morning in Dallas. The heaviness felt like I was waiting for impending doom.

I inhaled several, slow deep breaths as I tried calming my insides and my mind. My fingers tapped, one by one, rapidly against the back of the couch, loudly. I felt a sharp pain pulsate from my lip and I knew I had bitten too hard. A faint, metallic taste filled my mouth as I wiped my tongue over the sore spot. A wave of nausea swept over me.

Before I could start dry heaving, I shot up from the couch and all but ran to the lounge, where I yanked open the refrigerator door and pulled out a bottle of Vitamin Water. I needed a different taste in my mouth. As I guzzled down the flavored water, several pairs of eyes focused on me. I felt the heavy pull of their gazes.

When I was sure the taste of blood was no longer present, I lowered the bottle and looked over. Cullen had his eyes planted on me with a cocked eyebrow.

Esme, Carlisle, Em, and Jasper all looked at me with concern.

"Sorry. I bit my lip and blood welled up. The taste of it made me queasy, so I ran back here to get something to drink before I started dry heaving," I mumbled, completely embarrassed by my admission.

Cullen smirked and got up to walk over to me, pulled me into a one armed hug, where he bent down and kissed my forehead.

He held onto me as we faced the rest of the family.

"Bella, why don't you sit down and let me look at your ankle-to make sure it's not further irritated," Carlisle offered.

"Sure," I answered and nodded as I walked over to the couch, feeling the soreness tweak as the adrenalin started wearing off.

I sat next to Esme, who held my hand, as Carlisle unwound the bandage. The area was a little puffy, but nothing to be worried about.

"You need to stay off of it as much as you can for rest of the day, Bella," he ordered me, in a fatherly way as he rewrapped the bandage.

"Bella, you stay back here and watch TV or read. One of us will be on here at all times," Esme kindly demanded.

I looked over at Cullen who was biting his bottom lip inward, trying to keep from laughing. He was playing with me, so I shot him my middle finger, which made him break and start chuckling. We all started laughing. It felt good, but it still didn't replace the heaviness that pressed down on me.

"Well, boys, are you ready to go do the meet and greet at the local Hot Topic?" Carlisle asked as he stood up.

Cullen, Emmett, and Jasper nodded, but Jake wasn't back yet.

"Where's Jake? Is he not back from lunch, yet?" Jasper asked.

I shook my head.

"Nope, I haven't seen him and I was up front with the girls."

At that time, Rosalie and Alice walked in the lounge, saying they hadn't seen him come back either.

Cullen sighed, sounding irritated. He pulled out his phone and pressed Jake's number. He answered quickly.

"Jake, where in the fuck are you? We have to leave for the meet and greet. If you're ass isn't back here in ten minutes, my fist and your face are going to have a meeting," Cullen seethed.

He said a few other parting words and slapped his phone shut. Esme looked somewhat appalled.

"Son, were those words necessary? You didn't have to threaten him."

"Mom…Esme, this band is mine and I dictate how it goes. If he wants to leave, he can pack his shit and go. He's not the only drummer on this planet," Cullen barked.

"He is one of the only good friends you have," Jasper said, surprising everyone.

Rosalie spoke next, "If you aren't careful, fucker, you're going to wind up alone, with no one catering to your fucking needs."

I saw his hands curl up into fists and his mouth set in a tight line. I shot Emmett a look, hoping to convey my message that he needs to rein his girlfriend in. Apparently, he got the message.

"Rosie, baby, leave it alone…please," he begged.

She was still giving Cullen death glares, but she finally tore away from him, turning into Emmett.

Loud, booming footsteps raced down the hallway, giving way to a very pissed off Jake. He walked within centimeters of Cullen's face, harshly breathing and touching nose to nose.

"Listen up and listen good, motherfucker. I do _not_ take orders from you. Next time you fucking talk to me that way, I will pack my shit and fucking leave," Jake said with a steely, calm voice.

Cullen pressed further into Jake's face, making him take a step back.

"Who the fuck writes all the music in this band? Who the fuck puts money in your fucking bank account? Who the fuck is the one the media wants- either it is pictures or interviews?" he answered Jake's threat. "It's me. Therefore, that makes this _my_ band. Another thing, that threat has been used several times before, yet here you stay. Shit must not be too bad if you're still here."

Jake backed away, fists curled up, and looked at his lead singer. He remained silent, knowing everything that was spoken was the truth. No one said anything. The awkward silence filled the room rapidly. Between the heaviness in my gut and the silence, I was seconds away from screaming.

Jake finally gave one last sneer before leaving. After he left, the pressure in the room deflated about fifty percent, easing some of the unpleasantness. Carlisle was the first to speak.

"Let's get this shit over with before you boys wind up fist fighting one another. Esme, I wasn't going to ask you to come, but I think I'm going to need you."

She sighed intensely, nodding her agreement.

Alice leaned into Jasper as they had moved closer to Emmett and Rosalie. Carlisle and Esme ushered everyone out, except for Cullen. He told his son two minutes and no longer. Cullen nodded and turned towards me. A beep echoed through the quiet lounge, alerting us both to another fucking text message. A slow smirk eased across his lips. He punched a few buttons and slid his phone down a front pocket of his jeans.

His hand reached out and ran through my hair, settling at the nape of my neck as his thumb stroked my cheek. His face seemed relaxed with a lazy smile as he looked down at me.

"Pretty girl, I'm sorry you had to see that. I'll be back after while. You get some rest," he said before leaning down and softly, chastely kissing my lips.

He moved his hand up and glided it softly down the side of my face. We stared a few seconds longer at one another and then he left.

**Cullen**

Carlisle had a personal SUV for us to ride in to the meet and greet- a big ass Escalade. I sat next to Jasper, who rode with his eyes closed, and could smell body odor emanating from him.

"Dear cousin, when is the last time you bathed?" I mumbled to him.

One eye cracked open, raising an eyebrow, and a smirk lifted the corner of his mouth.

"I believe it was Biloxi. I kinda like the organic aroma," he slowly drew out.

Another beep from my phone loudly alerted me to another text. I exhaled an aggravated sigh- this shit was getting old. Jasper quirked the same brow at me again, silently asking a question.

"Don't bother asking. It's nothing, just an old acquaintance."

"Cuz, you've been on that fucker for days now as well as your computer. Don't think Bella is the only one that's noticed. You're not as slick as you used to be," he muttered.

I lifted my middle finger and shoved it in his face. He laughed and pushed my hand away. I shot a quick text back to the person, telling them not to contact me again until they arrived.

The rest of the ride and the meet and greet was strained and awkward. Jake and I sat on the opposite end of the table at the signing. There were several cute girls, some of them I eyed but did nothing more than that. By the end of it, my jeans pocket was stuffed with pieces of paper with numbers and Facebook information. I tossed them in the trashcan outside the store.

The ride back to the bus was better than the ride over. Jake and I talked, but it was still very strained. It was good to have Esme here, but she had the flower shop back in Forks that she loved, so getting her out here for longer periods was hard. She somehow made situations endurable.

After the driver dropped us off, Jake, John, and Embry headed off elsewhere. Our equipment was finished being set up and it was late afternoon, so they were taking off to get some dinner. I headed onto the bus where I heard cackling, knowing the three girls were having "girl talk." The rest of them were behind me, waiting to get on the bus also.

From the amount of noise the girls were making, I thought they would've been up front, but no, they were in the back. All three were huddled in front of Alice's laptop howling in laughter at whatever played on the computer. Bella looked up at me and doubled over with laughter.

"What the fuck are you girls watching?" I asked, expecting the worse.

Rosalie commented before Bella could, "We're watching old Loxley Screw shows on YouTube. Cullen, you looked like a fucking nerd with having long hair and it being shaved underneath."

My palm met my face as I shook my head, embarrassed by some of the shit I've done in my past. Bella had tears running down her cheeks when I looked up. Carlisle and Esme walked back as did Emmett and Jasper, which erupted in more laughter from the girls.

"What the fuck are you three watching?" Emmett asked as he stuffed his face with cookies.

I looked at my brother and mouthed, "YouTube."

Emmett groaned, knowing they were watching old videos of us. Jasper ruffled Alice's hair and walked over to sit at the table. Esme grouped around the girls and started in on the laughing, too. I looked over at Carlisle, who had a bemused look on his face, and smiled. Emmett disrupted the laughter by announcing he wanted food other than cookies.

"We could all go out to eat," Carlisle offered.

"I think I want Emmett and I to spend some time alone together," Rosalie quietly replied.

Carlisle understood and offered the idea to the rest of us. Alice and Jasper had plans for dinner alone, so that left my parents, Bella, and me. That was fine; it didn't bother me.

Alice closed her laptop and shooed away Rosalie. She carefully got up, making sure Bella's ankle wasn't jarred. Rose was wrapped around my brother as he pulled her down the hallway, on their way to dinner. Jasper took Alice's laptop and placed it on the table. She kissed Esme and Bella on their cheeks as she waved goodbye to Carlisle and me on their way out to eat Mexican.

"Well, what are we in the mood for?" Carlisle asked, clapping his hands together.

Esme wanted chicken, I wanted steak, and Bella wanted pork.

"Well, we can go to O'Charley's. They have a variety," my father offered.

We all agreed and he called for a taxi.

**B.**

Dinner was nice. Cullen helped steady me, even though I could walk just fine. My ankle was now a throb and a slight tweak. The dinner seemed normal, everyone seemed normal. However, it was just a façade that could quickly crumble. The conversation flowed and was light. The food was excellent and we were all satisfied.

On the car ride back, the heaviness still hadn't let up any. If anything, it had increased. Cullen tapped me on my shoulder when he caught me absentmindedly twirling my hair around my finger and sucking in my bottom lip so I could bite on it.

He softly asked if anything was wrong; I told him everything was okay.

Cullen was the first one out of the taxi. He acted as if his ass was on fire the way he was running towards the bus. We couldn't see around the other side of it where the taxi had parked, so when Esme, Carlisle, and me walked around to the side where the door was, we found Cullen, Jasper, and Alice staring at the bus wide-eyed.

Frantic screams were coming loudly from the bus and it was rocking back and forth. Carlisle walked over to the others and stopped in his tracks, gawking. Esme and I ventured over to the others, only to be stopped too.

With the blinds open, the lights on, and very visibly and audibly were Rosalie and Emmett fucking. Her long, blond hair and ghost white ass were plastered against the blinds and window while Emmett had her legs spread out wide. It was a sight I wished I had never seen. Then again, I'm sure they have all said the same shit about Cullen and me. Not that we're any better, but at least we were loud enough so they would hear and know not to come up front or to interrupt us.

I looked over at Cullen, who as if on cue, turned and looked at me with an amused look on his face.

"That was a sight I could have gone without seeing," Jasper mumbled.

Alice and I nodded. I turned around and saw Esme had walked over to Carlisle and turned her face into his neck. His hands had balled up into fists, but he wasn't the first to react-it was Cullen.

He pushed in the code for the bus and the door opened, quickly followed by his loud voice, startling Rosalie-causing her to scream and clutch her chest. Emmett got into his face until Cullen pointed out the window. Both of them turned around and I quickly saw Emmett's face fall when he saw that their mother had seen him fucking. Rosalie quickly sat down on the couch and leaned over, retrieving her clothing. Emmett darted out of view as Cullen motioned for us to come on the bus.

Once Carlisle got on the bus, he immediately closed the blinds, giving Rosalie an evil look.

"Sorry, Carlisle."

He shook his head and went down the hallway, where he confronted his other son. Many colorful words and phrases filtered down the hall into the front. Rosalie was now dressed and hiding under her ice blonde hair. I studied her, trying to figure out her demeanor. She tilted her face slightly, just enough for me to see a fraction of a smirk. She was enjoying every second of the commotion.

I stepped back, minutely, and barely grazed her knee. She was wearing dark jean shorts, a red tube top, and bare feet that were painted a dark crimson. Her eyes met mine with a finely arched eyebrow raised. I slowly shook my head, signaling not to add more fuel to the fire. She flippantly waved me off. When I turned back around, Esme had been watching us. I shrugged my shoulders and went over to Cullen who was sitting on my couch.

"Hey. What we saw isn't any worse than what we've done, except we haven't been doing it where everyone walking by could see," I said calmly, stroking his forearm.

He was playing with his bottom lip and staring off into space. He turned to me, leaned into my hair, and whispered, "The last part of your statement is the difference. I know this wasn't Emmett's doing. It was all hers."

Alice and Jasper were still standing, not saying anything, until Alice looked at Rosalie.

"Rose, that act was your idea. I know it was. At least when we all fuck on the bus, it's either behind the curtain of the bunks or we're loud enough to alert others to not come into the area."

"Oh please, Alice, save it. When did this bus become the Disney channel? None of y'all hide when everyone is snorting coke or smoking a fucking joint. Hell, fuckhead over there shoots up. We all know he does. Look at his fucking arms, fucking bruises and track marks everywhere."

"That will be enough from everyone. I flew in to celebrate my son's birthday, not to have to deal with this bullshit," Esme seethed, her face turning a faint pink.

Everyone zipped their lips at her outburst, as we all were in shock. Our eyes were round in surprise. Carlisle appeared amidst the silence, looking to each us. He finally looked up at his wife, quirked an eyebrow and grinned. Esme crossed her arms in front of her and went to him.

He motioned for her to go on back, lightly placing a hand on her lower back. After they were in the back for a few minutes, Emmett bounded back up front, avoiding everyone. He sat next to Rosie and pulled her into him. Her ice blue eyes scanned the room before finally resting on me.

"What, Rosalie?" I asked.

She shook her head and moved her eyes to the ceiling. Jasper was the one who broke the silence.

"Fuck this shit. I'm going into the club and doing some shots. Anyone care to join me?"

I raised my hand and got up. Emmett and Rose got up, too. We all looked at Cullen.

"I'll be there in a few. There's something I need to do."

I internally sighed. We turned around and walked away.

Cullen walked in with his parents. His eyes were glassy and couldn't keep focus on anything. It was then, in that moment, I knew Esme chose to ignore her son's problem. We all were ignoring the problem, even though it was out in the open. However, I knew no matter what we all said to him, that it ultimately came down to him. None of us could make him get clean. If they ever forced him, he would relapse the moment he got out of rehab. All of us knew this, but we continued on as if nothing was wrong.

Jake and the other two came in behind the others. They appeared to be drunk as was Jasper and Emmett. Astonishingly, their show was good.

I left the club early and went back out onto the bus. I got comfortable in my PJs and got onto my laptop. My email was a bit backed up with two from Charlie. I typed out an email to him, letting him know I was fine. Jessica sent me a few new pictures of Caleb. I replied saying he was getting so big and the new pictures were cute.

Once I checked everything online, I put away the laptop. I had a new book that I wanted to get started on, so I climbed into the bunk, and turned on the overhead light.

Moans and whimpers woke me up. I hadn't noticed that I had fallen asleep. My book had fallen to my side. I moved it to my side closer to the wall, and then rubbed my face. Once I was more alert, I realized the moans and whimpers were sex noises. Alice and Jasper were in the bunk over from ours and Emmett and Rosalie were across. Each bunk had noises coming from it.

I stepped down onto the floor and heard more sounds coming from the lounge. Jake, Paul, and Embry were out cold. That left the other sounds to Carlisle and Esme. Every couple on the bus was having sex. I walked down the hall to the front. Cullen was sitting on my couch typing away on his computer. He was interrupted by a beep from his phone, another damn text. I heard him grumble and slap his phone shut. He went back to typing.

I sighed and went back to bed, hoping to be able to get some sleep. After several tosses and turns, I gave up sleeping. I had grown angry. Everyone was having marathon sex, but me. Stumbling sounds from the hall told me Cullen was coming to bed. I hoped he was up for sex because listening to everyone had made me horny.

He yanked the curtain back, lazily pulled himself up, and threw himself on the bed, slapping me in the stomach with his arm. He rolled over clumsily, sloppily kissed my check, mumbled incoherent words, and passed out. The arm that lay over my stomach had a fresh rivulet of dried blood. My eyelids clenched tight as I fought back tears.

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**Please press the review button. They let me know if y'all like the story and helps me write them a bit faster.**


	18. Chapter 17 Beyond Redemption

A/N: I want to explain my absence. From July and into August, I had major writer's block, even though I had the chapter outlined. From August until now, I took a vacation from the Twilight world. There was too much drama and it was affecting my writing. Over this time period, I did work on the chapter, as you can see.

Another thing I want to bring up. I'm still undecided if I want to keep updating on here. I have HL on Twilighted, Writer's Coffee Shop and on my blogger account. The good thing about having it on my blogger acct. is if for some reason there's a delay in updates, I can easily post something there. So I hope many of you will join the blogger acct. I have listed in my profile on here. I have an email alert widget on the blogger, too. All the links are in my profile.

With my blogger, I have a main blogger, where the alert widget is at, that I post when I update the story. There's no alert widge on HL's actual part of the blog, so you have to use my main blog as I will in the future be posting my other stories.

Many thanks to my beta, adt216 for helping me with this chapter.

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Chapter 17**

"_Oh I see your scars I know where they're from  
So sensually carved and bleeding until you're dead and gone  
I've seen it all before beauty and splendor torn  
It's when heaven turns to black and hell to white  
Right so wrong and wrong so right"-Beyond Redemption, HIM_

**B.**

Since Atlanta wasn't far from Columbus, the bus left an hour or two before sunrise. Insomnia had crept in and left me staring up at the black ceiling of the bunk with Cullen's body thrown across mine. As he snored and drooled, my thoughts and gut-twisting sense of doom feeling invaded me. Something was coming and it would change everything. I tried to settle my thoughts onto the plans for today, before the celebrations started.

Alice had planned everything-ritzy hotel, high-end spa, and a strip club that served dinner. The hotel was the St. Regis, the spa was the actual Aveda Institute in Atlanta, and the strip club/dinner was a place called Cheetah Lounge. That was another entity that I had never been exposed to- a strip club.

I had no qualms about going to one; I worried about my inadequacies. My breasts weren't big. My ass was hardly noticeable and my face was ordinary with its commonplace brown eyes. Irritation prickled my nerves; an irksome sigh blew forth and I shoved Cullen's listless body away from mine.

While I slowly crawled over his body, trying to get one leg over the edge of the bunk, I felt cold air meet my ass. The little pink shorts I was wearing had ridden up, revealing my small, lily-white, soft, squishy bottom. Another reason why I hated my ass-every time Cullen fucked me from behind, I felt it jiggle. Even though my thighs were small and a bit coltish, they resembled their upper component.

Finally getting both legs and my bottom half out of the bunk, I landed in the hallway with a soft thud. All the curtains were closed while soft snores filtered from several of the bunks. I quickly became oriented as the aroma of brewing coffee wafted down from the lounge. It was the last thing I needed, but the smell was comforting.

Esme was sitting on the couch reading a book and eating a bagel with cream cheese spread when I entered the lounge. Her legs were loosely pulled into her body as the plate rested on her bare thigh. A royal purple robe donned her femininely toned body, the collar parting slightly to reveal skin as creamy and white as her thighs. She had her brown hair (the color of baked cookies) pulled into a sloppy ponytail, and her face was calm as she chewed the bit of bagel on the side of her mouth.

The coffee was doing its last bit of percolating, so I pulled my eyes off of Esme and onto the steamy glass pot. My fatigued brain mindlessly slipped into staring at the condensation that bubbled on the side of the coffee pot and ran down. I was tired; I felt it, but my body wouldn't let me slumber. It only served to increase my irritation that I was too drained to express.

It also heightened the deep stabbing, gut twisting, nerve-gnawing doom. Bile softly pushed up towards my throat. Closing my eyes did nothing to settle the uncomfortable feeling.

"Bella?" Esme's voice shook me out of my thoughts as she stood before me.

I faintly shook my head, placing my hand on my stomach.

"Sorry. I'm just feeling a bit nauseous at the moment," I whispered.

I heard her gasp and I knew what she was going to ask me.

"Bella, please say you're not pregnant."

A tiny smile played on my lips as I went to reply.

"No, Esme, I'm not. I have an IUD."

Her relief was as loud as a herd of elephants. She placed a soft hand on my cheek and pulled me to her as though she sensed the same horrifying vibe that hung itself inside me like a body hanging from a noose. I tried to take her gesture as succor, but as hard as I tried, relief remained imprisoned.

Her soft murmur and shushes did nothing but grate on my already raw, overexposed nerves, and the feeling of wanting to push her off invaded me like a swarm of locusts on a fresh crop. I took several, loud, deep breaths before I tried speaking.

"Esme, please back away," I said with gritted teeth.

Silently, she backed away, but not before placing a stray strand of hair behind my ear. At once, after she removed her body from mine, I felt better, but only infinitesimally. The need for a cup of coffee became overbearing.

I rushed over, grabbed a plain white mug, and filled it, leaving room for cream and sugar. After two creams and two sugars, I took a long sip, never minding the scorching my tongue was taking alongside my esophagus. My stomach burned, telling me the hot fluid was in my belly. It only abated the nausea momentarily.

"How's the queasiness?" Esme asked.

"A smidge better," I answered as I walked over to the booth.

She cleared her throat, signaling for my attention, and I saw a toasted bagel with the same cream cheese on it held out before me. I kindly took it from her hands and placed it on my lap. I held the mug in one hand and ate my bagel with the other. After polishing off the bagel and downing two cups of coffee, I was feeling half way normal, even though the doomed feeling hadn't dissipated.

"Isabella, did you get any sleep last night?" a groggy, gravelly voice asked me from the doorway.

Esme and I looked over and saw Carlisle standing against the doorframe, shirtless and only wearing navy blue boxer briefs. He was a remarkable sight with firm, carved muscles and hardly any body fat. His skin was more on the olive side than his two sons were. His hair was messy when it was normally brushed back off his face.

I looked at Esme, noticing her hand on her chest and her deep inhale. After all these years of marriage, he still astounded her. He smirked loudly, giving her a sleepy grin. I felt as if I was imposing on a private moment before the searing pain of jealousy stabbed me. This was what I wanted, had always wanted, but knew I would never have it with the man I was with. Yet, I found myself cemented to him. The feeling was strange and unexplainable.

I cleared my throat, making them remember I was in the room. Both chuckled and apologized. Carlisle grabbed a cup of coffee, a bagel, a banana, and sat down in the booth across the table from me. He fired up his laptop and as he waited for it to load, he looked at me and smiled.

"So, Bella, are you looking forward to girl's day out?"

I laughed as a genuine smile stretched my lips.

"Yes, actually, I am."

"Good. I'm glad to hear that," he said as he clicked a few keys and messed with the mouse pad.

Esme stood beside me, patted my shoulder, and said we were almost to Atlanta. I finished my coffee and said I would be in the restroom getting dressed. I walked up front and plundered in one of my bags, finding my toothbrush and paste, antiperspirant, and lotion. In addition, I found a hair tie and a black headband.

There weren't any clean clothes in my bags on the bus. I would have to get some after we got to the club. On my way to the restroom, I saw everyone but Cullen waking up, and to my surprise, Rose and Alice were completely covered, no ass cheeks or boobs hanging out. Rosalie had her usual bitch face with her lip sneered and her eyes narrowed. I rolled my eyes, receiving an eye roll back from her. Alice yawned and patted my back as I walked past. I gave a cordial wave and entered the restroom.

Once inside and behind the closed door, I leaned against the wall, listening to the outside noise- the hum of the road underneath, the rumble of the bus, and the chatter of the others behind me in the lounge. Alice squawked because she burnt her tongue on the coffee. Rose was bitching about not having organic coffee. Emmett was grumbling about not having any eggs and bacon cooked, and Jasper was trying to calm Alice. Coming from the wall opposite me, soft snores from Cullen, whom I cared very deeply for, reverberated, still in a deep, drug-induced slumber.

After a few more minutes of collecting myself, I pushed away from the wall, setting my things on the counter. I tied my hair back and placed on the headband, and then proceeded to freshen myself up.

Pounding on the door and Emmett's bass voice hurried my examination of my face. What I did notice was light purplish-gray shading under my eyes. A few seconds after more pounding, Emmett threatened to punch through the door so he could unlock it. I sighed, gathered my things, and unlocked the door, walking out as he shoved his way past me.

A deep groan came from the restroom, along with "oh fuck, that feels good," letting us know that his pissing was verging on the edge of sexual pleasure. Everyone in the lounge erupted into laughter as I tucked my lips in to keep from doing the same thing.

When I reached up front to pack away the toiletries, Cullen was sitting on my couch, next to my bag, fixated on his computer. He looked up at me with eyes barely open and gave me a lazy smile, winking at the same time. He typed one last key and then reached for the armful of toiletries, offering to place them in the open bag beside him.

"I'm surprised to see you're awake," I said as I handed the items to him, kissing him chastely on the cheek.

"The sounds of running water woke me. Plus, I needed to get up. There's a whole list of errands I need to do," he answered, packing the items back in the bag, then placing it on the floor next to the couch.

I sat down beside him, curling my knees into my chest as I turned sideways to face him. From the corner of my eye, I saw his Gmail open, ready to send a message with the message box empty. He saw me quickly eying the screen.

"I have an old friend that's going to be with us tonight for my birthday celebration," he softly spoke, "and I'm just finalizing the plans with them."

"Okay," I sweetly stated while I leaned in as he leaned in, meeting his lips for a kiss.

He deepened the kiss, reaching up and palming the back of my head, pressing our mouths deeper together. I moaned into his mouth. He growled, moving his hand from my hair to my thigh, pulling it over his waist as his other arm circled around my back, drawing me closer to him.

A thud minutely interrupted the moment as I realized his computer had slid out of his lap and onto the floor. He must not have noticed it because both his hands moved to my ass, pulling me completely on him. I straddled his hips. We automatically, instinctually, ground into each other's groins.

Each time he pressed into me, I felt the dampness of my shorts. I so wanted to fuck, right there, on top of him. The wanting worsened when I felt his warm hand move under my black tank, making their way to my breasts. His thumb airily moved over my exuberant nipple, teasing it, making my libido scream with frustration.

Frustrated, I grasped the back of the couch, clenched my thighs on his hips, and rolled my hips rapidly and brutally over his hard cock through his jeans. This excited him, removing his hand from my breast, and immediately grabbed my ass cheeks again. He met each roll with a thrust.

We couldn't really fuck as the bus was getting closer to Atlanta, but I was determined to get off, find my release. As our tongues caressed, flicked, and slid back in, we were in the middle of the heaviest dry humping I'd ever experienced. His hands slid from my ass as his arm replaced his hand, which had encircled my waist, and lifted us up-gently laying me down on the couch with him nestled between my legs.

I moaned into his mouth as he lifted my right leg, placing it higher on the back of the couch, granting him access to my thin, pink shorts with nothing else underneath. His fingers danced down my inner thigh, grazing with fingertips. That movement only made me open my legs wider, if it was possible. I felt his lips spread into a smile against my mouth. I sighed into him, happily.

We nipped and easily bit against our lips, slipping in a grin or two. The moment he slipped his fingers, sliding them teasingly, under the centimeter thin fabric of my shorts, I shuddered- locking my eyes on his. They were hooded, a darker green than normal, and were serious.

My lip quivered and my breathing was ragged as I felt him ghost over my clit and my opening. Nothing changed for several minutes; my already screaming libido went to fever pitch, and then his mouth was like molten lava on mine as he curled his fingers in me and pressed his thumb on my clit, moving them in a slow then fast rhythm.

My hands, which had been planted on his hips, moved up his back, digging in my nails. A grumble moved from deep within him and poured out into me. It didn't stop, the grumbling or his hands. My brain was trying to make sense of an idea, but was clouded over with sex and the need for a release.

It didn't take long for the idea to come up - he needed a release, also. I slipped the button out of the hole on his jeans and slightly unzipped them. Once I had enough room, I slipped my hand in, instantly feeling the hardness of his cock. He groaned at just the feel of my grip on him. Just as I started to move my hand, his hips started moving.

Feeling him slide back and forth in my hand was exhilarating- the soft skin, the way it slid over the hard shaft, and the dribbling of fluid from out the head and onto my palm. We were lost in our manual stimulation, sighing, moaning, and slightly frantic. I was on the verge of coming, just on the precipice. I knew he was close, too.

His noises had grown louder as did my moans and sighs. My toes had started to curl under as my hand on his back dug in deeper. His thrusts were fast and quick. On the edge of our orgasms, a loud, irritated sigh coupled with a deep thud ricocheted, instantaneously breaking my connection with Cullen. His lips snarled against my cheek as anger shook his body.

Meekly, I looked over his shoulder and saw Jake leaning against the wall, one arm raised against the wall and another gripping his hip. I whispered to Cullen who it was. His response was a "fuck."

"Do you two mind not doing that when there's a big chance one of us will walk up and see?" Jake sneered.

Cullen quickly shot up, not caring that his cock was still hanging out, and pointed a finger in his bandmate's face.

"I will do whatever the fuck I feel like doing. If it's getting it on with my girl, that's what I'll do."

They stood several inches apart, Jake was statue-still while Cullen tucked himself back in his jeans then zipped and buttoned them back up. I straightened my clothing back into place and combed my fingers through my hair as I got up. Before I could reach them, Carlisle walked in.

"Jesus fucking Christ! Not you two again. This shit needs to stop. _Now!_"

He stood between them, grabbing their bare shoulders, breathing deeply and heavily. I took his son's hand and pulled him with me towards the direction of the lounge. He gave Jake a last parting look before turning to me, following me down the hallway to sounds of lively chatter.

**C.**

After the confrontation with Jake, Bella pulled me back to the lounge. Everyone sat around eating breakfast and talking about the day, the day Alice had planned for me - for my birthday. Even though my birthday wasn't until tomorrow, we had a show on my actual birthday, so celebrating the day before was better.

Esme tried pushing food onto me, but I was only hungry enough for a cup of coffee. I stood against the counter, watching everyone interact, and noticed when Bella sat down next to Alice and pulled one foot underneath her leg, there was a wet spot on the crotch of her tiny shorts. The site of her liquid arousal stirred my dick back to attention.

I wanted everyone to fade away, everyone but Bella and me. I wanted her laid out before me, legs spread far apart so I could see how aroused she was, so I could smell the heady, tangy odor, and feel the slippery, liquid silk. Those thoughts diminished quickly when I knew what was going to happen. I hoped she would forgive me, but it was what I wanted.

She made a comment about needing to get more clothes when we got to the club, not knowing we were going to the hotel. Alice correctly informed her. I noticed she found relief in knowing she could get a quick shower before heading out to start the girl's day out.

Bella seemed engrossed in conversation with Alice and Esme. Rose was being a bitch and not speaking to anyone. I drank the last black bitterness of the coffee, sat my cup in the sink, took one last look at her, and walked back up front. No one was up there as Jake and my father had come back to the lounge, so I was alone.

I pulled my laptop bag out, finding the yellow-papered notepad. I tried to find words to express to her, but everything I wanted to say from my own brain were silent. The words were there, always bubbling under the spider web thin surface. With no words of my own, I started to think of Irish poems. It didn't take long before one came to mind.

I wrote the words as if they were my own and hoped she would think of them when the events of later today began. All I had was hope and faith that these words would be enough. When I was done, I tore the paper from the notepad, folded it in three parts, and placed it in the little bag she used as a purse.

I sat back and sighed. I was a selfish bastard, a fucked up bastard, but this was what I wanted.

**B.**

Sitting in the deep soaking tub with my feet pressed against the white ceramic, toes playing with the faucet handles, I watched Cullen shower in the walk-in shower. Water ran in hundreds of rivulets down his pale, muscled body. His hands hugged the bar of soap as he washed his manhood. Even through the steam and water, I could see the bruises on his arm that was facing me. I closed my eyes while I was laying my head on the upper end of the tub and listened as the water splashed off his body and his deep voice hummed an unfamiliar melody.

A few moments later, I opened my eyes and reached behind me to grab my phone that laid on the edge of the bathroom counter behind me. I looked at the time, which read eight o'clock in the morning. I had been lying in the bathtub for thirty minutes. The tub was situated between two separate bathroom counters that had white marble tops with dark wood bottoms. The entire bathroom was white marble.

Carlisle had booked Cullen the Empire Suite at the St. Regis Atlanta Hotel. When I had walked in, I stopped and stood in shock. The room was fancier than the room in Portland or Dallas. It was bigger than the little house that I lived in with my father. I gathered myself when I felt Cullen's hand press into the hollow of my lower back while looking around to me. He smirked as his eyes playfully stared at me. A little, white haired man spooked me when he picked up my bags - the damn place came with a fucking butler.

Harry was his name and he left us alone, telling us to press a button if we needed him. The suite was done in hues of cream, taupe, and mineral green with sprays of fresh flowers strategically placed throughout. Floor-to-ceiling windows were in every room. All throughout the suite were crown moldings, handcrafted chandeliers, and macassar ebony furnishings.

Cullen found the place surrounded by French doors that opened out to small balconies. I was with him when we found the room with the piano that sat beside one of the French doors. I knew at some point he would be sitting in the room with the doors open, looking out over the balcony, playing piano.

The rest of the suite was made of two bedrooms, though we stayed in the master, a full kitchen, and dining room. Two sofas framed a fireplace in the main sitting area that opened out to the dining room. The master bedroom had a king bed with plush and luxurious bedding, mostly done in cream with accents of turquoise and gold. There was a cream colored settee at the foot of the bed.

The twenty-eight hundred square-foot suite had all the modern technology with Wi-Fi, an advanced sound system with an iPod sound dock, DVD player, a thirty-seven inch flat screen, and seventeen-inch LCD television behind the glass of the intelligent mirrors in the bathroom.

In my mind, it was all too much, but Carlisle wanted the best for his oldest, so no expense was too great.

I was staring at my cell phone screen, knowing I had to get out of the tub soon as our spa appointments were at nine. I had been lost in thought and didn't see Cullen standing over me, wrapped in a towel that hung low on his slim hips. His presence was made aware when his finger wiped a drop of water from my stimulated nipple. The water had turned cold.

I gasped at his touch, instinctively covering my breasts with my forearms while clutching my phone. The first area of flesh I noticed was the most recent bruise, clear of the dried flood. Quickly, I moved my eyes to his face. No emotions played across his face - a face that rivaled the beauty of Pagan gods. If he were a Pagan god, I imagined he would be Eros or Cupid; the same god except for one name was Greek as the other was Roman. I was definitely not Psyche to his Cupid, as Psyche was beyond beautiful to the point of men leaving the altars of Venus to come give honors to her. That was not me.

"Don't you need to be drying off and getting dressed?" he asked, emotionlessly.

I nodded. He stared a few seconds longer, and then grazed his fingers over my shoulder as he moved past me. I stayed in the cold water for a few minutes more, waiting for Cullen to leave the bathroom. The heated passion from earlier this morning was long gone and replaced with a distance that caused the dulled dread to soar to new heights. Whatever was going to happen was going to be soon.

I hoped the soft, plush white towel that I was drying off with would help calm the tossing and turning of my insides, but as seconds, minutes went by, the doom crept deeper and deeper. Wrapping the towel around my naked body, I padded into the bedroom and found myself alone.

The clock on the bedside table read a quarter past eight. Laid out on the bed were heather gray shorts with a wide waistband, a black camisole, a black demi bra and its matching black boy shorts. Cullen must've picked them out before getting in the shower. Looking down, I saw simple black flip-flops on the floor at the side of the bed. I smiled at the simple gesture, causing a minuscule flutter of happiness until the sinking depth of uneasiness pressed down harder, nearly bringing my breakfast back up to my throat.

Time wasn't on my side, so I swallowed back the darkness and proceeded to get dressed. My body went into autopilot. I didn't notice I was fully dressed, teeth brushed, hair dried and pulled back, and antiperspirant on when Alice skipped into the bedroom with Esme and Rosalie in tow.

All three stopped in the middle of the room, staring at me with expressions I couldn't read. I should've been worried as to what they saw when they walked in, but I couldn't muster the energy to care.

Alice slowly walked over to me with a hand extended out, lightly placing it on my shoulder when she came close enough. She searched my face, looking for answers or waiting for me to respond. I forced a smile, blinking back tears I didn't know were forming.

"Are you girls ready to go? I'm excited for today, even though I have no idea what to get Cullen for his birthday." I knew I sounded phony.

Esme went along with the act and smiled in return, while Alice turned to face Rosalie. I watched as the frigid bitch shrugged her shoulders and went back to acting bored. Something told me I shouldn't try to be her friend.

Alice flew back around, cupped my face, and placed a kiss on my cheek, smiling as she retreated. I felt arms move around my shoulders and saw Esme come into my periphery, smiling also. She leaned her head onto my temple and hugged me into her. A part of me wanted to sag my weight on her, but I didn't.

"Let's get going. There's a cab waiting outside for us," Alice interrupted.

I laughed and let Esme pull me away.

Cullen was busy out on the balcony off the living room typing away on his laptop. I kissed his cheek and he stroked my arm. Once again, I noticed paragraphs upon paragraphs typed out on the screen. Wrapping my arms around him from behind, I nuzzled into his neck, trying to sneak a look at the words. But my attempt at being sneaky was snuffed out - Cullen closed the computer.

I pulled my eyes away and lightly kissed up his neck, taking his earlobe in between my teeth and gently suckling it. He groaned and turned his face in towards mine, faintly brushing his lips on my mouth.

"Bella, you can enjoy foreplay when we get back this afternoon. Let's get going," Alice interrupted, demanding.

We both sighed and gave one last peck to one another. On parting, I patted his bare shoulder and grabbed my little purse on the way out, stuffing my phone inside. My hand grazed a folded piece of paper. Knowing I didn't put it in there, I looked back over at Cullen and faintly smiled. I would read it when I was alone. Maybe I would get a few moments at the spa.

We were given sage green terrycloth robes and spa flip-flops. I undressed last, wanting to take out Cullen's note and hide it. I stuffed it in the pocket of the robe.

"Bella, come on. They are waiting on us," Alice whined through the closed door.

I rolled my eyes as I smoothed my hair in place and walked towards the door. She yanked my hand, pulling me hard enough that I almost knocked her down. Esme giggled and Rosalie groaned.

"Bella, this is going to be so much fun," Alice squeaked like a mouse as she scrunched our hands into her chest and beamed at me with all teeth.

I nodded and looked at the little blonde waiting for us. Her nametag read Lauren. She was going to be my massage therapist. I kept my profession to myself until half pint blurted it out. For some reason, other therapists get nervous massaging other therapists. I told her I had just graduated school a month or so ago. She was only three months in.

The other three therapists were men - Royce, Laurent, and Peter. Rosalie had Royce, Esme had Laurent, and Alice had Peter. They walked up to the massage rooms. Each room was for couple massages - Esme and Alice went into one room and frigid bitch and I went into the other. Heavy, hunter green curtains that were opened at the beginning of the massages separated the room. Of course, I had to share my massage with Frosty.

Lauren informed me that after the massage I had a facial that included a body wrap, lunch, and then a pedicure that included all of us girls, as did the lunch. She went over the intake form that I had filled out upon my arrival and said I was signed up for a Swedish. That was fine, but I really wanted a Deep Tissue. I didn't say anything since I was coming here for free.

After she left, I hung my robe on the hook behind the door, got under the covers on the table, and laid face down. Before taking off the robe, I had tucked the note under the side of my boy shorts, so I pulled it out and opened it. In the flicker of candles, I read these sweet words.

"_How beautiful, how beautiful you streamed upon my sight,_

_ In glory and in grandeur, as a gorgeous sunset-light!_

_ How softly, soul-subduing, fell your words upon mine ear,_

_ Like low aerial music when some angel hovers near!_

_ What tremulous, faint ecstasy to clasp your hand in mine,_

_ Till the darkness fell upon me of a glory too divine!_

_ The air around grew languid with our intermingled breath,_

_ And in your beauty's shadow I sank motionless as death-_

_ I only felt that life could give no joy like that again."_

_ -'Corinne's Last Love-Song' by Lady Jane Wilde_

Small tears streaked down my face, rolling down onto the table sheet. The words should have made me feel loved and wanted, but they only exacerbated the deeply imbedded doom.

When Lauren walked back in the room, I was sniffling and trying to dry the tears by rubbing my face against the covered face cradle. A soft touch on my back alerted me that she knew I was upset.

"Bella, is everything alright? Is something wrong?" She was kind and concerned.

There was a shitload wrong, but none of it I could share with her, so I made up an excuse.

"Oh yes. I'm fine. The pressure of laying face down stimulated my sinuses," I croaked.

A soft pat on my back said she understood, and then I felt her pulling back the covers, exposing my naked back. Scraping sounds and the noise of heavy fabric announced that Frosty and I were now beginning our massages.

"Royce, can you turn up the heat on the table? I'm freezing," she whined.

He complied dutifully.

Lauren placed a tissue under the face cradle with the aroma of vanilla, the scent I had picked out. It was also in the massage oil she used on me.

A few minutes into the massage, Frosty complained again. This time she was too warm. Then she didn't want oil anymore but lotion. Then the blanket was too heavy; the fragrance was too strong, and then his pressure was too light, then too much. I heard both therapists take deep, inward sighs. I balled my hands into fists.

While Rosalie bitched, I did everything I could not to concentrate on the sickening feeling churning within me. I thought about what color I wanted for my toes. I thought about what kind of salad I wanted for lunch and I thought about what I wanted to wear tonight. But nothing, nothing would take it away.

By the time I was turning over, I was swallowing back the rising bile. The bitter taste lay settled on the cusp of my throat. Lauren finished the dreadful massage with my feet. Between Frosty's incessant bitching and the sinking feeling, I hated the massage. It wasn't Lauren. She did everything she could to make it enjoyable and relaxing. I wanted nothing more than to get off the table, put the robe back on, and leave. I wanted to leave the whole damn place, go back to the hotel, and have Cullen hold me firmly against the wall and fuck me. Then have him tell me things were going to be okay and nothing horrendous would ever happen, but I knew that would be a lie. I felt the horrid event barreling down on me, suffocating me.

I lay lost in my thoughts until I heard the scraping of the curtains hooks, signifying I was closed off from the cold snake in the other room. His note felt heavy enclosed in my clutch, like holding a bowling ball. My lungs took several deep, slow breaths as I counted to three before getting up.

Once the robe was securely tied and the note was back safe in a pocket, I opened the door where I was greeted with a glass of ice water that had a lemon wedge tucked on the rim. The water felt good going down, making me notice how unaware I was of being parched.

Rosalie was already in the sitting room, flipping through a magazine while relaxing New Age music played. I took the chair opposite her, grabbing a magazine for myself. Her foot bounced out of rhythm as the music flowed. I sat my water on the table next to the chair and began flipping the pages, not really paying attention to what I was looking at. Frosty was deliberately ignoring me.

We sat that way the entire time before the happy chirping of Esme and Alice broke the silence. Alice bounced over to me, like a toddler holding a piece of candy, and flopped in the seat next to mine. Esme sat down next to Rose and asked how she liked her massage. She lied and said she loved it and it was the best she'd ever had. Unknowingly, I must've loudly huffed because I had three eyes staring at me.

"Bella, you okay?" Esme asked, nicely.

I sipped my water, dropping in the lemon wedge, and placed it back down. I nodded in response.

"Sorry, I just had a tickle in the back of my throat."

It seemed to be an acceptable answer as she went back to chatting with Frosty as Alice braced my arm and went back to chattering, excited about the facial and body wrap. I was happy about them, too. It would be me and the other person, who I did not know. People I didn't know were rapidly becoming my favorite people.

When I was wrapped up like a burrito for the body wrap and the esthetician started massaging my face, head, and neck, I was left alone in my thoughts, again. There was zero evidence as to why I should be feeling the way I was. Yes, Cullen had tons of emails and texts, and spent a lot of time on his computer, but it proved nothing - except there was that name, Josie. It bothered me, laid under my skin like an infection.

The facial and body wrap were enjoyable. We hardly spoke and when it was over, my skin felt incredible, all soft and silky. The only thing that bothered me was my hair. It was oily from the massage and it hung in stringy, oily ropes. Alice offered me a hair tie as hers was back off her face in a hair band. Of course, Frosty was walking around unscathed, looking like she was ready for a photo shoot to promote the spa. Esme fit in with Alice and I; her hair was in an oily ponytail too.

"Don't worry, I booked us a shampoo and style after the pedis," Alice whispered to me. I smirked and rested my head on top of hers. I was beginning to unwind, a little.

Our lunch was served in an open, airy room with a million windows to let in the hot June sunlight. Two of us had grilled chicken salads. Esme had grilled salmon with summer vegetables while Rosalie had a grilled cheeseburger with a ton of toppings and a plateful of French fries. All four of us drank our lemon water.

Out of the services we had, I enjoyed the pedicure the most. Even with Frosty sitting next to me, commandeering the nail techs steps. I picked a pretty berry color, hoping the cheerful color would perk my mood up. Alice picked black, Esme wanted a tropical orange color, and Frosty picked a pale, shimmery blue - like the sun reflecting off an iceberg.

Right after my feet were wrapped in paraffin wax, my phone buzzed with a text message from Cullen. The message said for me to come back to the suite as soon as possible. I replied that we had shopping still to do and asked what he wanted for his birthday. He said I didn't need to get him anything, he just wanted me to come back soon. A small flitter of butterflies circled in my tummy, making me produce a tiny smile.

Esme patted my hand, mimicking the same smile I had, and sighed. Frosty screeched higher than usual as she told the poor nail girl not to scrub the heel of her foot so hard. I looked at the girl's face and saw her lips moving, most likely telling herself what a cunt Rosalie was. Alice was reclined back with her eyes closed as if she was in a post orgasmic haze, and she probably was.

Twenty minutes later, our toes were done and the polish was dried, which meant we had our shampoo and style up next. We were escorted back to the changing rooms; I was the first one in. As I changed, I noticed the only article of clothing that wasn't black were the shorts. My clothing matched my mood. The note immediately was shoved back into my purse.

They walked in the same relaxing swagger, in unison. There were shops everywhere, but surprisingly, they skipped on buying clothing, as there was no room. Instead, they splurged on jewelry, none of it I could afford. All the trinkets and baubles twinkled, sparkled, and gleamed. All facets of color were nestled in settings in varying shapes and sizes.

In one of the cases, I saw a small star with tiny diamonds making up its sparkle. It was situated on a thin, clear cord-the jeweler said it was a floating necklace. The little price tag said the price was thirty dollars, on sale from seventy-five. I wanted it, so the girl behind the counter wrapped it up, put it in a small store bag, and I paid for it.

Alice had bought several pairs of hoop earrings, Frosty sported a huge emerald on her middle finger of her left hand, and Esme bought a simple gold chain. Alice and Rose saw The Cheesecake Factory, and stated that they were about to start their periods. Wonderful thing about having an IUD is no periods. Esme and I passed on getting cheesecake, so we walked into a music store that wasn't too far from the eatery. We both needed to get Cullen something for his birthday.

Once inside, I stared at the rows of guitars, noting the different sizes and shapes, and knew nothing of their differences. There were keyboards, drum kits, and various other instruments. Esme motioned over one of the sales associates named Peter, stating she wanted a top of the line acoustic guitar and its accessories.

Peter walked us over to the acoustic guitars and picked up a black one. Along its neck, where there were usually circles, were silver stars. Esme loved it. He showed us guitar picks in varying colors, strings, and other items. I picked up a pack of black picks and walked over to a rack that had books on how to play certain famous songs or of famous bands. I picked out a songbooks from Motley Crue and oddly enough, HIM. Next to the rack were shelves with composition books, so I grabbed a couple of them. I had finished birthday shopping for Cullen.

After Esme and I paid for his gifts, we found Rose and Alice waiting outside the store eating their slices of cheesecake with shopping bags from The Cheesecake Factory. Alice had bought New York cheesecakes for Esme and me. Rose had gotten Emmett a caramel one.

Esme looked at her watch and saw it was going on three o'clock. She wanted to head back to the hotel to relax a bit before tonight. I wanted that as well as did the other girls. Rose hailed a cab and we drove off towards the hotel.

I was the last to get off the elevator as the other three got off on the same floor. As I walked towards the door to the suite, I dug into my purse looking for the keycard, and finding it at the bottom. The walk to the door seemed never ending as every centimeter I walked, my stomach dropped lower and the urge to vomit increased. I knew whatever had been giving me the sickening feeling for the last couple of weeks would be coming at me very soon.

When I reached the door to our suite, I saw a "Do Not Disturb" sign hanging from the handle. Something about it seemed odd but not too out of the ordinary. One of the guys from the band or crew could have possibly knocked on the door. I slipped the keycard through the scanner and got a red flash, so I slipped it through again. After several tries, several red flashes, and several aggravated sighs, I knocked on the door.

The door opened and as I was about to walk in, a tall, leggy girl with long brown hair stood in my way, wearing a short, pink silk robe that was tied at the waist. I looked up from her perfectly French manicured feet, long pale legs, manicured hands, and finally ending at her porcelain smooth face. Her lips were slightly full, a bit red and swollen. Her nose was slender with a slight slope, and her eyes were a slate blue with lines of baby blue running out from the pupils. Overall, she was exquisite and I had no idea who the hell she was.

She moved out of the way when I was done perusing her, so I could walk into the suite. I placed my purse on the table beside the door, along with my bags. We both remained silent. I was dumbfounded and wanted to find a toilet to vomit up my lunch. She stood with her hands on her hips, waiting for me to make a move. I knew who had the answers.

I ran from the entrance area to living room, and he wasn't in there. I checked on the balcony, no sign. My stomach and every nerve ending felt as if they were trying to escape my body via my mouth. I knew if I stood still I would be shaking. My brain knew which room he was in; I just didn't want to acknowledge it. I searched every room, stalling.

Finally, when I could no longer take it, I went to the master bedroom. Lying on his side on the massive bed, shirtless, I found him cutting white lines of powder. Coke. His feet were bare, but his jeans were intact. He looked up at me, smirking. Behind him, the bed looked the same as this morning when I left. Soft padding sounds entering the room alerted me to her.

She walked around and stood on the side of the bed, watching Cullen make six perfectly straight lines. My thoughts settled on no particular idea; they all raced together at warp speed. It felt as if millions of ants were crawling on my skin. And I could no longer take the silence, but she spoke before I could.

"You must be Bella. I'm Tanya, although most know me as Josie. My middle name is Josephine."

Her voice was calm and cheerful as if the situation was nothing out of the ordinary. I felt my jaw hinges move. I could say nothing. I wanted to so badly. Cullen moved off the bed carrying the black tray, moving towards me.

My feet were planted. Nothing on me moved. He watched me as a predator watches its prey. When he was in front of me, he sat the tray on the end of the bed and cupped the right side of my face. The smooth pad of his thumb stroked across my skin. He whispered about how soft I felt.

Before I knew, he was standing completely before me, holding both sides of my face, and drawing me towards his lips. His lips and breath tasted and smelled sweet, like wine. He softly kissed me, holding me in place by moving one hand to underneath my hair and the other to the small of my back.

We pressed together. The air from his nose lightly blew across my cheeks. He pulled away, moving to my ear where he suckled gently, and then moving to my neck, placing soft open-mouthed kisses. As he moved across my neck to the other side, I tried to keep a hold of my nerves, but they were slowly unraveling as was the knot in my stomach. The tight, wadded knot that had taken up residence came undone easily. All I felt was my need for him.

His hand on my lower back had moved lower into the waistband of my shorts as he now stroked my ass and moving lower to the edge of the boy shorts, trying to slip a finger underneath, leading into the crotch area. With a few twists of his fingers, he was sliding between my legs, easily finding my opening.

I moaned into his neck, clutching on the tops of his shoulders as his tongue slid up and down my neck. He moved back up to my mouth and placed a soft kiss. I leaned my forehead against his, closing my eyes. As his fingers deliciously tortured me, he finally spoke.

"This is what I want…for my birthday. Please," he whispered pleadingly.

On the surface, I had no idea what he wanted, but subconsciously I knew. I didn't want to acknowledge it. He kissed my forehead and then turned to move out my way, taking his fingers away and rubbing them on his jeans. With his right hand, he motioned to the black tray sitting on the bed with the six white lines on them - two for each of us.

Everything was gone, lost. I knew nothing of what happened earlier or what was to come later. I only knew of the now. This is what he wanted from me as a gift. As much as I might want to run away, I know I will give him anything he wants.

I bent over, grabbed the segment of plastic straw and inhaled slowly my two lines. While I did that, Cullen had moved behind me and pulled down my shorts - keeping my boy shorts on.

Standing back up, I pulled my shirt over my head and dropped it on top my shorts as I slipped out of my shoes. I watched as he removed his jeans, pushing them with his bare feet over to my pile. He gently pushed me aside so he could bend down and snort his two lines, pushing the tray towards her.

He took my hand and guided me to the other side of the bed, offering to help me up. I looked up and saw Tanya was lying on the bed with nothing on except for pale pink panties. Her nipples were a soft pink and budded. She was perfect. Cullen nudged me. I let go a breath I hadn't known I had been holding and climbed up on the bed. My mind and body zinged with the high from the coke as one hand clasped around my right hand as another softly caressed my ass and thigh while they murmured words into my neck.


	19. Chapter 18 In Praise of Bacchus

**Sorry for the long wait in updates, this chapter was hard to write. In between trying to get the chapter right, I did some reading. Some of these stories I read a couple of months ago and didn't add them to my last update. Here they are.**

**1. Sins of the Father by bethaboo**

**2. Under the Apple Tree by danieller123**

**3. Love in My Box by cosmoandmarvar**

**4. The Ride by aylah50**

**5. Elusively Yours by GemmaH**

**6. Righteous and Wicked by **

**7. Come Find Me by samrosey**

**Also big thanks to my beta adt216 and pre-reader acinad816**

* * *

Chapter 18

"Hey Bacchus…

She hates me…"

- In Praise of Bacchus, Type O Negative

B.

The late afternoon sun plastered shades of gold and red through the bedroom. For some reason, the curtain was wide open, making my eyes squint. The silence was deafening. There were no sounds of the busy Atlanta traffic, no sound of water dripping or a clock ticking. It was as if I was on the planet alone.

With nothing to distract my senses, flickering flashes of earlier blipped in my memory like a spot on a radar screen. Memories of arms, fingers, tongues, teeth, legs and primal sounding shrieks ricocheted behind my eyes. Memories flashed like a rapid slide show- my leg bent at a particular angle with one tongue on my breast and another between my legs or my fingers exploring and vigorously moving as my tongue followed in the same exploration.

The last memory was of him whispering sentimental words before I drifted off to sleep as I lay within a circle of warmth. Finally coming to, I stretched out my arms and felt nothing but the cool sheets. Panicking, I raised up on one elbow, bringing the bed sheet to my chest, and looked around. Their clothes were still strewn everywhere, and the unfamiliar luggage sat far off in a corner. The sight should have given me a sense of comfort, but oddly, in that moment, I didn't feel anything.

I looked over at the bedside clock and saw it was thirty minutes until seven. I cursed under my breath, ripped the covers away, and darted over to my bags - pulling out whatever I could.

Once I dragged my ass into the bathroom, I looked at the mirror that was to the right of the bathtub, and groaned at the image reflected back. My hair was messy and knotted and would be impossible to fix without being late. So I took a look at what I had pulled out of my bags and knew a messy ponytail would be perfect.

With my complexion verging on porcelain, I nixed liquid makeup and went with a thin line of black waterproof eyeliner and mascara over a light dusting of pink eye shadow while finishing off with touch of sheer pink lip-gloss. Less was definitely more.

Grabbing the dress, I ran back to the bedroom and rummaged through my bags, pulling out a pair of cute white and black Mary Jane styled heels that had a thin ankle strap that was white and matched the white toe of the shoes. The dress itself was a black mini dress with an all over pink and white skull butterfly print, a slight black sweetheart neckline with two small buttons in the middle, black straps that were connected at the neckline with black bows at each conjunction, and a thin, black mesh trim on the bottom. The back closed with a zipper and a black satin sash tied in the back, tightening the dress in the waist area.

When I finally had the dress and shoes on, I found a pair of the silver hoop earrings Alice had picked out and put them on. I took one last look in the bathroom mirror, did a quick bump, and made my way to the front door of the suite. Just as I was about to open the door, I saw my bags and remembered my necklace.

I pulled it out of the box, the diamonds hitting the light and refracting hundreds of rainbows throughout the suite. Quickly, I clasped it, admired the tiny, sparkling star, and hid the rest of my bags that were Cullen's gifts. They would wait until later. I still felt…nothing. Even after doing a quick bump in the bathroom before leaving.

Throughout the elevator ride and the long walk to the lobby, my mind was numb…my heart was numb. I felt the coke racing through my system, racing towards the wall of numbness - splattering and ricocheting. Though my heart was numb, it raced…thump, thump, thump. My mind was numb but thoughts, ideas, and images raced, becoming one giant blur.

"Jesus fucking Christ," someone muttered.

The curse stopped me, even though it was said under her breath. Rosalie was sitting in one of the sea green armchairs wearing a red and black plaid strapless mini dress with red heels that would break my neck, her wheat and gold hair cascaded down her tits. Scrolling through her phone and looking at me dead in the eyes, she smirked like the bitch she was- her red lips turned up at one side. I felt my lips scowl.

"What the fuck is your problem?" I sneered.

I watched as she poked the inside of her cheek with her tongue, considering her answer. A moment later, she shook her head and put her phone back in her small purse. Her body straightened like a cobra ready to strike and she walked over to me.

"Bella, you're fucked up on something, either chemically or mentally. I'm a gambling girl so I'm going to bet it's both. Has this lifestyle gotten to be too much for you?" Her voice dripped with honey and venom.

My eyes roamed all over her face before settling back on her ice blue eyes.

"Fuck you," I seethed through gritted teeth.

I quirked an eyebrow, daring a response, and when there was none, I walked off, leaving her scowling. My anger rapidly subsided as the clicks of my heels echoed off the flooring.

Further up, I noticed a long staircase that lead down to the lobby. I knew my balance would be off. The railing was black and as I descended down on the carpeted stairs, I noticed the chandelier above me. For a split second, I came close to losing my footing and heard Frosty behind me holding back her laughter. The glint from the crystals had captured my attention as they danced around in circles of pastel rainbows.

I felt a hand wrap around the nook of my elbow, gently pulling me. Alice's tiny face came into view with both eyebrows raised, silently questioning me if I was okay to walk.

"Bella…"

My head snapped up at the motherly voice, my eyes connecting with Esme's. She was wearing black dress pants, a shiny, silver tank with a v-neck line, and black and silver kitten heeled shoes. Her hair was back in a ponytail like mine.

I gathered my bearings, clutched my purse close, and squared my shoulders. It was difficult to keep my eyes focused, but I seemed to manage. Frosty stood next to Esme as they all waited for me to answer. I felt Alice pull my bottom lip out of the grip of my teeth.

"I'm fine. I woke up alone in the suite. Cullen was nowhere to be found, so I'm getting over being worried," I shakily answered.

Alice and Frosty instantly glanced a look at each other while Esme walked forward and wrapped her arms around me, patting my back like a mother consoles her frightened child.

"Sweetheart, I'm sure he's fine. Now, let us get downstairs and get this evening started. Shall we?"

She gently pushed, and I took a step. Alice hooked her elbow around mine for support. I noticed she was wearing black, low-rise capri pants, a teal, sweetheart neckline halter top, black wedges, and silver dangly earrings that looked like the metallic stringy tinsel used on Christmas trees. I felt out of place with my attire, but it was too late for me to go back and change.

Carlisle stood at the bottom of the staircase, watching me as the three women helped me down. He looked upon me disappointedly. A long, exaggerated sigh blew from his lips as he raked his hand through his blond hair.

Frosty immediately went to Emmett's side while Alice lingered next to me, reaching out for Jasper's hand. Esme joined her husband as we stood in the middle of the lobby next to a round table with a beautiful floral arrangement. I noticed the flooring was a dark brown with huge area rugs in hues of gold placed in designated areas. Jasper broke my scoping of the lobby.

"Bella, do you know where Cullen is?" he asked, his Southern accent thick.

"I was going to ask you guys," I replied, breaking my eye contact with him to scope out different parts of the lobby. I saw a sign that read "St. Regis Bar." Something told me they were in there.

"Well, he can't be too far. He wouldn't miss out on a night that's completely devoted to him."

We all turned around and saw Jake, Paul, and Embry walking down the last few steps of the staircase. All the men, except Carlisle, who was wearing khaki pants and a black polo shirt, were dressed in jeans, black boots, and casual button down shirts in different colors. With the sight of Jake and Paul, my mind quickly flashed back to the night I saw them in the parking lot, and I held back a giggle by giving a short, forced cough. Jake still didn't know I knew.

Upon seeing me, Jake nodded, grimacing at the sight of my glassy eyes. His stare scrutinized me, automatically judging me. I didn't give a fuck, for in that moment all I cared about was in the St. Regis Bar. I turned to Esme and pointed in the direction of the bar. She looked around me and raised her eyebrows upon seeing the sign for the bar.

"I'm going in to see if I can find him," I said to her, feeling my heart beat a million times a second as I anticipated what I would see once I found him.

Fortunately or unfortunately, before I could make my way to the bar, I heard his voice and her throaty laugh. It felt like fingernails on a chalkboard. In front of me, I heard gasps, murmurs, and "what the fuck." My eyes instantly shot up to Carlisle, looks of confusion, disappointment, and something unreadable played on his face. I was so intensely focused on everyone else that I hadn't noticed my fingers rapidly playing with the mesh trim at the bottom of my dress and my other hand tensing and relaxing around my purse.

When I wasn't focusing on someone or something, my eyes were bouncing around from place to place. I should have been happy, enjoying everything and everybody, but it appeared my emotions were drowning out the glorious high that should've been ravaging my body.

Alice moved in front me, as if shielding me, and watched Cullen and Josie or Tanya, whichever name people used. He saw the lot of us awaiting him, devilishly smirking at the surprised and irritated looks. He wore black jeans belted with a silver studded belt, a simple white t-shirt, and his usual black Doc Martens. Josie wore a simple, gauzy, black summer dress that had a floral print, white, strappy sandals, and a simple diamond necklace with matching diamond stud earrings. Her hair was down with one side draped over her left shoulder, and her makeup was simple and natural.

"Tanya, what are you doing here?" Alice fiercely asked, her little, balled up fists on her hips.

I spoke before she or Cullen could.

"Alice, this is the Josie that's been calling him for the past couple of weeks," I disconnectedly told her.

Confusion played on her face as she turned to me and then slowly turned back to face them. Carlisle spoke before Alice could.

"Son, you have known she was coming, and you didn't bother mentioning it to anyone?" he asked, standing with one hand in his pants pocket while the other scratched his temple.

Cullen chewed on the inside of his left cheek, rocking back on his heels, surveying the situation and calculating his response. He dislodged his cheek from his teeth, slowly licked the corner of his mouth, and snorted.

"I thought this was _my_ birthday and that I could invite whoever the fuck I wanted," he said, pointing his finger in the area we all stood in.

Carlisle eyed his son with carefully. My eyeballs zipped back and forth between the two, like a tennis match set to the highest level of fast forward. Josie stood quietly next to Cullen with her hand flatly splayed on his abdomen, displaying an air of possessiveness. Her total disregard for me set me on fire as it did Alice, too. But both of us remained silent as saying something would make matters worse.

Carlisle closed his eyes and sighed, giving in to this son, his hands in front of him.

"Fine. It would have been considerate to have known she was coming. Let's get on with this freak show," Carlisle replied, shaking his head and motioning towards the main entrance and exit of the hotel.

Cullen nodded for me to take my place on his other side by holding out his right arm. My skin crawled, my heart raced, and I had ten million images and thoughts zooming in my head. There was much I wanted to rattle off, but I took my place beside him, feeling his hand firmly implanted at the small of my back. His nose airily brushed the column of my neck, slowly seeking my ear. He softly raked his teeth on my lobe, breathing his whiskey-laden breath on my skin. I set my mouth in a tight line as the stench curled its way upward, assaulting my nose. The coke rushing through my system made my senses acute.

Before he spoke, the light from the chandelier above caught the diamonds in my necklace, causing Cullen to pull away a fraction to inspect the intrusion. I saw the corners of his lips quiver in amusement at the twinkling star.

"That's a nice little trinket you have there. I have been trying to find a word for what you mean in my life and couldn't think of one. Now, you are wearing what I've been trying to think of- you're the bright, twinkling star in my life. Thank you," he whispered in my ear, his tone full of sentimental honesty.

I turned my face just enough that my lips brushed his. Our lips barely touched as they danced in the faintest of kisses. His tongue airily moved over my bottom lip, stopping to give the corner of my mouth a light, chaste kiss. Josie had twisted the front of Cullen's shirt in her fist, even though she had a saccharin smile plastered across her face.

"Did you buy the necklace yourself?" Cullen asked.

"Yes," I hoarsely answered, clearing my throat, not understanding why he asked.

He nodded and started walking towards the exit.

"Wait!" Alice shouted.

Everyone stopped and looked back at her.

"I'm so sorry, but I changed the plans. We're having dinner here in the hotel and then getting into a Hummer limo to go over to The Masquerade," she answered, her voice pleading.

Cullen rolled his eyes, and Carlisle noncommittally shrugged. Frosty asked Alice where we would be eating.

"The hotel has a restaurant called "Paces 88 American Bistro." It's really pretty and elegant."

Cullen muttered he didn't want pretty and elegant. I thought a steakhouse that played country music and had peanuts thrown on the floor would have suited him better. I thought the only place where I would blend in would be at the club.

I watched as everyone gathered up gift wrapped boxes and gift bags that I hadn't noticed from beside the table with the floral arrangement. I felt like ass for leaving my gifts in the suite.

"Bella, where are your gifts?" Josie asked, licking her lips as she turned her body in towards Cullen. He nudged her in the side, causing her to back away a bit. I was frozen, afraid to say anything, and my brain was having issues concentrating, so I stared down at my shoes.

"It doesn't matter," he softly replied.

His hand tugged on mine. I looked over and saw they were walking to the restaurant. Cullen looked over his shoulder, pinching his eyebrows, most likely trying to figure out why I'm out of it. Without anymore delay, I put one foot in front of the other and walked beside him. He looked like the rock star he really was.

Once we entered the area of the restaurant, after what seemed like an eternity of walking and hearing Josie whispering in Cullen's ear and them laughing, I broke apart from his grasp, walked over to Esme, who was standing next to Frosty, Emmett, and Jasper. Alice and Carlisle were talking to the hostess. Jake, John Paul, and Embry stood beside us, chattering amongst themselves. Cullen and Josie were cheek to cheek, as she whispered something in his ear with her hand lightly framing his jawbone, his arm firmly planted on her hip with his arm around her waist.

Weirdness fell upon me. I couldn't place it as the coke skewed my awareness. When I felt my lips begin to twitch and my eyes well up, I tore my eyes from them, only to find Rose staring at me with brutal hostility. Once she saw my face, my expression, her eyes softened a bit. She cut them over to Cullen and…her. I didn't follow her line of vision.

A white tissue appeared in front of my lowered face, a gesture full of caring and empathy. I easily took the offering, turning my back to face the wall, and started dabbing underneath my eyes. _Why did I even care?_

After drying my eyes, I stuck the tissue in my purse and felt a hand on my shoulder. Looking up, I saw Jake kindly smiling. He squeezed me gently to him, holding the hug for a few moments before a rough cough behind us interrupted. Cullen was there, alone, standing with his arms crossed over his chest. His face was stonily emotionless.

"Bella, why are you over here and not with me?" he robotically asked.

Seconds after his question, a tidal wave of nerves crashed against me, feeling like the sick twisting of my innards that I had felt for the last week or so. I knew this night was going to add more surprises.

I balled my fists, pulled away from Jake, and leaned into Cullen.

"I got tired of being the third wheel," I retorted, gritting my teeth.

When I pulled back, Cullen's lip twitched in the corner. I didn't know whether it was from trying not to smirk or from hiding his irritation. He huffed, scratched his chin, nodded at me, and leaned down to me.

"I understand. I'm sorry. Will you come back over? I promise not to exclude you anymore," he whispered, his voice sounding smooth like the alcohol he consumed.

"You shouldn't have to begin with, but yes, I'll rejoin you," I answered as I habitually leaned into him, breathing in the heavy stench of whiskey.

His hands eased around my waist, pulled me in tighter, and kissed the crown of my head. His heart was thumping loudly, but at a normal beat, as I closed my eyes, and leaned more into him. He was warm, but his body was not the mass that it had been when I first joined them. In this moment, it was hard for me to recall the last time I had seen him eat. I hoped he would eat something tonight.

Someone behind me gently tapped my arm, so I looked up from the comfort of Cullen's chest and saw Alice standing there. I felt him lean his cheek on top of my head.

"Hey, they are ready to seat us," she calmly said, giving us both a slight smile.

"Thank you, Al."

I watched as she turned around and took her place beside Jasper, who was holding the multicolored balloon covered gifts. Hard, loud footsteps approached us from behind, as Josie stopped just shy of Cullen, annoyingly tapping her foot.

He kissed my lips tenderly, grazed my cheek with his nose, entwined his fingers with mine, and turned around to her. Josie's blue eyes zeroed in on me, furrowed her eyebrows, and set her lips in a tight smile. Arrogantly, I laid my head on Cullen's shoulder; he immediately pulled me in tighter. My hand splayed across his abdomen and moved lower to the top of his jeans. He reached his hand out. She grabbed it, gripping until her knuckles were white, as he didn't touch her anywhere else. Lowering my head, I smiled, big.

The hotel restaurant was perfect. I was happy Alice had picked it, and once Cullen saw it, he liked it too.

It was evening now, the sun a dimmed orange against the Atlanta skyline. The sparkle of the chandeliers played off Venetian plaster, casting a low-lit ambiance for the dinner crowd amongst the hues of champagne, taupe, and mineral green of the restaurant. Floor-to-ceiling windows framed views of lush, landscaped gardens. Two murals of Piedmont Park stood highlighted on the wall as beautiful ivory upholstery complimented the dark wood detailing of the room. It gave the feeling of understated profusion.

As we walked through the main hub of the establishment, on our way to the private dining room, holding Cullen's hand, my eyes took in every aspect as they felt on alert. Framed on some of the floor-to-ceiling windows were beautiful lace curtains that would have looked beautiful during the main hours of daylight, giving the earthy tones of the restaurant a radiant layer of natural light. Double-sided sconces hung all throughout the dining rooms, adding to the evening romance.

When we reached the dining room we would occupy, Cullen walked directly to the head of the table, with the background being one of the floor-to-ceiling windows with the beautiful lace curtains. He motioned for me to sit on one side and for Josie to sit on another, facing me. I shyly smirked at the duly noted scowl on her face, refusing to hide her bitchiness. Carlisle sat at the other opposing end of the table, facing his son, as Esme sat to the right of him, while Embry sat across from her. The other couples filled up the table, sitting across from one another, giving themselves legroom to play footsy underneath the table. From the look on Emmett's face, he had already started.

The hostess placed our menus in front of us and said our waitress, Carmen, would be with us shortly. Their list of exquisite wines tempted me. However, I knew I would be drinking more alcohol as the night forged on, so I settled on ordering water when the waitress got here. I looked over at Cullen, deep in concentration over the menu, and wondered what he would be getting.

"Hello, everyone, I'm Carmen. What can I get everyone to drink?" a cheery female asked as she entered the room.

A pretty girl with tan skin, dark chocolate colored hair with caramel streaks, honey colored eyes, and a glowing, white smile strolled up next to Cullen. I gawked as I saw Josie giving the waitress the stink eye, her manners taking a leave of absence. No one else noticed.

Cullen ordered a bourbon and Coke. Josie ordered vodka on the rocks. Alice ordered a glass of Cabernet as Jasper ordered a Coke. Frosty and Esme ordered Chardonnay while Emmett and Carlisle each ordered Guinness. I was the last.

"Just a water, please."

Carmen hesitated for a second before writing down my order, but not before I heard Josie whisper under her breath. "Poor, white trash."

Apparently, no one else overheard her scabrous remark. I stared at her from underneath my lashes, pretending I was browsing the menu. Failing at being inconspicuous, I watched as she feathered her fingertips over the top of Cullen's arm, and I noticed him moving marginally away. It stopped her movement, making her cut her eyes up from the menu. If she could have killed him, she would have.

Girlish giggling and snorting aroused me from my "stake out." Laying down the menu, I saw Jasper and Alice looking over their menus. Jasper was telling Alice the entrees were too fancy for a man of his stature. Esme and Carlisle joined in their carefree conversation, as did Emmett. The only person paying attention to our end was Frosty, mainly staring at Josie.

"So, Tanya, when did you decide to start going by Josie?" Rosalie was on a mission, for what I didn't know.

Josie tapped the side of her menu with her perfectly manicured nail, smirked, and leaned over to look at Rosalie.

"I've always been called Josie, just not in front of people, always behind closed doors. And Josephine is my middle name," she replied, staring at me as she spoke the "closed doors" part of the sentence.

Rosalie tapped her chin, tongued the inside of her cheek and huffed, finding humor in the situation.

"Since the last time we saw you, what you have been doing?" Alice chimed in, resting her clasped hands under her jaw.

"Not much, honestly. Just going to work and school," Josie answered as if bored with the question, flipping her hair over her shoulder and shrugging them.

Alice snorted as she heard Rosalie mutter something under her breath. Seconds later, my phone vibrated in my purse. I pulled it out and saw it was from Frosty, saying, "The cunt must have majored in being a whore."

A laughing cough tore through me. Cullen looked over at me with a quirked eyebrow. Josie rolled her eyes. I quickly dropped my phone back in my purse.

"Everyone, I'm back," Carmen announced as she walked in carrying a tray with our drinks.

Once she placed my water in front of me, I started guzzling the cold liquid, not realizing how parched I had been. Carmen had begun taking orders for appetizers and entrees; I hadn't once looked at what was on the menu. At first glance, I didn't recognize any of it, until I saw a Caesar salad, either with shrimp or chicken. Scanning the entrees, and like the appetizers, nothing was familiar. Finally, when I reached the bottom I saw "Steak and Frites," otherwise known as steak and French fries. My order would be chicken Caesar salad, steak, and fries. How…ordinary.

Esme, Rosalie, and Alice got the shrimp Caesar salad and the organic young chicken that came with okra risotto, gold beets, and asparagus. Carlisle ordered duck and shrimp that consisted of duck confit, white shrimp, wild mushroom grits, and a cabernet reduction. Emmett, Jasper, and Jake ordered the beef short rib that had roasted corn whipped potatoes, carrots, and asparagus. Embry and Paul had the pork tenderloin. Our end of the table was last.

When I told Carmen that I wanted the chicken Caesar salad and the steak and fries, Josie burst out laughing. Cullen looked over at her snarling, which only made her quiet down to a low chuckle. He ordered the goat cheese tart and Angus beef tenderloin, while Josie ordered the Maryland crab salad and Tasmanian Ocean trout.

Carmen collected our menus and kindly told us our orders would be out shortly. After she left, I placed my napkin in my lap, preparing for my meal. Clinking and shuffling of ice in a glass echoed across from me. I looked up to see Josie eye-fucking Cullen as she sipped her vodka, sucking on the ice cube as it sat on the edge of the glass and swirling her tongue around the cold, frozen liquid. Cullen shifted in his chair, biting his bottom lip. I had to turn away, focus on something else.

So, I decided to take in the room.

The walls were the same champagne colored Venetian plaster as the rest of the place. Two paintings hung on the same side of the room, separated by a column, showed bowls of fruit- a different fruit in each one. We sat in plush, wing backed, ivory leather dining chairs that were complemented by a taupe colored marble table. The same beautiful lace curtains covered the window behind Cullen, showing a beautiful, summer sunset- the sky burning with deep gold and orange, offset by wisps of clouds.

Black place mats sat before us, holding our drinking glasses and silverware, and soon our food. My perusal of the room didn't last long, but long enough to escape the game that the other two were playing, which had ended by the time I was done. My mouth still felt like there was cotton stuffed down my throat. Not all the water in my glass had quenched my thirst. I had horrible cottonmouth.

Carmen placed my salad in front of me, and I found myself not hungry. She refilled my water, moving on to refill a few glasses of wine. I picked up the salad fork, poked at the pieces of grilled chicken, and ignored the small tub of dressing sitting beside the bowl.

I paced myself with the salad. Feeling my emotions calm down, they slowly became replaced with the feeling of love. Love for the salad, my water, friendly love for Jasper next to me, and the conversation he was having with Alice. I was still riding the coke high.

During the course of the meal, I had settled into a conversation with Alice and Jasper- ignoring Cullen and Josie, even though, I felt his foot graze my leg. Briefly, I played footsy back.

The steak was phenomenal, and the fries were just normal French fries, nothing fancy about them. By the time I finished my dinner and waited for dessert, I had to use the restroom. When I got up to go, Cullen cleared his throat, wanting to get my attention. I saw him carefully slide his hand in his right pocket of his jeans and pull out a baggie of powder. He motioned for me to kiss him. As I did so, he slipped the baggie in my hand, closing my fingers around it. After the kiss, he tapped the end of my nose and smiled crookedly.

On my way back from the restroom, my eyes wandered and stared at the chandeliers, watching their twinkle. Even the wall sconces twinkled. It wasn't until then that I realized that my high from the last bump had faded away measurably. I floated along with a "love" for everything. I needed to talk to everyone. I needed Cullen to hold my hand and give no attention to Josie. I wanted to go watch girlie Rom-Coms with Alice while we lay in that big bed in the suite, eating a huge bowl of fattening popcorn. I wanted to call my father and ask him why he had kept me so damn sheltered and why there hadn't been any trace of my mother.

When I entered the dining room, Cullen was opening presents and everyone else was enjoying desserts. As I was nearing Carlisle, I slowed my pace, bent down, and gave a chaste peck on his cheek, thanking him for giving me this opportunity. As I drew up, I saw the odd expression playing on his face and the side-glance he gave Esme. He knew and she knew, but I didn't care.

Passing the others, I saw everyone was eating cheesecake doused in cherries. My piece was the size of my hand, way too big. Jasper stood up and pulled my chair out for me, letting me pull it back in as I sat down. Cullen was opening Alice's gifts, as I noted the colorful balloon gift bag. He pulled out two new pairs of jean, two t-shirts from his favorite bands, and a new black belt. He thanked Jasper and her, and placed the clothing back in the bag.

"Shithead, you're eating my gift," Rosalie sarcastically quipped.

"Well thanks, frigid bitch," Cullen retorted back.

Jasper, Emmett, and the three other guys said their gift to him was the bar tab tonight at the club. That made him grin wider than I had ever seen him do. He lifted up another bag, looked at the tag, and looked at Esme, smiling. Inside the bag were strings for his new guitar, and guitar picks a different color from mine. These were dark green. Carlisle told him the bigger gift would wait for tomorrow. There was one last bag; I knew it was hers.

Her fucking gift was an eight by ten from photo of them, embraced and staring at each other, smiling. The only reason I knew that was because I saw it when he pulled it out. Cullen poked the inside of his cheek, looked over at Josie, who was smiling like the cat who ate the canary, and tipped the frame towards her.

"Don't you like it?" she sweetly asked, batting her lashes and smiling as she blushed.

Cullen waited a few seconds. We all sat still and eerily quiet, waiting. His sudden movement made most of jump as he slammed the frame back in the bag, seething as he did it.

"What did you hope to accomplish by giving me that? You know your place in my life. This…gift isn't going to change anything," he said, breathing heavily and gripping the edge of the table until his knuckles were white.

Josie sat stupefied, unsure of what to do or say. I have to say, I relished in the moment. I loved watching her squirm, being reprimanded by the person she wanted, craved. It was then that Carmen strolled through, stopping as she noticed the strained silence. Esme saw that she had come back in, so she motioned Carmen over to speak with her.

"Oh sure, Mrs. Cullen. It wouldn't be a problem," Carmen answered, pleasantly smiling. She walked over to Cullen, grabbed the gift bag that held Josie's gift, and then began removing the empty dishes.

She removed the dessert plates, empty pie pan, and the offending bag. Nearing Carlisle, she balanced the dishes on her arm, gave him the check, and told him to let her know when he's ready. He already had his credit card out; she took the binder back with her.

Esme stood up, tucked in her chair, and walked over to her son. Conversation among the others had resumed. I sat numbly in my chair, watching Josie try not to cry, even though it was plain to see she was embarrassed…or maybe hurt or both. Esme leaned down next to Cullen.

"Honey, I'm going to take the bags back up to my room. You can get them tomorrow. Is that okay?" she asked as she combed her fingers through his hair, trying to calm him.

Cullen nodded, resting his chin in nook of his thumb and index finger as his elbow rested on the table. She took the bags, stopped to tell Carlisle where she was going, and left the room. Carmen came back with Carlisle's credit card and after dinner mints, depositing one in front each person. She told us to have a good night and "happy birthday" to Cullen. He tightly smiled and waved her away, dismissing her.

Alice felt the tension like we all did.

"Everyone, why don't we leave here and go get into the Hummer limo? It's right out front, go through the main entrance," she gleefully chirped, clasping her hands and brightly smiling.

Being one of the first to get up and leave, I couldn't help the smile plastered across my face and wasn't bothered when I felt someone graze my naked arm. Rosalie towered over me as we walked side by side.

"You're high as a fucking kite again. I don't blame you. Tonight has felt like a goddamn bipolar-coaster. I can't keep up. Thankfully, we're going to the Masquerade. We can all get fucked up, listen to some good bands, and party. I'm excited to see what happens after we leave, though. Cullen's birthday celebrations are never without some kind of sexual debauchery," she rattled off, grinning like a Cheshire cat.

I felt that same sickening flip-flop in my belly, but this time, it was mixed with a tinge of excitement. For as much as I was nervous, a large part of me found all of this exhilarating. It felt as though my moral being was in a tug-o-war: sheltered side wanted to run and hide, but the curious side wanted to explore, discover my likes and dislikes, the desired and the undesired.

"What are you thinking about, little Polly Anna?" Rosalie whispered, nudging my arm as we waited outside for the others.

I bit my finger between my teeth, smiling mischievously at her.

"Whatever society deems taboo, I want to drown in it- anything and everything," I huskily answered.

Her perfectly sculpted eyebrow raised in surprise. Her eyes widened as her mouth opened and closed, not knowing what to say. After a few seconds, she regained her composure, cleared her throat, and imitated flattening the bottom of her dress.

"Well, that was unexpected. I see Mr. Masen has already corrupted you, even though I don't think he knows how much," Rosalie replied, looking off into the distance, her voice holding no emotion.

Before I could say anything, an arm forcefully pulled me, making me collide with a firm body behind me. Hot breath wisped down my neck as soft lips trailed up to my ear.

"There's my girl, my _only_ girl."

Cullen possessively wrapped both arms around me.

"Okay, you two. Stop please," Carlisle kindly reprimanded, patting his son on the shoulder.

The long, stretch, black Hummer limo pulled up in front of us, stopping right at Cullen and me. Once stopped, a portly Hispanic man who called himself Niall, got out and ambled over to the door. He shook all of our hands before we entered. Cullen let me in first, holding my hand as I entered. Ducking my head, I slowly made my way to the back.

Esme and Carlisle were the last ones in. Josie, somehow, wound up on the other side of Cullen, resting her hand on top his thigh. His arm was around my shoulders as his other hand played with the mesh lining at the bottom of my dress. He leaned in, whispering.

"I don't think I've told you how sexy and rock'n'roll you look tonight in that dress. If there weren't other people in here, I would get down on my knees and bury my face underneath the skirting of your dress, right between your legs."

Clenching my thighs, I breathed raggedly and closed my eyes. Images of him down below, up under the skirt of my dress, finding nothing obstructing his tongue's path. I gulped back air but only wound up slightly choking.

"Be careful with your thoughts, my pretty girl," he cooed. His voice was decadent, like dark silk sheets on smooth, bare bodies or ribbons of dark chocolate streaming down white, porcelain skin.

I looked up at him in mild shock.

"Yes, my pretty girl, I know what you were thinking about. The thoughts and images…they entice me," he sighed against my neck. His breath felt like melted candle wax trailing down the delicate skin of my neck.

Cullen kissed my cheek and then turned his attention to whatever conversation his band was having. Esme, Alice, and Frosty were in a detailed discussion about the latest trends in fashion. Carlisle played on his phone, and Josie sat tucked into Cullen's side, trying to listen in on the other women. I knew if I went and sat next to them, I would be included, but she wouldn't. In that moment, it dawned on me that I was in the exact same environment that Josie was in a year or so ago. And I found myself feeling a small amount of sympathy for her. She probably thought she was coming back to what they had, but found out that I'm a little more than just another notch in his belt.

The moment was fleeting, erased instantly when I saw her hand creeping his up thigh. Cullen wasn't paying any attention as his band held his attention. Her hand froze before it got higher as it made contact with my leg that I crossed over into his lap. When she snapped her face up to mine, blue meeting brown, she found no expression. My leg across his lap was enough of a signal. His hand kneaded the soft skin on my outer thigh, moving up towards my hip.

Josie resolved her situation by moving back in her seat and airily grazing her knee with his. When I looked up, I found Cullen staring down at me, playfully smiling. Minutes later, he realized I wasn't going to explain myself, so he half-heartedly laugh, running his fingers higher up my leg.

"So, tell me about this club we're going to?" I asked him, tired of sitting in silence.

"Um…I think it used to be a mill at the turn of the century. It's old as hell, but a cool place to perform," he answered back, pinching his forehead in concentration.

"I believe there's three floors-Hell, Purgatory, and Heaven. Your main acts perform in the Heaven room. It's a stone building. When you walk in, the floor is concrete. However, the walls are stone and the staircases and railings are wood as is the flooring in the Heaven room. I like it."

I nodded. The building sounded interesting, and I couldn't wait to see it as it sounded historical. The limo came to stop. Alice looked out the window.

"We're here, guys and girls. The real fun begins," she wickedly smiled, rubbing her hands together.

"You ready?" Cullen asked, quirking an eyebrow.

"As ready as I'll ever be," I responded.

Everyone filed out when Niall opened the door. Cullen escorted us to the door, letting me out first. Josie was before me, getting help from Embry, which she unhappily took. Once birthday boy was out, a bodyguard met us, and escorted us up a flight of stairs that were on the side of the building that lead to a metal door, which opened up to a huge room. It must've been the Heaven room.

Once inside, there was a swell of people listening to some band, whose music I had never heard. The bodyguard told Cullen happy birthday and went back to work. We made our way to the bar; I could see Cullen's eyes glaze over. This was the beginning of the end.

During the course of the night, fueled by gallons of booze and drugs, Cullen kept Josie and me close at hand. Neither of us strayed too far. I sucked screwdrivers all night as Josie stuck with her vodka on the rocks. We left the Heaven room and made our way down to Purgatory, where we stayed.

Once the bands had finished playing, the members wound up amongst our group. They were friends with Cullen and his band. And they brought along their girlfriends and wives. I didn't know any of the bands. A couple of the guys knew Josie, but they weren't exactly thrilled to see her. They all accepted me by buying me a round of Jaeger shots.

Most of the wives and girlfriends were normal looking like me; except they were a bit more…it was something I couldn't put my finger on. Only a few were actually nice to me and really wanted to have a conversation with me. The others mainly talked to Alice, Esme, or Frosty.

Cullen let me slip away a few times to mingle with the other girls; Josie never once left his side. We all snorted line after line after line of coke. Everyone was talkative, happy, and energetic. The amazingly, lovely energy was freely flowing around all of us.

An hour before the club closed, Emmett got the _great_ idea for everyone to go back to Cullen's suite to continue the party. Cullen yelled a "fuck yeah" and bumped fists with his brother. By that point, I was exhausted.

Somehow, everyone fit in the Hummer limo. There had to have been twenty-five people in the group now. I leaned my head onto Cullen's arm, desperately trying to stay awake. Everyone in my field of vision clustered together, blending into one being. My eyes were drooping, and my system was crashing. I felt a nudge on my arm.

I managed to raise my head and looked over to see who it was. One of the guys from the other band was offering me two, little white lines on a compact mirror. In the haze, I couldn't decide if I really wanted it, but took the rolled up dollar bill and snorted.

In mere moments, I was no longer crashing. I felt vibrant…and I wanted sex-lots of it….with Cullen. I crawled into his lap, grinding my crotch into his jeans, feeling him already hard. Everyone in the limo faded away. All I knew in that moment was his hands, his lips, and his cock.

"Bella…oh my god!" I heard someone scream. I didn't let it stop me, I wanted sex. But he stopped it, saying not here. A whining moan slipped through my lips, I sagged against him in defeat.

"Bella, I promise, we'll fuck," he crooned into my ear, kissing my jaw.

I nodded and slid back into the space next to him.

We were a raucous bunch walking through the lobby of the hotel. The front desk people sneered and told us to quiet down. Several people snickered and coughed, trying to pipe down.

On the ride up in the elevator, I sucked on Cullen's neck as Josie kissed his lips, both of our hands roamed over his body. I looked out the corner of my eye in the middle of our making out, and saw several of the other people were doing the same thing. Jasper had Alice wrapped around his waist. Emmett had Rosalie pinned up against the wall of the elevator, her leg hitched around him.

The other guys and their wives and girlfriends were tangled in amongst us. When the elevator chimed at its arrival at our floor, we loosely disentangled ourselves, long enough for me to open the door to the suite. Once inside, everything became a blur.

Alcohol flowed, more lined were snorted, some things were smoked, and music thumped throughout the building. In the jungle of drugs, booze, and bodies, I managed to stay beside Cullen; Josie was strangely nowhere in sight. But another girl had implanted herself next to us. I think it was the girlfriend of one of the other band guys.

Dancing and laughing turned into some of the girls stripping. Thankfully, by that point, Esme and Carlisle had left, saying they wanted their own private party. Rosalie and Alice joined the other girls in getting naked- I did not. With judgment impaired, other men were roving their hands over Rosalie and Alice and Emmett and Jasper were touching the other girls. Cullen was kissing the other girl while running his finger up my inner thigh.

Time slowed down; we all lost concept of it. I had never experienced such an escape from my inhibitions. The inexperienced side of me wanted to run while other part lavished in the decadent atmosphere. Cullen, the other girl, and I found ourselves on the main bed of the suite. We were naked, manipulating each other's body. Other couples had started fucking already; some were in our room. I watched Jasper bend Alice over at the end of our bed, her face planted in the mattress as he fucked her from behind.

Emmett slammed Rosalie into the wall, her legs resting on his shoulders as his face was buried in between. Her head rolled back as she moaned. I felt Cullen slip into me, stretching me. He slipped in and out, building to a faster pace. I turned my head to the side and saw his hand was fingering the other girl. Her body was bowed back, howls of pleasure blending with the other noises of sex.

There twisted bodies and limbs everywhere. A few heads bobbed up and down, orally pleasing another body. Everything was sensory overload. A fingertip covered in white powder was placed under my nose; I snorted and was sent soaring into another orbit.

Looking down, I saw Cullen moving in and out, slamming into me. I felt the ripples and the pressure- I was close to coming. He felt it also and started stimulating my clit. My body crashed into his. My hand clawing at his body, I dug my feet into the bed and craned my head into the pillow. In the middle of the orgasm, I was exhilarated. I loved every experience tonight as the other part of me warred against the other. For everything that he pushed me to experience, I loved him for it, but I also hated him for it. What would the morning bring?

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Please review. Thanks in advance.


	20. Chapter 19 Guilty

**A/N: Thank you for sticking with this story. Took less time to update. For who have been wanting Bella to grow a backbone, this chapter's for you.**

Here is my current reading list:

Paper Cutouts by twistedcoincidence

The Gentleman From Washington State by Betty Smith

Full Disclosure by Betty Smith

Little Fish, Big Fish by Michelle M. Marie and Paige Parkker

**And big thank you's to my beta adt216 and pre-reader acinad816**

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Chapter 19

"_I feel guilty  
My words are empty._

_You say I'm heartless  
And you say I don't care._

_Guilty...Guilty, I feel so empty..." Guilty, The Rasmus_

B.

Sunlight and a warm breeze woke me from what felt like a coma- a chemical, debauchery induced coma. Sounds of car horns and cars driving by made the little drums in my head pound harder. I tried raising my head to look at the bedside clock to check the time, but the simple act was too much. My body was lifeless, with no energy and felt like a dead weight.

The balcony doors were open, sheer curtains billowed out, and I noticed then that the room was void of other human beings. It seemed as if the previous night was erased, like it all was a bad dream. And confusion dominated, resonated.

The same fucking tug-o-war warred on- the war between being a good little girl and living my life. There was no going back to my former self. In little under a month, I'd seen and done more than I ever had before. That person, that girl was alien…unnoticeable. But who was I now?

I could've easily told Cullen no, that I didn't want to do any of the experimenting, but I did and enjoyed most of it. What pissed me off was Cullen not talking to me about any of the shit he wanted for his birthday. I told him if he was going to do anything like that, he just had to tell me.

I just wanted honesty from him. I had no idea who Josie/Tanya was and now knowing who she was…had been, I wouldn't have gone through with it- not with his ex. And it hit me, that was why he didn't tell me. I was his present and she was his past. It felt as if he was seeing which of us "fit" into his life. He was comparing us. I rolled over to my stomach and buried my head underneath the pillow.

As much as I wanted to lie in bed, my bladder had other intentions. I crawled out from under the sheets and stumbled to the bathroom, stubbing my baby toe on the doorjamb. Hobbling to the toilet, I sat down in barely enough time. After inspecting my toe, I glanced into the wastebasket and saw a used syringe with a dark gold liquid stuck to its barreled body. It didn't matter what girl was in his life; we were no competition for _her._

Everyone would always be second place to him. Question was how much longer could any of us handle being second place?

Snorting coke had to stop. It felt good in the moment but made you feel like shit afterwards. And I could do without it. I sat on the toilet for several minutes, laughing internally to myself. Something had to change.

I still had to give Cullen the gifts from me. I took care of business in the bathroom, brushed my teeth before leaving, put a t-shirt and panties on, and walked the ten miles from the bedroom to the front door, where I left the presents.

Upon the sight of them, anger ripped through me, making my hands ball into fists. Why did he deserve them? I wanted to return them and get my money back, but being who I was, I couldn't do it. They would be the last things he would ever get from me.

I found him sitting on a chaise lounge on the balcony that was off the living room, sitting in the sun smoking and typing on his laptop with his new guitar, the one his parents had given him as their birthday present to him, laying next to his leg. Seeing him smoke was another puzzle to this complicated man.

Cullen sensed me behind him and motioned for me to sit at the end by his bare feet.

"Hey," I said as I looked into the living room beyond his head, knowing my voice held no emotion.

I dropped the bag onto his lap while mumbling they were his gifts from me. I played with a frayed string at the leg of his jeans as he pulled out my gifts. The bag crinkling from his movement inside it seemed louder, and my thoughts whirled around like a never-ending hurricane. The touch of his hand startled me; I didn't know that I had detached myself as quickly as I had. This wasn't good. Nothing good would come of this.

"Bella…did you hear me? I said these are fucking awesome. I needed more comp books and picks. And the song books you picked are great. There's some songs in them that I don't know how to play," he said as he shook my hand, trying to get my eyes to meet his.

When I did meet his, I wanted to cry. I didn't need him to show me pure honesty and gratitude in them. It would make everything harder. I closed my eyes and bit my lip, nodding my head.

After a few moments, I found the nerve to open my eyes and look at him. Cullen's eyebrows were furrowed with confusion, and his mouth was set in a firm line as he stubbed out his cigarette. He knew something wasn't right.

"I'm happy you like them. I didn't know what else to get you."

In the calmness of the morning after, after the previous chaotic night, us being the only people around seemed unworldly. Seconds ticked on before I spoke and when I did, the words were a whisper.

"Where is everyone? It's eerily quiet."

Cullen cleared his throat and set aside his computer and guitar, crossed his legs to give us more room on the chaise, and I lost the little frayed string. The heat from the hot, Georgia sun was already beading sweat on my skin. What I had to do made my muscles tense, generating more heat. My hair hung limply down my back, joining the things that were making me uncomfortably hot.

With nothing to distract my fingers, they laid loosely on the chair cushion as I looked down at them. He tapped the top of my hand to get my attention. Upon looking at him, I saw a twinge of pain streak across his face before quickly regaining the smooth, handsome, chiseled face.

Before answering my question, he cleared his throat and swallowed.

"Everyone left before the sun came up, and my parents escorted…_her_ back to the airport early this morning. But not before reaming me a new asshole," he answered, his voice barely audible.

Seeing and hearing him not being able to speak her name made my guts twist tighter. This hurt, but along side the pain was anger. I knew he wasn't going to be perfect, but I told him weeks ago, the morning after his Golden Girl breakdown, that if he was going to "play" to tell me and to not flaunt it. The day before, he broke his promises and made me look like a fool. Unfortunately, I also was battling the anger and the hurt with the excitement of experimenting.

I sighed and removed my hand from his fingertips. Pinching the bridge of my nose, I tried gathering my thoughts. Cullen spoke before I could.

"Bella, I feel as if the foundation is about to come crumbling down around us."

My lips quivered as I rested my elbows on my knees and clasped my fingers together, resting my chin on top of the connected fingers. I inhaled deeply and blew it slowly.

"Cullen, a while ago I told you if you weren't able to stay true to me, to at least tell me and to not flaunt it in front me. Yesterday and last night, you blew everything out the water. I looked like a fool in front of your family and friends."

My voice sounded as if it wasn't my own. It sounded muffled and strangely calm, even though there was a tumultuous ocean raging in my head and heart. Cullen looked down and started playing with the lone frayed string that had been my security blanket.

"Why did you want a threesome with your ex-girlfriend and me? Were you comparing us? Because I'll be honest, that's what it felt like to me. It felt as if you were deciding who was better and which of us you really wanted. That's not good for a girl's self esteem."

He didn't say anything. I waited several minutes, during which I changed positions from sitting cross-legged to straddling the chair. The longer we sat there motionless and silent, the day passed on and became hotter. At that point, rivulets of sweat ran down the side of my face, under my breasts, and down my back since my back faced the sun. A barely there breeze blew between me and him, ruffling the stray sprigs of his hair and blowing a long piece across my face.

Still he said nothing, making the tension escalate. And what had been an angry ocean was rapidly becoming a tsunami. The longer nothing came from his mouth, the more violent I felt my anger becoming, ready to detonate at any second.

When I could no longer take the expansive silence and tension, I lurched forward and grabbed his face, pulling his eyes up to mine. I felt my breath quickly and forcefully filling the small space between us - I was seething. I felt my back teeth clenching and grinding; I felt my nostrils flare, and my eyes widen.

"You're such a fucking coward. You strut around acting like the alpha male you pretend to be. But when confronted by me in private, you don't have shit to say. You have no words to explain to me why you did what you did. You're fucking heartless, and you don't give a fuck about any one but yourself and…"

I trailed off my last sentence, unable to speak of his main mistress. As I stared into his face, the planes and lines remained the unchanged, beautiful, stony alabaster. There wasn't any watering of his eyes or a quivering of his lip. There was nothing. It was as if he was catatonic.

His silence angered me further. His face shook in my hands as my arms and body began to shake from the pent up rage. My fingertips melded into the skin of his face, hoping to leave their indentions, knowing they would only leave red circles or maybe slight bruises. As I pressed as hard as I could, he still remained expressionless, and I dug so deep that everything in my hands and arms began to burn.

I wanted to scream, wanted my pain to leave my body and shift into his. When my fingers could no longer handle the pressure, they shoved his face away, causing his head to slam into the back of the chaise. Still the only response I got was nothing.

I jumped onto him, straddled his waist, and pressed my nose against his. My arms stretched out behind him to support myself. I aimed for the cushion but landed in his hair with my hands full of it, yanking as hard as I could. Not once did he wince, and it made my ocean of rage slam into me harder.

Shrill noises ripped from my throat as I balled my fists tighter around his hair and slammed his head into the chaise cushion. I continued pulling, slamming, and screaming, but still got no response. When my screams turned into body-shaking sobs, I quit and sagged into him.

I stayed against him in the hot midday sun, sweating and crying. He offered no comforting rub on my back or a stroke in my hair. He remained a statue. All my efforts were futile, so finally, I picked myself up off him and stood up. I didn't bother wiping my eyes. I let the hot liquid run over my heated skin.

He stared straight ahead, looking into nothing over the balcony. In that moment I felt nothing, but something told me to hurt him one last time. I bent down, yanked his face up, and slammed my fist as hard as I could into any area it went. I lost count of how many times I punched him, but when I finally stopped, his lip was bleeding and swollen and his nose had a trickle of blood running out.

I leaned down to ear and whispered the final words I had to say to him.

"I'm done with you. I will stay to finish out my contract, but I will _not_ touch you, look at you, or speak to you. I will go back to my place on the couch in the front of the bus, and you _will_ stay in your bunk. If I _have _to be in the same vicinity as you, it will be as if I don't know you or see you."

Before I parted, I slapped his face, leaving my red handprint on his bruised skin.

C.

She's gone. I had no one to blame but myself. And I deserved the beating she gave me. It surprised me that she lasted as long as she did with me. I desecrated her. I violated her. I _hurt_ her.

During her…purging of her soul, I remained silent, as I knew she needed to release the anger, the hurt, and the betrayal that had built up. I knew I was the cause of a good portion of her pain, but there was also underlying anger and pain from being so sheltered. But it was me that pushed her over the edge, even though I knew a part of her enjoyed the wild, unhinged experiences. I sensed a war raged inside of her, as I had my own war raging inside from demons I've tried running away from, but never seemed to escape.

There weren't any words I could say to offer peace; I knew she wouldn't hear them if I had any. I listened to her stomp around, throw objects, and slam doors. During her frenzy, I lit another cigarette, which was a vice I hardly ever did, but had picked it back up. My arms hung off my knees as I scrunched them into me and hung my head.

On each inhale, I felt the sting on the side of my face, but that paled in comparison to the raging inferno that was my scalp. The sting of my face and the fire of my scalp were just the beginning of my sentence. I raised my head and stared out into the blue sky, the sun baking my ghost-tinted skin. The loud, thunderous tattoo of her footsteps rang loudly throughout the suite. There was finality in the sound and steps.

Seconds later, she slammed the last door, walking out on me…on us.

I laughed at myself. _Was there ever an US?_ I knew I would never be able to keep something so sweet and pure. I was poison.

As I inhaled and exhaled the cigarette smoke, I pondered Bella's question about if I invited Josie here to compare Bella and her. At the time, the thought never crossed my mind, and it never felt like I was comparing. I just wanted someone I could trust and who wasn't a cracked out whore to have a threesome with Bella and me. In my selfishness, I never once considered Bella's feelings. I only cared about what I wanted and to hell with anyone else.

I closed my eyes, blew out the last of the cigarette smoke, and snuffed out the butt. The sun was getting too fucking hot, so I gathered my new guitar, the gifts from Bella, and my cigarettes and went inside, closing the door behind me.

Leaning the guitar against the wall and placing everything else on the floor, I saw the rumpled bed sheets. Don't know why, but the sight of them made something inside of me clench then break. Hot liquid welled up in my eyes, and I dropped to my knees, my arms hitting the mattress and sheets.

I clasped my fingers as my head lowered against them. In my moments of body shaking sobbing, I saw all the terrible shit I did to her the past month she'd been with me flash from scene to scene like a filmstrip. Grouped in with the bullshit were the intimate moments, the tender moments. I wanted to hold on to those longer, scorch them into my brain, but like everything else, I wasn't that lucky and only the fucked up shit lingered. Bella's face morphed into my mother's a time or two, making me fist the sheets in agony.

My face was soaked, the sheets were soaked, and my hands and arms were soaked. I raised my head, wiped my face and nose with the top sheet, and crawled into the bed on Bella's side. Her scent heavily lingered, and I buried my face into the pillow. I wanted her scent on me as a staked claim. Amongst the sugar vanilla aroma, I smelled her sex. Every centimeter of the bed was drenched in her. As I took small comfort in the fragrances, small tears rolled down my face, dripping onto the pillow, as I eased into a deep sleep.

"C, wake up, man! Come on. We have sound check to do."

Whoever was speaking shook me hard, smashing my face further into the pillow, embedding her scent deeper into my olfactory senses. Her smiling face in my dream kept me from waking up, I needed that image, as I needed the image of her kissing me while her hands coasted along my body.

"Wake the fuck up, son!"

I knew that voice; it was my father. His face fluttered before as my eyelids rapidly moved back and forth when he yanked my head harshly up from the pillow. I felt something warm running out the side of my mouth- I must have been drooling.

"Son, get your ass moving. The band needs sound check, and we need to leave in the next twenty minutes."

He tossed my head back onto the pillow, which didn't stay there for long as I felt strong hands lift my sorry ass from the bed and stand me up. The same hands then slapped each side of my face, adding more blistering handprints.

"Bro, wake up from fantasy land," Emmett spoke, his voice loaded with booming authority.

As I shook my head to clear it from the haze of deep sleep, I was then brought back to reality, the reality that Bella left me. The realization of my pain caused by my own stupidity and selfishness crashed harder down on me, making me wince as if I was in physical pain. Before I left, I needed to numb…everything.

Running my hand through my hair, I gave the three of them my physical attention.

"How did y'all get in?" I asked.

My father held up the keycard, signifying that _she_ had given it to him.

I cleared my throat and said, "I see. So that must mean all of you know what went down?"

"No, son, she didn't say anything, but I know it wasn't pleasant since she came to my door crying and very angry. She said she wasn't leaving, that she'd uphold her contract. Just so you know, if she had walked out, I wouldn't have sought legal action. In actuality, she could get us in a dinosaur shit pile of legal trouble. Now go get your ass ready. We leave in ten."

While walking past my cousin and brother, both shook their heads and looked down at the floor. I grabbed whatever was accessible in my bag and closed the bathroom door behind me. After washing, brushing, and changing clothes, I sat down on the toilet seat lid and cooked up enough smack to numb. More would be done later.

Jasper waited for me in the bedroom, standing by the bathroom. His face showed nothing, but he knew I was fucked up. The warm velvet of Golden Girl coated my nerves.

"She's staying with us. I thought you would want to know."

I knew what the words were, but their meaning failed to come to me. The corner of my lips lazily smirked, and I gave him a thumbs up. His eyes tried deeply to penetrate mine, but they left his and flittered around, focusing everything and nothing.

When he knew he wasn't going to get any reaction from me, he hooked his elbow around the back of my neck and pushed me forward towards the main part of the suite. Emmett and Carlisle rolled their fucking eyes, saying _fuck_ under their breath upon the sight of me. I returned their actions with a grin and laughed.

Carlisle rubbed his eyes and pointed towards the door. Emmett took me from Jasper's neck hold by grabbing the back of my neck, hard, and escorting me out the door.

"Don't be a douche bag tonight. Not on your birthday," he growled in my ear.

Under the warm glow of the haze I was in, I surprised my father and the band by not fucking up and giving a damn good performance.

"If you do what you just did tonight, we'll rock this fucking place," Emmett said before throwing back a beer.

I chuckled lowly and brought my beer to my lips. While drinking the beer and standing at the microphone, Carlisle walked up and stood with his hands across his chest.

"Your mother wanted to stay and see the band tonight, but she left early so she wouldn't have to see another train wreck. She went to Alice and Jasper's room shortly after Bella dropped off the keycard. She said Bella was beyond angry with you; she downright hates you. And from the look of your face, I can see she beat the fuck out of you before leaving. Son, I don't know if you can get her back after the shit you pulled yesterday and to be honest, I don't think you deserve her."

Once his piece was said, he gave me a hard look, shook his head, and walked away. I knew I should care about what he said, but nothing registered. I was numb like I wanted to be. Jasper expelled smoke from his lips as he sat on a stool looking over at me.

"C, don't expect Alice to be…_nice_ to you. I don't know what all was said as Alice and her went into the bathroom to talk and frankly it's none of my business. Just wanted to let you know that."

I nodded, sipped my beer, and walked back out to the bus.

No one walked back to the lounge area of the bus in the few hours I was on there before the show. They all stayed up front if they came on. I started counting bottles of beer on the tabletop and snorted several lines of coke. The images on the TV blurred and compressed together, becoming swirls of vibrant colors. I watched in fascination.

I thought I had seen long brown hair scurry in front of my vision, but the person paid me no attention, treated me as if I was another fixture on the bus. Somewhere in the muck of my brain, something told me that should have bothered me, but I couldn't bring myself to care. That person was lost to me now.

Whenever show time came, Jake and John Paul yanked my ass from the booth and shoved me down the hallway and out the bus. Emmett's big ass hand was waiting for me when I stepped off, smacking me in the back of my head.

"Goddamn, shit for brains, someone fucked your pretty face all up," Rose sarcastically remarked.

Jake's voice came from behind me.

"That reconstruction is Bella's job."

Rosalie went wide-eyed and quirked an eyebrow.

"Fuck" was all that came out of her mouth.

"Enough of the chitchat, we have a show to do," Carlisle ordered, gripping my arm and dragging me towards the club.

All of us took our place at the side of the stage, waiting for the band to be announced. As I stood waiting with the others, my eyes roamed over the club. We had a full house, and most of the girls were just a piece of cloth away from being indecent. That should have been enticing, but I didn't give a fuck what they wore or what they were going to offer me.

Perusing the crowd brought my unsteady eyesight upon the image of Bella, Alice, and some dude that I didn't know. Whoever the fuck he was, his finger was stroking Bella's cheek while she was looking at him with her sweet eyes, and her cheeks were blushing. I felt my hands turn into fists.

I felt someone beside me, didn't know who, but I asked them who the guy was talking with Bella. They said he was a member of the opening band and that Bella had enjoyed their show. She had been front row. And, as we're about to go on, she didn't give a fuck. The shock of seeing them and hearing about her actions wrecking balled through the numbness, scorching my heart.

I clenched my eyes, held my fists at my side, and shook my head - trying to clear the image of her and him. Why the fuck did I care? In that moment, I wondered why I had broken down earlier. Why did it hurt?

On the announcement of the band, I walked on stage with my hand clutching my heart and furrowing forehead. I grabbed the mic with my other hand and counted out the beats until it was time for the lyrics to start. My hopes for performing numb were shattered. I was on the stage singing with every nerve exposed.

I took my hand from my heart and gripped the mic with both hands, ripping the words from my throat. I saw glimpses of them, and she wasn't even watching the stage, neither was Alice. The guy was slowly stroking her neck as she wore a low cut top with thin straps and skirt that looked more like a belt. I tried tearing my eyes away, but I couldn't. Even when the lights were bright in my eyes, I kept them in the general direction.

During the middle of the show, I stopped caring about it and started to care more about how many beers I could ingest. The words became slurred. I closed my eyes to steady myself, but was terrorized with the mental image of her and that guy. Open or closed, my eyes couldn't escape them. I heard Emmett and Jasper yell in my ear to get back on track and stop fucking up, I didn't give a fuck.

When we were done, the crowd screamed about what a piece of shit the show was, and the guys in the band walked past me without saying anything or looking at me. I walked off stage and walked to a corner, slumping down to the floor. Someone palmed me a beer. I leaned my head against the wall, nursing the beer and feeling shitty in general.

The longer I sat there, the more I became pissed at myself for fucking up the show. I shouldn't have let the sight of her and another guy fuck with my head. She was just a small bump in the road of my life, but touring and performing was my job and life. I knew the moment I thought that, that it was bullshit. She was a five car pile up that had forever altered my world.

Three loud voices broke through my internal ass kicking as they approached the area where I was. It was Alice, Bella, and that dude. He had his arm around her neck, pulling her in for a kiss on the cheek. I slammed the beer bottle down the floor and shot up from sitting.

I stalked over to them and slapped the guy in the face to get his attention and then punched him. Both girls screamed and tried pulling me off him. Several arms enclosed around me, yanking and pulling me away, and turning me away from the guy. I came eye to eye with Bella. No love showed on her face. Anger marred her perfect features as tears welled up in her eyes.

"Leave me alone…" she choked through her tears. I felt my stomach drop at her words. Nothing made sense to me anymore and all that did was Golden Girl, who I craved more than any being in that moment. I wanted shit to make sense and then I didn't. If nothing else, I wanted _her_ to make sense.

As I was dragged away, I was tortured with the sight of Alice clutching Bella as she stared back at me with abhor crashing high in her eyes. Guilt ate away at my insides as Bella became farther away. I hate what I did to her.


	21. Chapter 20 Haunted

**AN: **Chapter is short but was tough to pull together. It's a short chapter but I couldn't pull anymore out. Went on vacation which was the cause of the hiatus.

Thanks to my beta adt216.

* * *

Chapter 20

"_A swollen sun melting at the horizon,_

_Between the sheets I wait for her to come.  
A living flame, impossible to resist,  
Burning me deep with every bite, kiss and lick.  
Oh I'm haunted  
Oh I'm haunted  
Oh I'm haunted (by her).  
Invades my sleep with tumescent intentions,  
Hades I'm sure must be missing a demon  
I hate the morning  
I hate the morning.  
From the panes a green mist swirls  
Is it a shadow of reflection?  
This apparition in moonbeams bathed  
A voice like wind through trees beckons.  
Cool rain on hot summer stone  
The odor fills my presence,  
Of freshly dug grave and death and night  
These things are her essence.  
Nocturnal mistress, spirit lover,  
your mouth of wine and wood smoke taste  
My goddess of the violet twilight_

_You are lust incarnate.  
In the sweat of my bed  
The eastern sky hints of dawning,  
Alone and awake but exhausted I lie_

_Oh how I hate the morning." – Haunted, Type O Negative_

C.

The disaster that had been my birthday weekend faded into the far recesses of my mind, yet it lay just beneath my skin. Every sensory stimulant played mutedly in the murky background of my ears and mind. I wanted nothing- hearing, seeing, or feeling.

Comfort came in the form of naught. Wanting nothing and getting nothing were very different entities. All I had was pain. It was my companion in sleep, on stage, while pissing, while sliding the needle into a vein, and didn't fade when Golden Girl wrapped herself around me.

The few cities we'd gone to after Atlanta had all been a big blur. I didn't find out where we were at until two seconds before I got on stage. It had been almost a week since Atlanta and _she_ hadn't said anything or looked at me. No one said much of anything to me.

Josie sent me an email on Facebook telling me she was done and to not bother her anymore. That was fine; I couldn't give a shit less about her. The girl I did care for wouldn't have shit to do with me.

At night, I lay in my bunk, curled in on my side, and gripped the sheets where she used to lay. In those moments, my heart felt as if a vice had wrapped around it, squeezing out every ounce of agony it could bestow. There was no reprieve in sleep as my dreams were riddled with her, be they good or bad.

My innards twisted and snarled as if they were an octopus trying to reach into my soul and turn me inside out. In the daylight hours, I stayed in the lounge area watching TV, or at least pretending to. One day Alice questioned me as to why I was watching "What Not to Wear" on TLC. I answered her by shrugging my shoulders, staring at nothing beyond her head. My company most days was either Snow White or Golden Girl, sometimes both at the same time.

No matter what substance I put in me, it didn't take away the pain. Sometimes, they heightened the emotion. Nothing I did remedied the situation. I would curl up, straighten out on my back, lie on my stomach, stand up, walk around, but nothing; I mean nothing took the twisting, stabbing, aching hell away.

One night, I forgot which night, when I was more drunk than stoned, I stumbled out of my bunk and wandered up to the front. It felt like some force was pulling me to her. A small, dim overhead light shone above her and she laid there with an open book pressed flat against her chest as her face was tilted towards her shoulder. She looked peaceful in her sleep, even with a thick strand of hair sweeping across her face.

I kneeled down, rested my elbow on my knee, and stroked the top of her hand. I worried that my touch would wake her and she would cause a scene, but she was deep in slumber. After a few minutes of resting my hand on hers, I moved it to the strand of hair and moved it back off her face. As I sat and stared at her perfect, white, porcelain skin, I silently wept. I did nothing to staunch the flow nor did I wipe them away.

My throat, heart, and guts tightened and a new blaze of acid shot through me. It tore me apart knowing the kind of pain I caused her. My bottom lip trembled as I lowered my head and rested it on her belly. In my gentle weeping, I silently begged for her forgiveness. I know…I know I did not deserve it, but god help me I wanted it.

I stayed kneeling down for what seemed like an eternity, ignoring the pain my joints screamed at me. I earned whatever pain that was placed upon me. After my muscles begin to shake, I knew it was time to move. I leaned over before I got up and placed a soft, delicate kiss on her lips and her forehead. I took one last look at her sleeping form, turned off the light, and walked back to the lounge.

I drank my weight in Heinekens and snorted enough coke to rip apart my sinus cavity. In the morning, Jake found me face down in the white powder residue. He picked my head and upper body up and flung me to my side. In the haze of my stupor, I heard the ting of the mirror hitting the glass of the beer bottles in the trash can. He and Emmett hauled my weightless ass up into my bunk, murmuring they didn't want Carlisle or the girls to see me this way. I didn't care.

Bella stayed true to her word and moved herself back out to the sofa that she had claimed when she first came to us. It wasn't like I didn't think she would keep her word, but I had hoped for a small miracle that she wouldn't. Sleeping alone in my bunk after weeks of having her soft, warm body next to me was the first time loneliness fully weighed down upon me.

Images of our bodies entwined and the sounds we caused each other to make haunted my dreams when I slept and my thoughts when I was awake. Several times, I tried jerking off to alleviate the stress of the memories, but it wasn't my salvation. In actuality, I longed for those dreams each night when I laid my head on my pillow. In the dreams, she was still with me, wanting me to touch her, kiss her, and hold her close to my body. Even though I welcomed them, the dreams added to the ache that never ended, all the while I wished I wouldn't wake up.

In the early morning hours, I would wake up covered in sweat- the sheets and blanket soaked. Memories of her body dancing above mine or down on her knees worshipping me gutted me, as she was lust incarnate. She drained me of everything that I was. When I came fully to from the haze of lust induced dreams, I was slammed with reality as my ghostly apparition that haunted me had never been there, leaving me with cold, wet sheets.

One night after a show in Charlotte, North Carolina, I was sitting on the other side of the bus in front drinking a beer and reading emails. I sat in nothing but boxer briefs as I tried to cool down from the show and from the intensity of the heat and the humidity. A couple of those Army guys that we had seen back in Georgia sent me a few emails on Facebook. They were cool guys.

During the middle of sending emails back and forth, Bella came up front from the lounge wearing nothing but tiny, white shorts and a pale blue tank top. Her long, smooth, pale legs stretched on forever. Her hair was damp and pulled back and her skin on her face was pink and dewy. With so much skin showing, the aching feeling of a hard dick filled my boxer briefs. I thanked my laptop for the coverage.

The ache of wanting whirled through my head and body. She sat down on the other sofa, getting her laptop ready, and placed her bottle of Dr. Pepper on the floor. Her fingers clicked a few keys before she was smiling at something on the screen. Quickly, the sexual want subsided as the constant companion of pain flared to its full height.

I was nothing. I could have been another set of curtains or a pillow on the sofa. She had placed me in the background as if I was a piece of furniture she had grown accustomed to seeing everyday. My chest and rib cage tightened as it hurt to breathe. The next moment sucker punched me in the gut as Jake walked up front and sat down next to her; she smiled as she looked over at him. They both acted as if I was invisible.

They chatted for several minutes about inane bullshit until he said he was tired and was going to bed. When he got up, he looked over at me and smirked. I don't know what held me in my place, but I wanted nothing more in that moment than to punch the fuck out of him. Once he was gone, she still sat looking and laughing at her computer screen as I sat in my place in silence. She didn't move a muscle when I got up and walked to the back of the bus.

The next morning I'd gotten up before the others, which was highly uncommon, or at least I thought I had. I smelled brewed coffee and toasted bread and my stomach growled. The air around me in the walkway was cold and I was only in underwear. Scratching my chest, I leaned back so I could see if it was Bella who was awake, but she was turned on her side asleep. Frustrated grumbling and hard typing of computer keys told me it was my father. That didn't surprise me.

I blew out a long, ragged breath before walking into the lounge. If my father was already in a pissed off mood then most likely our conversation wouldn't be pleasant. We hadn't talked much since Georgia.

When I walked in, he was sitting in the booth scowling and fisting his hair as he leaned into his hand. My feet made soft thudding noises as I walked over to the coffee pot. I normally liked cream and sugar, but having plain, black coffee seemed to be more appeasing.

"Morning, son."

"Morning," I replied as I frowned at the bitter aftertaste of black coffee.

Dry, non-buttered toast lay on a Styrofoam plate next to the coffee pot. No spreads were out and I wanted strawberry jam, which I knew we didn't have. I had to settle for grape.

Carlisle sighed, closed his laptop, and patted at the empty space across from him. I wondered what he wanted to discuss this early in the morning. With my black coffee and toast in hand, I sat in my assigned seat.

"Son, there's an interview you have to do and I would like for you to be as coherent as possible. Do you think you can manage that?"

He looked at me after asking with his hands together and rested on the table. I took a bite of the stale toast and wiped the crumbs away with the back of hand. I hated doing interviews, but they were part of my job.

"Who's doing the interviewing?" I asked as I washed the toast down with the bitter coffee.

"Tia Bonetti from Hard Metal."

I shook my head at her name. She was a cute, Italian chick that resembled Cristina Scabbia from LaCuna Coil. She's interviewed us before and didn't try to pry into our personal lives.

"Also, I heard a very disturbing story about Josie from the night of your party. That young girl is highly troubled. I'd say she's just as troubled as you."

He paused as if he almost regretted saying what he did, but it didn't bother me, which was odd. I think my heavy heart ruled over me.

"Anyways, back to the story I heard from Rose and Alice. The girls told me that Josie and another guy's girlfriend were taking turns blowing that guy's dick, and then would snort his cum like it was cocaine off a mirror and lick away the reside. Afterwards, they would act as if they were addicted to it. Son, it sounds as if Sodom and Gomorrah happened that night in your hotel suite. If that story is only a nugget of what went on, I can see why Bella walked away."

My anger boiled and almost ran over. The grip I had on the mug made my hand shake and causing the mug to thump against the table. My father had no reason to make assumptions about what happened to her and me.

I pushed the mug towards him, making it slam into his laptop while it spilled over the rim.

"I'll be as coherent as I can be for the fucking interview, but don't ever mention that night _ever_ again," I seethed, clenching my teeth and sides of the table.

Carlisle showed zero expression on his face as he wiped his hands across it and lifted the top on his computer. I pounded the table to let him know I meant what I said and then turned back out towards the hallway. Up front, Bella was awake and laughing with Alice over something on her laptop.

Frustrated and bit uncomfortable, I walked to the front where my bag and laptop was. When I entered the room, Alice looked up at me and gave me a close-mouthed smile as her eyes shown sympathy for me. Bella kept her gaze on the screen as she held her thumb between her teeth.

I palmed my chest and looked away from Alice. The ache that never faded roared to life at the sight of Bella being happy. I looked down at my bag and computer, wanting nothing than in that moment to be the one making her happy. My departure was the same as my arrival; I was as invisible to her as the air in front of her.

After I climbed into my bunk, I sat everything beside and felt underneath the mattress for my rig and the extra smack. I held them all in my hand, knowing I shouldn't but the pull to numb part of my pain screamed out loud in my head.

After preparing, injecting, and quickly feeling the warm, hazy glow envelope me, my hands flopped to my sides. Images, memories, thoughts, and words twisted and swirled inside me and outside me. The pain, the ache, the agony screeched at fever pitch- making my guts knot, snarl, and turn inside out. My body was paralyzed and kept me from turning into a ball and screaming while I pulled at my hair and skin.

Her face flickered before me; all emotions she ever showed me were on display. Her pain, her words, and her defeat were the surging force to all of my agony. I heard her laughter float and filter into me, as it seemed to try to cleanse me. Nothing could wash away the ugliness of my life, not even her love. As the word rolled around and hung in front of me, I whispered words that would fall on deaf ears.

"I love you, Bella."

Into darkness I fell, those words were my last thought. My body wanted nothing more than to wrap itself around hers and whisper words of love, regret, and forgiveness. Even in dreams, she pushed me away, sending my body, soul, and mind into a higher level of hell. The coma could last forever, I didn't care.


	22. Chapter 21 Alone

**A/N: I finally updated. The reasons for why I haven't are on my blogger. The link is in my profile. **

Thanks goes to my pre-reader acinad816 and my beta adt216

"Reconciliation" by Brendan Kennelly

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Chapter 21

"You're the pearl in the trashcan of my life  
I am the beggar a useless stain in time  
Can't you see how I grieve...  
What you mean to me?

Let's grow cold together - alone

The rain it beats...  
Ripping flesh down to the bone  
Leaving me hanging onto you  
I pray to keep the beating of this tired heart  
Long enough, so I can live this through

You're my world... the bullet in my gun  
I am the doubt... black is my sun  
Can't you see how I need you to bury me?" – Alone, Poisonblack

C.

The interview was as good as Tia could have made it given how fucked up I was. After every question, I would pause, think about giving a stupid, unintelligent answer, laugh out loud, and instead give a half ass answer to the question. I would stare at nothing over her head as I found it hard to look her in the eye. Tia wound up cutting it short and Carlisle didn't talk to me for the rest of the day.

Bella remained distant from me, even though I caught her a time or two glancing my way. Her face would be emotionless, but her eyes held what she felt. Before I could read them, she huffed and turned away.

Two weeks had passed since she had last spoken to me, telling me to leave her alone. In waking hours, I did just that, but whenever she fell asleep, I sat on the floor beside the sofa and stroked her hands, arms, and face. At parting, I would lightly brush my lips against hers.

We had been in the same room several times and she still acted as if I was a fixture in the room that she had grown accustomed to seeing. Except one time when we were both sitting alone in the lounge. I saw her out of the corner of my eye push her laptop away in frustration as she sighed heavily while sharply glancing at me. I turned up my bottle of beer, drank deep, and slightly smiled as I watched an old Rambo movie. Bella got up and stomped out of the room.

And I didn't forget the words I had whispered before I passed out. I still felt them when I wasn't fucked up and felt them when I was fucked up. The words scared me to fucking death, as I had never uttered them to anyone, not even my parents. I loved my father, brother, and Esme. That was natural, but loving someone who wasn't your family with enough passion and fire to consume you made me want to ram a needle in a vein and hope it would be the final dose to do me in. I had loved someone once until I found out how fucked up they were and how they had forever cursed me. Love had gotten me nowhere but a one way ticket to Hell.

In attempt to ease the hell I was in, Jasper, Emmett, and I spent many nights drinking until we blacked out. Neither asked why; they knew. Jasper would pat my back and swig back his beer. Emmett would nod his head and raise his fist for us to bump. Jake and the other guys kept to themselves or they hung with the girls. My father kept his distance.

Before shows, after shows, during the night while the others slept, or whenever I felt the need, I bathed in the warm, hazy glow of Golden Girl. Sometimes it made me puke; sometimes it made me black out; and other times I went about my business. A time or two, I would snort China White, depending on who was hanging around. Unfortunately, it didn't matter how much alcohol or smack I put in my body, nothing took away the purgatory and hell I constantly stayed in.

Jasper and I would snort a line or two or I would light up with Emmett. One time Rosalie did a bump, which surprised the fuck out of me. My brother had developed a love for Asian porn and we sat around one night, including my father, and watched two Asian girls fuck an octopus. That was likely the most bizarre, fucked up shit I'd ever seen. I think they wound up killing the creature. Our father just stared at Emmett as he sat in a corner with his fingers curled around a beer while he jacked off to the fucked up scene on the screen. Jasper and I snorted lines and drank Jack and Coke.

Even in the company of my family, loneliness never left. I had always felt alone my whole life, but nothing compared to what I had felt for those two weeks. I never knew how full Bella had made my life. While we were on stage performing for the masses, I felt as if I was the only one in the room. As I greeted the fans, took pictures, and signed whatever they wanted me to, I was alone. No matter where I was or whom I was with, I remained alone.

Before a show one night, I overheard a phone conversation Bella was having with her dad. It didn't seem friendly. As I listened in, and it was hard not to hear Charlie's voice over the phone, Bella's voice got louder and harsher. Apparently, they were fighting about her not staying in better contact. It seemed he was calling her childish and was telling her to grow up. She kept telling him that she wasn't acting childish and that she could do whatever she wanted as she was an adult. At the end of the conversation, she told him that she was moving out of his house and out of Forks as soon as she gets back and that she had sent out applications to universities for nursing. That was something she hadn't told me, but then again, there was a ton of shit we didn't know about one another.

For a few shows, Bella would come with Alice and Rose, but after those shows, she started staying on the bus. When we all would climb back on, she either would remain on her sofa or would congregate with the girls. After one show, I overheard Alice sweetly and suggestively telling Bella that she should talk to me, and what I heard made my heart hammer rapidly against my rib cage. She told Alice that she wasn't ready…yet. I smiled as I bit into my lip and walked to the restroom.

My body ached and my muscles were sore and tight. I knew it was from lack of water as I dehydrated my body with beer, soda, and other fluids. Emmett would always come back bragging after his hour-long massages and Jake would taunt me by saying how good Bella's hands felt on his body. The girls would gush about their foot massages. Everyone was getting touched by her hands but me. My lungs breathed out a ragged breath as I envisioned her hands on me.

The day we were in Nashville, Tennessee, it was her day to work and her book was full with everyone except me. My whole body was aching from days and nights of stress and longing to be with her. As I sat on the concrete ground smoking behind the club we were playing at, I heard a muffled female voice from inside the bus. My ears strained to listen as I blew smoke out my nose and lips. Whoever it was, they were getting louder.

Shoving of the closed mini blinds suggested the person was sitting on the sofa. When the female voice rose in volume again, I knew it was Bella. When she said the name Charlie, I knew it was her father and that they must have been arguing again. I could hear her end of the conversion clearly. She was apologizing for the twentieth time that she was sorry for not calling more often and that she had been busy. When in reality, I think she had forgotten about her father. It had been barely over a month since she had last spoken with him between the conversation I had overheard and this one.

The following day was the Fourth of July. Just as I finished my cigarette, the owner of the club, Liam, walked out with his car keys in hand. I stopped him and asked if he knew of a Tiffany's in town, he said he did and offered me a ride. I just hoped my plan would work.

When I returned with purchase in hand, I walked on the bus, going immediately to my bunk to stash the turquoise colored bag. I smelled food and my stomach grumbled for the first time in what felt like weeks. Walking into the back area of the bus, I saw Jasper taking a little, black, plastic container out of the microwave. It smelled of teriyaki and chicken. There had to be more microwavable meals.

"Hey, Jas, are there anymore of those meals?"

He nodded as he forked a piece of chicken and pointed to the fridge.

I had wanted what he had, but what was left was garlic shrimp and beef stroganoff. I settled for the stroganoff. As I waited for the little meal to heat up, I wondered what my cousin had planned after his lunch.

"So, what are you doing after you're done eating?" I asked, leaning against the counter with my arms crossed in front of my chest.

Jasper wiped his mouth, eyeing me. I knew he was leery and he had good reason. He cleared his mouth with a quick swipe of his tongue and took a deep pull on his can of Pepsi before replying.

"Well, I have a massage scheduled with Bella and then Alice wants me to go with her for a quick pedicure. Why do you ask…_cousin_?"

I knew that was my chance and my only chance to get her alone. I had two choices; I could either ease into asking him to give up his massage so I could talk with her or I could go on the attack and corner him as I pleaded. With what my emotions were, I had no more time to waste.

Jasper waited for me to answer him as he slowly chewed his food and I waited for mine to finish. The microwave dinged, so I grabbed my food and joined him at the booth. The stroganoff didn't smell as good as the chicken teriyaki, but it worked since I was starving.

I took my first bite and couldn't help shoveling in a second and a third. Jasper sucked on his Pepsi, watching me inhale my food. When my fork scraped the last of the tiny, microwavable meal, I sat back in the booth and watched my cousin. He raised his eyebrows and fork, signaling for me to talk. This was my chance.

"Listen, Jas, I need to talk to Bella. I need for her to hear me out and the only way I can do that is to get her alone in a place that isn't easy for her to leave. I feel like shit for what I did and I want her to listen. Please give up your massage time with her."

He blankly stared at me as if I was speaking in a foreign language. He sucked down the last of his Pepsi, placing the can next to his empty tray.

"Cullen, what makes you think she would let you stay in the room? However, I must say, I've watched you over the past two weeks. You have looked completely miserable, but you have also looked more fucked up than you have in the past. And I agree with you, she does need to give you a chance to explain, so I'm going to let you take my place, but if I see that girl cry or hear her scream, I will beat the shit out of you myself. Do I make myself clear?"

"Crystal. And thanks for giving up your spot. I'll take you out for dinner, some drinks, or both, on me. This means a lot to me."

Jasper extended his hand across the table and I quickly took it as we palmed our hands, gripped tightly, and shook hands.

"I hope she gives you a chance and I hope you don't fuck it up if she gives you another go around," he said as we withdrew our hands.

"I hope so, too, on both aspects."

I remained seated, staring at the small piece of light through the blinds, as my cousin stood up to go throw away the empty tray and bottle. The small, plastic tray and Pepsi bottle made a dull thud in the trash and Jasper wished me luck one more time before exiting the lounge. I had only forty-five minutes until it was time for me to go to her. My insides contorted into knots and my heart beat fiercely against my rib cage. Both hands were clammy and my right knee bounced at record speed as my fingers drummed the tabletop.

Voices outside the bus were shrill and squeaky, and it felt as if they were driving a spike through my skull. Shrieking of my name and pounding on the side of bus could only mean the voices belonged to female fans who just wanted to suck my dick or have me ram my dick into them. In the past, I wouldn't have hesitated, but shit had changed and the change frightened me, making me crave _her _more. Whenever I thought I wanted Bella more, the yearning for the other girl pulled harder on my will. I craved both, but I knew in time I couldn't have both. One would be the death of me.

I wiped my clammy hands on my jeans as I stood up, wanting to grab a beer from the fridge. Something was needed to calm my nerves. The glass was cold on my face and the liquid was frigid on my tongue and my throat. I pulled so deep and hard on the beer that when I stopped drinking my lungs gasped for air. As I leaned my head on a cabinet door, I looked at the time on the microwave- time would not be a friend to my nerves and sanity.

Forty minutes had passed slower than Alice trying to make a wardrobe decision. As I passed by my bunk, I took the little pale, blue box from its matching bag and shoved it into my jeans pocket. I hoped she would like the trinket. The waling, whistling girls, dressed in barely anything, were waiting outside the bus when I stepped off. Some tried to make advances, but I told them no thank you and autographed whatever items they had. Then I left to go to _her._

I stood outside the plain, white, partially opened door trying to pull together my gumption. I told myself that I'd made it this far and to not let a half closed door ward me off. I needed this. No, we needed this.

We couldn't keep up the silence. She needed to hear my words of apology, guilt, and how I knew my sorry ass wasn't worthy enough to ask for her forgiveness, but that I hoped she would grant it to me. Never in my life had I missed one single person as much as I had missed her. Had I become addicted to her?

Soft music floated out into the hall and from what I could tell, the room was dimly lit. There was a low, rhythmic rumble sound as if she was writing something with a purpose. I looked down at my cell and saw I had only two minutes left - two minutes to muster up my courage.

I blew one more breath out and rapped my knuckles on the white painted wood. Without looking up from the paperwork, she said to come in. When I was in, I closed the door shut. She wrote one last word without looking up while saying my cousin's name. I remained on the other side of the small room.

Startled, she put her hand to her chest whispering, "You're not Jasper. What are you doing here, Cullen? I thought I made myself clear about not wanting to speak to you anymore."

I rested my back against the wall with my hands behind me. Words would have been good to speak, but nothing came to me, I couldn't stop staring at her. My brain made my eyes linger on her dark irises, the slight, delicate slope of her nose to the pale pinkness of her lips. They moved all the way down to the fullness of her breasts, to the smoothness of her belly, and soft roundness of the swell of her hips. Her hair looked black in the low light as it was pulled off her face in a ponytail.

Catching myself staring, I forced my stare to my feet. As she counted the seconds for my response, I flipped through the flimsy, tattered book of my brain to pull out words, either my own or another's. Quickly, I recalled the book of Irish love poems we both owned. I remembered one called "Reconciliation." As if they were before me, the words flowed smoothly as a countryside stream in my mind. All that was needed was courage. With three shaky breaths, I raised my gaze toward hers and slowly spoke the words.

"Do not torment me, woman,

Let our two minds be as one,

Be my mate in my own land

Where we may live till life is done.

Put your mouth against my mouth

You whose skin is fresh as foam,

Take me in your white embrace

And let us love till kingdom come.

Slender graceful girl, admit

Me soon into your bed,

Discord, pain will disappear

When we stretch there side by side.

For your sweet sake, I will ignore

Every girl who takes my eye,

If it's possible, I implore

You do the same for me.

As I have given from my heart

Passion for which alone I live,

Let me now receive from you

The love you have to give."

When I finished, I saw one hand of hers on her chest, over her heart, and the other on her cheek with tears running into its barrier, and then moving to side. She smiled weakly, but it was a smile nonetheless. I would take it.

"I would love for those words to have been yours, but I know they're not. It doesn't mean they are any less meaningful. You looked at me when you said them with such conviction. Even with the soft timbre of your voice, I almost for a second believed you really meant them. Did you come here thinking that by saying pretty words, words that I have, no had, wanted you to say that I would come running into your arms and forget everything that happened? Who wrote them anyway?"

Her gentle, weak smile had vanished and in its place was this lethal, steely demeanor. Eyes of endless mocha, caramel, and chocolate zeroed in on my face as if crosshairs were placed on my forehead. Her mouth didn't waver as it had swiftly plummeted into a hard, motionless line. No longer on her chest and cheek, her hands had moved to the side of her as she leaned against the opposing wall. I knew she would throw up resistance, but I had hoped the words of the poem would soften the blow. They didn't.

I shifted from foot to foot, toed the floor, and chewed on the inside of my cheek. Never breaking my stare, I took in her wall of steel and anger and I still loved her.

"The words are by Brendan Kennelly. And no, I didn't think those words would make you forget everything. I wanted them to show you that I'm sorry and that…I'm yours."

Her teeth twisted her cheek and lip, still standing in place like a statue flat against the wall. My eyes nervously shifted briefly to the candle flicker before returning to her. She still seemed to want more from me.

"When I came to the realization of what I had done to you, it completely unhinged me. You had asked me in a previous conversation if I would tell you if I wanted to do something like what had happened on the night of my birthday, and I said I would try. I didn't even try and all you had wanted was honesty. Shortly after that conversation, I started weaving the web of deceit and completely disregarded what you asked of me. Most would say it was a simple request, but I need you to understand that what would be simple for others isn't for me.

"Once I was no longer under the roof of my parents, I answered to no one. I didn't want or need anyone. By the time I moved to Seattle, I was so far gone into the world of alcohol, drugs, sex, and rock n' roll. Every friend that ran in the same circles as I did had failed relationships, even the guys who had met girls from the same scene. This lifestyle kills any chance of a good relationship. And I just didn't want anything permanent.

"The relationships I did have with people were strained. Everyone said I was self-centered, abrasive, and combative. These past weeks have made me reflect upon my life. Every person who described me that way was correct. The most innocent, sweet, and caring person stormed into our gypsy life and scaled the walls of my exterior and wormed her way into my heart.

"The feelings I began having were alien and confusing. Even in this moment, they scare me to within an inch of my life. Their full force rammed into me the minute you let your fury explode that day on the balcony. And when you walked out that door, I lost my whole world. The walls fell down and everything was raw. It was as if someone had scorched my nerves and rubbed them with sandpaper."

Hot streaks shot down my face, paving a wet path over my dry, cracked lips, giving them a morsel of life. Bella had tiny tears that she wiped away with the back of her hand as she stared into one of the candles.

"There's so much I want to say but don't know where to begin," she whispered, startling me from my trance.

"Don't say anything just yet, I'm not done," I hoarsely answered.

Her chin minutely jutted out in response.

"The pain I saw scrawled upon your face and embedded in your eyes clawed at my soul, giving rise to a tidal wave of guilt over betraying you with Josie and not talking to you about what I wanted for my birthday. Torment and masochism were my best friends up until now. I would sit on the floor as you slept on the couch up front and watch you sleep as I agonized over wanting to touch until one night I gave in and chastely kissed your lips. I wanted no company but yours.

"That tiny bunk felt vast without your small, warm body next to mine. Your absence made me come to terms with my feelings for you, Bella."

Her eyes quickly shifted from the fire flicker to my face. Hope filled her face as her eyes held doubt. After one long, deep breath, I took my chance.

"I love you. I'm in love with you." My words faltered for a nanosecond, my mouth quivering.

Once they fell from my lips, the room was silent except for the soothing music. Then she crumpled to the floor in a heap of trembling and sobbing. With no hesitation, I stalked two steps and there I was next to her, dropping to my knees and pulling her into me.

Moments ticked by. Her weeping had slowed while her breathing and shaking wore down. The fabric of my shirt meshed with my skin where her tears had soaked through. I placed simple, small kisses on the top of her hair, which gave forth a long, humming sigh from deep within her.

I moved my hand from Bella's arm to her chin, tilting up her face so I could see what emotions danced in her eyes. They were clear, a little sad but filled with a small light that glowed a bit brighter when set upon my face. I felt my lips faintly move upwards as I moved down to brush a kiss on her mouth.

Bella pressed into the kiss, almost parting my lips as I felt her tongue caress my bottom lip. We both hummed, adding more weight onto one another. Before it went further, she pulled away, kissing my cheek and stroking my face with her fingertips. I looked at her studying my face. I had to know how she felt for me.

"Bella, what do you feel for me? I just told you I loved you and you crumpled onto the floor. Do you regret me saying those words to you?"

As soon as I spoke the last sentence, she stopped tracing my jaw line and crushed her lips onto mine. Her hand wound around my neck as she balled my hair into her fist. This time our tongues danced together. Bella was trying to convey what she wanted to say, but I wanted to hear what her words would be. Therefore, I pulled away from our most heated kiss in weeks.

"Bella, for as much as I loved that kiss, I want to hear the words you were trying to give me in that kiss," I whispered against her face.

I softly spoke "please" in a loop, gently pleading. After I had stopped, she moved back from me but not too far and looked at me with a calm, soft expression. Bella licked her lips, looked at the candle behind my head, and then back to me.

"Yes, I'm in love with you. What started out as instant lust quickly became love, only I didn't know it. I knew I felt something, but kept denying what it was because I didn't want to wind up crushed when you didn't reciprocate the feelings. So, no, I don't regret you saying you love me. As for me falling to the floor, that was from the shock and relief of you saying them to me as I didn't think you ever would."

I reached across and moved her back to me. We kissed, moaned, and roamed our hands up and down each other's backs and legs. We pulled apart. My lips traveled slowly up her soft face to her ear where I huskily whispered, "I love you."


	23. Chapter 22 Scared to Death

**A/N: **Many thanks to my beta adt216, pre-readers Tinker_bell74 and Cullenbychoice

Sorry this chapter is short, but I couldn't get anymore out and I think it says everything that needed to be done and thought.

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Chapter 22

"In the biblical sense and sensibility  
Let me know you  
I'll kiss that smile off your face just say when  
Just say when.  
I'm not afraid to say "I love you"  
Any more than I used to be babe I am scared to death  
To fall in love (with you)  
All these pick-up lines from hell  
Icebreakers infernal  
From a heart so black and blue  
Only for you  
Just say when again.  
I'm not afraid to say, "I love you."  
Any more than I used to be, babe.  
I am scared to death.  
I am scared to death to fall in love with you.  
With you.  
I'm not afraid to say, "I love you."  
Anymore than I used to be, babe.  
I am scared to death.  
I am scared to death to fall in love.  
I'm not afraid to admit I adore you  
Any more than I was before babe I am scared to death  
To fall in love with you  
With you.  
I'm scared to death.  
And you're sweet like poison." –Scared To Death, HIM

C.

Heaviness pressed into my leg through my jeans. It seemed as if the little blue box wanted free from its denim prison. Or did the item in the box want freedom to hang freely from Bella's neck? Her hand still lightly swept up and down my thigh, but stopped when she felt the hard corner of the box in the pocket of my jeans. The lovely, silk smooth face of hers looked up at me, pinched in confusion with lips parted just a fraction.

The corner of my mouth lifted into a smirk, causing her more puzzlement with her forehead pinching deeper, as I pressed my lips upon her brow. My left hand took hers and laid them over my heart.

"It's a special trinket for you that I bought earlier. I had words planned to say to you when I presented it to you, but they escape me now. So, I'm going to have to wing it," I said, smiling when she graced me with a shy one in return. Bella turned her face into my chest and balled up my shirt into her hand, the one over my heart.

"Are you ready to see your surprise?" I asked her, all the while knowing she was.

"Of course," she replied.

With my free hand, I dug the Tiffany's box out of my pocket, placing it on her thigh. Immediately, Bella went for the grab, but I stopped her. I did want to say some things to her.

"Bella, you know I adore you, and if you don't I will try my damnedest to show you. As I said earlier, I never loved anyone outside of my family and the idea of romantic love scared me more than the idea of dying. Death doesn't scare me as it is inevitable. Falling in love, trusting someone, and wanting to share a life with someone scares me to death. To be honest, there isn't much trust in me for others."

What I wanted to say to her next went with her gift, so I opened the box and watched her eyes widen in surprise at the white gold blossom key necklace that had diamonds following the pattern of a flower blossom. Bella pushed off from my chest, nearly tearing the box apart to get the necklace out so it could be placed around her neck.

"Bella, before I place this necklace around your delicate neck, you should know what each part of this means to me. The diamonds represent dewdrops on the bloom. The bloom represents the flower that pushed its way through miles and miles of cold, hard dirt and the white gold symbolizes the white, pure light of an early morning sun across a barren tundra. This key holds everything you are to me. You are the beautiful, glimmering flower with fresh dew that grew in a place where nothing else has and brought light into my dark world. You put this all together and you have the key that could open one door at a time. One of those doors being my heart."

I held the necklace between my fingers as it dangled back and forth as if it were a pendulum. Bella had tears crawling slowly down her face, but there was nothing sad about them, for she gave me a wide, bright smile to accompany her tears. Her arms brushed the underside of her hair up as she waited for me to give the symbol of what she was to me its new home.

The key hung loosely below the hollow of her neck and it twinkled brightly in the glow of the candlelight. Bella fingered the key as she chewed the inside of her cheek while staring intently at the bottom of the shiny trinket. The corner of her mouth twisted up as the rest of her face was held in a pensive state. Wanting to know what she was thinking, I tipped up her chin with the pad of my finger.

"What's going on inside that head of yours?" I asked her.

A few seconds after asking, Bella finally lifted her eyes to mine, twisting her lip around with her teeth. I freed the plump flesh, as I wanted her to answer.

"I was thinking back to what you said a few minutes ago about being scared to be in love. I couldn't help but feel the same way. I've never experienced two people being in love. It wasn't ever in my house, with my mom not being there and my dad never wanting to seriously date anyone. It's a foreign concept to me also, but I can't deny what I feel for you any longer. I guess we'll learn as we go."

She worried over admitting she felt the same way I did. How could I fault her for feeling the same? Once she saw I had no hesitations, her bright smile appeared once more on her face as she drew me in for a kiss.

Pulling me in tighter with her arm wrapped around my waist, I gathered her up in my arms. With one arm moving underneath her hair, my thumb brushed her jaw line. I tried putting every emotion for her into that kiss, but it just wasn't possible.

As I kissed her, a whisper breathed throughout my mind and body. It offered a numbing warmth that I constantly craved. Bella's tongue aggressively pushed against mine, helping minutely to push the whisper away. But it never entirely disappeared. It sat in a corner, coiled up like a rattlesnake shaking its tail - remaining harmless until it could lash out but not letting you forget it was there. I hoped my love for her wouldn't be my undoing.

We enjoyed each other's lips for several minutes before separating, after which I placed a soft kiss on her forehead. The room was still illuminated by the candle and I watched its shadows dance along the wall while she lightly kissed my chest. I had us propped against another wall.

In the stillness after our purging of emotions and her getting the key to my heart, literally and figuratively, we were comfortable in not saying a word as it was enough for it just to be us. My mind felt a little at peace, the static had dulled to a low drone. Bella tapped my chest and started laughing. Her reaction confused me.

"What has you amused?"

"I was sitting here thinking about the first week I came to work for you all. I was a bit frightened you, not because you looked menacing or anything, but because you the sexiest man I'd ever seen and my reaction to you scared me. The lust you incited within me was insanely scary - for no one had ever made me yearn that much. Luckily, I got over my fear."

During her explanation, I began laughing to myself as I remembered when she first came onboard too.

"Bella, I have to admit that I secretly adored you, still do, but your simple, natural beauty and your innocence drew me to you. All the while I knew I should keep my distance but I couldn't."

She kissed me quick and hard before sitting up on her knees. Her smile was infectious. I couldn't stop one from appearing on my face. We just stared at each other and I knew I had to tell her I didn't want anyone else.

"I never thought the words I'm about to say would ever fall from my lips, but they feel right and are what I want. I don't want to be with anyone else sexually, only you."

Bella's smile faded a bit and my heart sank. This between us wouldn't last if she wanted it open.

"What's wrong with me telling you I want us to be faithful?"

She sighed and wiped her hands on her legs.

"Cullen, I can't just start fucking you. Yes, we said we loved each other and that makes me happy, but honestly, I don't trust you."

She had every right to not trust me and I didn't hold it against her.

"I know you don't, but I can promise you that you'll find me with no other girl. I swear to it."

She nodded and said she didn't want any other man. As words of commitment fell from our lips, I knew I was lying. There was another girl, one that I loved just as much as Bella, and she called for me always, even in that moment. Slight tremors crawled inside me.

Bella pressed her lips to mine; naturally I reacted. We softly, languidly kissed as I rested my palm on her ass, and she wound her fingers into my hair. A girl with soft, glowing, gold eyes drifted into my mind, radiating warmth that I knew all too well. We deepened the kissing as I tried to quell the pressure weighing in on me. My past reared up. All the girls, the drinking, the drugs teased and taunted. Everything was shaded in hues of gold as the girl laughed, spreading her warmth to allure me.

My hands, lips, my body pressed firmer into the beauty that I held in my arms and Bella pressed harder. Her hair fell over my face and the scent of vanilla rushed into my senses. The girl with the golden eyes slid slowly back into the hazy corner where she resided, but her aching, glowing warmth didn't fade. I was falling in deep and I only hoped I would come out alive.


	24. Chapter 23 Less Than Zero

**A/N** Sorry I haven't updated in forever. I took a vacation and enjoyed other things. This story is unbeta'd but when it is, I'll edit it on here.

So here is the new chapter.

* * *

Chapter 23

"My reflection as that shadow's  
blessing my death  
Lost soul in agony meet machine tragedy  
God if you love me,  
then why won't you set me free"

– Less Than Zero, Type O Negative

B.

Charlotte, NC

A week after Nashville, TN

The second I had ran from Cullen's suite in Atlanta, it felt as if I had twisted myself apart. It didn't matter the rage I had for him, a huge part of me wanted to run back to him - except I knew if I had, nothing would ever change and I would lose all self-respect. During the two weeks that I had nothing to do with him, I literally hated him…and myself. Hated myself for thinking that I could possibly change him and hated him for drastically changing me, all the while knowing I wouldn't have traded my experiences.

The night of their Atlanta show, I had tried to flirt with other guys. The one boy was nice and funny and he made me laugh, but there was no connection. Having Cullen attack him was unexpected. It never crossed my mind he would react that way. Him acting jealous after what he had done pissed me off. In that moment, I had wanted him to leave me alone.

It was harder than I expected it to be to ignore him whenever we were in the same room. I wasn't accustomed to doing it and it never got easier. Each day I felt myself weakening until I could no longer deny my eyes the sight of him. Then I was mad at myself for being weak. It was a never-ending cycle. If Cullen hadn't came to me when he did, I would have gave up but not without any reservations.

The pretty words he spoke that day in the massage room, the poem, for an instant infuriated me. It seemed to me then that he thought he could just walk in, spill words of love and I would run back to him. When I grasped the idea that he was serious, all the walls fell down and I fell with them to my knees. He was there to catch me.

I had missed his lips, and I realized I missed them more when he placed them upon mine. It was a beginning, but a beginning of what I didn't know. The moment I had needed someone to speak to, I caught Alice peeking around the corner of the doorframe of the lounge in the bus. Her pretty, ethereal face sparked with silent questioning if she could come in. Everyone was at sound check at the club, so we wouldn't be interrupted. I nodded to the empty space beside me on the couch and asked if she wanted to take turns polishing our toes.

"Sure, what colors do you have?"

I rummaged through my bag and pulled out four colors ranging from pink to black.

"Okay, let's be rebels and do black and the electric blue."

"Alice, I don't think black is being rebel, a lot of musicians and sorts paint their nails black. But if black is being a rebel to you, then you should wear it and I'll wear the electric blue."

"That's fine."

She took off her flats and took the polish pot from my fingers. We stretched a foot into one another's lap and started polishing, although she had to remove the pink from my toes that Cullen had done weeks ago. That moment seemed so far into the past, even though I knew it hadn't been.

"So, Jasper told me Cullen begged him to give up his massage so that he come groveling back to you. Apparently, it worked, but how did the reunion come about if you don't mind me asking?" She asked as she dabbed the cotton ball over my toe.

"I don't mind you asking. In fact, I'm actually glad I can talk to you about it."

"Shoot, although I don't know how much help I can be."

I stared down the polish applicator, taking a moment to gather what I wanted to say. There was no better way to say what I needed to than the state his declaration.

"Cullen declared his love for me."

Alice stopped dabbing at my toes and I knew she would be boring holes into me if I looked up. So I kept my head down and started applying coats of black polish.

"Is that all you're going to say? You're not going give a girl more details," Alice whined.

"What details do you want? He walked in, pleaded his case, recited me an Irish love poem, and professed his love."

"Bella, I don't know Cullen too deeply but I know it wasn't that cut and dry."

"Well, I didn't exactly go running to his arms. I had reservations about his intentions. Even now, I don't know what we have is called and I really don't want to put a label on it. Neither of us knows where it is going to go but we do know that we can't be away from each other. For now, it is what it is and we're taking it as it comes." I explained the moment without going into intimate detail and without breaking my concentration.

Alice continued on removing the old polish while I applied more coats of black. I was on the third toe when she started painting mine. The comfortable silence lingered on for a while, but I knew she wanted more details. Instead, she dropped it.

"Him saying he loves you is a huge step for him. So, it's good y'all are taking things as they go. Hey, Bella, can I alternate your toes with this bright blue and the bright green?"

I nodded and heard my bag rustle at my feet. Alice's laughter pierced my focus on her toes as my eyes darted up to see what was the catalyst for the hyena noise. She was holding the economy size box of condoms that I had forgotten I had. The sight of them made me for an instant miss Jessica.

"Um, Bella…how long have you had these?" She asked through snorts and hiccups.

"They came with me. I just forgot about them."

"It's kinda late to be asking, but do you plan on using them?"

"It is kinda late, but we do need to be using them. I'm stupid for not using them all along but what can I do now except to start using them. Even though I have an IUD in, I don't want that chance of a pregnancy and well…we just need to start using them."

Alice patted my foot, dropped the condoms back in the bag, and went back to painting my toes. The rest of the afternoon we talked in easy conversation and watched several home and garden shows.

Alice joined the others at sound check, leaving me on the bus, although she had asked if I wanted to go. I politely declined, turning my attention back to HGTV. While in the middle of watching House Hunters, my cell phone rang- it was Charlie. In a split second, I eyed the phone, sighed, muted the TV and answered his call.

"Hello, dad. How are things with you?"

"I can't complain except I miss you. I'm worried about you, Bella. Your phone calls have gotten fewer and fewer. I know you're grown and everything, but a little more communication wouldn't hurt."

Logically, I knew he was right, but at the moment I didn't want to deal with him.

"Dad, I'm sorry. It's just been hectic and busy. I was actually on my way out. Can I call you back later?"

"No, Bella, you can't call me back later. Because I know you won't. You can spare a few minutes to talk to your old dad. Is Carlisle's boy treating you okay? He hasn't talked you into doing something I wouldn't approve of?"

Stuck in the conversation, I leaned my head back on the sofa arm and closed my eyes. I was not in the mood to deal with him.

"Things are fine dad. Everyone has been great. I'm having a lot of fun out here."

"Bella, you're not supposed to be having fun. You're supposed to be out there working, not partying. You better not be drinking or worse yet smoking. Please don't give me cause to come to you."

"Dad, please…"

"No please, Bella. I mean it. Do not do anything that will jeopardize your life or your reputation or mine for that matter. Do you understand me?"

I had nothing to say to him. I wanted to fling my phone across the room and hope it would shatter into a million pieces. Moving my arm to across my face, I decided I need to end this call before I say something I couldn't take back.

"Dad, I really have to go. Goodbye."

Before the call fully ended, I heard Charlie screaming my name. I knew this wasn't over, but that it had just begun.

Tossing the Blackberry to the end of the sofa, I got to my feet and felt the need to leave the cramped bus. As I walked towards the front, the sound of computer keys clacking filled the empty bus. From the hurried, aggressive pattern of the typing I knew it was Cullen. Whatever he normally typed had him engrossed and oblivious to anything else, hence the hard typing.

I stopped at the end of the sofa opposing him, watching him intensely type and pinch his face in deep concentration. Not wanting to him to think I was spying, I deeply cleared my throat and walked over to sit next to his feet. He nodded at me, faintly smiling but never really leaving the screen of the laptop.

He was barefoot and the frayed leg edges of his jeans must've caused a tickle as I sat down because he brushed the heel of his other foot across the top of the other one. I picked them up and placed them in my lap. Out of habit, my thumbs started applying light pressure to the ball of one his feet. A soft moan rumbled through him.

"I'll take you anywhere in the world as long as you don't stop what you're doing," he sighed, not sounding full relieved of tension.

"Can I bank on that promise later?" I asked playfully as I glided my thumb up the side of his foot.

"Sure. Just let me know in advance. What did you do today?"

"Alice and I painted each other's toes while watching HGTV."

Cullen briefly looked up from his typing to give me a smirk before looking back down- that only made me giggle.

"How very girly of you girls. Did you two do any man bashing as part of the female bonding?"

"No. We just talked about what was on the shows and what we were going to wear tonight. Do you mind me asking what you're always typing? I don't mean to pry, I'm just curious."

He was silent for the longest time after I asked. I thought I had crossed a line and I had just about given up when he finally answered.

"How shitty my life is and what I fuck up I am. That's what I'm always typing."

There were no words to answer back with, so I left his explanation as it was. The silence wasn't unbearable. He furiously clacked away and I quietly massaged his feet, wondering if he would ever completely open up to me.

The show had been one of their best ones I had seen so far. The guys signed autographs after the show and outside by the bus. Most of the fans seemed happy and we were running on adrenalin and alcohol. And I knew Cullen was running on more than just those two. I had seen a fresh track mark on his left arm about an hour before the show. I wanted to help him, but I knew it would be futile until he decided he wanted help.

Trying to not let those thoughts dampen my mood, I pushed my laptop over to the other side of the sofa, pulled my skirt back to its proper length, and stood up to join the others in the lounge. When I was about to leave, I noticed Cullen leaning against the arm of the other sofa, staring at me with his arms crossed against his chest. His tongue ran over his bottom lip as he roved over the length of my body, paying extra attention to my bare legs.

"You didn't need to adjust your skirt; it was fine where it was. Walk over here, pretty girl."

There was no chance I would say no to him. My body wanted him, my mind wanted him. It had been so long, everything in me was craving him. When I reached within arms distance, he pulled me to him, almost crushing me. I didn't mind the tightness, it fueled my desire more.

"I can feel your heart pounding hard. Does something have you worked up?" he asked, brushing his lips against mine.

My breath staggered a few times before I gathered myself to close the tiny distance between our mouths. He tasted of peppermint and chocolate with a faint hint of beer. If it had been any stronger, the taste would have been troublesome. He sucked and nipped softly on my lip, eliciting breathy sigh alongside his mouth. I felt him strain against the zipper that was ground into my belly. Squeals of laugher pierced through my drunken state of lust.

"Wait, Cullen, what about the others? Won't they interrupt us?"

He groaned out of frustration of me sharply ending our make-out session before quickly kissing me.

"No, they won't. I told the guys to keep the girls busy and my dad is busy talking to Esme. We have the front all to ourselves. Now, where did we leave off?"

We went back to kissing and nipping, but not long afterwards he pulled us to the sofa with me on top of him. He pushed my legs apart so they'd straddle his hips and give him better grinding leverage. We pulled at our clothes, trying to get as naked we possibly could without moving. He told me purple was my color since my top and skirt were varying shades of the color. He had been more than thrilled to find the tiny strip of lavender fabric that Alice had called a thong, which had barely covered me up front.

While he had been kissing my neck, I had looked up and saw the bag I had when I was with Alice and I knew the condoms were in there. And they needed to start being used. Before breaking away I gave him a soft, quick kiss and raised up to where I sitting atop him. He looked confused as to why I stopped.

"Cullen, I know it's a bit too late for this, but I think we need to start using condoms. I know you say you're clean, and I mostly trust you, and I do have the IUD in to prevent a pregnancy, but there is still always the chance of anything happening. From here on out I would just feel safer if we started using them. I hope I didn't ruin the mood."

"No baby, you didn't. As it does seem late to start using condoms, I understand your concerns. I have some but they are in my bags underneath the bus."

"Actually, I have some in my bag that's in the floor."

I crawled off him to stretch myself across the floor to pull my bag to me. As I pulled the huge box out from the bag Cullen's eyes widened in shock as he looked up from the box to me.

"Um, did you come prepared to do a lot of fucking?"

I laughed as I opened the box and slapped the row of foil packaging against his bare chest.

"No silly, my friend Jessica bought those for me. She said I needed to have them just in case I did start having sex. And well, I sort of forgot about them."

"Don't worry, pretty girl. I plan on using every one of them on us."

"Well then, how about we start right now?" I ripped one of the packets from the foil chain, throwing the rest in the floor.

We made haste of our clothes. It was awkward at first to find a comfortable position on the sofa. Eventually, we found one with one of my legs placed on the back of the sofa and the other one off the edge of it. He felt heavy against my naked skin and his kisses felt hotter than they had been as he placed them on my breasts and neck. When the time came for him to enter me, our eyes never left the other. He entered me slow and smooth, knowing I would be somewhat tight. After he was in all the way, I felt full as he stretched me wide. I didn't want the sensation to end, so I told him I was okay. It took him little time to find a rhythm that was hard and deep, making me sigh blissfully and moan softly. Our bodies had found the dance that had become familiar and welcoming. It felt as if we had not lost any time.

After making love several times, I had fallen asleep against Cullen's belly, almost against his thigh. I drifted out of dreams of our tangled bodies and us laughing to distant clicking of what must had been his computer keys. Whatever had been haunting him for most of his life seemed to be making its presence more often. Hours later when I woke, I heard him softly breathing with his eyes closed. Everything was dark except for the glow of the lights on the laptop. The top was left raised with a dim screen and a low battery. The charger was next to it so I plugged it in. I saw a box down at the task bar that had the symbol for Microsoft Word. Curiosity was eating at me. I knew it was infringing on Cullen's privacy, but damn it, I wanted answers that I was tired of waiting for.

So I moved the cursor the minimized window, hesitating to click it open. Several minutes ticked by and the clawing feeling of not knowing shit dug deep. Counting to three silently, I clicked on the Word doc. There were many words, but what caught my attention was the blinking cursor and the sentence behind it that read, "I hate my name."


End file.
